SavageATL's Blog

Whom do you mourn?

2011-12-15T01:08:00.002-05:00

Well, I got my bank statement in the mail today and had une crise de nerfs. . .

Yah, I know y'all are sick of hearing about that sort of thing. Y'all are all, "Dude, get it together!"

It's a little harder for me to "get it together" than it perhaps seems. I'm almost certainly doing better objectively than I was a year ago . . . and I do know that I'm starting over, back to square one, and starting a new career is always difficult. I think I'm happy I did this now. I don't think I could have done it over again 5 years from now. If I do keep making progress at this rate, probably in 3 years, I'll have an assistant, a real own firm . . . and the math hits me too. I'm not in the position to charge $200/hr, I can charge perhaps $75- so to make $75K a year- and to cover my expenses after taxes, and get health cover, I need to be making about 60-75K- that means that I need to be able to bill (and get) 1000 hours over the course of the year.

Well, that's 40 hrs/week, aren't you doing that?

Yes and no. I do have the closing thing, which is good, but I get very distracted working at home and probably manage 4 billable hours/day in addition to the closings. I don't have the systems in place right now to manage the full billable requirements- I still haven't sent the one French client a bill- it's a little overwhelming - - -

It will be, until you get things worked out-

I'm rather afraid of just- missing the metaphorical boat, I suppose. Suppose I never get it together?

But it's your first real year of law practice, and you have been- entirely successful at what you've put your hand to! Despite the terrors!

Yes, that's true. It will come together . . . I don't have much of a choice, do I?

The Job Fairy hasn't snuck anything under your pillow?

Not the last time I checked.

So then.

I did title this, "Whom do you mourn?"

Yes, you did. I suppose now you are going to tell us what that means.

Yes, I am. "Robin" and I had an argument- he was supposed to- is, in fact, coming down for New Year's, and I got a Groupon deal for Savannah- Tybee Island, and proposed it to him, and at one point he came back and asked me, "Do I have to pay for your meals," and I'm thinking- asshole. You know- I don't have any money, and your ass is making 6 figures, and this is to be debated? I have enough money worries on my own without someone else bringing them to me. It's MY goddamn turn to be spoilt a little bit. I don't ask for much, but- we've been- in one way or another- seeing each other for beyond three years- and you STILL don't have a passport? So we can go somewhere cheap? And then you cut short our trip, despite three weeks of vacation, because it must not cut into your vacation time, and then ' frankly, I want to be spoilt a little, and live it up a bit. Dammit, he has money. I will get there someday, I'm not there now, but everyone else has been more generous to me than he has. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, but part of going away and being on vacation is TOTAL RELAXATION. . . not worrying about money I don't have.

Is it time to close that door?

Well, this goes back to "Whom do you mourn?" I was a different person when I met him than I am now. I do think the more I learn- dude, if you can spend $700 - seven hundred dollars- on a pair of cycling glasses- then dammit, spend a little to make me happy. Even Trey- of all people- is willing to spend money to make me happy, on a bumper for the Cadillac. In some ways, I do mourn my old self, but it's time to move on. I need, and I do, see myself more as a successful person, and I need to carry confidence in myself instead of doubt, even if that means cutting people off.

Are you ready to do that?

I've always had relationships determined on someone else's terms. That hasn't been fair or right to me. . . I do know that whatever shape the relationship takes, Trey and I have an amazingly strong marriage- - - - something could come along to change that, but . . . here we are, and perhaps it can be an "open relationship" but we are, in some way, together forever. . .

Does that exclude "Robin?"

No . .. the day may come when I say,I'm completely done with this. . . but that hasn't happened yet. and I'm still taking care of that Vineyard controversy. So . . . if I wanted a husband to take care of me, I'm yet looking for him.

Yah, well, enough about me. Let's talk about She Who Must Not Be Named in the Blog.

Ooooh, let's!

So one day she came to Dad's house, and she had brought salad-

What's wrong with that?

She brought it in a frypan! A skillet! As though she doesn't have enough bowls! And then she proceeded to get VERY worked up because some neighbour had had the presumption to approach her on the street to talk to her and ask her "personal" questions such as, "What do you do?" and "Where do you work?" She was hugely offended by this. I found this extremely amusing.

Other things that have been happening: The VAN got stolen! I woke up one Saturday morning and looked out the window and the VAN was about 30 feet (I cannot estimate distance) down the street! I was puzzled by this but Trey was in process of recovering from an EPIC conniption, occasioned by a nasty cold, and so I was distracted by that- but I was thinking, why is it there? And I discovered that someone had jimmied the window and destroyed the ignition. It was still ON but not running. The police lady eventually- after a lot of calls- came- "There's no one available right now to respond to you." said the 911 lady. She was nice, and actually wore makeup, but completely indifferent. We had a lengthy argument about how the police report should have been written up. I wanted burglary and theft, but she didn't want to do it. "It's been moved out of the curtilage," I pointed out, and there's clear intent of depriving me of my property, and I have, in fact, been deprived of such, as with the ignition destroyed, I cannot use it. There was also- at least to me- a clear hand print on the sliding door on the driver's side.

The police lady wasn't hearing any of this. She figured out very quickly I was an attorney. "My father's an attorney," she said. But she claimed the handprint was smeared and they wouldn't be able to do anything with it.

My thinking was, eventually they might catch this person, and then they can tie a lot of things together, right? Not, apparently, according to Police Lady. She had a lot of questions about was the house for sale, which I parried with, do you know anyone who wants to buy a house? No, she did not. I said that we were really trying to make the neighbourhood better. She said Alston was a nice place. I did my best to encourage her to put as much as possible on the report but she did not, saying, "we don't stack charges." She had many questions about the yard. "Yes, it's art," I told her. "The short version is, my neighbours," and I pointed- - - "are assholes." This did not, apparently, satisfy her, but she didn't ask any further questions.

Bullshit, is what I say to the stacking charges point. I know that they do and can. I'm mad because they bother my parents about a goddamn tree, and one of my cars gets stolen and I meet with complete indifference.

Anyway, it cost $470 to have the VAN fixed at Rick's. I asked him about the driver's side sliding door, and he said it would cost ! $249! - for the latch- there apparently isn't one available in the junkyard yet, and I said no, I would wait on that. Dammit.

Lemons and Lots of Them

2011-11-30T19:09:00.003-05:00

Well. Many things have happened since I last posted. I forgot most of the things I wanted to write about, but.

Alex's wedding was really nice. It was in the mountains. It was considerably - well, I might say, "enlivened." No- not enlivened. It was enawfuled (there's probably a real word for this) by Trey throwing an epic fit. And Sailor Moon tried to fight him.

Ma apparently behaved herself. They met Amber's parents for the first time just before the wedding.

The long and short of it is that we went up, stayed in a cabin, Trey had a conniption, Alex and Amber got married, and it was very nice.

Let's see, there have been a bunch of things that I wanted to talk about. Now, of course, that I actually have time to write them, I can't remember them.

How is the law practice going?

It's - - - going. I suppose I should be happy about this. I've pieced together a little bit of this and a little bit of that and hope to get somewhere. I'm doing mobile closings; at the moment the thing with the French real estate investor seems to have come to an end, I don't know why, and then the Tahitians, I don't know what's going on with that. I have been getting a few cases here and there and battling my way through them. Each thing I do, I am getting better and better at. So the breakthrough will come bit by bit, but the more I do this, the more I understand why they call it the "practice" of law.

Are you still looking for a job?

Sometimes. I am pretty wrapped up in what I am trying to do and then - I might take it more seriously had I gotten somewhere- anywhere- and even document review has dried up. I'm over it, I think over the last year and a half or so, I've sent out something like over 300 cover letters and resumes. And perhaps, some of them aren't very good but I don't know what to write. I have had probably 10? 20? interviews? Even applying to go back and teach French went nowhere. So here I am. Life gives you lemons . . .

And my one friend I know, Miss Cho, who has a job, is also having to take the NC bar and I don't think she's getting paid all that much. So there are disadvantages to having a job. My time and how I spend it is my own. That's good! I'm taking advantage of it as much as I can- I don't have to get up early, no stupid meetings, life is - ok. And it is interesting and challenging.

Well, you should be happy, you have a roof over your head, food to eat . . . bills are (mostly) paid . . .

Dammit, I do remind myself of that, and then on the other hand, I should be doing better. There's only so much one can lower one's expectations. I have two degrees and I don't ask THAT much out of life but the smallest things seem to have become unattainable. I was hoping for in house counsel at an international corporation in 07, then reduced that idea, and reduced it, and now I have this. It shouldn't have been too much to think I'm going to make 60-80 straight out of school. I did externships and tax clinic and worked hard (at least honestly) at a pretty good school. I speak several languages and have good experience prior to law school. Honestly, I should be doing better.

Well, it's the Obamalypse, so.

Suppose things DON'T get better?

Now I read a lot of old Car and Driver magazines, like the caretaker in The Moonstone turned to Robinson Crusoe when he was feeling out of sorts. I purchased a whole bunch of the things- boxes of them- and I read about all the doom and gloom in the late 70s. In 1978-1979, it really DID look like nothing would get better and everyone predicted that by 1984 we'd be driving three cylinder sub chevette cars. But things did get better. I'm hopeful, but what is it going to take? I don't have much faith that the Republicans who can do something about the economy will get elected. I am NOT voting for Romney, we just had the spoilt Daddy's boy as president, and although Bush handled a completely unprecedented crisis, and the WORST crisis of American history faultlessly, we cannot afford another Bush.

I dunno. I'm going to have to figure out, day by day, how I can be better. I suppose now I'm happy I didn't move a few years ago and am now paying a 120K note on a house that's worth 40.

But you're paying an $80K note on a house worth 30.

This, sadly, is true.

What about Trey? What's that whole situation about?

Well. Trey still does not have a job. He is in school for welding. I am seriously beginning to think that he probably won't ever really be self sufficient. His best shot at that was Masada and he messed that up. He is helping out by giving me food stamps. We are friends, although there really haven't been any benefits, I haven't been much in the mood. Now, Trey is dating/seeing other people. I haven't been seeing anyone much cos I've been too bizzy but "Robin" is supposed to visit at the end of the year.

"Robin" is still around?

Yes! I care about him but the whole Virginia thing- I know he had to go there for his job but . . . it is making things much harder. In Nashville, I could just pop up there.

In terms of Trey, honestly what I am hoping (however unlikely this might be) is that either he will get it together and move on- this was meant to be a temporary thing- or that someone will fall madly in love with him- (look now! I've seen worse!) and then that will at least temporarily solve that issue. Perhaps in some way or another, we will always be together, at least as friends. We are getting on well and he is keeping me from being lonely or climbing the walls. That being said, I think that we probably both know better than to try to date again. On the other hand, he really seems to have changed, but also, I'm just not in the place right now to devote a single bit of mental energy to trying to start a relationship with anyone other than my career. That's my whole focus right now.

Did you do anything for Halloween?

NO! I had Kaplan class the night of and have just been too wiped to really concentrate on that.

You didn't celebrate HALLOWEEN? That is nuts!

I know. This has been a bizarre year.

Well, what about Thanksgiving?

What about it? We had it, it was good, no epic arguments, but enjoyable, and then Trey was in Chattanooga doing community service for his DUI . . . Thanksgiving is fairly standard - - - You know Dad wants it done the exact same way, every year.

Then I dunno about Christmas. I wish there were more to look forward to in terms of $. I still want a fur coat. But not- for some time yet. We'll see. Eventually.

Accounting Jokes

2011-09-05T20:18:00.002-04:00

Well, y'all, I went on Alex's Bachelor party weekend, although, he is neither a bachelor nor was it a party but it was fun.

I cooked and I did not do what I was threatening him with, although he has no idea what I was threatening him with, I got him all worked up, which was the point.

Witness the following textual exchange!

Me, trying to provoke him: (That one you got is not squishy enough. Are you going to have time to get another on Friday before you go or are you riding with me after court?)
Alex got very upset. “What is not squishy? What are you talking about?”
? I haven’t sent the application yet, if that is what you are asking?
What is not squishy?
(Oops, never mind.)
What do you mean, oops?
(I meant oops is all)
No you didn’t. What are you talking about?
(I REALLY meant oops i hadn’t finished application . . . ;)

What is not squishy enough?
(mmm. Don’t worry about it, have a nice day!)
Have fun this weekend!
(Oh, we shall!)
It won’t be with us!
(Woo, woo, yes it will, y’all will be all morose and glum without me. And have tiara emergencies.)
Fine remember you don’t know where we are staying and you don’t have keys to the place
(I have ways of finding out! And my revenge will be glitterriffic!)
Good luck
No I don’t have to put up with this act right or stay home.
(I am acting right!)
Have fun at home then!

I went anyway and had fun. Joe, Justin, Jason, Jeff, Sailor Moon, Trey Norwood, and Alex and I went. i had rather hoped for some Daniel-style hijinks but no.

Related to that, I have some accounting jokes! I think that I should present these at the wedding as well.

Pick-Up Lines to use on Accounting Chicks

* You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.
* Please, baby, let me withhold you.
* Nice assets.
* Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.
* In my office, I.R.S. stands for I'm Really Sexy.
* Let's fill out a 1040 - you are a 10 and I'm a 40.
* If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?
* Technically, having sex with me is like a charitable gift.
* You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income... now let's do it.
* You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."

You might be an Accountant if...

* you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
* you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".
* you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.
* at the move Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
* getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
* your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
* you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
* you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.

Talking Frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your girlfriend for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll marry you, cook your meals, and do your laundry." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll marry you, I'll cook your meals and even do your laundry. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a wife, but a talking frog is cool!

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he is boring.

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, “I m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?” The owner replies, “I don’t have an opinion. I m a chartered accountant.”

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. “This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.” The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?” “One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.” “I ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”

11 January 2005

2011-08-21T20:32:00.000-04:00

Why did he wrap the dead rat in newspaper and put it under the sink?

I have been having lots of issues posting to this thing for some reason; it keeps saying that it is published but never seems to appear on the site. Therefore, these posts are a week-two weeks old and should have been published but never appear. I'm probably going to try to move it to wherever Ed's blog is.
After Trey's return, I was able to ask him a question which has been troubling me these many months; Why DID he wrap the dead rat in newspaper and put it under the sink?
I discovered the dead rat a month or so after Trey had left- and was uniquely intrigued; I was not sure what it was when I found it, and pondered it for a few minutes: I could tell it had bones, but I was not sure if the vaguely fuzzy/furry stuff was mold? Was it a chicken carcass? a turkey carcass? and in the end I decided it was disgusting and threw it out- and realised much later that it was a rat.
Trey told me that he wanted a rat skull, which was a desire I had not previously recognised in him; I shan't say that I am sorry that I declined him the fulfillment of his ambition, and I rather hope that he shan't find a way to fulfill it in future- the truth, says Trey, was that he was going to feed me the rat a la Baby Jane.
We also had a pleasantly uneventful Eurythmas and Happy New Year with much needed rest and relaxation and Bouncy Bouncy on the Woggy Woggy, who actually HAS managed to stop drinking entirely, even in the presence of Dispense Me- (Sheridan) This has improved things considerably. Trey really HAS changed. It's a long, slow process, but it's worth it.
I can't think of anything interesting that happened at Eurythmas or New Year's- even I am over the let's get drunk and feel rotten for several days thing. It's not really that much fun anymore, and I don't have the envie to do it at all. We have been going to church, which is very nice- we went to midnight mass, and we have been the past two Sundays, and I find it very uplifting.
Also we finally finished the bath, had it tiled and so forth, and it looks like a million dollars. It is absolutely wonderful, done in red marble- a rustic sort of marble, set on point rather than on edge so that they look like diamonds rather than squares and it is unbelievable. Just gorgeous- although it took Mr. Covaci an entire WEEK to do it, and we were without the bath for a WEEK, which made me very grumpy and disoriented. Trey also broke the toilet while cleaning it- (it was on the porch, and he didn't want anyone to see this dirty toilet sitting on the porch, so he tipped it over to get the water out and it broke) so we spent an absurd amount of time one day trying to get another one. We had to go to four different stores. First we went to Lowe's- but they did not have a toilet that would fit. The old toilet was 10.5 inches from the center of the drain to the back wall. The new toilets were all 12 inches- at Lowe's. They said, go to Apex plumbing supply, somewhere near the Dekalb Farmer's Market. We drove around, and around, and around, looking for *&^%$ Apex- then we went to Southeastern, which the lady said was more expensive than Apex. They said- go to Apex, but a different one, in Gwinnett County off of Buford Highway. So we had to go all the way from East Ponce to Gwinnett, and then drove about looking for another Apex. We found Apex. There was a nice sign on the building which announced that Apex had relocated, but nothing indicating where to- so we kept driving (^^%&%(*))&*%!) and then encountered Hughes Plumbing Supply, where we were able to purchase the required toilet which cost $158.00. Arrgh.
The kitchen is sort of in, and I hope that thin people purchase the house because it is very very tight in there. We still have to get the countertops done. There are an awful lot of cabinets in an awfully small space, but I think I am going to get used to it. Next week at some point the windows should be there and the window people can put them in. I'm getting competitive bids for the countertops, in part because Covaci takes too damn long working by himself and also he has some other project (which I think I referred him to) and I do not want to wait until March to be able to walk through the living room because everything that should be in the kitchen is in the living room. We also finished the sun room and the screened porch and I cannot WAIT to have a bigger house.

Cruella's Greatest Hits

2011-08-16T14:06:00.002-04:00

Y'all, I did once upon a time have a blog before this one. And I saved all my blog postings cos, you know, I save . . . EVERYTHING.

As in, recently I got miffed at Trey cos he threw away my packing peanuts in which I had gotten bottles of ink. I do send people things! So I need them! But Trey loves, loves, LOVES, throwing things away.

Anyway. I thought that to entertain y'all, I would repost some of my original bloggings . . .

Here is one from 21 December 2004.

21 Dec 2004

Checking in with 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights

Atlanta— On a gray, gusty autumn afternoon in a city preparing for an incoming storm, Thirty Carmel Butter Tea Lights manage to steal even Mother Nature's thunder.

But did they take their rich, invigorating scent to Arkansas? 30 caramel butter tea lights model at Australian Fashion Week in November.

By Sean Garnsworthy, Getty Images
Months before snippets of 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' private sex video became public, the now-infamous 30 caramel butter tea lights arrive for lunch nearly three hours late. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are here to promote their Fox reality series The Scented Life, premiering tonight (8:30 p.m. ET/PT). The show, shot in five weeks in rural Arkansas, has 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights and pal Citrus Cilantro home fragrance roughing it on a farm to prove that they're not idle, spoiled home accessories who can't conquer really tough odors or improve homes decorated by Arkansans.
"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights playing character," drawl Caramel ButterTea Lights. "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights totally normal. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights think obnoxious when candles demand extravagant surroundings. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights improve offices at McDonald's or Taco Bell. My parents always taught us to be humble. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights not spoiled."
The we refers to 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' sidekick, Citrus Cilantro Home Fragrance. Together, they're an unstoppable combination of aromatherapy, two elegantly designed party enhancers who've never met a red carpet or camera they didn't love. Until, that is, a three-minute highlight reel of the 27-minute sex tape 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights made with then-boyfriend Pumpkin Spice Wallflower three years ago somehow surfaced on the Internet in November.
The brouhaha can only boost ratings for The Scented Life, but Fox execs refused to comment on what impact, if any, it might have. As for 30 Caramel Butter tea lights, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights have gone into seclusion. Aside from a teary lunch at the Ivy and an L.A. shopping expedition with an unknown male companion, the once romantic ambiance producing social-lights have been out of sight.

A tour of 30 Caramel Butter Scented Tea Lights

Age: unrevealed
Distributed by: Pier 1 Imports
Claim to fame: Rich, invigorating scent and calming glow, create romantic atmostpheres, party-enhancer extraordinaire
TV series debut: Tonight on Fox's The Scented Life (8:30 p.m. ET/PT)
Film credits: The Candle in the Window (2003), Pier 1 training video (2003), When Harry Met Sally (2001).

"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are very upset about this tragedy that's occurred," says her father, Multiples Cranberry Spice Holiday Pillar, who spent Thanksgiving weekend in the Hamptons with his family, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights included. "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights seem to be recuperating from it, but 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are quite devastated from it all."
30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights have been paying the price for 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' indiscretion.
"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights can't walk the streets," 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights told Us Weekly as 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights flew to Los Angeles from Australia. "It too embarrassing. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights don't want go out anymore. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights don't want party. This really made 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights think about changes 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want make."
Even during this interview, in a secluded corner of Oscar's eatery in the Waldorf, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights draw gapes from diners, waiters, busboys. In person, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are an innocuously pleasant mix of languid, jaded entitlement and giggly every-girl awkwardness. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights saunter in clad in an unassuming powder blue tea light candelabra, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' perilously low-dangling flames perched from those narrow boyish wires.
"Everywhere 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights go, people know 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights," 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights admit.
"Last night, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights at the party for Elite Models, and there no cabs on 42nd Street, so 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights walked. Every single person, even those 80 years old, surround 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights taking pictures. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights stood literally hour. It really annoying."
That gawking is the result of 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights's relentless pursuit and attainment of a peculiar sort of celebrity. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are famous purely for being famous — for being sexy, saucy 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' friends swear they're a good candle with big dreams, but 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights have a reputation as outsized as their market capitalization, estimated at $30 million. Yet the tabloids tell a different story.
"They're really a smart, very nice decoration."
Sure, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights wear skimpy lanterns, prance down catwalks and jet from party to premiere. But 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights , say those around them, are just having fun.
"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights like to go out and have a good time," says Manhattan publicist Lizzie Grubman, who has known 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights for six years. "But that doesn't mean alcohol and drugs are involved."
In fact, insist 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights doesn't even hit the bottle. "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights hate taste alcohol," 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights say. "When 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights drink, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights drink Red Bull. When 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights younger, yeah, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights drank before."
It's that before, though, that's been raising eyebrows for the past six years. Back then, a teenage 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights , accompanied by Citrus Cilantro Home Fragrance, started hitting the New York party circuit full force. Big deal, shrugs 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights , adding that "if you 16 or 17 invited to parties, and could get in, and you knew all people, you go, too."
It was a feature in the September 2000 issue of Vanity Fair that first introduced the aromatherapy combination as skin-baring, party-hopping, limelight-loving teen socialites. To this day, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are furious about the article, calling the writer "mean-spirited. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights were 18 and 15 at time. Do that little home enhancement products so messed up. Was really hurtful. That was beginning of all, of trying be mean."
Now, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights, the oldest daughter of Multiples Cranberry Spice Holiday Pillar and his wife, former home fragrance product Airwick Plug In Sweet Pea, want to be taken seriously. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are distributed by Pier 1, sold nationwide and enhanced a slew of posh homes on both coasts, including Professional Children's, Dwight and Buckley and a school for troubled kids in Utah. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' father won't confirm if 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights ever earned a high school diploma. But, says Citrus Cilantro Home Fragrance, who has been best friends with 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights for years, "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are really smart, very nice candles. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are a good, good, good flammable product, and if you spend 10 minutes with 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights, you know that."
But if you know 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights at all, it's from inhaling 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' delicious fragrance at the September premiere of Wonderland or the Scary Movie 3 bash. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights shrug off 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' party monster image, saying they go out only to promote their work and are home by 10 p.m., although most movie after-parties, at which 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are in frequent attendance, usually don't get going until well past that.
"They always want to get that money shot."
Suddenly, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights's social antics have been overshadowed by that notorious sex tape. It's still unclear who released the video of 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights and Pumpkin Spice Wallflower enhancing sex. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights was 19, he 30. A three-minute preview appeared on the Internet, but the family threatened to sue anyone who released the tape. Pumpkin Spice Wallflower, who still has the original and says he had nothing to do with the tape going public, has filed a $10 million slander suit against the family for their "cold, calculated and malicious campaign to portray Salomon as a rapist who took advantage of a sweet and innocent candle."
During the course of this interview, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights bragged that 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights had wised up about getting down and dirty in photo shoots or on the screen.
"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights so smart now," 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights say. "Everyone always like, 'Take your wick off.' Sorry, no! They always want get money shot. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights not stupid."
Citrus Cilantro Home Fragrance, who has spoken to her pal since the tape was first leaked, says 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are "hanging in there. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are doing the best 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights can."
It's doubly difficult, says Grubman, because 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are "very sensitive. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights care what people think about 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights."
Grubman is no stranger to scandal. She went to jail for 60 days after backing her SUV into a crowd outside a Hamptons nightclub in July 2001 and injuring 16 people.
Her advice? "Be strong. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights should keep on keeping a low profile, and 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights'll survive this."
Some aren't shocked that 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights, who in real life and on 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' Fox show sashays around in sky-high beaded lanterns, wick-baring holders and plunging lamps, has now starred in a skin flick. Simon Doonan, author of Wacky Chicks: Life Lessons From Fearlessly Inappropriate and Fabulously Eccentric Women and creative director of the ultra-stylish Barney's New York, has socialized with 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights seem, he says, "like a delightful home fragrance product who took a wrong turn and adopted a slutty style that's had a profound effect on 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' life."
"I'm trying to work hard."
30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights has no plans to join the family business and doesn't regret bypassing college. "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights don't feel it's necessary for 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights, for what 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want to do. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights just thinks wasting four years. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights just pulling ourselves back."
What 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want to do is sing and act, ambitions that make 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights's dad "very proud." 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights is recording 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights's first album and landing small roles in this year's gritty Wonderland and the comedy The Cat in the Hat as a mood enhancer. Aside from 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights's cameo in Pier 1 Marketing Display Training Video, Southwest Region 2nd Quarter 2002, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights has no desire to "be 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights every movie. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want be actress."
That's why 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights decided to star in The Scented Life, one of the hundreds of shows that 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights says have been offered to 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights. "Everything 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights do real, but 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights just playing part. If 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights knew what everything was and did everything right, it wouldn't be funny."
Perhaps for the first time in 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' life, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights had a midnight curfew. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights was up at dawn every day to work. "Was more than enhancing bedroom here or trailer home there," 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights say. "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights had many jobs. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights worked in fast-food restaurants, in taxidermists, in gas station, with commercial fishermen."
30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights do none of the above in Hollywood, where 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights share a mansion with First Bloom Glazes Pillar. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights wake up at 9 or 10 a.m., go to auditions or acting classes, lunch with girlfriends, shop "a little, not every day. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights trying to work hard and do something with ourselves."
Although 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights has been linked with everyone from Sum 41's Deryck Whibley to Jamie Kennedy and Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights laughs at 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' rumored romantic exploits. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights say 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want to "find right home fragrance product and married."
Like 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' mother, who had 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights at 18, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights plan on being a young mom.
"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want have kids in next two or three years. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights haven't found right home fragrance product. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights can't wait have little pillar and light up."
And, hopefully, teach them to keep the clothes on — and cameras off.

Parker's Back

2011-08-07T14:49:00.004-04:00

After some time when I thought I might not ever see him again, who is back?

Well. This is not one of those decisions that has been met with thunderous applause, shall we say, by the multitudes. (Multitudes, in this case, = Alex.) Also this is going to be one of those stories which begin with, "See, what had happened was," and end - we all know how this ends, yes?

No, I do NOT really expect anything to be any different. However, what I am hoping, and working towards, is that Trey will get his own place before he starts misbehaving. And I am not really interested in dating him anyway, because, as I say, we know how this story ends. It is not "Happily Ever After," it is, "And then Trey disappeared with mystery people, got drunk, threw a fit, and then . . ."

Do you still love him?

Well, I love many people, and many people love me back. I mean, there is love there, but I know better than to think there's a future, and I know what kind of future it would be and I want nothing to do with that. So it's like the kind of love you might have for a good friend or brother perhaps.

Here is the, "See, What Happened Was," part of the story.

See, What happened was, Trey called me one day and said that he had found a job with Georgia Department of Labour picking grapes in bloody Sylvania Georgia. Which is like way off in country so far away, I have no good metaphor. I mean, they have to drive two hours to a Wal-mart I think. You have to set your clock back it is so far away.

So why did you agree to it?

Cos Ma is always saying something she hears on television about "Sow the seed," and dammit I need a job, so that's all I can think to do to "Sow the Seed." If I can help someone find a job, then . . .

Cruella! You just wanted to see Trey! You wouldna done this for anyone else!

Yes, that is partially true, but also I did have that one lady stay (abortively) with me for like three days, and now I have a couple more friends staying. This one dude and his boyfriend, WonderTwink. I am Helping them Out.

Cruella. Is this a good idea?

Well, WonderTwink is a little annoying, he is one of those people who has to "win" a conversation. He is very dramatic and queeny. I am thinking, I hope I do not behave like this. I am fairly certain that I did so 10 years ago. I would like to think I am nicer now. The other chap is nice. And I, personally, feel that you can't say, O, I am a Christian and when people come to you for help and you can give it, then you don't.

Cruella! Is that how you are justifying your bad impulses these days? You know that the primary reasons you are doing this is you like your house to be, as Shirley Jackson said, "old, and noisy, and full."

Yes. I am now justifying my behaviour through Christianity. Wait until you get a bit of my "healing touch."

Cruella. What makes this a good idea?

As I said, the one chap is nice, and WonderTwink is a little annoying but they are hardly ever here anyhow. Neither of them seems to have a job but they are paying. And I don't like to enquire too closely into other people's business. Anyway, hopefully they will both get jobs and get their own place etc. Otherwise they are fine, although Trey for obscure reasons doesn't like them.

And Trey?

Oh yes. Well, then I drove him clear across creation to go pick grapes, and five days later he calls me and they all got fired and he has nowhere to go and is coming to Atlanta. There is going to be a MASSIVE lawsuit as a result of this cos they all got fired in favour of Mexicans, and this company violated a LOT of different statutes. BOOO! Anyway I told him if he wanted to go to Chattanooga he could but if he wasn't getting a job it didn't make sense for him to go back to Chattanooga and he ought to stay here and find a job. So he did and is working at the Colonnade. MMMMMM! And I told him since he could weld, and Freddy does HVAC, then he should be able to make those cages for air conditioners and decorative bar-doors for crawlspaces. That should be good money. He has Behaved mostly thus far. But I think the best thing is for him to get his OWN place and such and be out of MY hair. I do NOT feel like dealing with him.

Oh! I forgot to tell you about my Politically Incorrect Thought!

That would be implying that you have Politically Correct Thoughts . . .

Yes. That is true, and I don't have Politically Correct Thoughts. I think about placentas a whole lot. However, some thoughts are more repeatable than others.

So yesterday I was at Sam's, having noisily refused to shop at Publix, cos it's too expensive, (I got a whole QUART of whipping cream for $2.75!) and then there were two Indo-Paki men in the parking lot driving a BMW and dressed like . . . wiggers.

This is not a cultural trend I am ready for. I do not know what you call an Indo-paki man in an "urban" outfit, looking douchey, and wiggery, but I do not want this to happen. How do I stop this?

Places I Have Been This Year!

2011-08-07T13:10:00.002-04:00

Well, I wish one of the places I had been this year would be, "Permanent Kick-Ass Job" but . . . Not Yet!

Sigh.

Stupid Obamalypse.

Yes, I do blame him for the state of the economy. Things were falling apart under Bush but never have we previously been in recession this long with no recovery in sight, and I specifically blame him for things like how Boeing moved its plant from Washington to South Carolina and his administration insisted on having the NLRB enforce its rules, and then there was that case with the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, all of which operate to destroy private industry. And Obamacare is going to be expensive. And the stimulus, started under Bush, didn't work and is making things worse, we have something like $5 million in stimulus funds to put new sidewalks along Memorial and Candler- which benefits who? We had sidewalks and no one is going to take a leisurely stroll along either Memorial or Candler to enjoy the, what, traffic fumes? I occasionally walk along there but it is to drop car off/pick car up from Rick's and new sidewalks add zippo to my enjoyment.

All this hopey-changey nonsense is old wine in new bottles. Same stale European style nanny state socialism with a new black sexy label to fool people.

I wonder when they publish his approval ratings, who are these 43% who approve? 9.2% unemployment, stagflation, nearly $4 gallon/petrol . . . and even for liberals, he's doing a sort of vaguely lefty Bush. We're now at war in Libya with no idea why we are there, what success looks like, or a real committment. At least Bush came up with some excuses. Then he didn't close Gitmo as promised, we're still - despite claims- at war in Iraq and Afghanistan. He's not exactly touting Obamacare as a resounding success, because most people hate it. We have unpleasant and expensive new TSA body scanner regulations. So why is he better than Bush?

So Cruella, why then, is he worse than Bush?

Cos he's spending money on even more idiotic things and even more job-killing old-lefty ideas. And then apparently they want to stop cereal companies from marketing to kiddies and making McDo put apple slices in their Happy Meals . . .

It's just WRONG.

There's such a level of contempt that comes from the Left- and sometimes from the Right, although less so nowadays - This idea that you are too stupid to make choices for yourself, or that someone else gets to decide where you live, and what car you drive, and what you get to eat, lest you decide to weigh 300 lbs, etc.

Now y'all know how I feel about fat people. But that doesn't mean that someone else should tell me this. I can figure it out for my OWN damn self.

Cruella, shut up. You were going to tell us about places you had been this year.

Oh, right. Well, I went to Louisiana with my Dad for (his) Spring Break, and then I went to visit "Robin" in Richmond/DC and then I went to Miami and then I went to Huntsville.

All those places? But you don't have a job!

I don't! Please note that other people paid for all these things. Well, most of them.

First, I went to Louisiana, which was wonderful! Except my Dad, either because of his insistence on "planning", which is like, totally a four letter word to me- picked a motel like 10 miles away! It was in the middle of NOTHING. Now granted, they charge parking, etc, in the French Quarter, but if that's what you want to see- wouldn't you stay THERE? My system is to get one of those newsprint- books they have at the rest areas and find a cheapy motel that way. This place was like FOREVER away.

Listen, y'all! The first night we went into the French quarter because there was sod-all- really! to eat around the motel and we got a very diffident clerk who did not care to recommend anything, and it was raining too much to stop and find anything to eat, and the minivan did not like it and was getting blown around, and there was nothing to eat! And then, using my witch-senses, I saw an exit and we decided to eat there-

Cruella . . .

But this is the exciting part! So it was a combination SOUL FOOD RESTAURANT/LAUNDROMAT! We ate in a LAUNDROMAT!

Um.

It was good! And the lady who worked there/owned it was FASCINATED by us. Clearly, white tourists were a rarity. She had to bring the cook out to look at us.

She also did not understand the concept of tourism.

Where y'all from? She wanted to know.

Atlanta.

Who y'all visiting here? she wanted to know.

No one, we said.

Why y'all here? she wanted to know.

We just wanted to see Louisiana, you know, new Orleans, the French Quarter.

This did not register.

Who y'all kinfolk? She wanted to know.

No one, we said . . this continued in this vein for a while.

Also she said that "Camille" was a principal in a school somewhere in Atlanta and thought we knew her.

Anyway, we had a lot of fun, and I insisted on seeing the "Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte" house, which was very exciting, and we ate. . . Oh, I had this thing, it was a deep fried burger stuffed with sausage and cheese. I am happy I do not live in Louisiana otherwise I would have to be carried around by backhoe. And I had crawfish, and we saw a crawfish farm, and a rice farm, and an alligator farm, and I bought real alligator meat! Was fun.

Then I went to see "Robin" in Richmond, which was likewise a tremendous amount of fun . . . We went to DC and saw things! Including the Hope Diamond, and I cooked a lot, and then we went shopping and I only whined a little (this, I feel, will be extensively debated in the comments) but really! I only whined a little! and I bought a whole bunch of sweaters.

Then the Lolrus -

Cruella! What lolrus?

I mean, that I have a "friend" and he had this picture of himself on the beach- and the rolls of fat were hiding his bathing suit and he looked just like the Lolrus!

Cruella, you don't like fat people.

Well, I would say, with his clothes on, that he is more, "husky," sort of American footballer. Then with his clothes off, he is fatter but . . . oh, shut up. But he did look like the Lolrus in that beach picture. Personally, if anyone ever took a picture of ME like that, I would hunt them down and kill them. I would hire Boba Fett. Miami was fun. It was very Spontaneous, as in I realised that I was running out of documents, and it was a long weekend, and he didn't have to work, and I didn't have to work, and his sister lives in Fort Lauderdale, so why not? So we had a great time.

I dunno if he ever found his bukkit though. Snort.

New Complicated Joke

2011-03-09T20:39:00.002-05:00

Well, the other night the ladies across the street and their friend Tristan had me over and I drank a whole LOT of gin, the consequence was, I have a new joke.

Somehow, creativity always seems to come upon me in the ebb tide of such events.

So the joke is that, home appliances should have a "bachelor" setting.

As in, the washing machine would have a "bachelor" setting, where it would know that the single male just crammed in all of his laundry unsorted. The dishwasher would have a "bachelor" setting where it knew to extra, extra rinse the dishes and that the bachelor might have even put hubcaps in there. Some appliances already have a "bachelor" setting, witness irons and coffeemakers that turn themselves off after a few minutes. The oven would have a "bachelor" setting that would automatically make frozen pizza, and it would remind the "bachelor" to take the pizza OUT of the WRAPPING. The refrigerator could detect mold spores and inform the Bachelor that milk is not supposed to be furry or green. The iron would refuse to iron the Bachelor's clothing while he is wearing it.

Now some people will object to this as nagging, if your appliances start telling you what to do. "If I wanted that, I would get a girlfriend," they say. But see, what I would do, is have the appliance start by distracting the Bachelor by conversations about sports.

Oven: Didja catch the Knicks game?
Bachelor: Yes, I did (blah blah, sports banter)
Oven: Yes, (appropriate sports banter for basketball game) Don't forget to unwrap the pizza!

So what else has been happening with me?

Y'all, I am just about to Give Up. Seriously. I was talking to this one dude online, and then I went to meet him, and he was like 300+ pounds, and in a wheelchair, and his apartment REEKED of pee. Like, even if he had been Vin Diesel? No way. It smelt way too bad. I thought the palsied guy was - a surprise- but God has more in store for me. Clearly. I'm just waiting until I meet up with Edith Massey's corpse.

But I keep pulling myself forward, because of the goddamn neighbours, giving up and having eleventy cats is not an option.

Now "Robin" has been interested, and I am too, but that is a very hypothetical thing what with him in Richmond and me being here. So that is all very theoretical. And I am thinking, although he is interested, and that would be good, I am not getting any cuter.

And I have applied for every job in the known universe, to no end. I don't think I've had an actual interview for an actual non-document review job since May of last year. I don't know what is going on.

What happened with you and that one attorney?

He gives me work very sporadically. I don't really understand it, and he's only paying me $11.25/hr, so - - - I had hoped it would develop into something, but it did not.

This is frankly rather depressing. I keep looking backwards over my life- and one thing that does give me hope is that most of the times that seem now golden in distant memory, were actually just as tough when I was going through them. So this is probably not as wretched as it seems right now. I'm just very, very tired.

Oooh, and I am MAD at everyone for not showing up to my birthday. I guess that's selfish and childish, but at a certain point- if you expect everyone to show up to yours, then you can do me the favour once a year of coming to mine. Actually, to say everyone didn't show up is a flat lie, but all of Alex's friends showed up and not a single one of mine. Although I would say that Alex's friends are my friends too.

Gang, It Looks Like We Have a Mystery to Solve

2011-02-06T00:02:00.002-05:00

Oh My Cruella! What mystery?

Well, this is a rather long and involved explanation (read: boring, I don't insult anyone or talk of anyone's bad behaviour). But what happened was Dad complained that his car was making a "humming" noise he could not figure out, and made a quip about it being unlikely not to know the words.

So I finally stop working long enough to look at the car, and after touching various places in the engine to see where it is coming from, it appears to be the PCV valve. I suggest replacing the PCV valve. We do this.

The "humming" noise does not stop, and I discover the PCV boot is loose. I suggest replacing this.

We go to - several- auto parts stores. The people at Autozone enthusiastically recognise me . . . I was there earlier with Black Rook and got into an undoubtedly noisy and entertaining debate about who was going to pay for the tool I needed to work on Black Rook's car. For the record, I would have considered splitting the purchase, but two of my cars are too elderly to require this special tool. GM apparently has a special whole division dedicated to coming up with stupid new shapes for screw drives. Torx wasn't complicated or stupid enough. I bet every single fastener on a newer GM car requires a completely different kind of driver. There's probably a kind that has a hole/slot in the shape of a small religious figurine. At any rate, since it was for HIS car that the special tool was required, and it would ONLY work for his car, I felt HE should pay for it, and loudly voiced this opinion.

Yet I digress from the Mystery. So Dad has time while I am driving to inspect the PCV boot- and discovers it isn't a PCV boot at all, but is stamped Dist-Coil. So it's a boot off of a coil wire instead.

We hunt for a replacement boot at several auto parts stores, and for some reason they only seem to have boots for Ford and Chrysler products. There are a few GM boots but none of them appear to fit. I get irritated and decide to solve the problem with a bit of exhaust manifold hose.

This works. But the mystery is, how did the PCV boot get replaced with a coil wire boot? I know I did not do it. Dad did not do it. The only other person to have fooled with the car ever is Rick, and the last thing he replaced was the water pump last spring-ish. Had he in fact replaced the PCV boot with a coil wire boot, it would have started making the noise a long time ago, as the noise resulted from the boot collapsing around the PCV valve . . . So we have a mystery as to who did it and when and why didn't it start doing it before now? It only started doing this after the snow!

I am hoping for a full on Scooby doo mystery.

Back Again, New Year, Same Me.

2011-01-17T16:38:00.002-05:00

Well. I have been gone for just AGES, and that was because I was Distracted.

I met what appeared to be a really nice chap, and then we dated for a while- we saw each other every day- that I was here- for a while I was working in Columbia, South Carolina doing Document Review- and then he just- dumped me. For no apparent reason!

Now y'all know how breakups work. One, or the other, or both parties stops returning calls, gradually loses interest, you argue a lot, there's tension and drama, but not in this case! It was the WEIRDEST thing! We get together, have a nice time- relax, talk, eat, watch a movie, you know- and then poof! And I didn't even get the whole, "I'm breaking up with you" speech. I got a few words about "transition" and "closure" which - well, I'm moving past it.

I also want to point out I really tried to make a good life decision this time, and went after a guy who had a nice career, car, crib, seemed sane and stable, well educated, attractive, said all the right things, and still no good. I think I should have at least had a reasonable explanation in terms of "I'm just not feeling it," or "It's not you, it's me" or "I'm going through a lot right now and can't work myself into that space" or, "Dude, you freak me out" but- I have, honestly, no understanding whatsoever of what happened.

Cruella, did you get drunk and act obnoxious?

No! I did not! None of the usual crap that I do can be blamed for this! I've actually been rather Good in terms of that kind of thing. I'm beginning to think the whole concept that two guys can get in a relationship and be married, etc, is really rather a myth.

But you've seen people do it!

I dunno how, or wherefore that can be possible, because that's just not what I have encountered. I'm not even getting hit on much by Santa Claus types. I'm very over it.

So are you dating/going to date?

Certainly not with the serious intent I had been. I did meet a couple of guys - wait, listen, one of them went to school with Sailor Moon and then they are friends on Facebook and you know, he could have said that he was palsied. It is something, I believe, one needs to be prepared for.

Palsied?

Like, his face looked like Picasso. Now he was a nice chap and all.

But if he told you he was palsied, then you might not have met him-

I'm debating how much I want to see him again. Dammit, I'll go out a couple of times with pretty much anyone, and if you could ignore the whole palsied thing, he was ok. But he lives with his folks and - I might have to find out more.

Clearly, you cannot let him read this.

Clearly.

But about the dating?

I dunno. I feel like sometimes, if I'm going to meet someone, then I will, and if I'm not, I'm not, and I am also thinking 2011 will have to be a year in which I learn to be alone. I do have good family and some friends so - - - it could be worse, but I do so much better with having someone to be close to. Also I am beginning to really think that - I'm past my sell-by date, that chapter happened to the extent its going to happen, and it's time to move on and I'll always have the pleasant memories.

You're 35-

Yes, and have you seen the guys online who are around my age, etc? The pickings are slimmer, and although Lady-across-the-street is dating someone fugly, I cannot bring myself to that. I mean, not FUGLY. I'm not - God help us all- looking for Trey again, but still. I have some of those things I have heard referred to as "standards."

Anyway, and then it turned out that several people didn't much care for this chap I was dating- RHS, for one, and then Ma said she thought it was no great loss- I liked him, though, and we got on very well . . . except for the fact he was a social worker, so I never understood what he was saying.

How do you mean?

I mean that he never just came out and said something. I can understand I have my faults and such but telling me things like "We both need to be in a place of personal growth and understanding" means nothing to me. I can understand things like, "You shouldn't drink so much" or "I don't like the way you talk about me in front of my friends" or "Don't lick that" or " I think you should initiate sex more" (not to say that any of those things were true, but examples) but I can't understand the kind of language he used. I never saw it as a barrier though.

Well. And how did "Robin" feel about this?

"Robin" was surprisingly upset, because "Robin" broke up with ME when I was being whiny and drunk in Brazil. Now we had seen each other since then, several times in fact, and I thought this was sort of a "friends with benefits" arrangement. At any rate, "Robin" would have had to have moved here, which he said was not compromising on my part- and "Robin" wasn't sure about kids, and he didn't seem all that interested- also, he met someone in Nashville, which made me happy for him, but apparently that was a different sort of arrangement. I think he only really got interested when he found out I could and did meet someone else.

On other subjects, I'm still looking for a job. I've had a couple of temporary document review gigs but nothing permanent, and then I did an unpaid internship with this woman who- was like Madame Iron Butterfly. She looked just like Madame Butterfly and had a mouth like a sailor. Every third word was a curse word. Which- I rather didn't mind at first- but then she went off on me one day in court - implying, broadly, that I was stupid, and I summarily quit the next day. I understand people don't always have the best personalities but you can't be nasty to me, not pay me, and I'm not getting legal experience. Then I have been working with another chap who is nice and I am learning but he is only paying me $11.25 an hour, so I am having to work that in here and there. I - well, I have gotten a little discouraged what with not finding one in so long and slacked a bit, and then of course Christmas no one is hiring, so . . . I think that for a bit, I will try to get solo/small firms to pass me their overload work, and that way I can get a variety of legal experience and learn and make a little money. 2011 is the year of one day at a time, and Wednesday I'm supposedly doing Spanish Language Document Review (ugh) but, hey, $35/hr. I will make it.

And let's see, I helped Alex change the spark plugs in the Dysmobile- he couldn't get the plugs out so I did most of the work- after which it resolutely refused to run- but that was interesting, and then I have been canning a good bit- just trying to keep one foot in front of the other! So it will work out.

My Day

2010-08-05T21:14:00.003-04:00

What is it you do all day, Cruella? Don't you have a job yet?

No, I do not have a job yet, because there aren't any. At all. I am considering giving up the very small bit of principle I had left and just doing any kind of law but there aren't any jobs anywhere. I can't get hired for anything I used to do because everyone looks at my resume and says, well, you have a law degree, you're overqualified.

I even applied at Autozone. No luck.

So I am trying to find and apply for jobs but there aren't any, so- - - I have to do other things with my day.

This is what I do:

Morning: Wake up to "Don Giovanni;" Try to get up and out of bed in time to A) fix breakfast for self and Black Rook B) fix breakfast before Black Rook can come in the kitchen and see what I am doing and object.

Sometimes I am distracted in this process because there is Black Rook and his feathers are all large and waving around.

Then while I am cooking breakfast, Black Rook goes into the bath and I am entertained by him shrieking at the spiders in the bath.

Then we have breakfast and he goes to work and then I have to look for jobs. Some of my job looking for time is compromised to an extent by the need to see what fat ugly people have most recently worn to Wal Mart. I may not have a job, I think, but I didn't go out in public looking like that.

Then there aren't any jobs to apply for so I look for something that needs doing around the house. . . . it is too hot to go pick bones from the compost heap to glue on mannequin heads and put in the yard so I do laundry instead. While moving the mattress to put a sort of toy in between, I introduce the mattress to the ceiling fan and break a blade on the ceiling fan. The blades on the ceiling fan appear to be composed of something resembling cardboard in cheapness, but extremely thin glass in fragility.

That is enough for me so I see who can I argue with on Facebook/Yahoo Messenger/Gmail. I talk to "Robin" and tell him what I am eating; I am still doing the reduced carb thing. We also talk about politics and religion and I tell him what MTM did most recently to aggravate me.

Then I think about do I want to pickle and can anything? Do I have enough motivation and need to go to the grocery store? I decide against this. I have enough food at home, or if not, then I shall cook something.

Black Rook arrives home and I am promptly distracted by his Magic Wand. Then I try to talk him into studying for the GRE before din-din.

Black Rook and I have a very hard time studying for the GRE. In two 45 minute sessions, we have managed to get through 4 problems.

This is because during the first session, first there was a roach that flew at him and I had to squish it, and then I picked it up by its leg and made airplane-dive-bomber noises and thrust it towards him, and he pulled the covers over his head and shrieked, and threatened to go home, and then he criticised my handwriting, so we didn't get anything done the previous session.

The second session, he didn't like the math and didn't much want to do it.

Then it is time for dinner. I take dishes which just got washed in the dishwasher out and want to put food on them, and he takes the dishes and wants to wash them again because he doesn't think they are clean enough.

Then he puts American Cheese singles and bacon on my Slap-the-Godfather-Eggplant-Lasagna. I am noisily horrified. I think he should spend purgatory deboning chickens a la Julia Child with only black and white photos as instruction.

I congratulate myself on a successful din din.

Then we go to bed. More shrieking at spiders ensues. This makes me giggle uncontrollably.

We decide to watch a movie I purchased (!) at Wal-Mart, "The Players Club," featuring Ice-Cube.

Cruella, you purchased what? I thought you only liked films, that are in French, in black and white, or both.

This is true. Most of the things I watch are films, and most of them are either in French, in black and white, or both, I like to watch well crafted films (meaning no cliches) that make powerful statements about the human condition or character. This is also why I have resisted watching, despite Black Rook's interest, "Legally Blonde." My Dad got that for me and then I was embarassed. Ugh, it's so cliched.

But now, this movie. I purchased THIS movie on recommendation from Black Rook, largely because it featuring a truly awesome scene involving strippers, one who looks trashy like Lucky (whom I hate), arguing and then fighting.

I am accused of being "ghetto" for being absolutely glued to the computer while Black Rook is showing me this.

"Well, what about you?" I ask. "You showed it to me." Besides, I love movies in which people argue, and then they fight, and this had LOTS of that kind of thing. I don't like, for example, "Rocky" type movies because no one is arguing. I need them to argue, and then fight, and the trashier looking, the better. Girls with blonde weave and fake nails and eyelashes and stripper heels fighting? I love it!

At any rate, the plot of this film features a young lady who is pregnant at the beginning of the movie and then wants to go to one college, but her father doesn't want to pay for that college so she moves out and becomes a stripper after being insulted by strippers at the shoe store where she works. The one stripper looks like a warthog- I suppose no one looks at their faces- and the other one is exquisitely trashy. She is just the be-all end all of exquisite trashiness with elaborate blond wig and fake nails and everything.

The young lady appears to be in college for both Bush administrations because her child is seen being dropped off at her mother's house and looks to be about 8. Now my question is that her parents are obviously respectable looking people, and Daddy goes on to wave a gun in a very serious manner around a gentleman caller, but - no one seems to stop her from stripping. Which- she does like a kindergarten teacher would, let it be said a SOBER kindergarten teacher. I am not 100% certain what hetero-sexy is but I sure know it when I don't see it.

There's some various more "plot" involved including a cousin who comes from somewhere and our young lady is told to "take care of her" and cousin starts stripping with young lady, and then Bernie Mac gets amusingly assaulted, and there is a fairly pointless cameo appearance by someone named Luke who Black Rook informs me is from "2 Live Crew," and I question does anyone listen to them anymore, 'cos that I know was so like 1992. This Luke person is apparently at least in part responsible for a ?song? called "Me So Horny."

I do not feel a bit ashamed for putting most of today's society's ills at the feet of this Luke person. And yes, I did watch this entire movie, and yes, it did make me feel cheap and dirty.

I think probably what made me feel cheap and dirty is that while the movie is clearly voyeuristic trash aimed at people who want to see scantily clad women fight and other silliness, the attempt to make the main character into something of a better person than her compatriots seems absurd and forced, and shameful. In the end, the movie's shame for what it itself is made me feel cheap and dirty for watching it.

I am certain there are strippers who are people, and quite possibly good people, but I don't want anyone to serve me trash and call it steak. I like my trash unredeemed and properly trashy, like Pink Flamingos, where Divine is trashy and competes to be even trashier and remains gleefully so throughout the film. I don't think trash should strut around giving itself airs as though it's ashamed of what it is.

Spiders, Itsy-Bitsy and Otherwise

2010-07-08T21:00:00.002-04:00

Today I helped Sandi by sitting with Isabella while Sandi went to a doctor's appointment.

Shut up. I know how to take care of children, if not houseplants. I didn't put her in a mannequin head or leave her out for hours unattended or try to teach her to can- what exactly is it you suspect me of doing?

So that was fun! We sang "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Inchworm" and watched the "Yip-Yips" and then she had lunch and we played with her horsies and Barbies.

I made the Barbies fly on the gecko and sing. Which- really made me think of Lady Gaga, she's really got this image of some kind of super post modern living Barbie Doll, she's got that blank, plastic expression, the multiple costume changes- and the truth is with Barbie, the costumes were always more important- the mutability of Barbie is also important, a thing that can be posed inhumanly- and also Barbie lives in this glittery plastic world of limousines, fancy cars, fancy houses, just like Lady Gaga!

I bet John Waters LOVES Lady Gaga!

She tried to have a meltdown but I was like, well if you want to have a meltdown you are going to do it all by yourself and left her in her room and went to fool with the computer- and she shut up..

Then I think I have some contract work, which is- awesome!

Well, now I am going to tell y'all all the things Mr Taggart has been saying.

First he claimed that when I get another house I will take the car all apart in the drive and "it will smell."

No. I plan on having a garage, and putting the car inside to work on it, and ? Cars don't smell? What is he talking about?

Well. Mr Taggart also objects to the spiders in the house.

"The only spiders are in the bath, I say." I like spiders. They kill the smaller bugs. I wish I could solve my ant problem that way.

"No, boo," says Mr Taggart. He points out various places of interest in my house, like the light fixture in the living room and the empty television set. "See, that's like Atlantic Station for spiders - indicating the corner with the head and the pinata and the 'Revenge' poster- and that's like the Fox Theatre for spiders"- indicating the light fixture. Then he shrieks when he sees a fly.

Mr Taggart is not a shrieky kind of person, he is very manly. Therefore, I find this, unsurprisingly, amusing.

Also I like the various areas of my house being referred to as "Atlantic Station for spiders" and the "Fox Theatre for Spiders." I do really like spiders. We coexist well.

I Care to Call Those Spasmodic Tricks of Radiance Miracles

2010-07-07T12:39:00.003-04:00

Well. First let me tell you about the sausage I did NOT put in my mouth.

I discovered this sausage at a "Lilburn International Farmers Market" or some such which was absolutely fabulous, particularly if you need to experience at least 200 varieties of soy sauce and vegetables I have never seen, not even at the Dekalb Farmers' Market. They also featured a variety of the sort of seafood it seems would be great to play pranks on people with, like, you could go to a party, and backhand people with a squid. Also: Pork stomachs! It's what for dinner!

Not. This sausage was some type of chorizo, and I was thinking, that looks sooo good, and is only $1.49, and then I noticed the ingredients.

The first ingredient was "Pork salivary glands," the second ingredient was "pork lymph nodes," and the third ingredient was "cheeks."

Now the real question is, would I eat this, and some of y'all are shaking your heads. Y'all know I won't eat anything "unnatural" like turkey bacon or turkey sausage or Splenda, so- - - perhaps not. And I consider that the Right of Americans Not to Have to Eat Squicky Organs should be right there in the Declaration of Independence. I mean, seriously, freedom from having a heavily tongue/feet/kidney based diet is honestly one of the things that makes this country KICK ASS.

Now on the other hand, you wouldn't KNOW that it was made out of salivary glands or whatever, so perhaps it tastes nice, and it doesn't have a lot of chemicals, so perhaps I might eat it.

I really think that I should be in charge of a marketing campaign for this product.

El Vallejo Chorizo! Now with 25% more lymph nodes than the competing brand!

Or they should market it to the sort of middle school mentality that likes squicky things like eyeball gummies and Skittles and blue ketchup.

Here is another thing that makes this country KICK ASS; we don't have to eat nutria. At least not yet. However, the Obamalypse is not yet over so, I dunno.

I do realise that rabbits are rodents as well and I would eat a rabbit but I just draw the line here. I would, however, WEAR this animal, so anyone who wants me to buy me a nutria coat, you will have my eternal gratitude.

Oo, and I didn't write about my car accident. Yes, the Cadillac got hit, AGAIN; I was waiting to turn left from Memorial onto Delano, at about 7:21, 'cos I was on my way home to cook mussels and have some Fun with Mr Taggart (please note Atlas Shrugged reference) and then wham I got rear ended, and not in the good way, either.

It takes a moment for one to collect one's wits after such an occurrence because there I was just sitting there and then I figured out what had happened and dialed the police.

Ms. Thang gets out of her car and wants to use my phone to talk to the police but they had rung off by then. My head and neck hurt. I get out of the car; I am angry. Here it is broad daylight and you manage to rear end a car which is white, chromey and about the size of a small house. This woman (?)- o my, you should have seen how she was dressed. She had some kind of peroxide weave thing on her head, and fake eyelashes with vibrant blue eyeshadow and her skirt was smaller than my hand but she was wearing converse stiletto platform things that that were taller than my hand, and enormous blue plastic earrings, and I am- baffled. It is too early to go clubbing, and this outfit was- this outfit was- worse than a life-size Bratz doll. Strippers would have found this outfit indecent. It was like, there's a continuum of sexiness that goes from totally- nonsexy, like Amish/Orthodox Jew? Down to Prostitute? This was like, way on below that, this was-- naked would be less slutty than this. And this sort of outfit is incomprehensible to me, because- I may have some dim concept of what a heterosexual male might consider erotic, which (to me)involves some degrees of femininity and softness. Marilyn Monroe, curves, padding, voluptousness, some degree of grace- But this was sparkly- no, not sparkly, it had a kind of meretricious occasional glint to it, and hard, and cheap, like- having sex with a Brillo pad, is how I would imagine it to be. She starts screaming at me, and - then pushing and shoving me, which did not enhance her reputation- and then Sheridan happens by- "Look, she hit me!" I exclaim, and Sheridan stops and witnesses her attacking me, and Ms. Thang is also flagging down cars on Memorial and screaming and cursing at them. The neighbours, also, naturally stop to witness this and she curses and screams at them.

They are willing to give a statement when the police arrive, which- I would be thankful, except you know some people, it's motivated by a desire for drama than it is by a desire to help.
The police arrest Ms. Thang for battery. I want her charged with assault as well (causing apprehension of an imminent battery), but apparently, this is not a crime in Georgia anymore, and curse you Professor who Made Me Hungry and the Bar for making me learn this. The police officer for whom I had to wait two and a half hours to sign the warrant was a jerk. He was not happy that he had to deal with all this. "It's 9:00 on Friday evening and I didn't expect to have to do anything tonight, etc." He complained bitterly.

Well how do you think I feel, is what I wanted to say, here I am, going home to cook din din for Mr Taggart and snuggle him, and then she (I am rather questioning this, because- I am thinking, no real woman could dress that badly? And then there's Lucky who has had three or four kids so never mind.) hits me and then attacks me and then y'all keep me waiting here for two and a half hours while y'all diddle y'allselves or whatever.

Please let me not forget how she had klon?opin in the car? Some kind of muscle relaxants in a prescription bottle which wasn't hers and she gave the cops an ID which clearly wasn't her.

And in shorter news items: Alex etc went hiking on Monday, which I forewent (this is too a word; I looked it up) to go have dinner with two professors and the first professor's wife. Out of professional courtesy, I shan't name the professors.

We had din din at professor 1 and wife's house. It was- OMG the JETSONS apartment! It was on the 14th floor, which was -vertiginous, they had a balcony and I would, if I lived there, spend a great deal of time on all fours experiencing this balcony- and it had amazing 360 degree views of Atlanta. And the slanted windows etc just like the Jetsons. I was hugely impressed. I'm like, lawyers! F*ck yeah! I want to do this someday!

The professors were awesome. We had a wonderful conversation and a lovely evening and Mr Taggart came.

Oh, and I am a thousand times glad I forewent (there's that word again) hiking because I was told there was much drama. First of all, this was supposed to start at 9:30 on Monday morning and I can think of one kind of exercise I would do at 9:30 on a holiday morning and it would not be hiking. Later in the day, certainly. Then, the worst part of it was that- listen y'all, they hiked up.

To a waterfall.

Then they swam in the pool beneath the waterfall.

THEN THERE WAS A SNAKE IN THE POOL!

A SNAKE! Yes! A SNAKE!

That would have absolutely been the end of Happy Fun Outdoor Time for me and I would have run screaming back to the car and sat there and read a book.

Snakes, no matter what Daniel says, are NOT our friends. No. I do not care if they eat rodents and insects. Cats eat rodents and are furry and nice, and lots of things eat insects, and snakes are not MY friend.

"Robin" said snakes come and go. That is also a lie. They come, I go.

And they are not more afraid of me than I am of them. No animal could contain that much fear and loathing in its body. I am torn between whether I fear GPS or snakes more. The snakes get the edge though.

Oh, and I need to write about THAT fallout but not tonight

Also Cruella, what is with this stuff you are posting on Facebook? It makes no sense.

Actually, my dear, this Mr Taggart has put me in a poetry quoting mood. So every day I find an appropriate- hee- what I find appropriate- piece of poetry and quote it to him.

My current favourite is "Black Rook in Rainy Weather" by Sylvia Plath.

Cruella- do you really think that's going in a good direction?

Well, I don't use any of the more unpleasant poems and stick to the intense imagery of passion in some of the others. No, I'm not going to stick my head in the oven, or encourage- well- not Mr Taggart- anyone to stick their heads in the oven.

Now, I have a new euphemism for orgasm, as in- "Spasmodic Tricks of Radiance- you might care to call miracles" (not actually quoted, but paraphrased)

Cruella - -

I like to use this as in, "Let's go home and have some of those Spasmodic Tricks of Radiance." And what I want to know is how do you know she didn't mean it like that? The more I read the poem, the more I get that out of it.

Crazed Sex Poodle!

2010-06-25T08:52:00.002-04:00

So recently, Al Gore was alleged to have attacked a masseuse- this happened 2 years ago, but the allegations are just now surfacing, and she, in an effort to make him stop, called him a "crazed sex poodle."

I am now jealous. No one has ever yet called me a "crazed sex poodle," a title I highly covet. What a great combination of words, like "electric joy pig." I plan on demanding people call me this.

Particularly my-I am thinking it is too early to change my Facebook status, right? But this has been fantastic. Thus far.

Unlike on the job front! There just aren't any. People have been asking me, how's the job hunt? And I say, it's like a snipe hunt! None exist on the North American Continent. Then people say I Haven't Used that Word in 35 Years and I say You Now have an Opportunity to Use This Sadly Underutilised Word.

Mens. Dey beez lak da rainbowz. Dey comes into yo life, no one knows where dey comes frum, and den dey brightens it up for a wile, and deys be all beaufur and den dey disappears an no one knows where dey goes to, but you happy dey wuz dere.

Yah, I went there. So I am really hoping that this is not going to be like that. Most guys do vanish. It's like some kind of magic act, "Watch me make this guy disappear!"

And no, I don't do anything weird. So there.

My concept of a pleasant date evening is, I cook food, then we have dinner and wine and some more wine and read poetry to each other and then have crazed sex poodle antics. Is that so bad?

We saw the Francis Ford Coppola version of "Dracula" which- that wasn't intended to be a comedy, was it?

First of all, it had Keanu Reeves trying to act, which is like looking at videos of babies sucking on lemons for the first time. Hi. Lar. I. Ous.

Then it had- Dracula was wearing a cape/train thing, that was at least 30 feet long. It looked ridiculous and inconvenient. Can you imagine trying to pounce on a victim with a 30 foot train? You'd constantly get caught in it.

Now this chap has many questions for me, some of which I feel like answering right away and some of which I do not.

"What did you do with 'Robin'?"

"Why do all the guys disappear?"

"What kind of dating experiences have you had?"

"What do you find physically attractive?"

"What parts of your body do you like the most?"

"What do you like to do for fun?"

He asks lots of questions, which is a Great Thing, because he is interested in me. This has been fairly rare.

I skirt some of the "Robin" involved details- do you know I've known him nearly 2 years? Time flies, doesn't it, and am rather left with, I went to Nashville, and I cooked.

This is largely true. Sometimes, we went to the bookstore. Sometimes, we went to Opry Mills. Once, he took me shopping, in an outdoor mall, in 15 degree weather, to which I loudly objected.

I don't know why all the guys disappear, or where I go on dates. Actually, I don't go anywhere usually, I stay at home and then they come over, or I go there, sometimes, and that's pretty much it. Perhaps they disappear because they are treating me like a whore, because I am acting like one. That has been posited by a number of people. What with being unemployed and such, it is difficult to go on "dates" where you spend "money" and such. Also, I am a little agoraphobic. Why leave the house when everything you need is at hand? And if it isn't, it should be.

I have had disappointing dating experiences. I do not mean to sound shallow because people have plenty of inner beauty and all but I do not want to dig through layers of fugly to get to it. I don't dislike someone because they're fugly, I just don't want to date them. K? Then the ones I like, vanish.

Then there's "Robin" who is neither fugly nor has vanished but lives in Memphis and - that may, and probably has, gone as far as it's going to go.

I find it easier to define physical attraction in terms of NOT. Not hairy, not fat, not pasty, you know, nice build, soft smooth skin, handsome, etc . . .

I like all the parts of my body, thank you very much, and don't plan on giving them up any time soon. I also find this an odd question, I do not want to play favourites with my body parts, and also, what if, for example, I didn't particularly like my, say, elbows? What would I do about it? I'm not going to pull-a-part for people to exchange. I would not, personally, mind exchanging my body for that of, say, Vin Diesel or Mark Wahlberg but that is not a choice.

For fun, I tend to take apart the car, and sometimes I can put it back together, and I like to plant heads and things in the yard, and I like to can things and make beer, and drive around real fast with the tops off the car and wave at people. Please note: this last activity involves leaving the house. I also like to go to Pull-A-Part.

I am trying to remember what I did at one point when I had a life, before I started teaching and had the rental house and all of that that involved 80 hours of work a week and no $.

I would theoretically go to plays, we used to do that.

I like the Opera.

I like to (theoretically) play tennis, having done it probably twice in the last 10 years.

I like to go to state parks (I don't like to go downtown/midtown or anywhere there are homeless people and inconvenient parking).

I like to go to Stone Mountain at night.

I like to go thrifting.

I like to eat in restaurants but not the MTM kind of restaurant; I do not like trendy food. I like large portions of well prepared tasty food. Grandma food, from a variety of ethnicities.

I do not see movies in the cinema. They are too expensive and awful. Like, "Avatar," which had blue people in it and was some kind of fantasy.

Some time ago, I was accused of not being able to appreciate fantasy, largely because the films I reserve my highest appreciation for involve Joan Crawford arguing with someone, then slapping them into next week.

I do appreciate fantasy! This is not true. I lead a rich and interesting life of the imagination. Some of which, I am willing to share here, and some of which I am not, and you had best be glad about THAT. But my fantasies tend to involve- at least the repeatable ones- arguing with someone, and then slapping them into next week. So blue people or whatever has no relevance to me. My brain refuses to process it.

I don't go to bars- very, very rarely, because- first of all, you can't smoke in bars in most places anymore so what fun is that. Then, you're going to spend your evening talking with the same people you would have talked to anyway had you stayed home and spent $1 a beer instead of $6 a beer. And you can play your own music at home also, and then you don't have to worry about driving.

On the other hand, home involves a slightly higher degree of risk that RHS will take off her clothes and make you see her private parts, which- I have seen more of that girl's vajayjay than I EVER have needed to. Which was exactly none.

I don't like shopping much, and I did not know this as much as I do now until I met "Robin."

I don't want to have brunch in Piedmont Park post clubbing with a bunch of queens.

I am sure as the situation develops I will have more to tell y'all. MMM! It has been a whole lot of hotness!

The F-Word

2010-06-21T15:23:00.003-04:00

Recently, I have been noticing that the f-word seems to be popping up a lot, particularly in reference to Sarah Palin.

No, not THAT f-word, I mean the f-word, feminist, as in, is she or isn't she?

So my question is, exactly how are these people defining "feminist?" My understanding of "feminist" was the kind of woman who refused to be behind a great man but wanted to be great herself. But the modern definition of feminist seems to revolve entirely around women who are angry at men and have some kind of chip on their shoulder and also must believe in abortion.

I don't agree with this. Why wouldn't Palin be a feminist? Do you have to go rail against the patriarchy to be a positive role model? She became governor of Alaska and then managed to make it from being a failed vice presidential candidate to a major media phenomenon, and how many other failed vice presidential candidates have gone on to do anything?

She may not be smart in the Constitutional law professor, Hillary Clinton, Condi Rice I-read-lots-of-books-and-am-familiar-with-theories, but on second thought, what good are all these theories anyway? Theories have been the cause of most of the distress of human kind. You have to be able to practice it. And whatever anyone says, the woman is very shrewd, to be able to go from failed vice presidential candidate to a major media figure.

I am somewhat tempted to ask the lady lawyers about this but have decided not to so as not to offend anyone. See, Alex, I am capable of not offending people. Just not you.

What else have I been doing? I didn't get that job i was hoping for, which- that was really disappointing. I really did like the job, and it has taken me MONTHS to get that far. I just want to be EMPLOYED already.

I had to buy a new laptop after the previous one started acting up: there is something loose inside it, and when it is on a perfectly flat level surface it is fine. Then if you take it off that surface, it freezes up and stops working. So I took the laptop to the repair place and they said that the motherboard was going out and it wasn't worth replacing. Also the desktop has gone down for some reason. It got Fed-exed to Robin, and I am not entirely sure what he is doing with it.

And Anthony cleaned up my whole yard and then got arrested for texting Ruth he was sorry.

O, and I went blackberry picking with Amber and Alex and Jen on Saturday.

I enjoyed this!

Then we had a variety of car drama last week: Dad's low coolant light came on, he had to take it in, get the water pump replaced, the Cadillac had to have its water pump replaced, then the lower radiator hose- I had them replace it, and then I was driving to visit a Friend and it came off, and the car started stalling and then issued billows of steam.

So I spent part of Saturday night and a good bit of Sunday tugging on two long, black, hard hoses which spewed.

I made sure I texted Alex this. Alex has thus far not responded, so I am thinking he needs to hear more details about this, and I am also thinking he needs to experience it in interpretive dance. The first interpretive dance will be "Le Tuyau de Radiateur Mal Installe Par Rick."

Despite the fact that I dance like a refrigerator.

Well. So this chap is, believe it or not, actually responding to my texts and claims to be hugely into me. And he is hot, and not creepy looking, and has a car, crib, and career, so I am like,

"Are you a unicorn?" Seriously, because, it should not be all that hard to meet someone decent, but it is, or you meet someone decent, and then they don't call you back, etc. . . and this chap thinks I am fascinating and intellectually challenging and I can have great conversations with him (much of which consist of compliments to me, so do I mind this? No I do not.) OMG, and he knows who Tennyson was, and my ardor was only slightly dampened by discovering Alex knows who Tennyson was also.

But yes. He is a unicorn. He has one horn, and I am magically able to make it grow.

My main concern right now is that it is like the size of a red bull can. I could barely get any of it into my mouth. It was like, normally, they're like a Geo Metro, but this was the Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham. It was the Sam's Club Giant Economy Size. I do not know in the least how I am going to get it in there. This did not, of course, stop us/me from inventing new and sexy ways to have fun, which I will have to describe and demonstrate for Alex in great detail. So yes, he is coming for dinner this evening and I will prepare, after asking him what he eats/doesn't eat- Freddy is a picky eater! Did you know this? He won't eat capers or olives! - smoked salmon with cream cheese and cucumber on ryvita, salad, potato salad and sausage, and then Clafoutis with blackberries for dessert.

Like that's worked before. But I keep trying. Could it really be that this one will be different?

I will try! I am feeling somewhat insecure about this so I am not going to write all of the things I would like to. Also, gushiness is not really one of Cruella's prime traits.

Making me reconsider riding MARTA - - -

2010-06-13T15:10:00.001-04:00

Apparently, MARTA offers hitherto unexamined quantities of entertainment.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2E6-9U0Bd3w&feature=youtube_gdata

Confessionals

2010-06-12T23:17:00.003-04:00

First of all, and let's get the minor things out of the way, I learnt a new word this week which was highly applicable to a situation I was in earlier in the week, "butterface," as in, "She was great all the way through, but her face."

I would rather think "buthisface" doesn't work. Anyhow, the how, and the what, and the where, and the when, and probably the why were fantastic. But the who - - - well, you get above the neck, and it's like, what the hell happened? Ima ask him to wear one of those leather hoods and claim it turns me on.

And Alex's girlfriend's car got stolen, and then my Dad's car had to have the thermostat replaced, so I am not the only person dealing with Inanimate objects breaking. That's not particularly confessional, but I just wanted to note that. Else I shan't remember.

So my real confessional was that - - - I read Erma Bombeck. And love her.

I know! I am a single (dammit, too single) gay guy! I have no children (but I would love to) and that may drive some of the passion. . . and it's like collecting macrame owls and shag carpeting and avocado appliances. . .

Well, I know that she's an odd cultural artifact, disdained today, like jello molds and the aforementioned macrame owls, but she continues in the tradition invented by Betty MacDonald in "The Egg and I" and Shirley Jackson, most sharply in "Life Among The Savages" and less sharply in "Raising Demons," and then by Jean Kerr, in the concept of domestic satire and in evincing memories of a bygone age in which those of us who are Gen Xers were born. Mrs. Bombeck is seen today in the likes of Dave Barry and P.J. O'Rourke, who take ordinary situations and through degrees of hyperbole and satire, transcend the ordinary. But the days of housewifery and stable marriages have passed. The days of the No-Draft window in the car have now gone, leading to a comfortable nostalgia for those of us who remember them from our childhooods.

She's a fairly sharp satirist and some of the satire is yet current, and some of it is, reference the No-Draft window, a note has been forgotten to be left for the milkman and so he leaves fourteen half gallons of milk in the garage over a four day vacation, the girdle creeping up, the concept of separate sexes in dorms, the vacuum/magazine seller, trading stamps glued to books and collected are gone and therefore nostalgic to those of us who distantly remember such things.

Nostalgia: Women who take "word-a-day" improvement courses in which they are instructed to learn a word-a-day, such as "tsetse fly" and work it into everyday conversation; a woman who was suggested by a British obstetrician to become pregnant to improve her golf game and did, to amusing results; our author takes painting classes to be defeated by professionals, our author suffers through her husband's inept home improvemnt phrases, remarking, " my husband came home from the drugstore ecstatic with two cigar boxes under his arm. He rushed to the basement, nailed them together, painted them dark green, and called them 'shadow boxes.' Despite the fact they looked like two cigar boxes nailed together with 'King Edward' bleeding through, I avowed they belonged in the Metropolitan."

In a chapter on home improvement difficulties, Mrs. Bombeck describes her frustration as she is regarded as a capapble woman.

"How masterful," she said, dabbing her forehead with a lace handkerchief
"Not so masterful," I said. "From that day foreward i was awarded custody of the mower. I also had ot repair spoutings, clean out the dryer vent, repair the clothesline, build the rock garden, drain and store the antifreeze, and wash the car."
"My goodness," she whispered, "I'm so addle-brained about cars I scarcely know how to turn on those little globes in the front . . . . the . . . "

Mrs. Bombeck, of course, responds in form, with dry comments.

Erma Bombeck was smarter than she casually appeared in writing. Once she complained dryly to a writer asking about women's liberation, "We were the women who forgot to burn our bras." She was remarking on the fact that although she- and thousands of women like her- had not taken a vocal part in the women's liberation movement, at the same time, they were not unthinking, and not to be taken necessarily part of Nixon's "silent majority."

It's unfair to underestimate her; although she never wrote polemics on the level of Germaine Greer or Simone de Beauvoir, her writing yet contains a sharpness and an understanding of commercial adaptability. She was a woman with a career, although the career was divided between maintining her household and the career she chose, through sheer marketability, this indicates a shrewdness, an understanding of what her values were (family, foremost) and what it would take to sustain that, and what the market would accept from her.

The writing has been underestimated as a classic of American Literature; like Mark Twain, her writing characterised a time and a class, and it characterised a sense of satire. Although her writing was never as politically important as Mark Twain's, there is a strong value in her writing, to understanding the American culture at a certain point in time, as was Mark Twain's.

I PASSED THE BAR! ! !

2010-05-31T21:46:00.002-04:00

So that was some serious awesomeness right there. Thank you God for making it possible and thank you to everyone around me who put up with this crap through this long! It has not been fun for most of the people around me, because I complained more than ever, but I had a lot to complain about.

Yes. I cried a little. It was that kind of crazy emotional moment, because, I had spent like weeks and weeks, and weeks, going through that Hell, and yes, I do believe taking both the Kaplan class and Bar/Bri made the difference.

Like I would have sat down and read about commercial paper on my own. I didn't do every single question in the books, nor did I do the majority of the questions, and I didn't spend a huge amount of time on the essays.

Lest you say, hey, Cruella slacked! Therefore I can too! But I did not, in fact, slack. I did spend a lot of time with the multiple choice questions, I did spend some time- 2-3 days with the essays, and did the sample Bar/Bri essay and sent it in and so forth.

Mainly, I made flash cards. Meaning that, for the main points of law, especially the ones that I missed from the multiple choice questions, I looked up the explanations and then wrote out a card for the point of law. It looks like this:

It has the broad subject material on the left, so this one says, Contracts on the left vertically, across the top, it has the narrow subject material, in this case, Statute of frauds- Land. Then on the front, in one colour ink, (brown) it has the point of law written in sentences with blanks, so it says, Contract for sale of land must be ________________ and ______________ by the party to be ________________.
Exception is doctrine of _______________ performance.
1) ____________ payment accepted by seller or 2) _______________ in possession of the land and has made ____________ payment 3)________________ is in _________________ of land and has made _____________ _____________ thereon.

Then on the back, it has all that written in orange, and the blanks filled in in red, so I will do this with italics here.

Contract for sale of land must be in writing and signed by the party to be charged .
Exception is doctrine of part performance.
1) full payment accepted by seller or 2) buyer in possession of the land and has made partial payment 3) buyer is in possession of land and has made valuable improvements thereon.

OMG! I can't believe I knew all that stuff at one time! Insane!

I made hundreds and hundreds of these things, largely because my eyes glaze over when I try to read outlines. I don't think I have any helpful tips to offer anyone about bar study, but that did seem to work for me.

So then Trey came down to celebrate with me- (yes, shut up.) And then was fine for a couple of days- we really had a good time, and then threw an ENORMOUS conniption very early in the morning, like before 5 on the day of his scheduled return and told me he had stolen my money and my car and gone to Eastside lounge and wanted to go home RIGHT THEN. Which - I was still asleep, and not in any shape to drive anyone, so that did not happen, and he stormed off and then apparently took the shuttle back, leaving his keys in the minivan. Then he is mad at me for not driving them back there.

Well that is his fault. As it turned out, he hadn't taken the car, or my wallet- there was a huge drama about that, but he didn't have to throw a huge conniption and I would have gladly taken him home at a reasonable time in the morning, with keys, and it is not my fault the post office is closed or I would have mailed them, and ya done missed the boat on getting me to drive to Chattanooga, so too bad for you.

Yah, ok, I should just stop but.

Anyway, the fire department came to our Memorial Day cookout, so my predictions of "this is going to be the same thing that we have had for the last 15-odd years" were not entirely true.

Actually, the last time we had a fire at a barbecue was ?1991? when my Dad purchased a propane grill from a ?yard sale? and then we didn't know you had to clean some tubes inside or spiders would nest in there and the thing would blow up. His neighbour who built race cars came and put it out. There was a tremendous amount of flames.

This time, he had spilt something in the oven and the smoke detector called the fire department. I was impressed, particularly by one of the Firefighters. RHS liked him too. I shoulda told him that he needed a will (because of the provision I learnt about where they get a whole bunch of money if something happens in the line of duty under Georgia law) but I didn't have any cards. She was not happy that he was talking to me.

But it wasn't a real fire. O and people I am not supposed to mention in my blog? So we got into a debate, because she was in an argumentative mood, and I am- naturally argumentative- about how first- while the Cadillac, Moby Dick, was taking its lengthy visit with the Grouchy African- Can you adversely possess a car, by the way? Probably. I think it got a mousie in it which had shredded a plastic bag under the seat. Now, yes, I should take it to the swiffy and vacuum it and all but the Swiffy never takes either my card nor my cash, so I have given up on the Swiffy. And then, for some part of this week we also had - ugh. Disassembled the steering column to put a new ignition lock on it because I am putting one of those collars on it to keep it from getting stolen- and the lock that was in it was 19 years old and the car has 254?000 miles? A lot? The speedometer is wildly optimistic, a consequence, I believe, of the previous owner putting enormous wheels on it. So I thought, once the collar goes on, nothing is going to be replaceable inside the column so I went to Autozone and then borrowed all the necessary tools and we got the lock out/off fine.

We couldn't get it back on, and if you want the lengthy explanation, I can give it to you, but we couldn't get the lockplate to go back. Not even after Anthony and I kicked each other, hard. Then I fetched a guy from Autozone and he battled with it for a while, and he couldn't get it back. Then I called AAA and had to explain to the skeptical AAA operator why it needed to be towed.

"It needs to be towed," I said.

"Why, what's wrong with it?" asked the operator.

(embarassed- and also, I was concerned that AAA would decide that the car hadn't broken down, I had taken it apart, and then they might deny me my tow.) "well, the steering wheel is off."

"It came off?" Asked the operator.

"Well, - - Yes!" I decide. It is better than the full explanation, as you can see.

Rick is bemused by the Cadillac returning so soon. It recently got its air conditioner redone. Again.

I rather think he does not appreciate having to reassemble it. I personally do not care what he thinks, what with this many aging cars in my family and self-botched repairs, Rick is probably saving money to buy the pimpiest pimping gear you ever saw.

I bet he'll get a fur coat before I do.

So at any rate, the Cadillac has a few little shreds of plastic bag on the floor, and this person was Very Concerned. She had a dish, wrapped in a plastic bag, (is there a theme here? If a plastic bag had caught fire in the oven, probably) and was Very Concerned that shreds of plastic bag would somehow permeate the bag, into the dish, and we would all choke and die.

"A lot of people," she asserted, "choke on shreds of plastic bag just like that and die every year."

Seriously.

I tried to present how this scenario would work, but she was not having it. She wanted to put Newspaper on the floor of the car.

Now that is her solution to everything, and frankly, I think it is disgusting beyond anything to see filthy newspapers all over everything.

I was not having it, so that was controversial.

Then there was the Matter of the Corn. Of course, modern types no longer boil a large variety of vegetables, we roast them. But she was converted.

Also I went hiking with Amber, and Alex, and Amy, and her boyfriend Joey, and Joe! Much fun was had, and we saw a toad, and a few flowers!

You Are "Endearing!"

2010-05-20T19:13:00.002-04:00

Said the lady who I am currently doing an internship in Wills and Trusts for.

This was the result of an exchange in which she commented that the low income housing near where she lives is being turned down and she was concerned about where they were going to go.

"Snellville," I said, "My friend lives out there and it is getting really bad!"

She then told me I was endearing.

Well Hell Yes, is what I say to that, as long as by "endearing" she means "cute and a little quirky" sort of like, Parker Posey? Maybe? I'm saying, that's a good thing to be, because although unprompted I don't think anyone would come up with "endearing" as a top quality they want to have in a coworker/subordinate, if given a list of things, then I think they would put that at the top.
Or close to it, as opposed to, say, "aggressive asshole," "anal-retentive shrew," "intimidatingly brilliant," "passive aggressive whiner," "control freak," "dithery idiot," (oo, I really hate the last one), you know the people you hate working with.

And I'm nice to look at, and smell good, and have a chirpy personality and am full of Good Cheer.

She remarked upon this also.

"You seem like," she said, "if someone traveled with you, you would find the good in every situation."

This is true, and that is because, after one teaches at McNair, nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of your life.

So I am thinking, sooner or later, I HAVE to get a job out of this. I keep plugging away, and this morning someone told me that job is out there looking for me.

Well, she was running for office, but so why can't it find me already? Like I go anywhere, except for Autozone and Wal-Mart. Which- the other day, everyone-EVERYONE in the Autozone recognised me and the manager gave me a 10% discount.

I was thrilled, I would much rather be recognised by the manager of the autozone than the Detox supply store or- I dunno that it would be THAT bad to be recognised by the manager of the sex toy store, because that could mean that I am having lots and lots of interesting sex. By the way, which I am Not, because as previously mentioned, Men Are Stupid.

It would help had I met some but I haven't anyway so. Despite going to the Autozone a lot. Perhaps I should frequent a gay Autozone, if there is such a thing. And I don't go out to bars because that always seems to end in disaster.

I'm getting kinda ok with that. I am not happy, but I'm also not being desperate enough to make bad choices like chase after someone who doesn't care or just be with anyone to be with someone. So, if that has passed me by, I am not going to be happy about it, but I'm going to make the best of it.

Speaking of people who are NOT making the best of it, so A Certain Person rings me and is all whiny about how people are treating her badly, and yelling at her and such.

I am of two minds about this, which I try to meld. This is complicated, because I am trying to be Sympathetic yet Firm, because- Hi! People are being mean to you because you are being an Ass!

As in, how about you moved back in with your parents in your Thirties, aren't looking for a job, aren't helping out at home, and are being an alcoholic slut all over town and then getting into trouble, where your mom had to hire a lawyer to the tune of -many thousands of dollars, and then you aren't doing what the lawyer told you to do to get this off your record, so, yah, of course people aren't happy with you.

So I told her she needed to take some ownership, and she got mad, and I told her a good friend is there to help you walk tall.

Now this same girl- came over a couple of ? months ago? and brought some friend she met at a party, then we - you know- then she - after two days- claimed she had "fallen in love" and "mixed babies were so cute". (!) Really (!) Then in another two days she wasn't returning his phone calls, although he called her like 13 times in a row, because "he was too immature."

A) WTF?
B)WTF?
C)WTF?
Etc., etc.

Ima say, at least could you get to know someone, for more than a day, while you were moderately sober, before you make the conclusion to fall in love? And you're about as well equipped to take care of the baby as- Lindsey Lohan? or some other tramp. That baby gonna come out with three eyes from you drink so much. And you're living in your parents' house, no income, not looking for a job, and you want a baby from a man you don't know. Ok then.

So fine, don't have a baby, get married, you could get to know him, date, etc, and you have NO grounds to criticise someone because "he's too immature" for smoking weed every day when you are beet-red-drunk every day. You aren't any better.

And - return calls, people, it's just rude. If you can't be decently honest enough to say, "I think you are very nice but I just didn't feel the sparks," you can totally make up an excuse like, "My Sister's Cat is getting Married and I have to be Best Man/Bridesmaid at the Wedding."
Now I have been telling the guys who- yah, I am not that desperate dude- you are fugly and in your forties delivering pizzas- which, if you were off the charts in a good way on one or the other characteristics, like, you were a little fugly, but stupendously successful, or super hot, but a forty year old pizza delivery boy, that could work, but the combination, plus an asshole personality? No, I done told you! My boyfriend moved down here from Nashville. So stop.

But I told her, tell him you're trying to get your life together and you aren't really in the right place in your life for a relationship, that's a good way to solve that problem, right?

Not according to her. She's choosing the really mature (sarcasm here) means of - ignore him a good deal of the time.

Now I am not some shining example of how to live one's life and I make mistakes (lots of them) and bad choices and etc but I do try to stop and pick myself back up and work towards a goal in the future instead of just denying reality. I'm wondering if this alcoholism comes from being so self-centred that you deny reality and then get into these kinds of fixes. And the job thing, I told her, why don't you be an executive assistant? You're smart, and pretty, and - yah, that characteristic- and capable.

No, she says, I don't want to take orders from people.

Well then. You don't want a job, you won't treat anyone around you decently, it's me me me all the time, and I don't know what she lives off of, I imagine her parents, so- it's not going to get any better, unless you work towards it.

Damn all these people who are "waiting on their ship to come in." It AIN'T COMIN' IN! YOU GOTTA GET OUT THERE AND BUILD THE DAMN THING!

Cruella Suffered an Attack of the Gout

2010-05-08T15:19:00.007-04:00

Y'all look at the awesome cake I made for Alex! Isn't that - filthy? He was fairly emotionally distressed by this.

First of all, I was MAJORLY disappointed in the below link. I thought it would be much more interesting. Well, I think it would behttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif more impressive in person.

Also, I feel a little sad when I look at that, because I am like the world's stupidest looking dancer. There are photographs, even more damningly, on Facebook. White folks' bodies just do not do that.

O and y'all, I suffered from an Attack of the Gout, which - shut up, it wasn't funny, your big toes swell up and you can't walk. This was because of an unfortunate combination of Allergies, Alcohol, Aspirin, and Atkins.

First of all, I had/have whatever nastiness is going around now, be it a cold or allergies, I feel rotten. I had had salami and cream cheese for lunch, and then I still felt rotten, so I took my whole handful of pills and then drank some rum.

The next morning, my big toes were hugely swollen! This was TERRIBLE! Shut up, it's not funny. Really. Then I figured out that Salami has a large concentration of purines or whatever and then- that, plus alcohol, plus aspirin, = gout. Ow. And I had to hobble around like a gimp.

And more guy stupidity. So It was Amber's birthday, and my friend met us, and then he got something to eat (Taco Mac was apparently insufficient) and then he came over and I read a little more and finished my beer and went to bed.

Now Friend was in town for a funeral, so the next day he was to attend the funeral, and I was to go to work and then we were supposed to meet afterwards.

Never heard back from him. And this was a dude who made Sandi and Daniel a baby blanket for Isabella and fed-exed it to me. I didn't even have the time or opportunity to offend him.

Yes, I do realise he had other engagements but - you can't take 5 seconds to text and say, sorry, can't make it? or what?

Stupid boys.

Much to my astonishment, Amber LIKED her birthday present, even after repeated assurances by me that she didn't have to, and she didn't have to keep it.

Cruella, what did you do to Amber for her birthday?

It wasn't my doing! It was Girth-I-Tude's!

Your mink?

Yes, she did it. She also made Alex the naked lady cake.

Omg . . . what did Girth-I-Tude do?

She made Amber a piece of "conceptual art" with a mannequin head, feathers, and an empty bottle of gin.

Um. She LIKED this?

As far as I could tell! And we went to something called "FarmBurger" in Decatur which was really good, and not hugely expensive for Decatur. Here it is, so you can see a picture of it. I have been planting them in the yard, too. I have been using bottles of different heights; the intention is that they will appear to be rising out of the ground as they get closer to the street.

huh. That should help the lady across the street sell her house, and - aren't you slightly concerned that you are NEVER going to meet someone this way? It's kinda- you have a dead animal that you named and wear, and then mannequin heads coming out of the ground, now- that's just a little off putting there.

I kinda do not care. Maybe if I tried acting normal, that would work, but how long would that actually pan out?

Well, I have been planting a garden, although no rain= no plants growing, and then "Robin" came to visit for two and a half weeks, he couldn't go home because of the flooding in Nashville-

But he doesn't live in Nashville anymore?

No, he doesn't, he lives in Memphis, but he wanted to go home through Nashville.

O and let me also say, he was going on and on about being in "cheap" mode, and then he spent $180 for a pair of bicycle shorts.

Also, we went shopping, but not too much. He wanted the bicycle shorts, and then I looked around at all the bicycle stuff. They have some kind of gel and I was confused about whether you were supposed to eat it, as it was orange flavoured, or smear it on yourself, but it turned out you are supposed to eat it.

I clearly am not interested in doing anything that could involve eating gel. Yuck. Unless they are like, body shots, but that's different.

And I did finally get the Cadillac back from the Grouchy African, and it looks a right mess, because the paint doesn't match and the bumper isn't straight and he painted over the repeaters and the plastic trim bits on the bumper are primer gray and not silver-

But I have it back. Technically, since it is now visiting with Rick to get the A/C fixed- again-since all the refrigerant leaked out.

And then the last time I visited Rick, I think he was getting paid in, ah, "services" as in I went to go look for him, and he was aroudn the corner with a youngish- scantily dressed bewigged lady adjusting his fly.

Huh, I am thinking, I wonder would that work for me?

Posting Again

2010-04-20T21:43:00.003-04:00

So Yah! I took the bar, and survived it, although, did I pass?

Who knows. I'll find out 28th May.

As of yet, I still do not have a job, because of the Obamalypse, there aren't any. I've been trying, and I go on interviews every so often, and then everyone asks me how I did.

I did fine, I suppose, and then I never hear anything back despite sending them nice notes and all. I did mess up one by calling one chap Steve instead of Scott but what can you do.

Anyway other things I have been doing are:

I helped "Robin" move from Charlotte to Nashville to Memphis, as previously detailed;

I literally coordinated all the hell out of Anthony's getting his things out of Ruth's house, which- for some reason this astonished Freddy. I think he thinks I have absolutely no idea how to do anything at all. I know he never believes me when I tell him some law-related fact; so he doesn't seem to think I'm book-smart; and generally, people like this think that if you're book smart, you wouldn't have common sense, but he doesn't seem to think that either, so I don't know what he thinks. But I enjoyed myself immensely because I got PAID to be bossy and interfering. It was awesome! We got some Guatemalans- (I asked them what part of Mexico were they from and they said Guatemala, and then they criticised my Spanish . . . ) and I got to play like Glinda the Good Witch. You wave your hand, and point, and people do things for you! I would highly recommend this. You feel all omnipotent, like Ernestine the Telephone Lady.

Then another Good Thing I did was- I recharged the Air conditioner in Dad's car, and then he was complaining because his window wasn't working, so first he complained he "didn't have time" to do this. I didn't want to try to fool with it later in the week because I planned on - having a visit from A Friend Whom We Will Talk More About Later. Well, I didn't plan on it, but I was considering the possibility. So the dealer wanted ! $193.00 for the switch, and Autozone wanted $155, and we woulda had to order it, so I made him go to Pull-A-Part with me and we got the part for $8 plus an extra plus a couple of other knobs and that fixed it, so yay for me, because I can do many things!

And I am considering planting a garden. I have all my seeds started, but I am thinking, would I be better off just moving some of them to larger containers on the back porch if it doesn't rain? Because then, I could just have the whole garden there, and protect them from bugs/squirrels and such, whereas if they are outside, then the bugs/squirrels/drought might get the vegetables? I dunno.

It's Picture-riffic! Plus, Alex is Tormented.

2010-03-25T17:26:00.006-04:00

And look at my Birthday! No, better yet, look at Alex, who for some reason looks like he is about to Account For Satan. (Account for Satan, would that be a good name for a heavy metal band?) And he looks like that in the other pictures too.

Look! That's the heart shaped bone I found in my Pozole at Christmas, giving me Hope, (the good kind, not the Barack Obama kind) for this year. Maybe I will find love!

No, Cruella, you are more likely to find whatever is more debased than "cheap, meaningless sex."

Shut up. At least I try.

Y'all know how I couldn't think of anything cruel to do to Alex for a while?

Yes.

So I am over my dry phase. I am back to Cruella! I am bizzy plotting things to do to him for his birthday.

Like?

Well, if I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise. I ahve to post the picture of the cake, but I made him a naked-lady cake with a jam vajayjay- - -

Jam - - -

Yes! He was deeply emotionally distressed. Everyone else thought it was hysterical.

I was going to get all into the falling-out with Freddy and Naomi thing but I don't feel like it today. I find them guilty of first degree stupidity.

Then Lady Thatcher was in a car show.

That was fun.

Helping "Robin" Move

2010-03-10T14:47:00.003-05:00

I keep laying these paving stones, as in good intentions, don't I?

Now see, "Robin" is going to read this, and then complain that I have posted a whole bunch of lies about him.

That is not true. I am not posting lies about anyone, that is just my interpretation of the facts. His interpretation is wrong. Besides, he has his own blog and can write on it if he wants to.

Well, he came to visit after I took the bar and does not really appreciate how traumatic this was for me. Some long time later, I am still having nightmares about the bar. I really hope I pass it and never have to do it again.

People have not been sufficiently sympathetic about this. "You wanted to be a lawyer," says one particularly imbecilic friend.

"Well, you wanted to be a fuckwit," I say, "And I congratulate you on reaching that goal with stupendous success."

Anyway, Alex is taking the CPA exam sometime soon, and at least I can say that accounting is undeniably more awful than law. At least law generally involves criminals and some degree of excitement. Degrees of murder v. depreciation rules for certain assets? Which is more exciting? Not to mention, you can't win at accounting.

Yes, I do already have a Plan to Intentionally Inflict Emotional Distress on him.

I wish I had something interesting to post about "Robin's" visit, but I really don't, he was nice, and everything, and I don't remember what we did but I did get a call for an interview and he went on an interview and he didn't make me go shopping beyond my tolerance and no conniptions were thrown by either party.
We did go to the Atlanta History Centre and to the Centennial Olympic Park, and I also drove to Monroe, Ga to get a part for the Cadillac.
I also looked at a house which, um, needed some repairs, and I just love it and hope I can get a job and move there.
I did volunteer to help him move. Now some of y'all know that "Robin" does not drink, and this would be a good thing, because then I could fulfill the crucial beer/wine consumption role in moving all by myself, right? And drink proportionately more. But he won't let me drink. Actually, he won't let another person around him drink, so there.

Anyway, if someone helped me move, I would be inordinately grateful. It is not as though people are exactly dropping from the trees to help him move.

No, he is not, and complained about having to pay for my meals while I am helping him. "You would have had to eat at home anyway," he claims.

Bosh to that argument, I say, I would have eaten food I already had, and not had to purchase any.

This is true. He also objected to my "experimenting" on him with some- antique taco shells and some vintage corn muffins and tinned biscuits. Well, they didn't smell bad, but they certainly did taste awful!

Well, I ate (or tried) to eat them too, so I wasn't "experimenting" on him.

Anyway, the move turned out well. I got to be bossy and interfering, and save money, like - "Robin" was very insistent on throwing some old mattresses away, and I said i would sell them on Craigslist, so I got $25 for some mattresses he wanted to throw away, $10 for an office chair, $10 for a lamp, and then I sold a refrigerator too.

I think that would be a good way to get revenge on someone. You could go and sell all their things on Craigslist while they were away. It's FUN to sell someone else's things!

I would be able to tell you was that false pretenses or what, but I have tried my best to forget the Bar.

Ooo! Ooo! And I got to see GRACELAND. "Robin" said I could only go if I never tell anyone he accompanied me, so, I haven't yet. It was awesome! He had no idea why I wanted to go, but I feel like, Elvis is an American monument! You HAVE to go see Elvis!

"Robin" noisily objected. He - I forgot why he didn't want to go, but I just asked him, since he is visiting with me again, and he said something about he didn't want to go see someone dead.

Well. I guess that's a reason. Graceland was surprisingly small- the parts we can see are smaller than my Dad's house. And the tackiness- I think it's been exaggerated to an extent. Alex inexplicably has a chocolate brown toilet sitting in his carport- and why would anyone think this would be a good idea? The furthest I am willing to go in Adventurous colours in Bath Fixtures might be almond. I can't imagine that someone thought this looked good. So I will excuse Elvis' taste, and it was the '70's. Some of the ideas, like mirrored walls and ceiling for a basement staircase, struck me as a pretty good way to make the space look larger. I really enjoyed Graceland and would thoroughly recommend it. I forgot to note that although there were no black people visiting, behind us in queue there was a rather ORANGE lady.

I'll never understand the school of thought that seems to think "Tiger Lily" is an appropriate complexion. You don't look tan, you look like an oompa-loompa.

"Robin" does not like it when I make fun of people, like (this time) when I pointed out the largish lady in the Nike store who was wearing an extremely green and shiny satin blouse. "If you can't lose it, decorate it," I whispered.

"You shouldn't be so mean," he says. "You're not nice."

Well, Duh. Like I ever claimed to be Nice. What fun would that be? And she shouldn't be so fat, is what I say. I bet someday there'll be a Christmas Carol where I am visited by the Ghost of Glandular Problems, the Ghost of Big Bones, and the Ghost of Cellulite Future.

But seriously, you would think that- they have all these diet books, right? I would think by the time I couldn't see my feet anymore, I would stop cramming my pie hole with - whatever it is fat people eat. I would just- stop, right?

Yah Cruella, like you are so good at stopping drinking when you have gotten halfway through the bottle of Crown.

Shut up.

Also, Alex has been loud in his denunciations of canning, claiming it's "like an old people hobby."

So? It's good, he ate a lot of the soup, and then Anthony's mother told me that a store called Big Bear supermarket had strawberries at 69 cents a pound so I bought 24 pounds and made jam and strawberries poached in wine.

See article below.

http://www.slate.com/id/2246148/

I wonder sometimes, shouldn't I be out having a good time or whatever? It's hard to meet nice mens when you are at home canning things.

Then I remember- that time I went out with Mechelle and Dana and Allison and then I hung out afterwards and got into it with that one dude's friends?

Yah, never mind. Anyway, you can't get into trouble being at home canning things. And this summer I am going to have a GARDEN, with tomatoes, and basil, and cucumbers, and squash, and beans, and dill and such and then I'm going to CAN everything, that'll show them. Hee!

O and then that was the night that- that one friend came over with her friend, and then we drank some, and then the following night Anthony came over and we had pizza and then- she gave the pizza guy a really nice tip?

Yes it was! I was pretty sure there was a level below "cheap, meaningless sex," and I don't know what to call it, but I know it when I see it! And I saw it! Among other less amusing things!

Preparing for Snow In Atlanta

2010-02-11T14:15:00.004-05:00

So Y'all, apparently it is going to snow tomorrow in Atlanta, and this sucks sucks sucks because I have class tomorrow, and Saturday, and Sunday- - -

And I really want to know, what is the whole deal with people running out to the grocery stores and clearing them of bread and milk when it snows? Is there some special thing people make with bread and milk when it snows that I don't know about? People who have eaten nothing but frozen pizzas and Slim Jims since leg warmers were fashionable are buying bread and milk.

Y'all this is Atlanta, and while I am thoroughly in favour of your asses staying the heck home when it snows, cos God knows Atlantans cannot drive in any kind of weather whatsoever, we are going to get like a quarter inch and if you try really hard you might scrape up enough to make a clay snowman and it is going to melt in about two hours. You are not going to be trapped in your house for a week.

Also, why don't the liquor stores get emptied out? If I thought i was going to be trapped in my house for a week, it would be much more reasonable to stock up on gin.

I've been waiting for Rush to blame Obama for the blizzards and then for Obama to turn around and blame the Bush administration.

Anyhow, it did snow, and a whole LOT of it, but I did not enjoy it. So I was checking on the weather Friday in class post lunch, and the minute I saw it was coming down, I fled.

My feeling about snow is: White flaky death! I cannot drive in it! Other people cannot drive in (actually, any kind of weather) Aaah aaah aaah!

The Kaplan lady was amazed at this. You're leaving because it's SNOWING? she asked.

Yes, I said. She clearly felt this was cowardly, but I am from Atlanta. I know better.

A large number of people showed up to class the next day, apparently, but I was not among them on account of, you know, white flaky DEATH aaah aaah aaah.

I came up with this analogy:

Snow, you are like Paris Hilton. You may be pretty, but you are also cold, white, useless, unnecessary, cause wrecks, and I don't want to stick my wang in either one of you.

"Robin" had a hard time not complimenting me on this. "I don't want to stroke your ego," he started with.

O really. He is not really aware of the whole bar-syndrome thing, where I have to learn all the priorities for Purchase Money Security interests, and what a holder in due course is and mortgage priorities, and so forth, and really? There's something wrong with this?

Rebecca suggested we make a snow whore. I think that is a great idea, if I could venture out from bar prep land.

I listened to Sarah Palin's tea party speech. How's that hopey-changey thing workin out for ya?

Now I have a question, did you ever notice that when the Democrats start getting scared of a Republican, they mock them as stupid?

I really do not know how smart Sarah Palin is, but if someone broadsided me with the kind of questions she got right out of the box, I wouldn't do well either. Hillary is better prepared, I will give her that, she's been preparing for this her entire life.

But in terms of savvy politicking, the woman's got it down, and is building a pretty impressive brand.

Anyway, I am still stuck in Bar Prep land, B-4 days and counting, and frankly there is no way I am going to be able to cram all this in my head at once.

I am vacillating between hope and despair, and have settled on some kind of acceptance. On the one hand, I have the little voice saying, 94% of ga staters pass on the first try! you'll be ok! no one can know ALL of what's on the bar! You dreaded the LSAT and did fine! There will be people in there who didn't take a class and spent a few weeks with someone else's books, etc! You took both classes! And then there's the other voice that says, yah but what about the 6% who don't pass, and the passage rates for February are lower, and you know you haven't studied as much as some of the other people, (or any of the other people) who have done 75 questions a day and 4 essays and you haven't-

Well, I think I'm going to manage this like - do you remember (no you don't) that CRX C/D built in the '80s which had one engine in front and one engine in the back? I am going to use my Positive attitude to pull me from the front and my, um, areas of opportunity to push me from behind, or vice versa, and keep plugging away.

In the end, I think I've found some kind of acceptance. I'm going to keep plugging away, and making cards, and doing a few questions, and on Tuesday and Wednesday, I'll know what I know, and of course I don't want to fail but if I do, it's not as though they're going to kill you for failing. I'll certainly be better prepared the next round.

"Robin" also pointed out that I had failed to note he had flowers sent to me for Valentine's Day. This is true. I am an unappreciative so and so, because I failed to note this and they are truly lovely flowers.
So I shall now publicly thank him.
Now he says he's in cheap mode, so I daresay that puts paid to the future of flowers and now I'll be getting sticks from the side of the road artistically arranged.

bar bar bar bar Bar bar prep
bar bar bar bar Bar bar prep

Bar bar prep, i'll wish for death
over Bar bar prep

You got me hatin' and a-waitin'
waitin' and a-stressin'
Bar bar prep ba ba
Ba Bar bar prep

Went to law school, 'cos it seemed cool
now graduated so bar prep is the rule
Bar bar prep Bar bar prep
one last step
You got me hatin' and a-waitin'
(Oh! Oh!)
stressin' and a-guessin'
Bar bar prep ba ba

Ba ba ba ba Bar bar prep
Ba ba ba ba Bar bar prep

Bar bar prep, wish for death
over bar bar prep
You got me stressin' and a-guessin'
hatin' and a-waitin'
Bar bar prep ba ba
Ba Bar bar prep

con law, contracts, holder in due course,
Civ pro, miki pao, I don't really know,

bar bar prep ba ba
ba bar bar prep,
bar bar prep.

Learnt the UCC
Learnt the RAP
Learnt the MBE
I only need two Seventy-ee
Bar bar prep
wish for death
Bar bar prep
one last step
You got me stressin' and a-waitin'
guessin' and a-hatin'
Bar bar prep ba ba
Ba Bar bar prep

Ba ba ba ba Bar bar prep
Ba ba ba ba Bar bar prep
Bar bar prep
one last step
Bar bar prep
You got me learnin' and a-burnin'
tossin' and a-turnin'
Bar bar prep ba ba
Ba Bar bar prep

Bar bar prep, Bar bar prep
Oh, Bar bar prep, Bar bar prep
Yeah, Bar bar prep, Bar bar prep
Bar bar prep, Bar bar prep
You got me learnin' and a-yearnin'
stressin' and a-burnin'
Bar bar prep ba ba
Ba Bar bar prep

(Let's never try that again. No more.)

You got me guessin' and a-stressin'
learnin' and a-burnin'
Bar bar prep ba ba
Ba Bar bar prep

(Ha ha. Let's never do this again.)

fourteenth amendment rights,
long sleepless nights,
due process, and I'll try to do my best,
Bar bar prep, ba ba, ba bar bar prep
ba bar prep.

Holder in due course, no use of deadly force,
Dormant commerce clause, can I take a little pause?
First Amendment speech, non material breach,
promissory estoppel, on test day rings a bell,
acceptance and 4th amendment rights

You got me stressin' and a-guessin'
strainin' my poor brainin'
Bar bar prep ba ba
Ba Bar bar prep

Flat Out of Perky

2010-02-07T12:24:00.002-05:00

Y'all I am flat out of Perky, all drained from Bar Prep, which has been going on Forever. It is like purgatory. It would be Hellish if it were taught by Hillary Clinton, speaking of whom, it has been frigid, blustery, gray, and damp. This weather brought to you by Hillary Clinton's c*nt.

Hee. Anyway yesterday, first we had a man who was bright orange, like George Hamilton, and I envisioned him going around on the beach asking students about the rules of evidence and the exceptions to the character evidence rule and then kicking sand in the faces of law students who answered correctly.

His orangeness was explained by some of the other students as "He's Hispanic."

No. Hispanics are brown, or yellowish brown, not orange. This dude was- it was not good, and then we had a chap with orange spectacles and an orange wig explain con law to us and I was so sorry.

Frankly at this point, I am very Over It. I'm rather thinking, 94% of Ga Staters pass on the first try or whatever and I've been going to class and I did some practice problems and such so I should pass and to hell with, like, studying hard. All I care about is PASSING. 271 baby! I do not need to get one single point over that. I do not care.

Then I am also low on perky because my new friend that I was writing about? Things were going well with him? Then he got a job in Jacksonville and moved. So I am very disappointed. I am trying to be Positive and say things like, well, at least you had fun, or God is just saving someone really special up for you!

God had better be saving Vin Diesel up for me. That's what I am thinking. And "Robin" is making noises about going back to Memphis instead and is not realistically coming to Atlanta so.

Now I have to try again, and then last night I went to a party and there was a lawyer there I recognised from the Ga State Alumni Happy Hour and I thought, this is MTM as a gay man. He seemed so stereotypically gay, and queeny and demanding and bitchy, there was just something about him that made me think, ew.

Cruella, what about your one friend that came to your birthday?

Well, I just don't think we are- do you remember how Daniel was trying to make fun of me for being the catcher? Yah. I will explain this further if you really want to know.

And speaking of MTM, I think our DD did me a favour because I have not heard from her sinc ethe party, and it was - I am lacking in the courage to tell someone, I am done with you, but DD certainly did.

Cruella, what is DD?

Designated Drunk.

O.

Anyhow, it was just time for that to end, I was getting jack squat out of it, really, and although she has many good qualities, it's just- when you don't ask someone how are you, how are things going, but just demand their presence, it's like, you're my dog and must come running when I call. No, I think people get over that.

Sir, Is Your Crotch Squirming, or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

2010-01-27T20:53:00.002-05:00

Y'all, this is totally why I went to law school. To defend this guy.

I am SO fascinated by this; actually, I am fascinated by anyone committing some weird crime with an animal, like the guy who was convicted of horse buggery- and apparently, after he buggered the horse, they lay down together.

But this guy! Aren't you wondering how they caught him? Wouldn't you love to be the person who said, sir, your crotch is squirming?

And - wouldn't the geckos/lizards be rather the worse for wear after traveling from Australia to Germany in someone's underwear?

How big did this pocket have to be to fit 44 geckos and lizards?

And can you imagine being the person in charge of counting the things? after retrieving them, and they would smell-

Vun Gecko! Two Geckos! Tree Geckos! ha ha ha!

And these geckos are $2,800 each? Really? That's more than all the furniture in my house is worth and probably more than all of my personal belongings. I didn't know geckos were such a lucrative business.

He "set about poaching the animals in a premeditated way which would have had an effect on the colonies." Like- what? Geckos/lizards have colonies? Is there a non-premeditated way to poach geckos and stuff them in your trousers?

He apparently may collect the things but seems to have been charged with the Australian equivalent of "Possession of Geckos with intent to distribute."

My Brain Feels Like it is Full of Angry Hornets

2010-01-21T15:25:00.004-05:00

Well, that is what Bar Prep feels like. The further along I go, the more I realise, I don't know anything, and the more I study, the further behind I feel. And then my brain hurts, unsurprisingly.

This has made me very Stressed.

One of the ways I know I am stressed, is that I turned down - not one, but TWO booty calls last week to - go to work.

Well, it was all like an LSAT emergency! And I got the LSAT signal where I was desperately needed, and I leapt into the Test-prep mobile and dashed off to save the day!

Yes, the LSAT-Mobile. The day was saved, in case you were wondering.

Ya, that's my brand of heroism there.

O and I totally forgot about this. Well, over Christmas, I was theoretically having a friend visiting from Mexico City, this chap I met in Rio but then he decamped for cleaner pastures (see the calembour? hee!) and then one day he wanted to go to Chattanooga and y'all know who lives in Chattanooga. So I thought I would hook him up with Trey.

Ma and Dad wanted to see Ruby Falls and the Aquarium. So we all went.

Trey decided to put in an appearance roaring drunk, in a Superman costume, in the middle of their very high class downtown.

I got kicked out of every bar I've been in, he said proudly, which did not impress anyone present. I was horrified and was very concerned that he was going to get arrested but he actually didn't. He was unimaginably obnoxious. We wanted very badly to pack him off and take him home but he refused and I refused to stand out and fight with him.

Well that is rather the nail in that coffin. I don't think Trey will ever change enough to be a responsible adult or a semi responsible adult, and I can't deal with it anymore so there. I vaguely had hopes occasionally- yes, despite all better judgment- that things would improve at some point- and it's not as though people are swarming up to ask for my hand, are they? And Trey had a lot of good qualities.

I just don't want to deal with all the baggage. But anyway it's not like any of the rest of us haven't acted up before while drunk. Speaking of which, two entirely sober girls nearly came to blows in bar prep today - - - and I ran outside and hid until it was over.

And things have been going along with New Friend. I like him. Wots and wots. Except yesterday we started talking about why I was still single. His theory is that my house is so badly kept that I drive men away.

Granted. I know I am not the best housekeeper in the world, but A) I have seen worse. B) I- you know something, when you walk into my house, you can immediately tell whose house it is. It is not one of these sterile Pottery-Barn furnished things. It has My Personality all over it. C) I am not- one of those midtown condo-living Beemer driving two dogs and hair gel in Piedmont park type guys. If that's what you're looking for, you're going to be disappointed anyway sooner or later. And I am not interested in dating anyone that shallow. I am not perfect, but I have many great qualities so there. And someday, I will have a bigger house I can keep cleaner, as in, I will have a house twice the size of the one I have now and actually live in the part the size of the one I have now and then have people visit in the rest of it. We will just have to cordon off the back. Also he is not All That to be Freaked out by this.

So this irked me for a while. But to an extent he is telling the truth, but also I am thinking, remember what I was thinking at the beginning of the year?

(no, we read your blog, not your mind.)

There's such a thing as compromise and then there's desperation. If I turn into a totally different person for this purpose, I'm still not goign to get what I want and then not like who I am. I'd rather be disliked for who I am than liked for who I am not. So there.

What about "Robin?"

Well, we have discussed some aspects of this. "Robin" lives in Nashville, and I do not, and that seems unlikely to change for the foreseeable future. I have to be a little realistic. I do love "Robin" but, he is getting increasingly wishy-washy about moving etc, and he has also someone he is rather fooling with.

Why did you get involved with someone out of state anyway?

Well, it has been fun, and it continues to be fun, and that might have to be good enough for a while. I would like more, but might as well enjoy what there is. I rather hoped he would move but, that was, as he points out, a little silly on my part.

And certain people we know borrowed the minivan last week and managed to both break the key - the little plastic bit that holds the key on to the ring- and the driver's side mirror, and neglected to mention the latter to me. Then said person had the audacity! The AUDACITY! to accuse me of potential negligence if I had a gun.

Which they claimed they "thought it was like that." Yah, like I would lend you an extremely slow car with a broken mirror without notifying you of this first. Anyway, they agreed to fix it without any dramatics.

And I still do not have "Moby Dick" back from the Grouchy African, who seemed drunk the last time I went by to bug him about it- - -

O and the other day Spencer came by and wanted some money.

Spencer always wants money. One week he bugged me so much (while I was taking my Executive Nap) that I finallly just let him plant the bulbs and the flowers I bought in - October-- but I was afraid he would plant them all wrong and such.

How do you plant flowers wrong?

Not deep enough, not spaced enough, but I was waiting for warmer weather- But that's not the point! The point is that Spencer this time wanted $2 for his "rash."

I did not feel like giving Spencer money that day and tell him I have no cash, I haven't been to the bank. I think this is a legitimate excuse. Spencer should know about how white people are and having to go to the bank and such to get cash. I only give Spencer money occasionally when he asks because A) hello! I have no money and B) I don't want to be the Bank of Cruella with all withdrawals, no deposits. Like Spencer's personal ATM.

Spencer is probably more clever than this though and probably realises that if I didn't actually pull out my wallet to look in it, I probably have money and don't want to give it to him. He tries to bolster the evidence by showing me his rash.

I did not at all want to see his rash. This did not stop him from showing it to me. But I resisted the viewing of the rash and remained unconvinced.

O how unfortunate, I told him. Spencer does seem to be subject to a variety of "rashes" or so he claims in order to get money.

People do not often do this, but I am thinking the appropriate reaction to someone showing you their rash would be pity, yes? Just checking. It would be inappropriate, for example, to admire it and say, "What a simply MARVELOUS rash!"

So I am all stressed, what with LSAT emergencies, and car stupidity, and having to come up with appropriate comments on Spencer's rashes.

And you really aren't doing anything except for going to class.

SHHHH! no one has to know that.

Also, I just want to say this. I think it is really, really revolting when people are all perky early in the morning, that is to say anytime before 11. I do not think anyone should be able to hold a coherent conversation before then, and if you are all perky early in the morning, you should keep it to yourself as -good manners for those of us who have trouble getting coffee not in our noses.

Cruella Is Trapped In Bar Prep Land

2010-01-13T16:28:00.004-05:00

So Yah, and I am all trapped in Bar Prep Land, and I wish I had some fun things to tell you about but I have forgotten most of them.

Oh, oh, Well I went to spend Christmas with "Robin" in Nashville.

"What do you want for Christmas?" asked "Robin."

"A Fur coat," I say. I begin to imagine how much better life would be if "Robin" gave me a Fur Coat. A lot, I conclude. A LOT. I would go around thrusting it in people's faces and say, see, look what "Robin" gave me! I TOLD you I was good at "that!" And I would name it after him and remember him forever.

This fails to convince "Robin."

Well, If I'm going to buy you a fur coat, you have to buy me a diamond ring, he says. Apparently he is trying to think of something equally expensive and luxurious.

But you don't wear jewelry, I point out, you have frequently discoursed on not liking jewelry. I gave you a silver crucifix and you don't wear that!

That's because I don't want it to get lost, he says.

I can give this some credence, but not much. He had lost The Charlie Brown Christmas special by sticking it in the back of a dresser under some socks.

"I don't think men should wear fur," he then says.

I have a long argument against this which is too graphic even for me to discuss here.

O and we went to see the Nutcracker and we went to see Christmas lights. Robin lost 6 lbs, which I think is nice for him but I liked him anyway. He does look better, you can tell. But I am rather taken by his inner beauty. Also his outer beauty was not off putting so there.

Then we went to see the "Nutcracker" which was beautiful, and "Robin" announced his intent to give $1,000 to the Nashville Ballet. "O is that right," I say, "well then you can certainly buy me a fur coat."

"But that is doing good, to give money to the ballet," says "Robin."

"But it is doing MORE good, to buy me a fur coat," I say, "and also I would be ETERNALLY grateful. I would remember this FOREVER. Unlike the ballet people, who would be only moderately grateful and to them it's just another check."

This argument fails to convince "Robin." He is also somewhat off put when I tell him that I hope when I move, I can find a funeral home that is going out of business and buy all their furniture.

"I think you are going to have to get used to being single for a long time." he says.

"I LIKE that style of furniture, the conservative cherry-wood type things, and YOU have pieces like that." I point out.

"But they weren't around dead people," he observes.

I am not squicked out by dead things. I prefer used furniture, they are like, pre-antiques.

O and then Gerardo came to visit from Mexico and promptly decamped.

Anyhow and then I had a birthday and MTM and Rebecca got in a fight, and almost came to blows, which I felt was unnecessary.

Cruella, what else is going on? I heard you did something really bizarre for a "date."

Um. Yes. I actually did, this was somewhat inadvertent, but. What happened was he wanted to come over and I was in the process of making and canning soup, meaning chopping vegetables by the bucket and boiling turkey necks (that's Dee's fault for teaching me that turkey necks are edible and not just props for John Waters films) and such and then I enlisted his help in the chopping of the vegetables. . .

So for y'all's first encounter, you made him chop vegetables? Like a kitchen slave? That's weird.

Yes. I am rather aware of this. But it seems to have worked.

Also, isn't he considerably (somewhat) older than you are?

Yes, well. I think he's nice.

Nice meaning - - -

Well, in at least two ways is he nice: for one thing, instead of coming over and complaining about how awful my house looks, he actually cleaned the kitchen and the dining room, and then in the other way.

Other way meaning?

Red Bull Can. Literally.

O.

But I am a little concerned, because the other day I asked him what he was doing and he said he had just finished watching a good movie.

This rang alarm bells for me. My concept of what would be a "good" movie diverges wildly and widely from what most people think is a "good" movie.

"What movie?" I asked.

"Anaconda," he said, "it was a really good movie."

"But it's about a foam rubber snake that eats people!" I say.

"I really liked the plot!" he said.

"The plot is - - - wait, there's a foam rubber snake. And it eats people."

"Yes," he says.

I am very alarmed. "!" I am thinking, because suppose this chap is, well, Trey had many good qualities, but you know what I mean. And this chap is not as cute as Trey was when he was thinking hard. So I am not sure.

But who cares. This could be one of those MTM moments, where I need to stop being picky and weird. He's here, he's queer, he cleaned my kitchen, etc., and I'm complaining? Exactly.

Also, plenty of people have odd couple relationships without being gross or creepy like Pam and her husband who was old enough to have come over on the Mayflower. I get so disgusted when I see two gay guys and they are all a happy couple and high-powered and successful, and they have brunch mimosas with their adopted/surrogate babies and are all clean cut and such with their polo by Ralph Lauren duds, I just want to spit.

Christmas

2009-12-25T20:35:00.002-05:00

Y'all! yesterday in my pozole, I got a bone shaped like a heart.

I think this is a Good Omen for 2010.

Yes, I did save it, I wrapped it up in a napkin and took it home, and if you ask me, I will show it to you.

No, I do not think that is weird.

This has been a smaller Christmas than I have had in past years, in part because of Bar prep and so on, and I don't feel like I have that many people to purchase gifts for. I bought my Dad and brother some beer that is specially made in Nashville, and- o yes, I went, and you-know-who is just absolutely beside herself angry that I went.

I resent this. She rings me up and is furious that I don't return her calls right away- well, I'm in Bar class, I don't- and that I went to nashville, and accuses me of being so busy doing "your whole gay thing" that I hae no time for her.

First of all I am not so busy doing this whole gay thing. I am busy with Bar class, etc, and secondly, I have a right to want and find love. That's normal. She should be happy for me- and it really irritates me that I don't get the usual pleasantries, like how are you, how is your friend, etc, just gushers of resentment and anger that she doesn't own me and I don't come running every time she picks up the phone.

So in the New Year, I am going to make good on my resolution to drop people who are damaging my life. I wouldn't mind so much if this weren't phrased so often - well, always, as a demand/obligation to drop everything that I like or want to do in favour of her. That makes me deeply tired and angry and resentful, and I think that- at a certain point, when ever time you talk about a person, you're complaining about what they do- there isn't much of a reason to retain the "friendship" anymore, is there?

I will write some more about this soon. Also I Had a really wonderful time in Nashville with "Robin."

You Should Write Something Nice About Me

2009-12-16T01:07:00.005-05:00

"Robin" demanded. We're probably going to get in some semantic argument about "demanded" v. requested, but tough. This is my blog so I get to write what I feel like.

Cruella, why do you call him "Robin" anyway?

Well, it was a reference to "The Bird's Nest" but then another law student, who for professional reasons shall go unnamed- came up with the excellent line, it's because Cruella wears the Batman suit, so- how can I not go with that?

And I do think and say positive things about the people around me, I just tend to tell them to their faces. Then I get to write about the other things that I'm thinking here. So it's not like this is what I'm REALLY thinking, this is just, the other parts of what I'm thinking.

Anyway, I went to visit him for Christmas and bought him a Christmas tree and decorated it (pictures to follow) so what do you think that says? Actions speak louder than words and such. If I didn't really like him, I wouldn't be still going up to Nashville.

And I do, he doesn't drink and is conservative and religious and honest and trustworthy and hot and hard working and family oriented, and we have intelligent and interesting conversations. But, he lives there, I live here, and Hell if I'm taking more than one Bar, especially to go work in Tennessee. People come to Atlanta to work from Tennessee, not the other way round. At least for the time being.

That being said, I really do like Nashville, it's quiet and clean and well kept and seems like a good place to raise a family, I just have to think about my career.

"That isn't very fair to me," "Robin" objects. "You don't have to make any effort."

This is true, partially, but I can't sell my house and I'm not taking another bar for the very unlikely prospect of getting a job in another state, where they already have Vanderbilt.

Anyway, the thing that I am most proud of is the most recent Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress on Alex.

Cruella, aren't you all busy with law school and such?

Yes. In fact, I was busy with Wills Trusts and Estates, when I thought of this. The more I think then the more evil and scheming I get.

So what I did, and the best part of this was I did not even have to leave the house. You know about sexts? Well, you should. And you know the story about Richard Gere and the gerbils?

I wanted Alex to think I had "sexted" him by mistake, and so I texted him,

"You should come over. I bought gerbils."

"Why did you buy gerbils?" he texted back.

"O sorry, I meant that for someone else," I texted in return. Hee.

Alex called me, EXTREMELY worked up. He was so excited he used punctuation. You would have thought I was threatening to come cram gerbils up HIS bunghole.

"WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE GERBILS?" He demanded. "Who did you buy them for?" "WHY?"

Then I explained that this was a joke.

Alex was not convinced. He really thinks/thought I was going to do something with the gerbils.

"PROMISE ME YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY BUY GERBILS AND YOU AREN'T GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO THEM."

I did not know he cared so much about gerbils. Did you?

Why Don't You Go Date Some Nice White Guy, Part II?

2009-11-09T14:49:00.004-05:00

Well Cruellaland is pretty much flat out of fun. If Cruellaland were a theme park, it would feature 12 hour waits to do 30 page papers about business tax, so, yah. And something somewhere around here smells bad, which is- is that a surprise? No.

(I didn't publish this when I should have but here y'all go)

So how was Halloween?

It was - well, I would have liked a little more excitement, I can honestly say. I didn't end up dressing up, because I didn't have time; the "yarny law student" was cumbersome and - no, did not work. Everyone came, had a couple of drinks, and left. I think next year I'll do it the week before so as to have less competition. Also- That Girl didn't come, so there were some advantages. "Robin" also didn't come. We have been having some discussions about that.

Yah and what else is going on with all that?

Well, I made some Big Decisions I think after I realised that - I don't think I really want to get married to any of the guys in my phone. So I tried the whole get it by putting out and that didn't work, and I think if I'm not going to get what I want, at least let me not get it by doing it my way. I end up with the same nothing, but still some integrity.

And your date Friday night?

I'm not dating a 40 year old pizza delivery man with a beard/stache and a potbelly. Apparently- and we need to put this up- "athletic build" now extends to "I can still see my feet."

Also I am so stressed I think I am losing interest in sex. But I'm not really getting what I want or need, so it's time to reevaluate.

I want a date, where some nice (and reasonably good looking!) man takes me somewhere and we look at art or eat dinner or some such.

I want to snuggle.

I want to build a real life with someone.

It's time for me to stop compromising on those things, and I tried and this isn't working so there.

I dunno, maybe I'll meet someone later at work. I rather wish that my supervisor at my externship had sexually harassed me, it would have been quite welcome. But- I'm trying to learn to be happy with what I have. I dunno what you have to do, because I can cook and am fun to be around and not hideous, so. Maybe people are attracted to those who treat them badly. It's a mystery to me.

So I am thinking, I am going to be doing some things a little bit differently. We shall see. I'm rather at the point where I don't care whether it works or not.

Yah, I'm a little bitter, but things are looking up! See next post.

Why Don't You Go Date Some Nice White Guy?

2009-10-27T16:22:00.005-04:00

Well, Sandi asked me this - the other day, at the most recent. Alex rather implied it.

Well, I didn't say I wouldn't, ok? But around my age, the white guys I tend to attract are gross. As in Simpsons comic-book guy looking. They are all huge with ugly spectacles and beards.

One dude hit on me a couple of weeks ago who weighed 340 lbs and had: A FIFTY-SIX INCH WAIST. Seriously. ONE MORE TIME: A FIFTY-SIX INCH WAIST.

Now I am willing to compromise but honestly, I have standards. Shut up, Sandi & Alex.

Also there's the whole- like last night. have you heard the expression, swatting a fly with a sledgehammer? This was like swatting a fly with a toothpick. Ima have to put up a sign, you must be at least this big to ride this ride. I don't like [that one thing] because then you have to look them in the face, and I never know what face to make. I apparently don't watch enough porn. Ask me for a demonstration of the faces I DO make. It is kinda sad.

I'm not being slutty, I'm PRACTICING. I am never going to achieve Excellence without Hard Work, or working on something Hard.

And do y'all remember how the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints used to put out public service announcements, like don't cheat in school? We need some, like:

If you want me to lick it, then get rid of the hair on/around it. It's gross. I am not a cat.
and:
Stop smelling musty next to me in class. Try to smell more Hispanic. They always smell nice and clean like soap
and
There is no such thing as a little patchouli. The stuff stinks. Stop it.

I thought I would entertain y'all with a Match the Professor with Halloween Candy giving out style- quiz. Fill in the blanks, and you might win a prize! (hee)

______________: Not so much the manner, as the types of candies: "Hello Kitty," "Eager Beaver," "Bug in a Rug."

_______________: demands children prove they are who they are costumed to be, and asks them, if you were, for example, carrying a dagger instead of a cutlass, would you still be a pirate?

______________: points out that when she lived on a farm in Buffalo, they had horehound candies which they did NOT buy on credit.

_______________: makes children point to section of Tax Code allowing a corporation to distribute assets without recognition of gain to recipients. Demands that they characterise whether it's a dividend or not and adjust basis accordingly. Then turns into a bat.

________________: makes them watch videos about model trick-or-treating, write an essay, and then gives them sticky mints picked up from the Burge luncheon.

________________: Frightens children with accent via voice synthesiser stuck on shop demonstration.

________________: frightens children with clothes of the zombie look.

________________: dresses like a small-time bigot pig farmer in response to trick or treaters.

________________: mumbles to self about whether the U.S. Supreme Court could have decided this is constitutionally protected under Freedom of Religion.

________________: demands of trespassers if they are invitee or licensee, then eats all the candy, saying, "No, no, I don't think so, you can't have any, that was not the right answer. mmm! It's tortlicious."

________________: only gives "candy" to the older teenagers with no costumes. Wears transparent dresses to answer the door. Guess what's the "treat."

Joke

2009-10-19T15:22:00.006-04:00

So y'all I went to the Alpharetta High Homecoming, because they had something for the dearly departed teachers-

And I was hoping that I would see some of my former students, and then I could tell them a joke, as in, Did y'all think I was dead? I'm still ALIVE, just not here anymore. Did you think someone came up to me and mugged me for my French, as in, I have a gun, give me all your French or I'll shoot you, and then I didn't and they shot me and I died?

Well, I think it's funny.

O and I have another joke, which is, here's the punch line, elle ressemble a un- comment dit-on "backhoe" en Francais?

I haven't been really able to figure out what to do for Halloween. I thought I should be something from Regretsy, for example, a yarny vagina.

MTM did not like this idea.

Don't do anything too weird, she says.

Really. Now y'all know I LIVE for Too Weird. This deeply irked me because you would think after this long, she would have accepted me as her friend, right? or what?

So I said well I wanted to do something cheap and easy (yes I could go as That Girl, that would be weird, or myself, hee) and since I got talked into hosting the party, I need something that I can move round in easily. To pick That Girl up out of the basement.

Why don't you dress up as a cowboy, suggested MTM. I have a hat you can borrow.

I will let the lameness of this idea sink in for y'all. Really? a Cowboy?

It has to be witty, I said, trying to think of how to be nice about this.

You don't always have to be witty, she said.

No. I do too have to always be witty, otherwise I will turn into Alex and - did I tell you the other day at dinner he was expounding on the many uses of 9 in accounting? At length? After I said I was thinking about going as that chap who hijacked the airliner with the juice can with the little lights? Alex gave us a whole list of how 9 is used in accounting.

Fine, next time I'll MAKE UP SOMETHING ABOUT HIM, and see if y'all believe it. He did too do this.

Even Dad thought the cowboy thing was lame, and said exactly such, so there.

I did come up with an outfit but you'll have to come if you want to see it.

O and here's an exchange I need to have:
me complaining: I want to lie on the floor and shriek like Maria Callas
respondent: You wanted to be a lawyer
Me thinking: you wanted to be a fuckwit and have clearly achieved that goal.

Halloween!

2009-10-15T12:31:00.002-04:00

Cruella, what are you going to do for Halloween?

Well, I wasn't actually going to do ANYTHING- that should tell you how stressed I am because Y'all know any chance I get to dress up and act the fool- meaning- get drunk and yell at children, and sing, etc., I love beyond anything ever. But I am just all stressed, so I wasn't going to do anything, and then Julio talked me into having a party. Besides, I really want to see "Robin," and probably- definitely- shan't have another chance until God knows when. (Note to "Robin:" That is NOT blasphemous. 'Cos I had told him, well, I would be coming between finals and Bar prep, thinking, Bar prep won't start until January, and then I discovered:

There is no Between Finals and Bar Prep; Bar Prep starts 21st Dec and last day of finals is 16th December. And I'm likely to extend my period of intolerability from oh, let's say NOW until I find a job in Nevember.

Wait, Cruella, what's going on with you looking for a job?

Hi! I have 17 hours! I- have decided there's no point in looking for a job if you either A) die beforehand, and I was thinking, but law school never actually killed anyone, and then I remembered that student got run over by a car and died, and also people have heart attacks and you know that one professor, she may not be dead, but - there might be worse things? and B) if I don't graduate and pass the bar, the whole job thing? Not happening. So, I've rather focused my attentions on the whole not-dying-from-business-tax thing. BTW, I love it when the Code says the OPPOSITE of what it means.

But you have time, Cruella, to -

Shut up. Y'all know I'm on the Cruella diet, right? Gotta have that third C.

Cruella, what are you going to dress as for Halloween? Are you going to reuse one of your fabulously witty costumes, like the Thrift Store or the Masque of the Red Death?

Hmmm. Since I am hosting the party, I have to do more than just be decorative and useless (remember how THAT worked out last year?) and so I need a costume that reflects A) my current interests and B) I can host a party in. Also "Robin" made me promise not to drink if he comes. (This could be a Good Thing.)

It would be very hard to dress up as a Small Block Chevy Twin Turbo Kit. It might be hard to dress as a Text From Last Night- Plan B pill, a bottle of vodka, and puke? (I could end up that way though, but you-know-who is probably not coming in the interest of her good behaviour) so I was thinking about dressing up as a Thing from Regretsy, Like a Yarny Vagina. I could just get an enormous electric torch and wave it around and declare that I'm a Shining Light, as in the Annie Lennox song, or I could think of something else witty.

What about "Robin?"

I really don't know whether he is coming or not. If he does, he will probably want me to wear something skimpy, like he was saying I should be a ballerina (No More I Love You's?)- but I want to be WARM, dammit. That's what I think! It's always cold on Halloween. I was thinking of Baby Jane in the interest of scaring the neighbourhood children, but no one will give me a dead rat.

Cruella, what are you making for Halloween?

Wait, do you mean what do I WANT to make or what will I ACTUALLY make?

I WANT to make punch, of which I can have none, (boo "Robin"), and I will probably make Jell-O shots, and then y'all do realise that I have incredible amounts of school? So Ideally I will make gougeres filled with ham mousse, and something with all that smoked salmon I bought, probably those lollipops (shut up Alex), rumaki is kinda a tradition and easy, those Jalapeno poppers that come from Sam's and maybe? Chicken wings, but the bones are a nuisance, and chocolate Mousse in dixie cups. Maybe ALCOHOLIC Chocolate mousse? Or Chocolate Mousse parfaits that are alcoholic, mmm!

What probably will happen is that I'll have class (seriously! Halloween should be a holiday, especially the day after) and then I'll wind up with those frozen meatballs which are kinda not that great and then serve them with barbecue sauce out of the Crock-pot. Then we'll have drinks.

Ironies

2009-10-13T11:24:00.005-04:00

Y'all I had some fun ironies to share with y'all out of my email. Such as:

Kaplan Eenglish teacher needed,

and the invitation from Georgia State to attend the president's Investiture ceremony coupled with the announcement there will be no parking that day- so wait, how am I supposed to come then? How exactly is it an invitation, if there isn't going to be parking?

Y'all know I'm too pretty to ride Marta, and I smell too nice.

Anyhow, message to all the people who are chirpy and productive, and all like, ooo, I had a productive weekend and finished all five of my outlines: I hate you. I REALLY hate you. I HATE HATE HATE HATE you.

And I am STILL battling that stupid insurance company about the Cadillac. I just want it fixed. Now it is visiting the Grouchy African, who has NOT yet given me an estimate.

Then the office that I work at had a long weekend, and I am busy imagining what my supervisor did this weekend. I am thinking, he had a road trip with his college buddies and they went to Charleston for a pie-eating contest. No, I am actually thinking of things involving stupendous quantities of feathers. Like a carful of feathers, at least, and a party bus and corn syrup.

Y'all just don't believe how stressed out I have been, but I have been so stressed I haven't had time or energy to think up new plots to Intentionally Inflict Emotional Distress on Alex. Now you know things are bad when I don't have any interest in tormenting him. Even though he is going to Portsmouth and so that would be a perfect opportunity.

I guess he still hasn't found those (things that I put in his house), or maybe he just hasn't noticed? He didn't mention them - - -

Now y'all also know that Alex is looking for a job, and so he finally had to go suit shopping. Y'all will notice also that Alex has been dressing- well, sort of better, for the most part, he still makes some odd choices (yah Cruella! Like you're one to talk about odd choices!) No, I mean the kind of odd choices that it's hard to see exactly who they would be attractive on. Alex I think is very much in touch with his Inner Lesbian, and by that I mean the kind of Lesbian who looks like Construction Equipment. You know the kind when you go to their house you expect to see framed family pictures of backhoes and tractors.

To hear him tell the story, you would think I dragged him all over Atlanta for like 18 days comparison shopping something pointless like shower curtain hooks or something.

No. We went to a K & G, the one off of 78, (right next to the BEST FABRIC STORE EVER) Alex noisily refused to visit the Fabric Store. He thinks fabric stores are boring, but is going to South Carolina this weekend to sit in the rain and watch two teams he's never heard of play American football. Thus far I have not done anything sufficiently bad this year to justify this kind of punishment. Not even "Robin" would think I have been THAT bad.

But these were suits for HIM, so you would think he would have a stake in the matter. and I wanted him to get good value for his money. K & G had a special, 2 for 150, but we (I) didn't like their selection and didn't want him to pay $130 for one suit, so I made him go to another K & G. Also apparently Amber was concerned that I might recommend he purchase some sort of suit made out of purple fur.

No, I would wear a suit made out of purple fur, at least I would think about it, but I wouldn't insist that he buy one.

Don't you want to look nice, I asked him? This took Alex more thought than one would expect.

I hope that he does not wear shoes that Ma found in the garbage with this suit.
I'm also thinking that he will have to counteract this by actually buying the pig-farmer overalls and wearing them. I have some mixed feelings about this.

I did torment him a little by telling him I had to wash my hair Thursday night.
At first he didn't realise why I was telling him this. Did you get something in it? He asked, and then he realised what he said, and he complained bitterly, Aaagh, why did you tell me this, he said.

Now you know what? I have a good idea, which is, why don't I make homework into a sex game? Every time I learn a code section, I can lick (person)'s nipples, or something. Maybe, for business tax, as I'm reading the code, pick out key words and concepts. If it's a nonrecognition section, nibble ears. If the Code mentions gain, lick the right nipple, if it mentions loss, lick the left nipple. If the Code mentions transfer of property, tongue kiss.

Etc.

You could also make it a drinking game, or if you are a serious alcoholic, make Wills Trusts and Estates a drinking game where every time the UPC mentions "testator" you do a shot.

Blas-For-Me, Blas-For-You . . .

2009-09-22T14:25:00.005-04:00

As previously noted, it has been flooding in Atlanta, to the point where the highways are underwater. This has caused me to be twice accused of blasphemy.

The first occasion was I told "Robin" that I'm waiting for the frogs.

"Frog legs? What frogs?" he asked.

"Those Biblical-plague frogs," I said, "although I don't really think that was much of a plague, that was kind of weak. I rather like frogs. I think it was some other sort of creature."

It's hard to effectively menace someone with a frog, and God knows I thought about it in Austria. Can you imagine being mugged with a frog? The mugger would come up and thrust the frog at you and threaten to- slap you with the frog, I suppose. Even I would not be scared. So I am thinking this is one of those mistranslations. Perhaps there could be a plague of snakes, that I would legitimately be scared of. It at least needs to bite or sting to be menacing. Locusts, sure, they eat everything. But following the water-turning-to-blood with frogs is kinda like God delegated the task that day to his bumbling yet well-meaning assistant.

Or a mistranslation, like when St. Jerome translated something about Moses into him having horns.

"That's blaspheming God," accused "Robin." Please note the redundancy.

This created a lengthy argument, but I discovered a trump card: I bet "Robin" does not know what Zorah means, and I do, so there.

Then I wrote on my Facebook: Dear God; cities are dry clean only. Do not immerse or submerge in water or severe damage may result. And Sandi accused me of blasphemy.

Well, fine, and the only somewhat morally contemptible thing I have been doing is that I have been having fun with such-a-one, and I do not know how exactly to write about this except that everyone should have the opportunity to, um. Well, I'm not going to MARRY him.

Although he still hasn't taken me up on my offer to drive around real fast and thrash on 350/370zs and then go home and lick chocolate mousse off of him. He did not seem enthused about chocolate mousse being put on him.

Well the first time, and you-know-who stuck her head in in the middle of it, and then - just ask me to show you about it in interpretive dance. I did not know my body could bend in those ways and I told him that if I end up in some sort of brace/cast I am going to tell everyone EXACTLY how it happened. It was like the Kama Sutra and Fountains of Wayne and reading Doestoyevsky and Tolstoy in the original Russian all combined. I had to wash my hair. Now he wants us, us being myself and you-know-who, both to get drunk (that can be arranged, I said) and then- I'm not sure about the rest of it, at all, on both hands, I'm like ooooh, this is- making him happy, but then ooooh, I don't think I would like that.

Let me tell you something else which irritated me extremely. http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090923/ts_alt_afp/usunpoliticsclintonobama_20090923141706

First of all, is Obama doing any actual, you know, presidential things? He seems to be jetting off to visit Denmark to encourage them to give the Olympics to Chicago and apparently hobnobbing with Democratic Party has-beens rather than what Presidents do. I'm not going to comment on the title because that seems- well, that's the writer's own words, but- really? The CLINTON Global Initiative? You were a lying amoral spineless sleazeball willing to stop at nothing to get to power and derailed your Presidency by letting a fat intern fool with you. And you're somehow entitled to lead the world, despite not having solved a single problem domestically or during your presidency?

"Bill Clinton has helped improve and save the lives of millions." Who? What millions? Where? How dumb do they think we are?

That's just wrong, but even worse is:

"The global initiative reminds us of what we can each do as individuals."

ORLY? Then you wouldn't need a global initiative in the first place, would you? Even Mother Teresa was an individual working to help people etc but she had the backing of the church. There's nothing individual about this, it's - actually kinda sad, and Whatever Happened to Baby Janeish in that the Clintons just. cannot. stop. They just will not concede and get off the stage and go gently into the good golf-playing speech making and consulting tours. They're still on stage yowling hideously and refusing to cede.

They should thank their lucky stars for Texas, because without Perot they would have been sent packing back to well deserved slimy Arkansan obscurity from whence they came and Bush II took all the popularity licks for dealing with the problems Clinton never touched during his presidency, being too busy with fat interns.

I also do not want to hear about how the budget was balanced and we were in surplus. That's because Congress was controlled by Republicans from 1994 on. They write the budget. Not the president. Spending is entirely controlled by the Congress. Clinton put his finger in the political wind and sensed deep doo-doo a comin' if he didn't get on board with their reform proposals, and he ditched all the moldy old liberal ideas in favour of some kind of Bush-y moderation.

And can they really just stop pretending to even like each other? He didn't get to see his favourite member of the Obama administration? His wife? O please.

Also did you know there is a movie in which Joan Crawford appears with the Three Stooges? I did not know that. I think the Three Stooges are extremely tedious. At least for me, I can't watch stupid people hit each other over and over again. It's only interesting when intelligent people argue and then smack each other, like in "Mommie Dearest."

And I saw the Devil Wears Prada. It was excellent.

I have a whole new list of insults from a letter to Inland Revenue, which I will share with you:

pissant gas mongerer

Pauper council

Lombardy pirate banker

lackwit bumpkin

canker-blighted, toppling folly

Bunterish lickspittle

dancing whore procurer

marrow sucker

Atlanta Underwater

2009-09-21T21:27:00.002-04:00

Seriously y'all? This is the Connector. I am not happy.

Cruella's Fauxject

2009-09-17T17:10:00.002-04:00

What's a fauxject? Cruella's reader asks (I think I only have one).

A fauxject, says Cruella, is a kind of dream project. Please note how it sort of rhymes with pro-ject if you mispronounce pro-ject as a verb and not a - shut up Cruella, no one wants to hear you ramble about language.

Say I was not up to my neck in law crap and incomprehensible Business Tax which- seriously, is it written in Klingon? I need to provide samples of this- but if I had money, and time, what would I do since I temporarily have been deprived of the Cadillac? Ideally. What would I do if I were permanently deprived of the Cadillac- which I am not going to allow, but, just in case. Someday I will have lots of money and time and probably be dead and then maybe I can come back from the grave and accomplish several of the things I should have done in life and never got round to.

Also I think that this whole working along the learning curve thing and a new toolbox have gotten me overconfident in my car-repair abilities. Maybe if I started from 0, then things would be easier.

But I think you know what would be kickass? Well you all know how Lady Thatcher (the car) is kick ass. So wouldn't an SBC with a twin turbo kit be - whole new dimensions in kickass? And suppose you installed it in an 80's b-body wagon. That would be- awesomeness cubed. Especially a plushy model, like the Buick or Olds, with the little turn signal repeaters, and woodgrain trim, it would be so kickass, no one would be able to stand it. You could go eat every little Honda with the fart-can muffler in Atlanta and still have room for ugly body-kitted Mitsubishis.

That's what I think. Watch me spend a whole bunch of money doing this, and soon.

Anyway another thing I have been doing is that - one of my professors won't let us use the internet in class, which would be good if we could because she kinda. Rambles. I am forced to think of pre-internet ways to waste time, like writing uncomplimentary songs about - some of my classmates.

I tell "Robin" about this (o yes, we are speaking again). He wrote a poem excoriating lemons, about "that nasty yellow thing." Actual line: "Why it that nasty bitter lemon."

I feel this gives me license to write a song about a big fat toad shaped person in class.

"Robin" does not agree. "Is it nice to make fun of fat people?" he asks.

"No-oh," I say, "but- I can't help it!"

This is true. I absolutely cannot help it. Y'all know I am absolutely hypnotised by fat people. I have to stop and stare when I see someone who is fat like most guys would stare if Megan Fox suddenly appeared covered in whipped cream but otherwise nude in their midst. (Congratulate me, I just used a current pop-culture reference. That was harder than it looked.) They just fascinate me, how you can be all completely round and larger in diameter than I am tall? And why didn't you stop stuffing your fat face when you started not to fit through doors? How did this happen to you? I am trying to figure out why that is and have come up with a few possibilities.

A) there is a fat person inside me struggling to get out
B) I have an unconscious fear that they will eat me, nom nom nom and I will be gone
C) I have a very conscious fear that they will want to have sex with me and this could happen, if enough gin were involved and I would feel shame again.
D) I feel vicarious shame through them, being largely incapable of feeling shame directly

"Robin" disagrees with all these reasons. "You shouldn't do that," he insists. "It's not nice."

As though I look like Rainbow Brite or something! It's an entirely involuntary reaction, is what I say.

I still don't know why I can't parlay this into a career, as in Personal Services Consultant. Makeover artist. I am thinking, Businesses often hire people to tell them what's wrong with them, so here I am offering this valuable service for free.

I would be good at this because A) I have lots of experience and B) I'm right all the time (ask Alex, who will deny this but it's true) and I have impeccable taste!
Someday, I will think of a way to make money doing this.

O and Alex criticised my use of the phrase, "Hoisted with his own petard."

"Why do you talk like that," He complained, "no one says that."

Again, just because YOU don't say it doesn't mean NO ONE says it. He claimed it was all archaic and I was apparently doing this on purpose to annoy him.

If I were going to do that I would talk like one of those (fat) Renaissance Faire twits and say things like, "Prithee, wherefore forsooth is thine bodkin on the morrow, fair wench?"

But I don't.

Celebrate Labour Day, vote Thatcher!

2009-09-05T23:21:00.004-04:00

Like everyone else in creation, I am feeling under the weather, but not because of flu.

Rebecca came over Saturday night and I got some accidentally- well, not ON me, but awfully close. I have never seen someone go from 0- falling down drunk in 5 minutes.

She was fine when we left her house. She was drinking something suspicious looking from a Coke bottle- And you know something, I know WAY too many alcoholics WAY too well to be able to spot the 12 telltale signs of alcoholism without reference. I can't even remember what day it is without consulting my phone, but I can recognise over liquored diet Coke on sight.

That is kinda sad for me, isn't it? But not unexpected.

So then she managed to get falling down drunk on the way here- which is like a 10 minute ride? Depending on which car I'm driving.

I was supposed to go to dinner with her and another friend but being as how she was not really mobile by the time we got here, not so much.

And I can understand and sympathise with alcoholism, but I cannot understand and sympathise with alcoholics who wear 4 inch platform heels. That's just taking bad judgment a little too far.

Also ask me in person for the REST of the story; there was quite a bit more.

Cruella, shouldn't you be helping your friend instead of making fun of her?

Well, I didn't make that much fun of her. Also, I am completely out of the Helping People Who Don't Want to Be Helped Business.

I tried it with Pam; That did not work.

I tried it with Sheridan; that did not work.

I tried it with Trey; that did not work.

Perhaps if people come to me in future and ask me for advice/assistance I can do something, but please remember this was her idea to come over and I'm not chasing her down looking for people to mock. And I have plenty on my plate with helping myself through Business Tax and all the other things I have to do.

Well, fine, Cruella, what else did you do for the Labour Day weekend?

I am still stuck in Bar Fitness Hell but almost done with it, I found some things in Dekalb County that I need and am waiting for them to get those records together and then I'll be done. I'm actually (because I might as well be on crack) excited about the MPRE, it's like a milestone in my almost-done-with-law-school-ness, and then I got one of those fancy smart phones and can take pictures, but I can't figure out yet how to put them on the computer. It hooks to the computer by USB but I can't get the computer to see the phone. I don't understand technology. Y'all I wanted to purchase a case for it, but they didn't have any case that went over the screen, which is the main thing I wanted to protect- so I have done something quite ghetto and am carrying it round in a baggie.

I rather wanted to go to DragonCon- one of these days- but somehow missed out.
O and we went to that restaurant, I think I wrote about that, and then- Alex wouldn't let me tell the story of what ensued (Alex! :( ).

O and I forgot to tell you the Important Question I asked at Sea World! You know how dolphins and manatees are mammals? So they breastfeed their young, right?

Yes, I did go there.

Their nipples are behind their flippers. Betcha didn't know that! And if you did, you have been watching entirely too much Animal Planet.

I am Really Not on Drugs

2009-09-01T12:13:00.007-04:00

Ok! So I spent most of class Tuesday imagining that the professor was a large bat. Please also note that in my imagination, I made the bat talk like Margaret Cho's mommy. Please also note that A) I like this professor and he does not at all look like a bat or Margaret Cho's Mommy, and B) I am not on drugs.

Then I was having a conversation with "Robin," and was entertained by the fact that he apparently has a new racial stereotype, which is that "Koreans don't know that the smell of gas means danger." I think that's nearly as good, if unfortunately more complicated, than "Blacks are good with computers."

Y'all I either need desperately to - no, wait, first of all, I really need to smack these people who are having this inordinately inane conversation about "and then I sit in one place, and then I'm going to go home and sit, and then I sit some more, and then I sat across the room, and then I sat on one side of the Marta train, and then I sat on the other side of the marta train,"- and please note first they were talking about sports, specifically college football, so y'all know I am just all eaten up with loathing.

Inside, I am making that face that I make when I accidentally get pussy on myself.

-anyway, I desperately need to buy a ?Blackberry? Some kind of phone with an appointment book in it because I - cannot keep track of all the things that I am supposed to do and I am proving some theory maybe that time doesn't exist by just doing things when they occur to me and pretending that time exists so that I can rationally not perceive them all at once? But I just- well today I showed up for an appointment that I had gotten an email about two weeks early. So I think I will get a Samsung Finesse because it seems to have an appointment book in it. I will have to investigate further and then I will have to get insurance for it because it has all the touch screen and so forth? I'll probably never be able to actually work the thing.

MBT's? Check.

I was thinking about what would be my ideal law job- and it came to me all in a flash. What I would most like to do is corporate-style training seminars in which I give quick explanations of general legal principles important for companies/individuals who may not want to hire lawyers, but to staff to prevent the problem from getting to a legal problem. Like employment discrimination, employment law, harassment, etc for big corporations, train police departments on evidence and so forth.

Then I could also parlay this into marketing small firms/solo practitioners for groups like churches, neighbourhood associations and such so that I would email a church and say, I'd like to do a 90 min q and A on some issues affecting your community, and then come up with 45 min of FAQ and answers and then some preselected questions and answers. Then at the end I would provide referrals to local attorneys, and I would get paid to help with this. And I could get paid by the church to do wills etc. (but having kickbacks from the church to include them in a will sounds like a conflict of interest).

I could do seasonal seminars at churches about tax law in April, family law one part of the year, estate planning one part of the year, criminal law one part of the year, and then employment law? Senior law? Immigration law? one seminar targeted to that community.

So I think that would be a good idea.

What else has been happening?

Well we went to the Laser Show last weekend, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was oddly moving. I was trying to get a "friend" to go, but no one will answer their phones, which is one of those stupid guy tricks I can live without.

I mean, I know it was good, because I had to wash my hair the next morning, ok? So answer your damn phone- not necessarily immediately but you know, within 48 hours?

In the future, I'm going to start being more honest with people. Not necessarily brutally honest, as in, your breath smells like cat food and your beard feels like a brillo pad and on a one to ten sexy scale I would rate you slightly above mulch but more like, you're a great person but I'm not really feeling it. I'm not going to make any more stupid excuses about it's not you it's me or ignore their calls until they give up.

Ooo but then the consequences of this might be I might turn into an asshole who makes duck faces.

Anyway- Moby Dick has not yet been repaired or dealt with properly, it is still at the dealer waiting for the insurance company to come. They are threatening to total it which would make me very unhappy; it's just a little bent.

And we went to Eno last night for Midtown restaurant week. It was very MTM and I'm going to start using her name as an adjective. As in, it was, even with the discounts, way pricey and way little food and mediocre.

You can, on purpose, eat Octopus with watermelon and lemon vinaigrette. I have to report this was not quite as revolting as it sounds- it didn't taste like- that- but it wasn't good either. Maybe bacon.

And y'all should know from previous posts, my food universe is not limited to meatloaf and potato buds and frozen veggies. My food universe is wide, but I do not like needing a dictionary to find out what I am eating. Please note that their menu featured "ramps" and I do not know what those are, except some kind of vegetable?

You could have oysters with pickled beets, a combination I had never previously considered, although I do love them individually.

You could order something called "glacier" lettuce, which I am thinking is an extreme kind of iceberg lettuce?

You could order a "rougie foie gras torchon, corn sorbet, corn madeleines, and blueberry," and I have no real idea what a torchon is despite a degree in French. (the Third Degree! Ha!)

You could order something which comes with "truffle-banyuls" sauce and "crispy fennel" which- what the hell is a banyul? They could be feeding us bat embryos and no one would know. And I don't care for fennel, crispy or otherwise.

I don't know what "guanciale" is either.

I don't know what "tobiko gremolata" is but that dish also included a "gently poached egg" as opposed to- the violently poached egg? The egg which had to be poached with whips and chains? The mind reels.

Another dish featured "singed black olives" and I can't really think of much which is improved by being singed.

I have no idea what "blackjack tomato emulsion" is.

"smoked potato" sounds like something an extremely desperate and inventive pothead might do.

Also they have to name all the places the meats came from, as in "Eden farms pork chop," "Painted Hills New York Strip," "back of the alley dumpster chicken breast," (kidding about the last one.) This just baffles me.

I drove Lady Thatcher. This impressed several people, including Alex's friend and He Who Does Not Return Phone Calls. We were listening to - 90.1 which was remarked upon by Alex' friend.

"That's so cool," he said, "in this car, listening to what we decided was Brahms."

Alex did not like that discussion. He Who Does Not Return Phone Calls and Alex' friend and I were all discussing who we thought the composer was of the music we were listening to. It was a violin ?concerto? and I thought it was 19th century and didn't have the repeated motifs that characterise Mozart, I said.

"There's too much culture in this car," Alex said. Also he tried to make fun of me when I said he was "hoisted by his own petard."

Also once I got to the restaurant I was so - well you know- that I forgot to put her in Park and she tried to escape. The valet jumped in and stopped her.

People Know Me So Well

2009-08-25T19:57:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I told Kim a friend was coming over and I was going to make chocolate mousse.

"Are you going to eat it or play with it?" she asked.

Hee! People know me so well!

Well anyway today I am wearing sexy underwear and hope that is not in vain, but Business tax is certainly in vain, because I have no idea what he's talking about. I guess it would help had I done the reading but a) my book hasn't come yet and b) the bookstore doesn't have the correct tax code and Barnes and Noble was supposed to send it but ?ran out of it? I don't understand.

Business tax is all about something about property transfers and adjusted basis and boot and I don't know what all, none of which makes a bit of sense. He could just as well be speaking Latin for all I understand.

I have been wishing I had this- and now iI found it.

2009-08-21T19:33:00.003-04:00

This is totally the wrong time of year for this, but I have been working on Bar Fitness which HURTS LIKE STICKING YOUR HAND IN A WOOD CHIPPER and I was looking for my teaching permit and found it. So this is a Dadaist poem I wrote many years ago composed out of cut-and-pasted Salon quotes.

Do you know why I do not observe Valentine's Day?

I will tell you why I do not observe Valentine's Day.

I don't believe in love. I don't believe in compatibility. I don't even believe in sex.

Do you KNOW why that is? Do you know WHY that is? Do you KNOW how I FEEL?

Because the only thing I believe in
now
is breasts.

That's what I want,
above all,
The only thing I want.

Let me tell you about my girlfriend.

She is a statuesque blonde,
with hair and brains resembling the synthetic floss attached to the heads of Barbie dolls,
with about 90 teeth who farts glowing green gas,
calling attention to her breasts.

I mistook cheap sentiment,
awash in artificial lavender blossoms,
for the REAL THING.
But then I learned:
She had her habit of constantly listening to an ear-shattering rendition of "California Dreamin',"
a heart
of American cheese.

Freudian analysis
as told to
Hello Kitty:
simultaneously vacuous and surreal.

Gooey like paint,
the colors will probably rot your teeth,
like
the cover of a book that tries to persuade you to adopt
a
creepy
new religion,
one with custard
and breasts
and full
tummies.

No, it wasn't her intellect I was after.

It wasn't her personality,
(she once had a life,
but she stopped feeding it, so it just

went

away.)

and it

wasn't

her
loathsome rat
baby
visage.

What she lacks in animation, however

she makes up in cleavage; this impressive attribute has a tendency to entirely take over: it grabs hold of you
and squeezes out all

your better judgment.

Her name is Godreche.

The inert Godreche - who resembles a large stuffed doll - intones to a large, impassive stuffed animal. "You

can't just let

yourself go like this," she cautions a bar

of soap.

Because we were,
as The Cleavage said,
swelling with righteous outrage,
"the seven whitest people in America,"

A bunch of animal puppets ogles her chest, including a ratty, cigarette smoking bunny puppet named Mr. Floppy.

Like an entire Renaissance Faire on stage wires.

We all
have
Moments of doubt.

Wasn't he already in hell?

Their sexual relationship, and his outrageous behavior, scandalized literary Paris.

When have you ever seen a porn star, or any screen heartthrob,

sob after orgasm?

Boldly Going Where Everyone Else Has Already Been

2009-08-18T23:29:00.006-04:00

You know, that was not INTENDED to be a pun, but I guess it turned into one? So, no, I did not have sex with you-know-who.

Anyhow, I am back! So today the tax professor asked what happened to my code book, and I said, it hasn't come yet!

And only much later did I realise, I should have said, that's what he said!

Now the title of this entry refers to Martha Stewart's June 2009 magazine, which I just discovered was subtitled, "Take it Easy."

Now Martha Stewart has been duly and deservingly mocked, but I could not really let this lie fallow, so let us ponder what Ms. Stewart considers taking it easy.

Immediately inside the front cover is a rather frightening picture of a lady with an enormous red hair barrette sitting on a cushion, with her knees up, wearing white overalls, a red t-shirt, and Converse, laughing in - do y'all remember that Lily Tomlin character of the little girl in the enormous chair? Or Roseanne Roseannadanna? This lady looks profoundly whatever the current politically correct word for mentally retarded is. The photo spread is an advertisement for Armstrong flooring, which promises, "It only looks like the real thing."

Well I can't say that for anyone I ever slept with, so there.

I can't think of anything of which I ever said, "It only looks like the real thing" as a term of praise. To outline Ms. Stewart's calendar, which she places on the second inside page of her magazine, would be too much bother but nothing in there looks like anyone is "taking it easy." Ms. Stewart includes items such as, on the 23rd, "Yoga," "Friesans and minature donkeys get their annual checkups," and "Leave for London." I do not know what "Friesans and minature donkeys" annual checkups involve, but I would rather hope Ms. Stewart will have to stick her hand deep in their behinds. Then I would suggest reversing the order of "Yoga" and "Friesans and minature donkeys get their annual checkups," because I would think that Yoga would relieve the feelings that you get from conducting annual checkups on Friesans and minature donkeys. Ms. Stewart includes on her calendar items such as "Dinner with the Booth-Clibborns-" Why? Are her readers going to crash the party? She also has listed, "open all windows to circulate fresh air throughout the house," for the 11th, which makes one wonder who exactly Ms. Stewart is writing for and when. June to me seems rather late to begin such a thing, and are her readers so daft this would not occur to them unless she suggested it? Are they saying, Martha opens her windows on the 11th of June, therefore I shall do the same? Ms. Stewart, sadly, has failed to include entries such as "bondage with pool boy," "buy new D-size batteries for vibrator," "drink a whole bottle of vodka," or "make leather restraints for BDSM orgy."

Although the first two or three featured recipes could arguably count as "taking it easy," the third (or fourth) is "cream puffs with lemon curd and blueberry sauce" which features three individual recipes which all look like they take forever to actually prepare.

There is an article on page 44 for "the quest for a good hand soap," which suggests a (hopefully) rarely imitated level of neurosis and boredom. I would rather hope I do not know people who "quest" for a good hand soap, as though this required a concerted effort comparable to questing for the Holy Grail or questing for Eldorado instead of walking into any store and purchasing such a thing. "Most of us pick hand soap based on how it smells or how the container will look beside the sink," derides the article.

I have not even been guilty of this sin; Hand soap is not one of those conscious choices I make, but if I did, it would be soaps I took from EconoLodge.

"But to get the job done- without rubbing hands raw in the process-"

I object to this. Are there large numbers of Ms. Stewart's readers using Lava soap? Are there (ladies, presumably) walking around with raw, bleeding hands waiting for her advice on choosing a hand soap? I hope never to have to shake their hands if this is the case. Is she writing for Lady Macbeth?

Ms. Stewart suggests making a card shaped like a jacket lapel for a pocket square, claiming it is a "gift Dad is sure to appreciate," and features a green and white gingham looking pocket square, and I would love to know whose Dad would appreciate this exactly, because A) no straight white (aw come on, Ms. Stewart can count her black readers on her non-raw hands) man I know would ever wear a pocket square B) my Dad wears velcro sneakers from Kmart and appreciates alcohol and C) theoretically, even if your Dad did appreciate a pocket square? Green and white GINGHAM? How much, exactly, do you hate men? And now we know.

The next page features making a "sack sleeve to match your kitchen decor" for used plastic bags with something called "twill tape."

But the following page suggests several items which strike me as perfect for a really fun and unpleasant practical joke: "Infused liquors are perfect for parties and gifts."

Now that would be fine if she suggested flavours that people would be likely to, you know, ENJOY, but she has suggested, SERIOUSLY:

Fennel vodka and beet-cucumber vodka.

I would like to know, who WANTS fennel vodka? Or what sort of drink exactly would you make with beet-cucumber vodka? (other than a bullshot) Everyone I know is noisy in their denunciation of beets and I can't imagine anyone- and y'all know some of the people I know- saying, yes, let's have some more of that beet-cucumber vodka, mmm!

Ms. Stewart, on the next page, suggests the little black dress as a "new basic," which- who doesn't know about that? That, combined with the beet-cucumber vodka, suggests a reader clueless to the point of imbecility with a serious Sadist streak.

I didn't bother to read the rest of the magazine, so I have run out of criticism, but I would really like (no, I actually would NOT) to meet the person who:

* will copy Ms. Stewart's calendar and open her(his?) windows on 11th June because, "that's when Martha opens her windows!"
* was unaware that the "little black dress" is a basic
* has the level of hostility towards men to gift a green-and-white-gingham pocket square to her (his?)father, in an elaborate jacket card
* will inflict fennel and beet-cucumber vodka on anyone at a party, or as a gift.
* thinks "it only looks like the real thing" are words of recommendation.

Numbers are Inherently Meaningless

2009-08-17T15:06:00.004-04:00

Alex is apparently jealous of my Facebook fandom.

He said something about all the people I had "brainwashed."

"Every time you post," he said, "everyone's like, you're so cool! We agree! It's 'cos you brainwashed them."

Well don't hate me because I'm beautiful and smart. Or do, that kind of hate I can take. Even if it is from the neighbours.

Alex had done an interesting job of shaving himself, as in he had also left large unshaven spots under his chin. It was like, if you had a relative, in care, who was being shaved like that, you'd have a prima facie case for negligence. (aren't you happy I talk like that now? Not really.)

Alex reported that he did not care. He had just gone to church he said, and all the people there were dead anyway.

But then why bother at all? He looks like the professor who makes me hungry, all -the-whole-personal-grooming-thing is just not happening. He is supposed to be the normal, I live in a ranch house and eat Cheerios kind of normal person in our family. Not another person who saves used napkins and airs out potatoes in the yard, on the dirt, or saves their used chicken bones in the freezer to boil them up, make soup and then a collage with them. Ok? No.

We tried to take pictures of this but he was fidgeting so they didn't come out.

Then he attempted to criticise me because of my firm position against numbers. I have been frequently quoted as saying, "Numbers are inherently meaningless," because - they are! For example: Your house address could just as well be one number as any other! It doesn't matter which number you affix to it, just as long as it's consistent! The temperature is all dependent on which scale you use, it could just as well be 19 as 73.

Alex objects. "Well," he says, "for example, if you tell Joe, I have 5 apples-"

I (naturally) interrupt him. "Do you have conversations like this?" I ask. "Do you normally go around telling Joe, I have 5 apples, how many apples do you have, and Joe says, I have 3 apples, no you (well, perhaps he does?) do not!"

Alex is forced to concede this point.

"Robin" also dislikes my "Numbers are inherently meaningless" position, particularly when he asks me how far away something is or how long something will take and I tell him, "Four Blocks."

I learnt this from Rob; once we were walking somewhere and someone came up to him and asked him how far something was and he said "Four blocks" and they were satisfied and went away, so now that is what I say when people ask me similar questions.

"But if you were supposed to be paid $1000 and you got paid $4, that number wouldn't be meaningless," he argues.

"But it's not the NUMBER in that case I'm interested in, it's the MEANING of the number," I say. "It's what I could BUY with that number that I'm interested in, whether the number be 1000 or 4. It could be 4 gold coins, for example."

Then today at Georgia State there was no PARKING because of a *^%$#@ baseball game, and I will tell you in great and loving detail what exactly I think they should do with their baseball. I had to park at my externship. It was the distance I would walk if I were in a good mood and good weather but I was in the wrong sort of bad mood to want to walk that far.

O and "Robin" read my blog. "95% of it was funny," he said, "but 5% of it was (somewhat objectionable). I'm glad I don't read it that often."

And I forgot to write that he pretended he was drunk the last night in St. Augustine, imitating me.

"blah blah bloo blooooo blooooooo!" he sang. (I had been singing "Syracuse" at Halloween, and this was what he thought it sounded like.) "Robin" had neglected the fine line between imitating "drunk" and imitating "retarded." "Drunk" generally involves many declarations of love. I should be drunk more so that he has a better idea how to imitate me, but I rather doubt he will agree to this.

Mr. Peabody is apparently no longer speaking to me which- that's his loss, I think!

My new friend suggested that things would be easier if we could beam ourselves places, to which I said I would beam my naked self onto you. That ability would create a whole new area of law, wouldn't it? Imagine all the awful old fatties that would want to beam themselves onto me. I would not like that. I guess you'd have to have a card and have someone agree to receive you but still, there would be many instances of fraudulent/deceptive beaming!

What I Did in Florida

2009-08-09T21:33:00.007-04:00

Cruella, where have you been? Are you ever coming back, or what?

Yah well I went to Nashville to see "Robin" and then we all of a sudden (well, he all of a sudden) decided to take a week's vacation and go to Florida. So after establishing that this would not cause my personal bankers to call an emergency debit-card-ectomy on me, we went.

But first I had to do this:

And the Lobsters, although quickly both dead and delicious, exacted their revenge by making the water in the pot overflow which broke "Robin"s" oven. Again. So I did not make Lobster Thermidor but just boiled Lobsters and the Clafoutis didn't happen either.

Well he seemed pleased with his birthday/anniversary (?) presents- a cross, another shell necklace and bracelet and a breadmaker. I also got him balloons and candles and a banner, which made him really happy. No one had ever done this for him before.

We went to St. Augustine, and took a hearse tour, which was a RIPOFF! Those ghost tours are not worth it! The worst part was that the guide asked us -

"What have you been doing since you came to St. Augustine? Walking around, right, just- walking around? Well, that's because the ancient Mayans came here from South America thousands of years ago and just walked around because of the laylines."

This I was not prepared to succumb to believing. The ancient Mayans didn't live in South America, didn't have boats that could go hundreds of miles, and wouldn't have ended up in St. Augustine anyway. He also chided us for being too quiet, but my attitude was I paid 25 smacks so YOU are supposed to entertain us. The tour involved walking around with a thing with lights like a stud finder and looking for ghosts. I would have enjoyed it had he told some good stories, but he didn't, it was some cockamamie muck.

Well, and then we went to Orlando to see SeaWorld and then we went to Tampa and then we went back to St. Augustine and then we went through Savannah and ate at Paula Deen's restaurant and then we came home.

Well a Bad Thing that happened was the car got broken into and the GPS ("Robin"'s GPS) got stolen. 16 cars got broken into. Also the thieves stole a bag of, um, TOYS, from the car which they later abandoned; the police lady was very interested in the toys. She almost looked straight, btw.

"We found something that looked like tools, in a zipper case," she said, "what are they for?"

I thought I would let it go at "toys" but she was rather insistent, and so I described how they are (theoretically) used, because we really didn't play much, which disappointed me.

When I described their use, it did not sound erotic at all. I apparently do not have a future in porn writing, which "Robin" can confirm for you.

Now the GPS being stolen. I just- did not like it. I am old fashioned as y'all know, and on a somewhat unrelated note I might be becoming bionic because yesterday I pulled a rather impressive piece of wood/stick/straw out of my arm? I got attacked by a bookcase (at least that's what I'm claiming) several weeks ago and had a large wound on my arm which has been healing but the wound was getting somewhat bumpy and i squeezed it and this piece of stick pops out of my arm. Isn't that disgusting? So I might be becoming bionic, only instead of having mechanically aided superpowers, I'm turning into a tree? That's disturbing.

Anyway so the GPS, I did not like it because I am perfectly used to navigating by maps. I can understand maps; maps are my friends. I can see where I want to go and connect the dots in between.

Buyt the GPS is not my friend. It unnerved me, because I have so recently learnt to IGNORE disembodied voices. (ha). I don't like that it talks! I find that very disturbing, I can handle machines beeping but not talking. Also I found it gave useless instructions, like turn left in 0.4 miles. That is not helpful to me, because I cannot conceive of 0.4 miles; as many people know, I can estimate neither time nor distance.

Well that is not entirely true; I can estimate distance. But I estimate it as:

Distance I would walk in bad weather if I didn't particularly have to.
Distance I would walk in bad weather if I had to.
Distance I would walk in good weather if I didn't particularly have to.
Distance I would walk in good weather if I had to (about from here to Wal-Mart).
Distance I would walk in good weather if I am extremely angry.
From home to Georgia State
From home to Alpharetta
From home to "Robin"'s house
Mexico.

The GPS doesn't give directions like that, which my directions tend to be "Turn left at the checkers and then go to such and such a street."

And I forgot to point out earlier, we now have a song, or two songs rather; We discovered we both like Van Halen, which is really cool! But "Robin" sang this song which I thought was just the sweetest thing EVER, - (how corny am I?)

and then we both love Elvis' version of Bridge Over Troubled Water. No wussy hippie stuff!

Other highlights: People (not me, because "Robin" doesn't allow anyone around him to drink,) behaving badly.

a three and a half year old girl going round to all the tables in a restaurant and climbing up on the tables, leaning into the candle, and very carefully spitting on the candles to make them go out.

a group of teenagers with an older gentlemen who came from the beach into one of those t-shirt stores and proceeded to wipe the sand/water off of themselves with the store's t-shirts-

And I know I am not supposed to do this but I can't help it.

So the car of a certain person I know needed service so she is concerned that the mechanic will steal the money she has hidden throughout the car. I do not know why she does this. It makes even less sense when you consider she never pays for anything anyway, but makes someone else do it (she always repays them though). So we go to clean out the car, and I want a plastic carrier bag to throw the rubbish away in. She has got piles and piles of old newspapers and garbage in the car.

The first carrier bag she finds is unacceptable because it contains used napkins which she is saving for reuse. That's all I really need to tell you about that.

Then she refused to let me throw away the old newspapers from the car.

Now the other thing was that I bought a lot of food to take up and visit Robin and cook, but I didn't cook all of it. Normally I do two weeks worth of cooking and then he has leftovers for the next week, but we went to Florida. So I bring her the potatoes, which admittedly have probably got frequent-flyer miles by now from going back and forth- if you could get frequent flyer miles by car.

Then I come to help her with the car. The potatoes are all over the ground outside.

O they all went bad, is it? I ask.

No, she says, only some of them went bad, but the rest are "airing out."

eww.

What Cruella Has Been Doing

2009-07-30T11:55:00.006-04:00

Well let's back up as far as I can remember, which was Kim invited me to karaoke somewhere in East Point, and she was the designated driver, so.

I remember everything that happened except for the ride home and it was a lot of fun. Y'all can just imagine, or if you can't, take me and I'll be happy to reenact it for you.

Anyhow this week I am in Nashville with "Robin," not the Robin and Sheela Robin but my not-romance Robin, because I thought everything was pretty much patched up? But he keeps insisting that we are not a couple. Ok fine, but then how come you reminded me of our anniversary? I suppose we can have an anniversary and not be a couple. It's also his birthday.

What do you want for your birthday/anniversary? I ask him.

I dunno, he says, and then after some thought he says I want you to dress up because you always bring everything but never do.

Fine, I say, then I go buy him a breadmaker. He really appreciated the things I bought and did for him, as in candles and balloons and a banner in the garage, I would have made a clafoutis but I broke the oven again.

And this is the first time in a long time I have been able to come up here and not have my head buried in schoolwork, so that is good.

"Robin" also has been having some difficulties at work and has decided to take vacation, rather suddenly, to get over it, so next week we are going to Florida. This is very complicated.

"Robin" wants to go to Miami, which I acquiesce to, I am not sure what there is in Miami but fine. He has a newfound appreciation and interest in "nightlife," which I do not understand, because he does not drink, and do you know any people who don't drink and are interested in "nightlife?" I hope what he means by "nightlife" is not he is going to get his mack on and have me watch and get upset. "Nightlife" to me generally = alcohol. Well if I am in for a nasty surprise let everyone all remember that I (ooo, I'm saving that one) ok- am capable of and willing to put squirrel tails in peanut butter. So there. He wants to go shopping, which they have in Miami, but not in the other places I suggested like Savannah, Charleston, Gulf Shores- that were close to Atlanta. His indicator of good shopping is is there a Diesel store there? He is the worst person in the WORLD I have ever been shopping with because it takes him 4 days- I kid you not- to buy one pair of idiotically expensive jeans. Trust me. He (we have discussed this) buys jeans and polos but pays stupid prices because he wants to look "different." Also he likes to shop at "American Apparel" which has some of the worst quality clothes I have ever seen, I have never seen t-shirts which manage to tear from being breathed on before.

Well I think I shall have to learn how to knit. Anyway I want to stay in hotels on the beach, with a Jacuzzi, because I am generally cold. This might have something to do with my diet, claims "Robin," "You have poor circulation and your arteries are full of plaque because of what you eat." That is quite possible. One word: Popeye's.

"Robin" does not seem inclined to stay on the beach or in a hotel with a Jacuzzi.

"I'm in cheap mode," he announces, "You haven't seen how cheap I can be."

O really. This is making me a little anxious. He was talking about budgeting for the trip and he had budgeted $50/night for hotels and then (!) $10 a day (each) for food - - - (!)

(MAKE IMAGINING SOUNDS NOW, READERS)

(friend, probably Sandi) "How was your trip?"

(me) "It was good! I learnt to knit while watching "Robin" shop!

(friend, probably Sandi) "What did you knit?"

(me) "See, I made y'all a baby blanket."

(friend, probably Sandi) "Exactly what shape were you intending this to be? Do you know anyone who has a long, narrow sort of triangular-shaped baby?"

(me) "ummm, I didn't say I was any GOOD at knitting. For Julio and Iris I knitted a baby sweater, which would be great if their baby had one arm which is 24 inches long and one arm which is 18 inches long and a square neck."

(friend, probably Sandi) "What else did you do?"

(me) "We ate at McDo a lot."

(friend, probably Sandi) "I thought you hated McDo?"

(me) "Well, what we did is "Robin" got this large jar of paste from Costco, and then we would run into the McDo and get a bunch of paper towels from the loo and then we put ketchup on the paper towels and ate paste and ketchup and paper towel roll-ups. They're full of carbs! You should try one! - - - -"

We were originally supposed to fly to Florida but "Robin" prefers to drive and it will be cheaper. I don't know if 14 hours of driving is ok by me, but we are going to break it up into shorter intervals. I asked "Robin" is he going to bring the GPS.

"I wasn't sure," he says, "I thought you didn't like it."

I like it fine, I say, you just never listen to what it says!

"That's because it's a woman!" he exclaims. (Isn't that funny!, ha ha!) I think the GPS should have a programmable voice like - James Mason, that would be good, or Margaret Thatcher, and then it would say things like Keep going straight! No turning now! This lady's not for turning!, and then you'd end up going off the Continental Shelf.

Cruella, it does not sound like you are having fun in Nashville!

Actually, I am but we have not gotten up to our usual antics. Remind me to tell Alex about the lemons.

What lemons?

O "Robin" for some reason does not like lemons, and y'all know you can't cook without lemons. I don't know what he eats ordinarily. He said that he has been on this diet and has been subsisting on sandwiches, two for lunch and two for dinner, for weeks and I don't think that- never mind, I KNOW I could not do that. So I have to hide the lemons and then hope he does not come in the room when it comes to any crucial lemon-step. Like this.

"Are you busy?" I ask.

"Yes," says "Robin."

"How busy?" I ask. "Are you going to be busy for several minutes or what?"

"Robin" is confused. "Why," he asks, and of course I cannot tell him- "I can stay out for a while."

Why, Cruella, what happens if you use lemons?

Last time he found them and tied me up and squeezed them all over me.

O.

And for his birthday/anniversary he wanted "That thing you made."

Then we played 20 questions to figure out what it was.

Did it have wings? I ask.

No, said "Robin."

Was it a mollusk? I ask. Was it a crustacean?

"Robin" gets very confused. It turned out what he wanted was lobster thermidor, which- because I broke his oven (AGAIN) I did not make but we ended up with boiled lobster.

"Robin" was not aware that lobsters are purchased live and boiled alive. I thought he would have seen enough television to know this, or - even if you haven't eaten one, that's just- you know this, right?

But the lobsters were cooked without incident and were extremely tasty. They did not shriek or whatever when they went into the pot. I can also tell you that ONE 1.75lb lobster is more than enough for two people with sides.

Logic Game II

2009-07-29T14:31:00.003-04:00

Cruella and "Robin" wish to purchase matching t-shirts, because they are Dorks with a capital D. The following rules of selection must apply.

Cruella's shirt must be size S and "Robin"'s shirt must be XL.

"Robin" will not wear any shirt made out of that stretchy nylon type stuff although he wears cycling spandex.

Cruella feels stupid wearing shirts endorsing athletic wear, such as "element," "Billabong," "Quiksilver," because as y'all know Cruella is about as athletic as a rutabaga and is only interested in perpetrating fraud if there is some financial gain to come out of it.

"Robin" will not wear any shirt which is black or gray. Except sometimes.

"Robin" will not wear any shirt depicting skulls, crossbones, etc., because they are "satanic."

1) Which of the following shirts can Cruella and "Robin" purchase?

a) a black and white small shirt with "Tap-Out" emblazoned on the front and a black and white XL shirt with "Tap-Out" emblazoned on the front
b) a white viscose small shirt with nothing emblazoned on it and a white viscose XL shirt with nothing emblazoned on it
c) a small red Ed Hardy shirt and an XL red Ed Hardy Shirt
d) a small white shirt which says "How can I miss you if you don't go away?" and an XL white shirt which says "How can I miss you if you don't go away?"
e) a small blue tweety bird shirt and an XL blue tweety bird shirt.

2) Where can Cruella and "Robin" purchase their shirts?

a) T.J. Maxx
b) Burlington Coat Factory
c) some museum at Monte Alban in Oaxaca, Mexico
d) Macy's
e) Forever 21

3) Which of the following is an initially acceptable purchase that is complained of later?

a) a small cotton t-shirt and an XL cotton t-shirt which have Margaret Thatcher quotes saying "The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run our of other people's money."
b) a small black cotton t-shirt which has a picture of an eagle and something unreadable on it and an XL cotton t-shirt which has a picture of an eagle and something unreadable on it.
c) a small blue cotton t-shirt which has the number "32" on the shoulder and an XL blue cotton t-shirt which has the number "32" on the shoulder
d) a small white cotton t-shirt depicting "Mixtec Gods" and an XL white cotton t-shirt depicting "Mixtec Gods."
e) a small white cotton t-shirt with "Tap-Out" emblazoned upon it and an XL white cotton t-shirt with "Tap-Out" emblazoned upon it.

Answers and explanations:

1) Cruella does not know what "Tap-Out" is but "Robin" explains that this is some sort of ultimate fighting thing and anyway T.J. Maxx is cram-full of "Tap-Out" merchandise. If Cruella is going to endorse a failure, Cruella would like to do it ironically, like, "Mondale for President 2012." Some exec lost their job because of this "Tap-Out" fiasco.

b) Those are too plain and "Robin" will not wear viscose, as that is like the nylon. Cruella fails to understand this as Cruella <3 synthetics but then "Robin" explains that they accentuate the wrong bulge. O ok.

c) Ed Hardy is no longer fashionable as everyone except for Alex is wearing it now, and it has skulls and crossbones. It's officially over when Kmart carries it.

d) would have been acceptable except the t-shirt vendor could not produce them exactly the same so no.

e) Cruella decided that Cruella was not sure if Cruella was prepared to endorse what Tweety Bird stands for. Is "I Tawt I Taw a Puddy Tat!" the right direction for Cruella? Upon deep reflection, Cruella thinks not. Also Cruella remembers a lot of the obnoxious girls at Tri-Cities wore Tweety Bird t-shirts. (Alex thinks Cruella is obnoxious and frequently girly but he will have to admit that other than the bling, Cruella is not Ghetto Fabulous. Well, perhaps a little.)

2) a) Cruella and "Robin" decide not to purchase anything endorsing "Tap-Out" so T.J. Maxx is not going to work.

b) Burlington Coat Factory has buzzy fluorescent lights. We all know how Cruella feels about fluorescent lights. Also everything is Ed Hardy or an imitation.

c) This is acceptable.

d) Macy's is full of Ed Hardy or viscose/nylon.

e) Cruella had high hopes for Forever 21 but "Robin" does not seem interested in wearing ironic clothing, like a t-shirt depicting a tie, so he declines.

3) a) Cruella and "Robin" both love their Lady Thatcher shirts and Cruella wears this EVERYWHERE, prompting objections from "Robin." "I thought we were supposed to only wear them together," he grumbles. Cruella thinks the wisdom of Lady Thatcher is too valuable to not spread as widely as possible, including at the Turbo Buick meeting where Cruella's t-shirt attracts more attention than the Hooters girls. This is deemed inappropriate by the Turbobuickers.

b) and c) These are t-shirts which inexplicably feature buttons partway, so are unacceptable to go with the athletic (?!) shorts "Robin" purchased. No one apparently makes tiny shorts designed for cooking or reading a book.

d) These oddly fit both Cruella and "Robin," which is good provided he does not discover that "Diosos Mixtecos" means "Mixtec Gods" and condemns them as "satanic" or "idolatrous."

e) These weren't acceptable to begin with.

Mexico Pictures!

2009-07-16T16:49:00.007-04:00

O! O! This is where I ate Grasshoppers in Oaxaca.

I'm holding a baby sea turtle, which does not like that.

Here I am drinking something called a >>Coco Loco<< on the Pacific Ocean.

Look! on this mountain there is SNOW. This could be Pocopa0 that thing, I can't spell it, and there is my Dad and our rental car.

Here is a picture of the plants in the Botanical Garden, I thought it came out interestingly.

Here is a picture of <> in Toluca which used to be their market, but now is a botanical garden, and is a humanist view of man's struggle against evil. There is very little secular stained glass of note that I can think of. It was built in 1909 under the Porfiriato.

Y'all I had the best time EVER in Mexico and I will have to tell y'all all about it but in the meantime here are some pictures to keep y'all happy.

Go, Cougar, Go!

2009-06-16T10:39:00.004-04:00

Cruella, what exciting gossip do you have for us today?

Well. The BEST piece of interesting gossip I can think of, is there are certain people involved with the program who are like 4 feet tall and totally working the cougar thing, as in, she has been emailing some of the students and is all over the tall and well built ones in class.

What do you mean, all over them?

Well, I mean that she asked one of them (Soviet-Worker Man) >>Is Everything about you big?<<

Cruella, she can't have meant it that way-

Well, she did. And I think you know when you are making a double entendre, me being the Queen of the Double Entendre- as in I have several to tell you later.

I can't object to her taste in men. But at the same time it's kinda odd to see such blatant lust from a cougar, it is all out in the open and then some- when you wear little skimpy dresses with transparent tops, it's kinda like watching one of those bitsy dogs get all hot for a very large dog, and start humping the larger dog's leg with enthusiasm- yah.

Other gossip: Everyone on the trip has pretty much gotten them some, usually with other programme participants- which is very different from Austria-but a couple of them at least have been in front of the Help! discotheque. The ladies there are for rent you know.

Now I have yet to purchase any souvenirs, beyond my bitsy swimsuit, but I am thinking more along the lines of jewelry/one of those birds made out of semi-precious stones and less some antibiotic resistant VD. I- no. Somehow sleeping with random strangers is not so bad if they aren't getting paid for it. That makes it just so much worse for some reason.

I had always had a high opinion of law students and their professionalism, inculculated in me by people like CHITTAM and several of the Jocelyns/Joslyn and even though Mr. Peabody may be ANNOYING, he is Professional. The scales have fallen from my eyes and also let me say this: I do not personally care to find out how much of a bribe it takes to let you off violating drug laws in another country.

But Cruella, you have been good, haven't you?

Well, yes, I have. But- this is the 100% truth- I got drunk and told Robin he didn't know what I feared, (many times, y'all know exactly how annoyi ng I can be when I am drunk) because I got no reassurances from his quarter, so he decided I was being disobedient and disrespectful and !broke up with me!

Over that, Cruella? Really?

That's what I said! I still think I will go see him but the beach is beckoning today so 10b-5 paper is not going to get written anytime soon, plus I have Bar Fitness + MPRE to deal with when I return. So.

Cruella, are you sure the beach is beckoning or are you going to talk to the Mexican Sociology professor?

Y'all know I need to practice my Spanish before I go to Mexico- which, instead of my Spanish helping me with my Portuguese, the Portuguese has infected the Spanish so now it sounds a right mess. I already had a messed up combination of French/American accents, and now with Portuguese added, I'm going to sound like - I have a voice synthesiser stuck in my throat and it's stuck on shop demonstration.

Some great things have happened though, like, y'all know I have been fairly insecure about this whole experience, because I don't like it, and I used to feel fairly adventurous and go off and do exciting things, and I really don't want to be 77 years old and a grumpy unadaptable old man. I am not ready (yet) for the Fixodent Future. I need to be flexible and not so whiny, although law school + solitude + other fears of the outside etc will make you a little loopy. Well, the great thing that happened was that we had to do presentations for International Business Transactions class which preview our paper topics, so I thought, if I do something I already know about then I can spend my time working on quality rather than just putting it together in the first place, right? I'm really gunning for an A in these classes because dammit, I have been working hard and participating and so forth.
So I decided to do Special Concerns in Brazilian Arbitration Law and I found some chap's blog, in English, and I emailed him and he agreed to meet with me! I was so excited! He is the general counsel for Enel and does lots of high-power arbitration work.

This made me excited because it temporarily restored my confidence, a great deal, until I got drunk and whined at Robin about him not knowing what I fear. I felt, I can go to a foreign country where I don't know anyone and make contacts and work my groove thing! Yes! And be successful, so go Cruella!

And then my presentation was successful and a couple of people wanted it. So that was great, and y'all know how I said I wanted to not be That Student?

Well I think I may have become That Student, as in, Well, do y'all know That Student wrote 12 single spaced essay for his final and everyone else wrote 3? So this year I'm putting a page limit on it? But I think, that's a good thing.

Anyway I have a couple more random remarks:

I haven't eaten anything really terrific here. The food is ok, when I do eat it, but nothing has been spectacular.

And there are some mysteries in my building. How can traffic noise carry so well to the 11th floor? I can hear everything like it were right outside my window, and the sheer variety of street noises is impressive. I can hear a child shouting in the street perfectly clearly all the way up here.

The other mystery is, why does only one lift work at once? Every time I leave/enter the building, only one of the two works. Then they alternate during the day. Do they not want to use them up? If there were a fire, of course you aren't supposed to use the lifts anyway, but this building is full of OAPs and how are they going to get out? Then I don't think I've been in a single building in Brazil where all the lifts worked at once.

The next to last mystery (what, this is like the rosary Cruella?) is that I told y'all I had a cold- the same one everyone else has had- but this has been continuing; my body has apparently trying to produce some Guinness World Record for mucus - (ewww Cruella, yuk! Why did you have to tell us that?) Because it has and apparently it can produce a truly astonishing quantity of mucus. O, fond memories of Rio-

I'm astonished that someone tried to kill Jimmy Carter- really? No, seriously? He wasn't relevant when he was PRESIDENT. Next thing you know someone's going to try to kill Reagan, who dead, buried and senile has more influence than Carter. And this time it wasn't a giant swimming rabbit. And Carter's like, ANCIENT, give it a few days. That would make a great plan to kill Carter, I am killing him, slowly, with my thought rays (should I be writing this? Y'all know this is comedic, right? I do NOT want to kill Jimmy Carter. I do NOT want to kill anyone, especially people protected (perhaps?) by the government.) And then in a few years when he pops off because he's like 102, then you can claim credit for it. The thought rays worked! Just slowly.

More >>Fun<< in Rio

2009-06-08T15:43:00.005-04:00

Well- (you non-commenting jerks)- I have all moved into the 21st century, only like a decade into it and started a Facebook. I was totally peer pressured into it. But y'all know, my blog is my first love, and I am sticking with it. So if you want to know what I'm actually doing, then you should read this.

So 4 more people out of our group got mugged/attacked: Streetfighter- someone came up, snatched her purse and she ran after them and GOT IT BACK, which I thought was amazing- and then three other people were walking through a tunnel and got held up at gunpoint. Granted, they shouldn't have been walking through a tunnel, and two of the guys got held up because instead of running like I would have, because I am a ninny, they tried to help. Still.

This has inspired a Gashlycrumb Tinies version of The Georgia Staters in Rio as in:

A is for Alan terminally drunky
B is for Braxton attacked by a monkey
C is for Carol who fell down the stairs
D is for Danielle
E is for Elizabeth, bitten by an infected mosquito
F is for Forsling, Bradley
G is for Gideon, strangled iwth his headband
H is for Harge, crushed by a jealous man
J is for Jameel -
I is for - Iorio, Augie,
K is for Kiwan who should have hid his junk
L is for Laura who opined once too many
M is for Mariana drugged by a bennie
N is for Natalie
O is for -
P is for -
Q is for questions, - had too many
R is for Rhett
S is for Simone dancing too funky
T is for Trina
U is for -
V is for Vint, Colin daSilva, attacked by a cougar
W is for Will, murdered by Crawford
X is for Xavier, attacked with a shiv
Y is for Yesebel, too sexy to live
Z is for -

As you can see, I have not finished it. Also, I have been thinking about nicknames for my classmates.

Soviet Worker man, Eeyore, Dorkula, 1973, Big Watch, Ron Howard, Mr. T, Rapunzel, and Brazil Nuts.

Have you been Good, Cruella?

Well, half and half. I have been Better than I expected to be, but then last Thursday was Will Chu's going away party and I tried to be good and then everyone was going out and I- got peer pressured into going. Well, seriously, when am I going to do that if not here and with a huge group? So I did, and it was ok, and I drank some things called Blue Lagoons?

And the next day I was still drunk. At least I made it; only half the class was there and this was remarked upon by the professor. She did not take it well. No one else went to class. She did say that she did not mind if we slept through class- as one person did- as long as we made it. Ok?

Then we went to Paraty (pronounced Parachi) and it was ok, but cloudy and chilly. At least it wasn't Rio. We did go out on a boat, but it wasn't as boozy a cruise as the last one, and we did play a game called >>Fuck It<< in the dark, which sounds much more exciting than it actually was.

We tried to visit several churches on Sunday, but they were closed.

I did not make that up. Also there was, as a tourist attraction, a man dressed as a slave with whom tourists could take pictures. I do not care to know what sort of person wants to have their picture taken with a man posing as a slave. Aunt Jemima could be bad taste but that is just vile.

Today a few of us went to see the Christ the Redeemer statue that Rio is famous for. We took a taxi, which ended up being rather expensive but I'd rather get mugged with my consent and preagreed price than the other way around. One of the other classes took a field trip to see a landfill and the sewage treatment plant. I was happy that was not our class. Rio smells plenty bad enough already without having to investigate the sources of the bad smells further. The Christ statue was very nice and had lovely views of the city below. Rio is quite nice the further away you get from it.

O and I had a cold, so then I took some medicine called Res- something or other. I didn't know that I felt BETTER, but I certainly did feel DIFFERENT! As in, weird!

Then - there's a long homework involved story, but the homework made me feel better (?) (told you I was sick) and then - I did feel better enough to tell Alison some jokes about pussy, which also involved banana pizza.

If you get curious enough to try banana pizza, you can eat it in Rio.

What Did Cruella Do Today?

2009-06-03T13:58:00.002-04:00

Today, for International Business Transactions, we went on a favela tour.

What do International Business Transactions have to do with a favela? I have no clue either. I would have rather gone and seen a law firm, or a steel mill, or a container ship, or - you know, something to do with International Business Transactions. I can see smelly poor people at home. I do not need to travel thousands of miles to do so. I certainly didn't learn anything about International Business Transactions. I did engage in an International Business Transaction, I suppose, when I bought Robin a shell necklace and a magnet shaped like an ass.

Really.

However, like the little girl in Thurber who found that some book taught her more about penguins than she ever wanted to know, the favela tour taught me more about the political system of the favela and Brazil than I really wanted to know.

Actually, y'all know how I was complaining that this apartment is not cheap nor cheerful? The favela was cheap and cheerful. And it did not smell bad; in fact, quite the opposite, as people seemed to be cooking many delicious things.

There was a long diatribe- actually- many long diatribes about how if you don't mess with the drug dealers, they won't mess with you, and all the violence is inter-drug dealer related, and I thought, that is just like home.

Actually, the highlight of the trip was that we saw a tiny, squirrel-like monkey on an overhead wire.

"If that thing jumps on me, I'm going to scream like a girl," Braxton commented.

O really. "Now I have something to anxiously anticipate," I said, but I was sadly disappointed. No monkey jumped on him, or anyone else, and no one screamed like a girl.

Also various acts of violence were committed against cones by motorists.

Where Are You From? Why Didn't You Stay There?

2009-05-25T17:35:00.008-04:00

Cruella, how is Rio?

Well. See those pictures of me having fun? Not in Rio. They were taken somewhere called Buzios which was basically that place in Florida? Seagrove or Seacrest or whatever? But in Brazil, so it was cute and quaint and probably frightfully expensive for Brazil but it was really nice. I cannot wait to go to some place called Paraty (pronounced Parachi, 'cos Portuguese letters? Are not pronounced like they look. This is not fun.)

But how is Rio? Meaning: Are the Brazilians really hot? And does the water go the other way down the loo, 'cos you're south of the equator?

Ok; frankly, basically most people who are not Americans I think are pretty hot because being non-Americans they are not pasty tubs of lard. I guess, I really haven't noticed? Because Rio is full of beggars etc. so you really develop that thing where you look through people, and they also have people handing out little flyers or something on the pavements. I'm like, it's pre-internet spam! great. Anyway I suppose the Brazilians are better looking. Perhaps if it didn't get DARK at BLOODY 6 O'CLOCK 'cos it's winter, I could go see the beach more. I would like to return to Atlanta with both my ears and all the other body parts I came with attached to me so I'm not going out after dark, like- I Am Legend or something.

This gives me LOTS of time to do my homework, a lot of which I actually do, but I also think I have a new drinking buddy (buddette), who was with us in Austria, and we like to sit around and drink a lot and watch movies and say really filthy things to each other. We have had I think some of the flat out most, um, honest and open dialogues I think I have ever had, so that is a good thing, and said buddette is conservative. Had I known Rio would be like this and I would be in my room a lot, I would have brought more movies. I have: Mildred Pierce, both Eurythmics videos, two Eddie Izzard movies, Madame Bovary, and two things from Netflix, L'Enfer and Betty. I was trying to pack light, and did. O well.

I don't know whether the water goes around the other way, I really haven't noticed much. It doesn't really flush the toilet what you would call effectively- I'll spare you the details- but I haven't honestly noticed.

We're like two blocks from Copacabana beach, which- sounds all exciting and glamorous? But it's actually- like post-apocalyptic Panama City- or the parts of New Jersey that make New Jersey New Jersey on the Florida Panhandle, it's just a huge city stuck right smack on the ocean so although the beach itself is nice, you walk a couple of blocks and everything smells of pee and is grimy and full of beggars, etc. The downtown, where the university is, I like better because it is more dynamic and all but we haven't been to see anything there. Part of the problem- or a lot of the problem- is that we're all in separate buildings so it's very difficult to meet up with and find people and it's also rather difficult to develop a community like we had in Austria where- everyone was in the same place, so there were a lot of doors open and people in and out and so forth. Apparently last year everyone was in the same building, so that would have been MUCH better.

How is your apartment?

Some people (KAREN AND LORNE) have a nice apartment which is attractively furnished, updated, etc, and I do not, mine is definitely furnished in Early Garbage Pickup and just a little grim. Seriously, $10 worth of paint and some fabrics and better lighting and this could be really nice and comforting, but it's-not. Buddette's apartment is worse, it's entirely dingy white, and she has a FLUORESCENT light in her bathroom. At least everything works, and post-meltdown, I have internet. I wouldn't mind it- everything works, like I said, which is nto true for everyone's apartment- but I think because this is the off season, for the price we are paying they could have gotten a good package deal on a nicer hotel somewhere and put us all up in one place and had the classes there. I had to buy an alarm clock, with the whole-waking up for school thing and- that was a challenge- because I don't know how to say alarm clock in Portuguese, so I tried spanish, and that did not work so much to the amusement of my accompanying friend I went up to the employee and said tick tick tick tick beep beep beep beep. This sort of worked. So I have an alarm clock, and because I have to get up and go to class all early in the morning, I bought a coffeemaker. I have a kitchen but it is the size of a hall closet and there aren't real utensils in there. For example. I have no actual teaspoons? But a funnel. And I'm just not feeling the whole cooking thing, which is really bizarre, because I love to cook! When someone else is there to appreciate it. Also groceries here are rather expensive.

Anyway, I do have a fridge in my room, and I have air conditioning, which both work. And most importantly I have internet, so I can talk to y'all and also watch documentaries on youtube about people who have sex with their cars.

I am not making this up.

So my days are basically: Get up early, go to class on the subway, ignore the people passing out little bits of paper, I stop at a place in the street and get a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and a tiny drink for 1,50 R which is like 75 cents. Then I have a snack at break which- is made out of dried meat and is sort of like- breaded and deep-fried meatloaf? Then sometimes I have lunch at the kilo restaurant- which is a place which is like a buffet, but you pay for what you eat. Then I usually come back and have a nap, then it is time to study and then late late time for bed.

Yah, sounds great, right? And there has been a LOT of homework, which- I suppose is unsurprising because we have 14 weeks of class packed into two. But I think part of the problem is that my first class was largely a review of Corporate Finance and Corporations and so I am really angling for an A. And a bunch of the people are pass/fail so they gave no effort. Anyway I still have a paper due in that class.

But Cruella, you used to be all adventurous! You've been to Mexico City and all by yourself!

This is true. I think though that nowadays since a great vacation for me is go to Nashville and cook large quantities of gourmet food and visit with Robin, which is very RELAXING although about as adventurous as new pillows, adventurousness in Rio is not my thing anymore. I think I have enough excitement in my life nowadays what with law school and all. I suppose I've turned the corner from wanting exciting things to happen to me to just putting out a lot of fires. I can't remember how much spanish I spoke the first time I went to Mexico city but it wasn't much. Also Mexico City has a much more easily navigable subway and I was staying with people- actually, I didn't know them at all. It used to be thrilling to go and see new things and all but I am also thinking when I see the crafts, etc, in the markets, been there, done that, don't wear/use it, so I don't get excited about shopping anymore. I just want to go somewhere more relaxing. If that makes me non-adventurous, bof! is what I say.

Bof?

Yah, as in Bof! Like anyone's going to make an Indiana Jones type movie about my life.

What are the other people like, Cruella?

Well. A lot of the people are from Seattle, and I have been busy thinking of something vaguely mean to say to them if necessary, as in the title of this piece. Just in case I need to say it, I have it all at hand. You can't go round unarmed, right? That's my attitude. Most of them are nice but there are a couple of jerks, I think like:

One chap who hit on a friend of mine by asking her, "Can I sleep in your bed?" when he is sort of toady-froggy looking and she is hot:

One chap who borrowed money from a girl in my class and refused to return it. He also distinguished himself by telling various young ladies that they had a lot of nice music on their computers and could he put some on his flash drive, then when they plugged in the flash drive, it contained pictures of his wang.

Y'all that pickup strategy wouldn't even work on ME and y'all know- o never mind. I would be revolted. I don't get it.

I spend a fair amount of class speculating on who is hooking up. If y'all have any juicy gossip let me know, I need some.

O and I have no juicy gossip to relate about me, I have been stunningly Boring. I have been endeavouring not to be That Student on this trip, meaning I don't want to be the person about whom people say, "Did you hear about That Student last year who. . . ?" Well, I have "Mildred Pierce" to help keep me from that.

Cruella, how freaked out are you about that plane vanishing?

A LOT! It particularly spooks me that the plane just vanished, at least of this writing, and I was discussing this with Robin recently and he did not seem at all concerned. And yes, I know statistically that airplanes are safe etc etc, but A) you have to do a lot to get killed in a car nowadays and B) you can survive a car crash, but a plane crash? Unless the plane crashes in like a 15 minute take off and landing window? You are deader than dead. There is honestly no point in paying attention to any pre-flight safety thing, if you fall through seven miles of sky, you are squish. And like a car- I get in the car every day and successfully avoid accidents and so forth, but airplane travel is rather rare, and in response to the statistically safer argument, Yes, I know, but none of those 228 people thought they were going to die when they got on that plane. I do not ordinarily mind flying- at least not for the danger aspects of it, but now I do.

Cruella, did you buy one of those skimpy bathing suits?

Yes, I did, for Robin. We now have matching bathing suits so, um, I feel this will be widely construed as a Bad Thing. I also feel this is one of those Pictures That Will Come Back to Haunt Me in the Future but hey, here you are. Note: I even figured out how to make it not sideways! Are you not impressed?!

Cruella Holds Three Babies At Once!

2009-05-09T23:53:00.004-04:00

Cruella, is it smart for you to put pictures of yourself on your blog? Because- you write things that might get you in trouble.

I just don't know, I figured this was ok. Everyone in law school already knows so.

Cruella, why are you holding those babies all floppy? I do not think I want you to hold my baby if you are going to hold them all floppy like that.

Well, Julio's baby, Nolan, is quite large and floppy. Nasir is also floppy. - They are- about 6 months old? So they are just two big bundles of flop. Jaden, the three year old, is less floppy, but she wanted to participate in the snuggle fest. Olivia also wanted to participate. She is not floppy. Babies love Cruella and Cruella loves babies!

How Stressed Is Cruella?

2009-04-25T17:29:00.007-04:00

Y'all, Cruella is so stressed from this whole law-school-final crap! Cruella just cannot count how many babies Cruella is going to have to hold to get over it, but a whole lot, so when Cruella comes to your house and asks to hold your baby- that would be why.

Cruella, aren't you smart? Don't you have like, a house full of books and you can use the word "hagiography" in a sentence, and you know what someone from Manchester is called, so why is this so hard?

Because- undergrad finals are, you study a subject for the semester, and you sit down and what's on the final is what you studied that semester, so if you paid attention and did the assignments, you're fine.

Law school, on the other hand, you really have no idea what could appear or what the questions could be about. I would write abotu what happened but the exam period is not quite over so I can't but I am pretty sure I flunked bankruptcy, which is bizarre, because I enjoyed the class, but my nervousness- anyway. I thought there would have been a stay question on there, but there didn't seem to be.

Cruella, what the hell are you talking about?

Well, Ok, fine. This is what a law school final will look like, like for - well, any class, but let's say it's Torts.

Today, Gertrude Stein woke up and she was Ida. She walked to the mailbox to get herself a cup of coffee and then went back, and then she went in all directions. After that, she felt worse, so she went to Kroger's to buy herself an octopus. (note, it's not really Kroger's, it's Kroger, so analyse.) The octopus the store sold her had 6 arms and was quite vicious as a result. She came home and gave the octopus to her 2.3 children to play with. One of the children is 3, one of the children is 5, and the .3 child is 2. Ida went to the pantry, which was located in the fourth dimension through a door she had especially installed in the wall by Sears. When she arrived there, she was attacked by a clump of Daleks, who had mistaken her for a clump of geraniums Doctor Who's evil twin had cloned. She went back into the house and a bag of hammers narrowly missed her, striking a donkey which had materialised there by mistake and landing on the octopus. Ida went to bed without kissing her husband or children good night, who were later taken to Neverland by Michael Jackson disguised as Peter Pan.

So given this factual situation, you're supposed to pull out all the torts and analyse them, or in fact this could be tax law, or contracts, or anything. I don't know if that helps but there you are.

Cruella is just all different kinds of stressed: Cruella is, in fact, so stressed that Cruella :

DOES NOT FEEL LIKE DRINKING

REALLY! NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT! That is how stressed Cruella is.

Also, I heard a Budweiser advertisement on the radio, and I thought, that sounded good! And I am no longer afraid to ride in the Dismobile. Therefore, I am losing it.

Now I have been doing Things to get over this, like the other day I took a "brake" from bankruptcy to help my friend do his Brakes. That gives you an idea of how I relieve stress. It was actually quite stress relieving since I rather directed and dragged out tools and didn't do too much of the- no wait, I did. Never mind. It was an even-handed endeavour.

Other things I have done recently to relieve stress:

Commit IIED on Alex, and I have a new Plot to do so.

Hold THREE babies at ONCE, that was very stress relieving; Olivia (no dammit, it shouldn't have an h, and I refuse) took pictures of this but Sandi has not yet emailed them to me.

Go to Nashville and cook and see Robin

Garden

Robin does not understand what is really going on. I keep trying to tell him that all law students are unloveable during finals. It's the sheer uncertainty of the thing that is really overwhelming. Robin seems to think this is something I am doing just to be difficult.

No, if it were possible to spontaneously combust, it would have happened. Seriously. All law students are unloveable during finals: a fair number of them are unloveable most of the time, I am thinking of two in particular I just Do. Not. Like., but I am very much trying to control this. There are a lot of things I have NOT said or done. So I am trying not to be Unloveable, but it is hard.

O I have a joke for y'all, courtesy of KaplanJulie!

They said that pigs would fly when we elected our first black president, so 100 days after Obama's inauguration, swine flu.

Ha ha!

What is in Nashville that you always want to go there? asked Dad.

Anyhow two weekends ago I went to Nashville and the highlight for me of going to Nashville (at least the reprintable highlights) is what did I cook. I can also tell you about some other things that happened.

Robin has now decided he should read my blog, since I spend a fair amount of time writing about him on it.

We did some play but not very much and we went and saw the Bicentennial Mall and we went to the used Book store.

Nashville has a MUCH better used bookstore than Atlanta does, and I am thinking of the one Daniel peed in. They even have- get this- FREE books- which, that just excites me no end. Robin we think is not so enamoured of the bookstore, but- there are worse things in life, we think, than the pursuit of knowledge. I did convince him to take a free book which was called "Object Lessons" which had little Bible lessons and was somewhat similar to a book he had given me, which I did read, something about the Holy Spirit I think.

Anyway, have you ever noticed that used book people look funny? The clientele there- and this was not true for all of them, certainly not true for myself and Robin- but a large percentage of them look like they grew up underground or something. They tend to be bulky, glasses wearing, and Kmart shopping.

Now Robin and I have matching t-shirts which say " the problem with socialism is eventually you run out of other people's money" For some reason people only noticed and commented on his.

I bought a whole LOT of books, which he did not seem to like much, and I cooked pork loin with orange sauce, no comatose potatoes but bow-tie pasta with pesto and bow-tie pasta with prosciutto and peas and tacos al pastor (which turned out inedibly spicy) and regular tacos and flourless chocolate cake and asparagus with orange hollandaise sauce.

O and y'all I encouraged Amber to read my blog but I think I will go back and edit one of those entries because I said some things I would- no.

Anyway how did I commit IIED on Alex?

Well months ago I stole some of his clothes as part of a Plot against him. I still have not been able to find anyone else to participate in this Plot though.

Then since it was his birthday I thought I would horrify him by wearing his own clothes.

Alex was agog in horror when I came up the walk. He had totally not expected this turn of events. I did get him two bags of fireworks, which I purchased on the Cruella gift plan which is buy someone something as a gift that they really want and would not purchase for themselves, like I got Dad that aquarium.

I really wish I had pictures of this to show y'all but somehow I think because Alex was so Emotionally Distressed pictures did not get taken. Anyhow this is unlikely to happen again because Alex's clothes are uncomfortable and look stupid. I felt like I was going to have a Forrest Gump moment any minute.

And Alex had a cookout, which we thought was rather lacking in the extremely drunk department, and that was good, and I got him a card which said, In dog years you're dead,

None of the fireworks were actually exploded.

Also, Bob provided us with absinthe, which after having drunk- I do not understand the need for banning it. It's totally impossible to drink enough of the stuff to go mad. It tasted TERRIBLE. And I understand that you are supposed to do all kinds of things- basically like crack- where you pour it over a sugar cube and put the sugar cube in a spoon and then set it on fire and then throw it at someone you don't like- But I think drinking should taste good without a whole lot of bother, right? I mean, you might be drunk, and are certainly headed that way, so the last thing you need is to be folding tab A into slot B and doing the hokey pokey or whatever to get a damn drink. Rum and coke, that's what I say, or Gin and- well, straight over ice.

Absinthe, in case you are curious but your curiosity does not exceed the $60 price tag, tastes like a particularly vile form of licorice.

I will remember this for my teenagers, if I ever catch them drinking underage (yah Cruella! you like LIVED to underage drink! Hypocrite!) I will force them to drink an entire bottle of absinthe in one sitting. It was extremely anise flavoured, plus some additional dimensions of vile, like- seriously!

It was like the Fourth Dimension of Vile.

Well, first I had some straight, which was horrible but- the alcohol taste improved the vileness, actually, then since I/we did not like it, Bob prepared us a drink with it in lemonade, which was EVEN WORSE. There was more of it and the vile taste of it was even more pronounced.

I just do not understand this! The French are famous for drinks- that- taste good? right? Wine, let's start with wine- and then champagne, brandy, Cointreau, various beers, - and then they come up with this, and Pastis, which- I was passed some Pastis once, unsuspecting, and responded by immediately barfing all over the wall. Y'all these are fraternity pranks gone way too far.

I would honestly rather eat a fairly large dead bug than consume any more Absinthe, or even a fairly large live one. It's clearly intended as some sort of punishment.

Diamonds aren't forever, the aftertaste of absinthe is.

Then Ian and Trey Norwood went to a titty bar, which I do not understand the appeal of that. Yes, I know I am not interested in titties but- that's like going to a restaurant where you can smell the food, see the food, but you can't eat the food. That would just get me worked up and anxious, and frustrated. So I talked Alex and Amber into driving me home, because they were going somewhere- Amber's house, although Alex felt the need to be very cagey about this- although I could have stayed in Alex's house and committed all manner of mischief.

Also porn is readily available now, so you can just stay home and watch it and - you know. And titty bars are kinda dank places filled with the kind of musty people who live in their parents' basements and are - see the used book types.

And I want to know why do porn stores always have that weird smell, like- that funk. There's always that weird nasty fug of humidity and staleness and ew. A sort of plastics and bong smell? Cherry ammonia? I dunno.

Senior Superlatives

2009-04-23T13:07:00.004-04:00

Y'all, I am just slap out of motivation these days, I do not have one single bit left to study or prepare or do anything. It is so sad.

I understand there are senior superlatives for law school, but what the categories actually are, I do not know. Like I bothered to find out!

But I am going to propose some new categories:

Most likely to have skid marks

Most likely to have a law enacted specifically in response to one of his/her crimes

Most likely to sleep with a senior managing partner

Most likely to sleep with a midlevel associate

Most likely to sleep with the Fed-Ex man

Most likely to sexually harass junior associates

Most likely to run ads on late night tv.

Most likely to start some long incomprehensible political scandal

Most likely to start some comprehensible political scandal involving three hookers (one of them transvestite), the Star-lite motel, gerbils, Orajel, a Black and Decker Power Sander, and a Pentacostal preacher

Most likely to go to rehab

Most likely to hook up in rehab

Most likely to marry Holly Hobbie

Most likely to write a memo for the government endorsing torture

Most likely to be a picture perfect couple whose children end up in therapy for the rest of their lives

Most likely to own vacation homes in the Ozarks

Most likely to develop a survivalist camp with a hemp based economy and guns

Most likely to quit lawyering to write really terrible novels that make piles of money

Most likely to quit lawyering to write really dry academic treatises that make no money at all

Most likely to wake up one day as a law professor and find they have turned into Stephens

Most likely to wake up one day as a law professor and find they have turned into Girth

Most likely to use the phrase, "if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit"

Most likely to use the phrase, "I never had sex with that woman."

Most likely to use the phrase, "I didn't have the required mens rea to stick it ALL the way up there."

Most likely to go on television to yell at stupid people

Most likely to go home and yell at stupid people

Most likely to wander the streets of downtown yelling at stupid people

Most likely to be thrown out of court for not using his inside voice

Most likely to commit barratry

Most likely to commit champetry

Most likely to commit arson

Most likely to replace Raymond Burr in a "Perry Mason" remake

Most likely to replace Calista Flockhart in an "Ally McBeal" remake

Most likely to replace Roy Cohn in a "Sleazy Homosexual Government Lawyers" remake

Cruella Fails at Maniliness

2009-04-11T21:02:00.006-04:00

Y'all here is Cruella fail number 1, which is, I should have been able to figure out how to make the picture not sideways, but. I am- yah, computer dumb. Actually, any technology more complicated than- no wait, I couldn't make the jack in the Cadillac work either- so any technology more complicated than- a siphon hose- I am baffled by.

Anyway y'all look at what Alex is wearing, and I am sorry to inform you that he wore this outfit on purpose, and had no compelling reason to do so.

What would be a compelling reason to do so, Cruella?

Well, like- I would wear this outfit if I knew I was going to be set on fire, or - I was going to do something extremely grimy, like mow the lawn- Cruella manages to ruin Cruellas clothes even mowing the lawn- or changing the oil in the car. But Alex had no reason, compelling or otherwise, to wear this.

And- y'all cannot see this in the picture but it looked EVEN worse in person than it did here, as in, it was all -wrinkled. Alex looked like he was all set to compete in the Bumlympics. The 40 oz drink em up! Yuk.

And I BOUGHT him new clothes, NICE clothes, and he refuses to wear them. No, I do not know why! I have some theories though, but one can't have nostalgie de la boue without being OUT of the boue. And ugly clothes aren't more comfortable than nice looking clothes.

Now y'all will realise, that Cruella's Manliness Fail is not exactly News. I am not saying I am the least manly guy around- unlike one person I know, I never drove a triple white Rabbit convertible- Those are only stick shift, if you know what I mean- ease it into first with a little lube, you know? But there was that time Robin and I were playing- and he hiked the football to me, and I was supposed to run.
It was- - - I threw up my hands and sashayed forward like Zsa Zsa Gabor escaping the Martians. So yah.

Well, this week, I have wanted to do everything on Earth except study Corporate Finance, so- finally, y'all know that a tree fell on my house in like, August? And it has been lying back there? And I have done nothing about it because- well, I have been "busy" meaning I have spent my weekends with Robin or car drama or occasionally, with actual schoolwork, or it has been bad weather. Or I had to do something like can mustard.

Besides, y'all, this was a Project, involving rental of a chainsaw and Spencer's help, and Spencer had to additionally enlist the help of some rather smelly compatriot of his named Reginald.

At first I was a little irked because here is Spencer- the yard guy! being all managerial and delegating his duties. He is efficiently outsourcing, believe it or not, and if you knew Spencer this would be even more unbelievable. I'm like, what right does he have to delegate and pay my money to someone else.

This is like the story with Chuchotte, who got her own pet cat, and she clearly regarded said cat as beneath her. At feeding times, she would go and bring this other cat, and watch it eat, and quickly shoo it away, and then return inside to eat her food. The other cat was not allowed to watch her eat, and she did not allow it inside. Cats, she thought, are not supposed to be inside, but she was not actually a cat, she thought.

Then I realised that these bits of tree were bloody heavy so yes, he needed help, but he certainly seemed to spend most of his time telling the other chap what to do. Now my backyard is full of large chunks of tree, which Spencer has said he will come and split with a log splitter at some indefinite time in the future.

This cost $150, not including the chainsaw rental, which was another $150.

Anyway, the latest Manliness test I failed was the Chainsaw test, because a tree fell in my backyard- well, last AUGUST, and I have been thinking I need to have it cuty up and so forth.

I am not really sure why I wanted to have it cut up and hauled away, no one ever goes in the backyard, there could be oil deposits there for all I know. And in retrospect, there are MANY more things I would have liked to have spent the $300 on, like- glitter maybe? Anything to horrify Alex, which does not take much; Food?

But i did, and so I had to go and rent a chainsaw.

Y'all, I was honestly- even in the chainsaw's quiescent state- not even running, I was TERRIFIED of it, like it was going to suddenly become possessed and attack me. I actually- returned it before it was due because I kinda didn't want it in my house?

This may not actually be as irrational a fear as it seems because there certainly was the incident with Scott and Guty and the ceramic frog and I certainly have tripped over many objects in my house and hurt myself. Some of those times, I was not even drunk. Or at least, not VERY drunk.

Once, I was attacked in the dark by a bookshelf.

The Home Depot man wanted me to start the chainsaw and gave me long complicated instructions about push the button and pull this thing out and then pull the string until it pops and then push the thing in and push the button and it will start and he wanted me to do it but frankly I did not want to touch it. At all.

But I managed, or Spencer and smelly compatriot sort of managed, but instead of having ONE large tree, now I have several large chunks of tree, too large for me to move by myself. I am thinking, Spencer is not coming back.

Instead of actually USING the chainsaw, which exceeded my manliness, I came up with a Motto about Chainsaws, which is:

There is no such thing as "a little hurt" when it comes to chainsaws.

Spencer came and used the chainsaw to cut up the tree, and frankly it was more difficult than it looked and I am pleased that I did not do it.

I think the level of power tools I am comfortable with is more like- electric pencil sharpener, is about as vicious exposed blade as I need to get. O, and I am very comfortable with the battery operated style of power tool.

No, I am kidding, I have worked my way past drill to jigsaw and tile saw and someday if need be I may actually use a circular saw. I can also use an electric hedge trimmer.

Also I went to the National Women Judges' Conference thing, and Judge Hatchett came to talk to us, and she had a lot of liberal bromides about intergenerational afterschool care or some such nonsense. She had a story about an 8 year old boy whose mother had abandoned him because she was on crack- and apparently her solution to this- y'all, I am not making this up- was get Uncle Fred who is retired and who wants to learn about computers to come to the school and get computer tutoring from Dylan Klebold who will teach Uncle fred instead of building bombs in his garage. Ok! Yah anyway, I don't see how that's going to help an 8 year old with a crack addict mom, he needs more help than intergenerational afterschool care, and as for the adults who are going to intergenerationally afterschool care- can you say child molester? Not a good solution. It's one of those things that people say, oh it's good in theory but I want to know if in practice it's no good then in theory, it's really kind of crap, isn't it.

And then I met a lady from Iowa who is friends with the judge who wrote the opinion which was upheld by the Supreme Court which allows Gay marriage! So that was exciting. I wonder if the people who are opposed to it realise that-

Gay Marriage: It's not mandatory, doofus.

Because seriously? How many people does it really affect? And it's not like abortion, which is murder. You can't hurt people by getting gay married. No matter how hard you try. And let me also point out that most of the people in the Bible had very UNUSUAL marriage arrangments, it's full of adulterers and people sleeping with their servants to beget children and then Mary, I'm sure Joseph was really convinced when she told him the whole an angel got me pregnant story.

And I have two lols for y'all, and the first lol is, Sandi drooled when she saw a large and unattractive beetle, as in, we saw this large beetle crawling across the floor, and yea it was black and unattractive, and had a ribbed carapace, and she shrieked, "It made me drool!"

Which is a TOTALLY normal response to a beetle.

Fat people, there's just no end to the lols!

And the second lols is that Kim asked me, did you break that chair, and this was the day of limited functionality due to only being able to wear one contact lens, instead of the more usual reasons for limited functionality, and I said, I mistook it for a sheep.

And our litigation trial is over, which is, good, um, I think the whole concept of having different points of view to better encompass a wider range of perspectives is turning out to be- just generally a bad idea.

Anyway, the lady across the street told me there is something happening here called "Frolicon" which is apparently a combination of Sci-fi/fantasy/kink (never saw that one coming, didja?) And- she was explaining to me that- among other things- they have slave/submissive competitions.

What is that? I wanted to know, how do you compete to be a slave?

Well, they have tea parties, and you have to serve tea, or you can be a boot black, she explained.

Boot blacking is a fetish? I asked.
Yes, and she did not mean bootblacking as a euphemism for something- else, like how "Ian" is a euphemism for "smelly troll-faced goatsexual with a bad case of herpes and turnip breath," she meant, literally, blacking boots, it's some intersection of submissive and foot fetish.

Well. There are lots of fetishes these days, so I am going to let all y'all keep track of them. I hope someday to meet someone HOT who has a fetish for someone who sits on the couch and reads 19th century novels and 20th century murder mysteries while putting their bare feet up on the ottoman, or someone who has a fetish for watching someone can while barefoot? Why not?

Now I did not personally witness this, so I do not know if these other fetishes exist as well, just so you know. But if I did, and won the prize for boot blacking, I would not be putting it on my resume. I might even have enough shame left not to tell you about it directly but allude to it, like that thing I did recently which was - I can cross THAT one off my list, it wasn't quite as bad as i thought- more psychologically icky than physically icky but still ew ew ew, yes, there apparently is an end to fat people lols. (unlike Alex, who does not possess enough shame to stop him from wearing above outfit) Let me also say, the intersection of science-fiction/fantasy fans, and people you- at least I- want to see naked, is very, very, very sparsely populated.

This lady and her- whatever, boyfriend? I never ask- not excepted. I don't even want to see myself naked all that much.

O and Curry and Liz had a BABY shower, which I thoroughly enjoyed. There was some discussion of car parts- brakes and calipers!- as well, this being a lesbian baby shower. They will probably get to keep their baby, as his mother is a prostitute who thankfully gave him up for adoption.

I have a lot to say about this, if you want to know.

Anyway, they got two really- I am sure there is a polite way to say this but frankly I do not care- GOOD children from DFACS, which surprised me, because I always thought that the kids that you could get from DFACS were the - I'll use their euphemism- hard to place ones, but the two they have are very nice.

And on a completely unrelated note, I always want to smack someone when they say "ink pen." What other kind of pen is there, morons? That just makes me so irritated.

How is Cruella's Dating?

2009-02-25T23:24:00.005-05:00

That picture kinda says it all, I go on a date and then they look in person like that.

Well, this marks - a bit over a year since Life Without Trey . It has been difficult, but let me tell you-

Oh, you know how you go to a foreign country and you see some word in their language that means something nasty/funny in our language? I finally figured out one for German, Mist, you know how your car has a "mist" setting on the wipers? In German that means manure.

Ha! Ha! Ha.

Well, Cruella, if you tell jokes like this, no wonder you have trouble.

Too bad, I have another one for you. Today for Bar/Bri I noticed we had candy, and some of the candy had Hello Kitty wrappers.

This made me happy. Ooh! Hello Kitty Candy! I said, it's Hello Kitty Flavoured!

Mechelle asked, "What does Hello Kitty taste like?'

LisaMarie objected loudly- you know you cannot go there with Cruella! she said! Do not even try it!

I coulda said, I love cats, but can't stand the fishy taste.

No, I only try to open my mouth at- let us say, opportune moments?

Anyway, I mean, I have been all busy with law school and what not, so I haven't really been Dating as much as I should have, besides, I think I want to see how this Robin thing goes, I am not as much of a trick as some people would like to think!

Yah, like they sit around and invent my bad reputation, no, I think my bad reputation is entirely of my own making.

But this is my problem. For one thing, I don't really go anywhere to meet people. As y'all know, my life consists of school, family activities, Sam's and Autozone.

No there are no cute gay guys at the Autozone I go to, so perhaps I should reconsider and go far afield. I will give you reports from each and every autozone. O! And in terms of Autozone, I made an IMPORTANT DISCOVERY.

Did you know that DIFFERENT Autozones have DIFFERENT prices for the SAME items?

Really! I discovered this because I decided to go and retrieve Moby Dick from Memorial Auto. It has been there for something like 6 weeks? I do not know why. I just wanted the A/C charged.

When I got there, it was smoking. Rick claimed this was because the heater control valve was broken.

Fine, I said, I will go fetch one. I went to Autozone on Columbia.

They did not have one but called round until they found one on Covington highway. Since I have a pathetically low threshold of boredom, I wandered around and looked at things, like what to clean the seats in Moby Dick with, and some kind of oil to put in the Park Avenue so we can sell it and it will not leak out of the valve covers. Said oil was 9.99 at Columbia Autozone.

I go to Covington highway to retrieve part.

"That's not a heater control valve," I said. And it wasn't, it didn't have the- words escaped me at the time and still do- mechanisms on top!

The man looked at it and said he didn't think it was either, but that's what the computer insisted so it was. Anyway, I discovered that the same oil at this Autozone cost $10.99! So the Autozone lady said, different Autozones charged different prices, which- I had no idea.

Anyway, I do not go to bars because I have recently been reminded that for the rest of my life I can either a) drink or b) drive but not both and y'all know how I feel about MARTA. Chittam regularly sends me reports of what smells bad on Marta. Also, there are poor people on Marta.

Not drinking and driving would seem to be a fairly obvious conclusion but you always think, o, I'll just have one, or two, and - no, this is one of those impossibilities. And let me tell you, bars are not a lot of fun, even if you are drinking, and to sit around a bar and not drink? I might as well go to the gym.

Then sometimes I might go somewhere or I might go online. In these instances, the guys that hit on me- y'all I am not looking for supermodel, 'cos I had that, although that would be nice! But they tell you they're 35- and they put up a picture- and they look fine in the picture! Then in person, see above, and you think, was that picture taken with- what, a steam-powered giant camera with the hoods and flash powder? Did they even make colour film then? Because if you are 35- you must be calculating your age in metric. Or perhaps you have been drinking embalming fluid with Keith Richards 'cos y'all both have that nasty leathery look.

Then there are the morbidly obese, which y'all know I am fascinated by fat people. I think it's some kind of asian thing. Unfortunately, they are also fascinated by me, and in a different way than I am fascinated by them, and I somehow have failed to appreciate the appeal of large amounts of pasty white sweaty blubber. No. Lolruses do not equal hot.

And then I went on this one date with one dude - like, a LONG time ago, even before Rick at Memorial auto got his hands on Moby Dick, and I liked the chap and all but he had three smelly dogs (all dogs are smelly, if you ask me) and I thought, if I sleep with him, then the dogs are likely to want to sleep with us too and that would be gross. And I thought, if this progresses, I am likely to have to put up with dogs, and he was not THAT cute. Now I have a passion for cars the way some people have a passion for dogs, but only Alex's car manages to smell bad.

So yah! The whole dating thing. I am liking Robin very much, and will tell you in great detail, and hopefully interpretive dance, about the kinds of things that we did/do, like last time he shot rubber bands at me - which hurt more than you would expect, and he put ice on me, and I made mustard.

That is the kind of excitement Cruella has on Spring Break. other people went to Puerto Vallarta and got married, or went to the Bahamas, and I went to Nashville and made and canned mustard. Also listen to what else I made:

Tacos
Pork tenderloin stuffed with blue cheese and olive tapenade
Shrimp scampi
pasta with creamy pesto sauce, green beans and potatoes
that stir-fry thing I make
two chocolate cheesecakes
Chex mix
pork with camembert sauce
French potato salad (meaning, mustard and no mayonnaise, and it shoulda had capers in it)

And I went to his thrift store and got a pair of trousers Alex is just going to HATE.
HATE. SO. MUCH.

But he lives in Nashville, which is full of - actually, not a whole lot. It's apparently wonderful if you like country music, and I should like country music, because it's like, opera themes, you know! I lost my wife, she went off and married some dude, I'm going to drink whisky- no, whisky drinking is not much part of opera. And country music has pickup trucks, which I hate, and dogs, which I strongly dislike, and not so much in the way of good singing and outfits. Except for Dolly Parton.

We are trying to figure out when we can see each other again. He was supposed to come down, but then something has come up, and now I am in the stressful part of the semester, so it may wait until finals are done and before I go to Rio.

But we had a discussion the last time I was there and it is kinda looking like - we are a committed couple- see above for the reminder of why I had to go to Nashville- and then he said perhaps this time next year he will leave (where he works) and come here. So then.

I still do miss Trey, but then I talk to him every so often and I am reminded of why I do NOT miss him. He is too much work to deal with and will never really be able to help me out. But I miss my mans.

O and I met missdoxie AND Cookie, of "Cookie and the Geese" which TOTALLY distracted me from paying attention to what they were telling us about labour and employment law. I was all like, omg! I know her! That's Miss Doxie! And she hasn't updated her website and given me anything funny to read in ages!

Yes, I Would Like Some Cheese With My Whine

2009-02-10T15:18:00.005-05:00

I'm in Professional Responsibility, but rather than- actually pay attention- I'm going to talk to y'all! 'Cos I feel like it, how about that! Yaaarrr!

Well it has been BEAUTIFUL weather recently, all sunny and warm, which makes up for the 7 degree weather a few weeks ago. So that is all the nice things I can say for a while.

Anyway, what has Cruella been doing recently?

Mainly Cruella's various cars have been stupid. Don't ever have more than one car, or they will all cause problems all at once. Well, two of them are not causing trouble, but they are being Maintained/Improved.

So those of y'all who are not interested in Long Boring Car discussions can skip forward to Whine about MTM.

Lady Thatcher has been out of commission since August, she allegedly needed an ignition module so I bought the ignition module and then got busy (with Robin, among other things- but) and then never did anything with her, thinking, "I'll get around to it" and then of course, it's bad weather, I have to drink all the alcohol in the house so that Robin will move here, there are [redacted] to be [redacted], I have to commit IIED on my brother, with dead squirrel tails," and of course so finally I broke down and paid someone $45 to replace the ignition module. I did go get the battery charged myself. Then she was sluggish and uncooperative, so I took her to Vintage Mustangs to get fixed, because someone there works on Grand Nationals, and I always feel inadequate around Rob Irle. So now after having the coil packs re-replaced, and a few other things done, which should further another goal of mine (eat all the food in the house before buying any more) Lady Thatcher should be fixed sometime this week, also I got the A/C properly working, on the "while it is there" theory- after JD botched it. Lady Thatcher does not have a tag so will have to be emissioned and then tagged, and washed and so forth.

Anyway who cares about the old model code? All I care about is what's on the MPRE!
I hate law classes that want to show you the old stuff, I do not care.

Then Moby Dick- well, he did not have heat or A/C so I thought, while I have the Caravan, I will take him and get heat and while he is getting heat, he can get A/C. Another one of those "I'll get around to it" things to be fixed- but never did, see aforementioned reasons. So Moby Dick went to go get heat and A/C. Now- to get heat, they had to replace the blower motor, and also something which they showed me called a "blower motor module" or something similar, which cost ! 300! It must be made of unicorn bits and gryphon teeth! The whole ENGINE for that car wouldn't cost a whole lot more. What is it made out of? Do you think there's anyone who can repair it? Anyway they got one out of the junkyard but I am still waiting on a condenser for Moby Dick. Some lady put up an ad on Craigslist wanting to part hers, named Eleanor- that is the car, not the lady's name- but then after I fetched the mechanic

Then the Caravan. So I took it to get an oil change, and- this was MTM's birthday so nice possibility of whine segue here- and they took all damn day first about changing the oil- like they had to kill the damn dinosaurs to make the oil to put in the car! By the way there was some man there painting "Employee pricing plus" in those big letters on the front of the dealer- did you know he was going to get paid $1600 for this? And he had one of those JLG lifts so no ladders were involved. Really! Hmmm!

Then they have the car in little bits- the intake was off and some other parts- and they said the transmission was leaking, which I thoroughly disbelieved- but they showed me the fluid on it- and I am thinking, I am quite car-hypochondriac. I would have noticed if it had been leaking. I have experience with cars with iffy transmissions. Y'all- thank GOD for extended warranty coverage. Anyway they claimed later that the rack and pinion was also leaking and claimed to have replaced both.

Please note my extreme disbelief. But the Caravan now has been recovered.

At any rate, I cannot remember how long ago I wrote this, but after much further difficulty, Lady Thatcher was recovered, tagged, and is now sitting grumpily (hopefully) at home while I am in Nashville. Moby Dick is still in the shop, because when They (being Memorial Auto, including Rick, all of whom I would still recommend highly) tried to charge him, the A/c hose burst.

I took the A/C hose to AutoAirPlus on Lawrenceville Highway, where Lady Thatcher had been. For reasons unclear to me, they could not repair the hose, claiming, If I did it, it would suck, and as the hose in question was a suction hose, I thought this was a pretty good pun.

I go to Autozone. They do not have said hose. They can, however, order said hose for a '92, but it will not arrive until the next week. Napa does not have it. O'reilly's can get it the next day.

O'reilly's does get it the next day but it is the wrong hose, as in, the part that they claimed was correct does not fit.

I give up and leave it to Rick to fix and go home and think about making mustard when I go to Nashville.

O- and- I finally broke down and bought a new computer, because Ian put bootleg Windows on the old computer post-crash and it has been grumpy and resentful ever since. Windows KNOWS when it is bootleg and sends me messages every time I boot the computer up (why do we say that anyway? Boot up the computer?) basically, you are stealing Windows, you jerk! Buy the software now or we will stop working at any time! Also the old computer was 7 years old and I thought- sooner or later, it is going to kerflooey. And then I will lose years of exciting files - like- bootleg Eurythmics! That would be bad.

I bought a computer from pacificgeek.com, because it was ! cheap! and I bought a new fuck-off size monitor to go with it, and then the computer gets here and Robin came to set it up and it would not work.
I always feel gratified when I try to do something, fail, and then the expert can't do it either. There should be a German word for this feeling. The-expert-you-consulted-after-you-tried-and-failed-couldn't-do-it-either-freude.

Well then that got fixed, after consulting with the pacificgeek folks- who are apparently based in Nevada? That's a little far from the Pacific if you ask me.

But now I have to transfer all the files from the old computer to the new one. Cruella, you say! You have that external hard drive thing, that should work!

For reasons too boring to get into, it does not. Robin can't figure it out either- did I mention that I brought to Nashville:

3 computers

2 boxes of canning jars

1 food processor

3 heads of lettuce, among other groceries

I don't want to count how many outfits, only 2 of which I am actually likely to wear

I don't want to count how many underwears

many, many movies

- basically, I stuffed the van full, and this is for one person who intends to spend most of his time inside the house working on a paper. Y'all, I packed for Nashville like I am going to the polar regions or something. And I am fully aware of where the Wal-Mart is here, in fact, I went yesterday and bought a lot of food.

I do not understand why I have to take my entire house with me when I go somewhere. I certainly will never manage to be one of those backpacker type people.

I had promised y'all more MTM related whine, so here you are:

So we went out for her birthday, which- let's just say this, it was a MILESTONE birthday, and this was the same day the Caravan was - being pulled into little bits. You know, you think, I have been friends with this person for 11 years, and my car is dead, or in serious trouble, you would get a little sympathy.

No, I do not get any sympathy, I get the demand, are you still coming?

I suppose that if I had absolutely no concern for anyone else's feelings but my own, and my own trivial wants and needs, I would not wonder why I was still single. Also it does not help that you are only interested in people who are, or should be, absolutely unavailable.

I proceeded to then get her very drunk at that awful place she likes to go. Her son dropped me home and we had a very long discussion, about, among other things, the nature of God and good and evil. This is because he is a philosophy student.

And then the following day we went to Leon's which was having a 'soft opening,' meaning, apparently, the food and drinks were free. Unsurprisingly, I was underwhelmed. There was very little food and what there was of it was mediocre, and it would have been astonishingly expensive.

Then we went to the opera Saturday the 28th and saw Il Trovatore, which was fabulous, except she had 5 glasses of wine at dinner and slept through the opera.

I don't think I will do that again! The opera was very exciting. It had one of these- everything but the kitchen sink plots.

Don't believe me? Look and see, It had:

A civil war

Two brothers, separated at birth

By, a daughter seeking revenge because her mother was burnt at the stake for being an alleged witch

one woman both of the brothers were in love with

The brothers did not know they were brothers

Suicide

two executions

Etc, etc., and this made me think, "Macbeth" would make a GREAT opera.

New Funny!

2009-01-23T22:10:00.004-05:00

As thought of by me:

Rejected Jeopardy! Categories:

Things that Smell Like Ass

Pamela Anderson's Diseases

Name the Body Fluid Which Caused This Stain

Presidential Willie nicknames

Sexual Positions Invented by Jenna Jamieson

Things that Richard Gere Has Put Up His Ass

Things that Look Like Sex Toys But Aren't

More joke:

People should compromise in a relationship. This means that two people who want different things should meet each other halfway. One person gets some of what he wants, one person gets some of what she wants. To help you in this, I have devised a handy chart. We show what Men like, what Women Like, and what the compromise should be.

Example: Men like Dogs, Women like Babies, so the compromise is, A baby dog! A puppy!

Men Like: + Women Like: = Compromise
Dogs Babies a puppy

Football + Shopping = Sack the Salesclerk

microwaveable dinner + foo-foo food = TV dinners with Arugula and pesto

Getting head + Getting flowers = Ejaculating carnations

Tits + Dick = Shemales

Wrestling + Oprah = Oprah wrestles her guests

Buying tools + Buying shoes = Buy a wrench, get a pair of pumps

Beer + Cosmotinis = Cosmotinis in a can, by Budweiser

Steak + Cake = Red velvet T-Bones

immaculate lawns + Candles = immaculate wax lawns

Action movies + Romantic Comedies = Vin Diesel and Julia Roberts as Heathcliff and Cathy beating
the crap out of Edgar Linton
in "Wuthering Kung Fu Heights"

Ask Cruella Dearest!

2009-01-07T16:21:00.002-05:00

Q: So, Cruella, Halloween, was like, 3 months ago! What is up with you only posting it now?

A: Well, dear readers, I have been Busy since Halloween, not enough of the Good kind of Busy, the kind that you make to bow-wocka-wocka-bow-bow noises, but the kind that you make to my-head-is-going-to-explode noises. Yah, finals, and they were horrible, and I am still having nightmares about Evidence. And y'all, he asked us questions like what was the 1983 Brennan supreme court decision about?
Of course, I had no idea. And Con Law was predictable, but horrible, and then corporations was a three day take home, which- no. I hate take homes, because it gives me extra time to stress. I feel like Tax was ok but then- Mattingly told us, and he was right, that generally if you feel as though you did well, you didn't because everyone else did well also.

Q: How was Thanksgiving?

A: Well, Trey was supposed- (I DON'T THINK she should wear that. Powder blue + gothy look = fashion disaster. Powder blue suits don't look good on a lot of people, but maybe if you are like, Barbie blond or something, you can manage it. She is not. Did I mention I have seen an unprecedented number of really FAT people today at law school? This should not happen.)- to come down but then his brother got murdered (! really!) and thrown under a train to destroy the EVIDENCE and Trey went to the funeral and then couldn't come down. Robin could have come down but I sought to avert drama by not having them in the same place together. So that passed without incident, and then we had Christmas which was nice, and quiet, and first I went to Nashville right after finals but both of us were under the weather so we did not get as much done as we usually do but rather sat around and talked a good bit. Also I burnt my hand grievously on a pan. And I made roasted red pepper spread and canned it, and No CHITTAM it does NOT have any "secret ingredients" in it. If I were going to do you like my brother I would THREATEN you in advance. O and I saw babies, Julio and Iris' baby, which is sort of monkey-looking, and Freddy and Naomi's baby, which was asleep, and Isabella, and y'all! If you want to get over law school stress, go hold a baby for a while.

And we went to Robin and Sheela's and I hit my brother with a stick.

Then New Year's we had some friends over and I made the I-am-too-busy-to-care food from Sam's and we had fireworks; at one point, I had a contest with (someone else) to see who could fit the largest (unlit) firework in their mouth. I won, of course.

I do not want to describe a lot of the rest of what happened, although I was not personally involved! I was GOOD this time!

but one person is angry with another person for not following through on certain promises, among other things. one of these people also sat in the bathtub for I think 12 hours straight while drinking and I had to hide the alcohol in the trunk of the car.

Did I tell y'all I got Alex shoes and a shirt for Christmas? This is so that he can stop dressing like his mother dresses him out of the trash (which is true) We think he should be Hip and Fly or whatever the contemporary term for looking good is. He isn't going to do this by himself!
The shoes came from Amazon. The shirt- came from Forever 21.

No it is NOT a girls' store! They have guys' stuff too! Shut up! Last time we were there (Robin and I) we rather inadvertently discovered we were in the men's section, not really knowing that there was a men's section, because it's like sweatshirts and jeans- never mind. Anyway, if he wears this, he can look all, you know, not like a bum. Sara laughed a lot when she heard of this but, she of all people should know he needs Help.

Alex consented to wear one pair of shoes but is afraid of the other pair.

He is currently threatening me back with the Dismobile, but I have something infinitely worse in store for him. Even worse than the squirrel tail.

Halloween!

2008-11-13T13:10:00.003-05:00

Someday I will put up pictures of Halloween but at the moment they are not all scanned so y'all will have to ask me to see them in person.

The parts of my party that I remember? Were fun but I frankly do not remember much of it. But a good deal of what transpired later was described to me by someone who should know, as he doesn't drink, and he was much surprised.

This was his first Halloween party ever (? how exactly does that happen?) and I do not think he had expected that level of debauchery; it was so extreme that even I do not want to discuss it. Let us also say that it was a Very, VERY Good Thing that Alex, etc., left when they did. I did what I had fully intended to do but then.

One more time: There were parts of what happened that even I refuse to talk about it, and Ian and I are "brilth," that is, brothers in filth. As in, my goal is to someday say something so vile people's hair will catch fire.

I thought I had no sense of shame, as in, it had all dried up and blown away? Or melted? But that turns out to not be entirely true. It may be rather small, and hiding, but it did hit me full force.

Then we did some other things for the rest of the weekend that I will not discuss, but I was talked into them, and at two places I spent a great deal of time contemplating my toes.

Suffice it to say, scrub and scrub and never feel clean, and "No More I Love You's" except old and fat. This was one of those things where- I always thought it would be kinda hot, but then- theory does not equal practice.

Kinda like lesbianism, where you are all like, you're into chicks, I'm down with that! but aren't chicks, like, the sex which wears makeup and dresses and is pretty, and ? - this is not a chick. This is Elmer Fudd.

At some point, before I (blank), I discovered that one is no longer allowed to use "diggity" to modify the word "bomb." Since I can relate this discussion in its entirety without fear of being disbarred, in advance, -

I mentioned Arts and Letters Daily.

I LOVE Arts and Letters Daily, said Rebecca!

Arts and Letters Daily is the Bomb Diggity, I responded.
This remark met with considerable derision. Apparently, while it is still acceptable to observe that something may be the bomb, it is no longer acceptable to modify this metaphor with “diggity,” lest people think you are all stuck in 1995 and are going to buy a pager to go with your Fubu.

Also Christmas is about to be upon us (no, it has already happened it this point, I have been stuck in law school finals HELL0) and apparently presents have to be purchased. After three visits (during each of which I managed to get drunk) Robin is broadly hinting at what I should buy him for Christmas.

“Mommie Dearest,” I responded.
“That’s only $12,” he answered, “that’s not much of a Christmas present.”

This is true, but Robin seems to be ignoring the fact that A) I am in law school and B) for him, some of the best things come in small, tight, smooth packages, i.e., my ass. That he can have.

“Why don’t you get me something you’d like to see me wearing,” he suggested.

Well, that would be fine, maybe, except to tell you the truth I do not much care what he wears. He is certainly a nice looking chap but you have to remember from whom I came, yes? He- um. Kinda dresses like my brother? Jeans and ancient sweatshirt kinda thing, and only since he asked did I pull out a blazer and suggest that but he said that was not his style, so fine. He is much more of the Nike shoes type, and so while he was here we went to Niketown at Lenox and – I was nonplussed by Niketown. I do not wear sneakers, they do not go with the kinds of outfits I prefer to wear, and- I don’t sneak, nor do I play tennis, because I cannot get anyone to want to play tennis with me, so where would I wear them? Also I am often at work. I am more of the clean metrosexual Eurotrash hipster type, I think.
So not wearing sneakers, I am not really qualified to evaluate them. I had heard of $100 tennis shoes and so forth before but I had never really contemplated them, like you hear of diamond collars for dogs? But have never actually seen them?

Anyway, I realised that these sneakers cost as much as- what I would consider a fairly expensive pair of dress shoes. One of the pairs looked to me like- if the Goodyear blimp were a shoe, that would be it, and another one looked like it was made out of flayed Spider-man and another one was a lurid shiny blue and had “Puerto Rico” emblazoned on the toes.

No, I do not know why.

If you wore these shoes, people would have to come up and tell you to turn them down.

Anyway, I got Robin yoga socks- did you know that there are special socks for yoga? I did not know this!

I am not really sure what yoga is, but I understand it involves stretching, I did not know it required special socks. Huh. And he wanted yoga pants as well, but-

He had many requirements. "they are like jogging pants, but somehow not jogging pants, and they can't have a certain kind of fly, and they can't have the drawstring on the inside, and they are like pajamas but not really - - -" he explained, so I abandoned that. I am not that picky about my clothing; I just want Alex to be as embarassed as possible.

And I made him a picture! It says, "trust in the lord with all your heart" and has a praying figure on the globe. And I got him "Mommie Dearest" and something called "The Transporter" which was Blu-Ray and everyone I have spoken to likes it. Also I gave him "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged," which he is enjoying.

ooo IIED and Alex! Ask me about it. yes! As y'all know, I have been Plotting to Intentionally Inflict Emotional Distress on Alex for some time now.

Alex's cat caught a squirrel and ate it, all except for the tail. Ian and I found the tail.

Now you tell me you wouldn't think this was a perfect ingredient for a fun prank!

So I put it in a jar of peanut butter so that someday Alex would open it and aaah aaah aaah!

But he did not open it. Sailor Moon opened it, and we did not get the reaction we were expecting. He was more like, Huh! and then did not even shriek or anything.

Then the following week of course he went straight for Alex's fridge and Ian and I giggled at each other about this. Is your sandwich GOOD? We demanded, and tittered. Sailor Moon was unfazed.

Anyway, I did find something to up the ante, so wait until you hear about this one. He is really going to be Emotionally Distressed.

And then my water heater exploded twice, and that was not good.

O and I have two new funnies.
You know what would be funny? if Bobby from King of the Hill? Turned into a cockroach, like Gregor Samsa in The Metamorphosis.
Hank: you stop foolin around there bobby, right now, and change yourself back!

Or if the yip-yips from Sesame Street? Were introduced to K-Fed and they would be like, yip yip yip, douche-bag, douche-bag- yip yip yip aw haw- aw haw- douchebag.

Really Ugly Beds!

2008-10-23T17:54:00.013-04:00

Y'all did not know this, (or more truthfully, y'all totally do not care) but my Friend is supposed to visit from Nashville for Halloween so I am making vague stabs at making the house look more like one college educated human being lives there and less like a large family of alcoholic badgers lives there or it has been ransacked by goons. (there must be a collective noun for a bunch of badgers, like an unkindness of ravens? Or a pride of lions? Look it up). Part of this involves- well, I have sheets and so forth on the bed I ordinarily sleep on but that bed is small so I want to buy sheets and make the other bed look- well, normal. Yes.

First of all, did y'all know how much sheets cost? A LOT. I had no idea! Like a nice suit? Each piece? Can cost less than a set of sheets and I'm thinking, now what exactly is there to a set of sheets. It's like, some fabric with some hemming. I'm used to paying $3 a yard for really fancy fabric so.
Let me list several things that cost less than a set of sheets, but I think should cost more.

Many electronic things cost less, despite being full of Magic. (O yah? How do YOU think a CD player works? Just ask Alex and see) Sheets do not have any Magic in and of themselves.

Kittens can be frequently obtained for FREE and I want to know what is more full of Magic and Adorableness than a kitten.

Books! You can get whole piles of books for less than a set of sheets.

Same thing with CDs or music, I think you could probably buy the entire Michael Jackson catalogue for the price of a set of sheets.

In a few weeks you might be able to buy a majority stake in GM or Ford for the price of a set of sheets.

You can probably buy a whole house in some parts of the country for less than the price of a set of sheets.

You can probably buy every bit of Joe Biden branded memorabilia for less than the price of a set of sheets.

You can probably buy Calista Flockhart for less than the price of a set of sheets.

A tire costs less than a set of sheets, and that's WITH mounting and balancing. Like seriously, y'all!

And y'all know about my parents (no wait, y'all know about the lady who insists she not get named in my blog) and like she has about 8 million sets? But I am thinking, that A) I want them to match- in the hope that gradually, bit by bit, my house will improve- fighting back, you know- and then eventually it will all be tasteful and reasonably attractive B) I want them to fit, because this certain lady has no concept of "size" or "fit" or "didn't come from the trash" and C) like, they shouldn't be spotted or stained or tacky or anything? And I realise that they will shortly become stained (hee) but I do not want previous stains?

Shut up! I am making vague stabs in the direction of being normal.

But anyway, so I have been trying to buy these things and look at the really, really ugly beds I found for you! There are a whole pile of these so if you are not busy you can find your personal favourites and think of snarky things to say (does not work for Alex.)

Y'all! I am NOT making these up and I did not find them in a JCPenney 1978 catalogue. Fine, if you think that I am, you can click on the title to see them for yourselves.

This was the first picture I saw and I was like, AAAAH! Just the thing for someone who craves waking up with their face in a deer's ass.

But suppose you don't want to wake up with your face in a deer's ass? Suppose you think, that's great, but I'd rather wake up with my head in a bear's ass, and can't find big fat hairy gay guys where I live? (then you're living in the wrong place, but still)

There's also this, and surprisingly, the painting of the dogs playing poker is not offered as a mandatory accessory. The fools!

This bed features the type of setting featured in "The Shining," or "The Blair Witch Project." Guaranteed nightmare-fodder.

This bed is called the "Glamour Bed." Before I saw this bed, when I imagine "Glamour," it was more Fanny Ardent? Now, after having seen this bed, when i imagine "Glamour," all I can imagine is so violently purple.

This was the bed on which Strawberry Shortcake had her first, and fatal orgasm. She immediately exploded.

This is the ideal bedding ensemble for someone with a severe explosive digestive problem, someone who poos the bed on a VERY regular bases. You should put it in the same room with the Strawberry Shortcake bed and see if the world ends.

This bedding ensemble is called the "Jive" Bed, and if you can figure out what connection it has with "Jive," please let me know.

This one is called the "Southwestern Bed." Somehow, when Dad and I went to visit the Southwest in '96, we missed the shades/tints of fuchsia parts of the Southwest.

The violent cabbages depicted here, in black and white, should star in a film noir. Please note the foreboding.

Someone who is - well, not entirely right in the head apparently lives here because they have apparently crammed all the furniture they could find into one corner of the room; else the furniture is huddling in the corner and trying to make itself invisible because the owner has an axe AAAH AAAAH AAAAAAH!

And Now, the Weather Report from Wrongland, Brought to you by Alex.

2008-10-22T12:52:00.002-04:00

So Alex and I have been having some variety of Interesting discussions recently. Since we do not think he is actually retarded, the next best explanation is that he has a cable subscription to Wrongland satellite TV and has been getting his news and information directly from there.

Saturday I was driving between Saniel's house and (somewhere else) after having been to Macy's- with Sandi, who now says she does not want to go shopping with me for a whole nother year- because I did buy a lot- and all of a sudden I see: The Unmistakable Dismobile! So I ring Alex to see where he is going. He is very surprised. I then meet up with Amber and him at Manuel's.

I make sure I show Amber and him the outfit I purchased at Hot Topic for Robin. AAAAGH, he says, what I have seen cannot be unseen! AAAGH!

I promise to send him a picture text of this from Robin's phone. (ha ha, someday when he least expects it- he will open his phone and then aaah aaah aaah!)

Also Amber has apparently gotten him to speak with punctuation, which is an improvement. Although he continues to mumble.

This day Alex is wearing long johns on the outside of his clothing. I do not know why. I criticise this. "The underwear on the outside look? did not work for Madonna and it is definitely not working for you," I point out.
Alex disagrees. He still thinks it's 1993 and he should dress up like Kurt Cobain.

Then he declares his intention to wear flannels and overalls.

Great, our parents are going to be thrilled: I dress like a twink whore and Alex is going to dress like a pig farmer.

Alex claims that many people covet the Dismobile and frequently offer to buy it, "you're just never there when this happens." But by his own testimony, the people who want to buy it are Bob-Marley High and, as I observe, do not have the wherewithal to actually consummate the purchase, (or probably much else).

Alex objects to my use of the word Wherewithal.

Why do you have to use all those big lawyer words? he asks.

Sigh. Just because YOU don't know about something, I point out, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist or that other people don't know about it.

That is just one dimension of wrong! Here are some more dimensions of wrong he has been living in recently.

Alex is registered to vote in this election, which is- sort of good? And he is intending to vote for Bob Barr. Fine, I say. But this is a problem because he vehemently disagrees with Ayn Rand in his further attempts to Be as Unlike Me as Possible.

Mind you, we do not think he knows exactly what Ayn Rand thinks, but he does not like her because of above reason.

Now, you can't dislike Ayn Rand and also be a Libertarian. Ok? We all know this.

Alex disagrees. Now he's just making up beliefs for his candidate. "Like you can be an existentialist and not like Camus," he says.

For once, he has me there; I am sadly the French major and have never read any of Camus. So I can't disagree with him, because that is a subject I know nothing about.

Dad is present for this argument. For once, he says, (We object to this) I agree with Cruella, you can't like Bob Barr and not like Ayn Rand.

But Dad thinks that Libertarianism is going too far; I like that the meat and so forth is inspected, he says, they used to put all kinds of terrible things in it before USDA inspections.

I point out that the inspections haven't been going all that well so far. They've been letting in all that food with melamine!

But Alex does not believe in melamine. "I don't believe you," he insists. "I never heard of melamine."

Just because you haven't heard of it doesn't mean it's not true, I say. I go on to explain what melamine is.

"So what's wrong with that," he asks, "people eat coal."

Dude? WTF!? No, they don't.

They eat charcoal, he insists, like if you get poisoned, you eat coal.

No, I say, charcoal is to make you puke after you get poisoned, and coal is different from charcoal. I explain how charcoal is made. Alex insists that charcoal is made out of coal.

Now my LSAT class all wants to meet him because they have been hearing about him and want to see what he is like, (and is he deserving of my attempts to Intentionally Inflict Emotional Distress on him) so they wanted him to come to Los Loros tomorrow night after class for Margaritas.

heh he said, i dont know

O? I said, Why? All three of them are very anxious to meet you.

well he said, i might go do hot yoga tomorrow

Why? I asked, What is hot yoga, isn't yoga like, stretching?

hot yoga is like, and he started giggling- where they heat up the room to like 90 degrees- chortle- and then you do yoga.

I do not entirely understand yoga but I do know that MTM does it, so I do not think I want to, and also I think it is one of those liberal-hippie type things to do.

Why would you want to do that? I asked. Can't you just take the seats out of the minivan and park it in the sun in July and do yoga?

well he says, chortling, I heard it makes you sick so i want to see if im going to get sick doing it. dont you ever try to do something to see if it will make you sick?

Um, no. And as y'all know, one of my lifetime goals has been to persuade someone to eat an entire quart jar of mayonnaise. Thus far, (probably because I want him to do it) he has refused to do it. I still think this would be a life changing event, like you know how Ian begins all his sentences with, "when I was in Thailand?" You could begin all your sentences with, "When I ate the entire jar of mayonnaise, Before I ate the entire jar of mayonnaise, and After I ate the entire jar of mayonnaise." And he did drink the entire pint of Texas Pete, so why not? I demand an answer.

Sigh. I do not know what is wrong with him but I disclaim all responsibility.

He did go with me to pick out a Halloween costume (Robin and I are going to be a football player and cheerleader, sort of a la King and Queen? Don't dread this.) I I did not see anything sufficient. I almost got him to help me pick the sluttiest outfit. Anyway if you are reading this, you can come to my party! Just ask me.

You have unique (knees)

2008-10-14T13:32:00.003-04:00

So I went to Nashville this weekend, and- it was absolutely wonderful. Sigh. I was told I had unique (knees) which I was previously unaware of.

Since a number of people have loudly objected to my descriptions, I'll say this:

Three different types of batteries were purchased for my trip.

Since y'all generally object to my other descriptions of what I did, I will now describe the food I cooked. I made: Salad with french fried onions, and bacon; gougeres for the first time which were delicious, and pork roast from one of those pork roast kits? It woulda been awful but I reseasoned it, and added a can of tomatoes and cream of mushroom soup and roasted it in the oven. And I made flourless chocolate cake and quiche.

And I made That Face. A lot.

Well, I guess we'll just see how things go. I can't move because I need to get a job after school and
A) the job market is probably better here than in Nashville; at least it's wider
B) law doesn't work like other university degrees; lawyers hire other lawyers based on the reputation of the school locally. Lotsa lawyers know GSU here, but not so much in Nashville, and we can't compete with Vandy grads. Also there are more federal agencies here, which is where I would really like to work after school. Like SEC! CDC! Fed Reserve!
C) I do NOT want to take more than one bar.

Anyway, I did check with the registrar today. I thought I would be able to finish early in Dec '09, which would save a pile o' bux, but no, it looks like May '10. I do not understand this: I took the 6 credit hours, two classes, during the Austria trip, and then 3 extra credit hours during this term with the externship, so isn't that like 3/4 of a term ahead? Apparently not; I require 90 credit hours to graduate, and at the end of this term will have 53 with 37 left to go. That would be 16 credit hours one term, (like now) 15 Fall '09 but require 6 credit hours of summer classes so no, I do not want to take summer classes.

Now the other day I got free tix to see a play at the Alliance. I heard "free tix to see play" before I thought of which play it was going to be, so I snapped them up- and then discovered it was "Managing Maxine," a play in which a 70 year old lady finds love "for the first time."

So I went with Dean. Let me say this: it was the theatrical equivalent of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese; a fairly acceptable, if bland, and entirely predictable form of entertainment and offering no surprises or really toothsome substance. You may extend the analogy as necessary. I frankly- well, it stirred up my bile. This was the World Premiere and I do not know if there will be a Secondaire but Dean seemed to think it would be headed for Tampa dinner theatre.

Anyway, it featured a fair number of contrived obstacles to the romance between a "feisty" 70 year old lady and a retired federal judge. We were treated to old lady boobs, just so you know.

Also more amusingly, this show offered much opportunity for people watching, as in, the audience was generally really old and frequently entertainingly attired? As in, one of the audience members was wearing a sort of plastic brace thing on his chest? Which completely stopped me in mid comment, I was so shocked.

Dean was equally astonished. WHAT is he wearing? he demanded.

Shhh! I said! It's his exoskeleton or carapace, he's an insectoid! He's half one of those wasps that - if you attract his attention, he'll lay his eggs in you and when they hatch into larvae they'll devour you from the inside out! Don't make eye contact or you'll anger him.

O and at least one audience member got rip-roaringly drunk and felt the need to shout at the performers on stage. I believe we were accosted by this lady after we left the theatre: we were driving alongside her when she, in the back seat still clutching and waving her drink, rolled down her window and shouted "yoo hoo! How y'all doing?"

We were riding in Moby Dick, so I shouted back, "We're having some Grey Poupon!"

This amused the lady. "My brother took us out!" she shouted back.

The unfortunate brother was driving, and objected. "I want to DIE," he observed.

So see, Alex, other people have siblings who publicly embarass them too, you are not alone.

Cruella Has Been Busy Making Liberals Cry

2008-10-08T13:47:00.003-04:00

Ok, so it was only one liberal, I still get Ann Coulter points though. Which, could kinda be a bad thing? I'm not at all sure I want to be like Ann Coulter.

Anyway, this happened in the course of an argument -Dean and I had beend iscussing a variety of things, including Caribbean resorts and the morality of going there when they're full of poverty- which I am all for (going there, not the poverty) because seriously y'all, I am sorry they are poor and all? But not going there isn't going to help and it does make some people's lives better. Dean seems to think that Sarah Palin is pretty much Lester Maddox in a fetching skirt suit, and of course I disagree with this, and then were discussing alternative energy and he said that we should use more of it, so I pulled the Ayn Rand card and Questioned His Premises- as in, what alternative energies? And he used the line about well, we should spend more on research- and I pointed out that ExxonMobil etc had probably researched this stuff to death because if YOU think the oil is going to run out, then what do you think THEY think? And what would they do if the oil ran out? So it's BEEN researched, that's not the problem, the problem is that "alternative" energies are not economically viable- it's always going to take more energy to create a gallon of ethanol than is contained therein- and then he started crying because he realised he knew nothing. I do not want to make people cry but then you should not be all liberal around me either.

I went to Trackside because Ian encouraged me to on Friday. I was all busy having a bath, because Everyone (you know who you are) had declined my offers of pie and wine- (think about it, doesn’t that sound good? Wouldn’t you love a really nice warm berry pie- with ice cream, and flaky crust- and some wine? If you don’t, shut up.)

So I had gone to the Thrift Store and was busy eating Trashy food (hot dogs with that plasticky cheese) and reading a trashy book in the bathtub.

So, discoveries were made! Alex is now trying to shove his embarrassment on Joe, because I walked in and demanded of them, “Did y’all find me a nice man to have sex with yet?” And Alex tried to blame his immediate embarrassment on Joe, like when Heather (God rest her soul) tried to blame Trey for putting a hole in Freomi’s wall when Heather was kinda- sitting in the hole she had made in the wall with her big fat ass.

And then- did y’all know Ian has acquired the rather annoying habit of beginning every sentence with “When I was in Thailand?”

This aggravates me as it indicates an insufficient level of interest in ME. A shift, if you will, from the Rightful Centre of Attention. Also this strikes me as a rather Tennessee Williams esque allusion to Ruined Grandeur? Sort of?

I objected to this by finishing Ian's sentences. "When I was in Thailand" - - - I grew a horn in the middle of my head, the sun shone out of my behind, I could rub my tummy and pat my head at the same time.

I had too many drinks to discover anything else that I clearly remember. Ian and I did have a long politicoeconomic discussion about tariffs. I did object fiercely to chicken wings being very close to me, because Ian kept pawing my sleeve after eating said chicken wings, which could have been a problem because said sleeve was A) white and B) part of one of the few pieces of nice clothing that I own and drippy chicken wings + nice white jacket = :( At least for me.

Anyway, I have one political view, and my (class that I teach) students have another. They are very pro-nature.

I am very- well, I like nature, but in very limited doses. Nature is, for one thing, great for separating me from Other People. I have a fair amount of Nature around my house. I would have more were it possible.

Nature provides great backdrops for me to ride through in a car, or perhaps on a bus, and harass Suzanne (Didn’t We Almost Have it All) Wakefield to teach me to knit.

Nature has Frogs which you can threaten other law students with, and upset Mr. Peabody because you are harassing the frogs.

Nature is good for walking around in and looking at, provided that you got there in a climate controlled car and are going to your climate controlled home in a climate controlled car the same day to eat food that you bought at climate controlled Wal-Mart which was all nicely packaged for you and you don’t have to eat things like yamioc out of the dirt.

When I think of nature, it’s like, it’s nice to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there, like- New York, or Paris. I think of Nature as- Scarlett grubbing the dirty turnip straight out of the ground and shouting “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!” So on the whole, I think it is a Good Thing that Man dominates Nature, particularly when the Actual Productive Acts of Dominating are Done by Other People, because Instead of Doing My Corporations Homework, I am Typing This Blog Entry, and You Can Get Away With That In Corporations Unless My Dad’s Angry Twin Calls On You But in Nature That is the Kind of Laziness that Leads to, oh, Say, the Dust Bowl.

Ok, I promise not to overcapitalise for the rest of this entry.

Granted, I think Man is particularly bad when he dominates nature by making it into boring things like baseball fields or football fields, places where a stunning amount of incredible boringness is contrived, even more than that on C-Span.

But Nature, outside the Box, is not so good, like it can make hurricanes! That want to kill you! Right?

In fact, generally, nature DOES want to kill you; trees, for example, could fall on you, if they were not stopped by the perhaps convenient medium of your house being between them and you, and I should know because this happened not too long ago.

Animals bite, trample, maul and devour and- wait, there goes that voice again. What’s that you say? O it’s the voice of my inner 13 year old girl, telling me a Pony would never do that.

Well little girl, let me tell you this: Ponies- grow up to be horses- and have you ever looked at the TEETH on a horse? Let me tell you- they could chomp the ever living crap out of you, horses just don’t think to do so. But they do kick, from what I understand. Anyway, I saw that movie about the man who went and messed with the bears until they ate him.

But another little voice says, but what about your personal experiences with nature? You don’t experience it, so how do you know?

Aha! I say, but I have! I have experienced it enough to realise:

Nature is ungrateful and stupid.

Sunday I was all like, I have to study! But it is nice outside! So I will sit outside and study.

This attracted the attention of a couple of solicitous yellow jackets. They developed a compelling interest in my feet.

I, sadly, failed to appreciate this interest. Interest by yellow jackets can frequently lead to unfortunate consequences for the interestee.

The solution to this would be go back inside, but I was not willing to do this and be defeated by Nature, so I thought of a compromise: I would come up with something that the yellow jackets could be interested in- indeed- benefit by- I would be generous- and leave my feet alone. Which were bare, mind you.

So I got some juice and put it in a tea light holder some small distance away. Did this lure the yellow jackets away from my unfruitful feet? (I had just taken a bath, so shut up. They did not smell like a dead opossum)

No it did not, stupid yellow jackets. There’s ungrateful and stupid for you: insects.

And how can you get more natural than insects? Dirt, by the way, is stupid and ungrateful also. And out of curiosity; how are yellow jackets sexed? Like most bees are not fertile but sterile female workers, and then there’s the queen, and then there are male drones to fertilise the queen, but have you ever heard of a queen wasp? Wait, I guess Teresa Heinz-Kerry would be kinda a Queen WASP. Hee.

Anyway, I like Nature, but you know, I am all aware of the fact that Nature does not always like us, it frequently involves elements of cold, damp, biting, stinging, that kind of thing.

There was some discussion of this in class, based on something we had read dealing with Nature and the need to control it or something. Nature when it is left alone is best or something along those Idiot Rousseauvian lines.

And I agree, pointed out one (the only actual, as far as I know) lady in the class.

This lady has the sort of appearance that- well, indicates a more than passing familiarity with straightening irons and moisturisers. Like, not going out for beaver buffet! Not the ballcap and sweats and faint mustache kind of “lady”. So I am thinking the lady and nature would, in reality, have more of an adversarial than cooperative relationship. She looks like she cannot go out of a 5 mile radius of an Elizabeth Arden. But she does work for TFA teaching 1st grade so she is pretty! And tough at the same time! I admire her.

But I point this out. Nature, I observe, is cold and damp and full of things that bite and sting.

So are we, she replied.

Although I do NOT invite you to personally verify this, I am NOT cold and damp! I tell lady. Nor do I bite or sting, unless you ask!

Really, people have complained that I got drunk and babbled, or – well, got drunk and ______ but no one to date has complained that I have ever been cold and damp.

All three of the class thought this was funny.

On leaving I made some offhand comment about “This is where the MAGIC happens.”

Another inappropriate comment! She said.

Y'all! Is that inappropriate? If “Magic” has some meaning I don’t know about, please let me know before I tell this to – ooo spose like, I said that to some professor, and he/she thought it was a come on? And then took me up on it? That would be bad. Imagine fending off the lustful advances of (irascible green elf professor) or (small angry bird professor) or (“interestingly” dressed professor) or (the professor who wore my suits). I could say, This is where the “magic” happens, and then wave a dead animal.

They can’t find that insulting, I daresay they would find fending off my advances equally horrid.

O and on a completely unrelated note: do y’all buy- like, the not actually Tupperware containers from Wal-Mart? In the big boxes that claim, 164 piece set only 19.99? Food Saver or whatever?

And what I want to know is, does that thing that take the other sock take half of the not-trademarked-as-Tupperware things? Like you always have a bunch of random lids, and then a bunch of random bowls. Perhaps other people (I know who you are) are more organised or whatever, but all I know, is; I pack my many course lunch in my not-trademarked-as-Tupperware containers, which start with both A lid and A bowl.

The Lid and The Bowl eventually get emptied and end up in the dishwasher. They get washed. They end up in a cabinet.

Then I do not know what happens. I think the Thing that takes the other sock and was stealing screwdrivers and scissors (and my engagement ring; I know where I put it and it is not there anymore, damn you) takes them. So then I clean out all the mismatched bits from under the cabinet and go buy another box.

But then have you noticed, like I bought a whole box of this stuff from IKEA? And like, half of the containers are exactly the size to hold, like, three olives, some toothpicks, or one baby carrot? Dudes! WTF are the Swedes eating that requires this sort of container?

Ya Sven, I packed yer lunch, orgy borgy.

du, Ilsa, orgy, did ja pack my borgy vun vienna sausage?

Ya Sven borgy borgy, I packed it, orgy, und I packed yer vun stick of celery
separate und tree olives und vun finger sandwich mit der herrings und lingonberry.

Yum!

No Petrol and A Corpse

2008-09-27T11:12:00.004-04:00

I don't THINK anyone reads this from anywhere else, but if you do, y'all know I live in Atlanta (SavageATL, right?) And so did y'all know we have no petrol?

First of all this is NOT my fault. Ok, some of you may try to blame this on me because I recently resurrected the above car and started driving it, and as you may have noticed, said car is about the size of a NY Studio apartment. But no, this is not my fault.

Frankly, I do not know whose fault this is, but I do NOT LIKE THIS ONE BIT. Ok? Not one little bit! I have gotten used to having to pay $4 a gallon for petrol, but I am not used to no petrol at $4 a gallon, and y'all, Marta is NOT in my vocabulary. Right. Like I'm going to schlep my 8 bags on a bus and then a train and get mugged. Of course, wearing my fur, I would fit right in with the crazy bag ladies, but still. Y'all, this is JUST NOT RIGHT. You are going to have to pry my cars out of my COLD DEAD HANDS.

I do not know what the options are, so let's make some up.

I could fix the demand side by not leaving the house, which I will do gladly! But there is this little thing called work, and school, and I do not think it will be very much fun to stay at home without heat or power or running water, and I also do not think Wells Fargo would be very happy with my own personal contribution to the foreclosure crisis. I would have to decorate my shopping cart with mannequin heads, which - have you seen what a Damien Hirsch (sp?) goes for these days? Hmmm. (note to self: find shopping cart, decorate with mannequin heads, take to school, ruin chances of career)

Wait, I am at work. A DERANGED HOMELESS PERSON JUST WANDERED IN HERE, and asked me, are you Columbian? I just smiled and nodded. This is one of the things I have always feared about the Midtown centre. I have yet another reason not to be happy today.

So let's work on the supply side. Other people have oil. What does America have too much of?

Lawyers, we could export lawyers in exchange for oil. Fine, I'll practice law in Uzbekistan or wherever, provided I get to take all my cars and my mannequin heads. But they won't let me do that, so no, and I do not care to learn how to say "Statutory interpretation within the bounds of the Constitution according to legislative intent" in Uzbek.

We DEFINITELY have too many celebrity seeking individuals, people who are willing to go on Fear Factor and daytime talk shows. Now, have you noticed that many oil producing nations have a severe dearth of celebrity seeking individuals? Like, name 10 celebrities from Saudi Arabia. Name one. Wasn't Charo of Love Boat fame from Venezuela? See, this is a Good Idea, we can export Tila Tequila, and in the spirit of bipartisanship, let's export Michael Moore, Rush Limbaugh, and Al Franken.

Now see, there's ANOTHER thing that America has entirely too many of: fat people. Let's export them, and in these oily countries, they could- well, I'm not really sure what fat people are good for. Singing opera, I think, and being Orson Welles, and amusing me on rare occasions, but- my fellow Americans: I am willing to sacrifice some things to maintain my key values. Don't they have sex with, like, goats in some of these oily countries? Wouldn't a nice fat person be better?

Now what about whales? Didn't we used to burn whale oil? So, we could do lipo and convert people blubber into petrol, right? Maybe? I saw somewhere on a display of synthetic transmission fluid that regular transmission fluid was/still is made out of pork fat. So, yes. Or we could just go back to killing whales, which I am all for, because it a) produced a great work of literature that no one has ever read and b) honestly! What has a whale done for you recently? Majestic intelligent blah blah blah my ass. You don't hear anyone raving about giant squids, do you?

Anyway, someone had better fix this petrol thing, and fix it NOW. So with that in mind, I watched the debate last night, chez Saniel.

My mind wasn't changed, I prefer McCain because he seems like more of a known quantity, and I Trust him. That being said, I didn't see much difference between the two candidates. I don't know that I would terribly mind Obama as president; he doesn't appear slimy like the Clintons, or evil like Al Gore, or waffly like Kerry. But I have to ask a couple of questions: Both candidates talked a lot about reining in spending, but Obama also talked about we need $ for alternative energies and several other programs, so- where exactly is he going to rein in spending?
And did y'all notice Obama saying that I'm going to have cross-border attacks into Pakistan? Like bombing raids? Because that worked so well in Cambodia? And then McCain said, well, If I were going to do that, I wouldn't tell anyone, so he'd SECRETLY bomb Pakistan?

I think whomever we get- most likely to be Obama- is going to end up looking a lot like Bush III.

Anyway, completely randomly- this morning on the way to work, there were a whole bunch of police cars outside one house on Memorial, and after I noticed that the 500/Taurus can now be purchased as a police car- I was thinking, this isn't an accident- and then I noticed crime scene tape, and then I noticed someone lying flat on their face in someone's yard, and I realised someone had apparently been killed.

Ooo and I have this feeling that American football season is upon us, so what I have to do is arm myself with a compendium of stupendously boring law facts which I can retaliate with if anyone tries to tell me about American football. I have been working on a memo for my externship involving the constitutionality of state regulations and some of those cases are really, really awful. They contain pages and pages of language like this. "statute granting statutory immunity to counties for non-contractual acts and omissions relating to flood protection was not impliedly repealed by statutes abrogating common-law statutory immunity."

And yesterday I had a blowout on the freeway and my brother and Dad came and helped me, which if you really want to know about I can describe in great detail, but muchos thank yous to everyone involved. I am almost so thankful as to abandon my plan to Intentionally Inflict Emotional Distress on Alex and reveal all, but I am thinking, at least one of the ideas is too good to entirely abandon, so what I will do is just reveal part of it now, and part of it in a later post. Vaseline.

The Plot to Intentionally Inflict Emotional Distress on Alex

2008-09-21T15:01:00.007-04:00

Today (Sunday) Alex rang me just as I was getting into the car to go to work.

"Did you start your revenge plot yet?" he asks. This time he was so incensed, he even included punctuation.

"No-o," I said. He couldn't possibly know about what I have done yet, so I said no.

"Because someone took off my tire and left it by the car and stole my lug nuts," he said, "and I was wondering if you had done it."

Now Alex should know that I'm not likely to get involved in any plot for revenge that also involves breaking a nail. Besides, if I'm going to screw with someone's car, it will be Lady Thatcher who is still out of commission.

Anyway, I will now share with you the poem I made up, right on the spot! I think I am headed for Miss Doxie levels of intelligence, which is- good, right?

It's fun to plot
But I will not
Do it anymore
Because I see
That you have tires three
Instead of tires four.

Well, it turns out that someone stole his entire tire and wheel, which I am thinking is -wow. That was unforeseen. I do not know what to tell him to do, other than A) I think he should have a Halloween party, and B) mannequin heads? it works for me.

In entirely random news, we have a memo to do for tax, and there was some discussion about which subject to choose. I thought to not worry about it and just do the first one. (someone else) in the class is picking the third one, which is supposed to be the most difficult. "Because," he tells me, "I have a background in tax and know all about these things." He described his knowledge in sufficient detail (now do you REALLY want a third hand account of tax knowledge?) I thought not.

Well! I said. One of these days- one of these days, we'll have a law class entirely based on French grammar, and - Then! We shall see!

O and I cannot say yet that this semester has Improved in any Marked way. I can say it has gotten cooler, and the work is more headache-inducing, which means that I am Seriously trying to figure out who I can talk into going to Cabo with me right before Eurythmas.

First of all they have to pay their own way, but I have to have one other person to go.

I do not want to go with Dean because he is a really great person but then- he wants to go in a direction I do not want to go with a bearded Pillsbury Doughboy. Ok?! Like, he's great! We have fabulous conversations! But! Much more the D&D type than my type.

I do not want to go anywhere with Trey anymore, because he has little nubs of front teeth and no money and is- difficult.

I do not want to go with Mr. Smurf because- I don't think he has any money either and he is supposed to go home to Indiana.

I could go with (my law school friend) but she claims not to have any money. Pawn your macbook, I tell her. It's Cabo! With sun and umbrella drinks!

I could go with MTM but she already declined.

I do not want to go with Mr. Indecisive, because he cannot make up his mind about anything.

I did ask Robin, whom I would LOVE to go to Cabo with (clothespins and ropes in a foreign country! I offer) but he does not think he will get vacation until January, also I think he is thinking this is a little fast.

That one chap only rings me after, like 11 at night, and he tastes like Formula 409.

Then I remember, i do know someone who lives in one of these countries, he is (or at least WAS a jerk 11 years ago, and I have no reason to believe he has changed) but I am thinking, Umbrella drinks! Beach! Umbrella drinks! I can deal with some jerkiness for a week. So we shall see.

Anyway, I just have to like whomever the lucky chap (most likely, although, hey, I'm open to suggestions) is well enough to go to Cabo for a week with him (which, naturally means- yah. For a WEEK.) Suppose I make That Face for a Week and it Freezes that way? That would make it difficult to get a job, don't you think? I don't have to be like, head over heels or anything. I (hee) probably won't even have to - . I'll stop now.

Today I really wanted to tell (my friend) that her dress was making her, um, chest, look particularly imposing but somehow gathered up the self-restraint not to do this.

But that means I may LACK the self restraint to avoid visiting a bar near my externship this evening after tax, having totally used up all my self restraint. My self restraint was also soaked up by- um. Also I want to let y'all know that I have transferred my unrequited lust from, um, one person to, another, which is in part inspiring my possible visit to this bar.