Make Sure All Your Body Parts Look the Same Age
So I'm in the hall today and here comes a vice principal (not the one I dislike, but one I don't have any particular feelings about either way.) and he tells Mrs X, well, this parent called and complained- she says you didn't have elections in your club this year.
Is this completely insane? or what? I would tell the parent to go soak their head- politely of course, saying that the administration does not interfere in such matters, but honestly! This is why this school is crazy. The administration meddles in really stupid things. They never tell the parents to go stick it. Which they should. As I told Laurie, what about all the students I DIDN'T kill? There are way many more of those!
I am delighted, by the way, because one student wrote a book about me called "Le Grand Vert Monstre" (it should have been Le Grand Monstre Vert) which means the Big Green Monster, and I am depicted as the titular big Green Monster. In it, I am evil and eat babies, because my evil ponytail tells me to do so.
Also I forgot to write this: Y'all, when y'all show up all like crippled and stuff, and you have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair and have this giant cast on and are generally pathetic because you hurt your leg- or like another teacher who had surgery and then returned to school THAT DAY- you make the rest of us look really bad when we're like, um, I have a bug? So I am not coming to school? Because that makes the standard for calling in something like, I have the bubonic plague! Blisters and all! Can't come in, took pics on my cell phone, see?
That is bad, so stop it. Your bids for sympathy are only partially effective.
In unrelated news: I went with Sheridan to go buy her a corset yesterday from a lady named Martha, who lives in Lilburn and was talking about how she had cosmetic surgery recently.
"I went to Costa Rica," she said, "because it's so much cheaper down there. I got $45,000 dollars worth of work done for 7 grand."
O really, and this whole time I thought you WANTED to look like Katherine Harris. And since y'all have probably only seen pictures of Katherine Harris online (if that) - - - let me tell you- in person, much, much scarier. I kind of wanted to poke her to see which parts of her felt real and which didn't, but then I didn't want to touch her either- - - ewww. I guess you get what you pay for, although American doctors can screw up too.
"I'm much older than I look," she told us. Well, which parts of you are much older than they look? Because- those parts of you that you think don't look old - look plenty old, they just now look fake in addition to looking old. If any of y'all ever get cosmetic surgery - - - wait, who reads this? Alex doesn't care what he looks like NOW- Ed looks fabulous and has hair that arouses my envy, besides, he probably never will be able to afford cosmetic surgery, not even in Costa Rica, and besides, it hasn't made a difference as far as I can tell-. I don't know if Rob still reads this but he doesn't seem likely to either. Sara might in the far distant future get cosmetic surgery, (note: this is not meant as an insult, ok? But you are, like, a girl and care about your appearance and stuff like that! And since someone has to be targeted for this useful advice, it might as well be you!) so my advice on that front: For Sara: Make sure that they make all your body parts look the SAME AGE.
Also don't buy those Harry and David boxes, they aren't very good and are very expensive. (If you ask, I'll tell you how I know) I somehow fail to be impressed by a box containing a pear. Wait, that's not true. I was actually impressed by the pear-in-a-box, and opened the box, and took the pear out, and then I put the pear back in, and then I opened it and took the pear out. Then I put it back in again. Then I knew what it was like to be Alex, but I realised that I could have had the same experience for much less than $40. Do you know how many pears I can buy at Sam's for $40? A lot. Also the candies that were inside the box? Some sort of Chocolate covered cherries? Tasted just like Bubble yum. Not the sort of gift I want to give.
Is this completely insane? or what? I would tell the parent to go soak their head- politely of course, saying that the administration does not interfere in such matters, but honestly! This is why this school is crazy. The administration meddles in really stupid things. They never tell the parents to go stick it. Which they should. As I told Laurie, what about all the students I DIDN'T kill? There are way many more of those!
I am delighted, by the way, because one student wrote a book about me called "Le Grand Vert Monstre" (it should have been Le Grand Monstre Vert) which means the Big Green Monster, and I am depicted as the titular big Green Monster. In it, I am evil and eat babies, because my evil ponytail tells me to do so.
Also I forgot to write this: Y'all, when y'all show up all like crippled and stuff, and you have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair and have this giant cast on and are generally pathetic because you hurt your leg- or like another teacher who had surgery and then returned to school THAT DAY- you make the rest of us look really bad when we're like, um, I have a bug? So I am not coming to school? Because that makes the standard for calling in something like, I have the bubonic plague! Blisters and all! Can't come in, took pics on my cell phone, see?
That is bad, so stop it. Your bids for sympathy are only partially effective.
In unrelated news: I went with Sheridan to go buy her a corset yesterday from a lady named Martha, who lives in Lilburn and was talking about how she had cosmetic surgery recently.
"I went to Costa Rica," she said, "because it's so much cheaper down there. I got $45,000 dollars worth of work done for 7 grand."
O really, and this whole time I thought you WANTED to look like Katherine Harris. And since y'all have probably only seen pictures of Katherine Harris online (if that) - - - let me tell you- in person, much, much scarier. I kind of wanted to poke her to see which parts of her felt real and which didn't, but then I didn't want to touch her either- - - ewww. I guess you get what you pay for, although American doctors can screw up too.
"I'm much older than I look," she told us. Well, which parts of you are much older than they look? Because- those parts of you that you think don't look old - look plenty old, they just now look fake in addition to looking old. If any of y'all ever get cosmetic surgery - - - wait, who reads this? Alex doesn't care what he looks like NOW- Ed looks fabulous and has hair that arouses my envy, besides, he probably never will be able to afford cosmetic surgery, not even in Costa Rica, and besides, it hasn't made a difference as far as I can tell-. I don't know if Rob still reads this but he doesn't seem likely to either. Sara might in the far distant future get cosmetic surgery, (note: this is not meant as an insult, ok? But you are, like, a girl and care about your appearance and stuff like that! And since someone has to be targeted for this useful advice, it might as well be you!) so my advice on that front: For Sara: Make sure that they make all your body parts look the SAME AGE.
Also don't buy those Harry and David boxes, they aren't very good and are very expensive. (If you ask, I'll tell you how I know) I somehow fail to be impressed by a box containing a pear. Wait, that's not true. I was actually impressed by the pear-in-a-box, and opened the box, and took the pear out, and then I put the pear back in, and then I opened it and took the pear out. Then I put it back in again. Then I knew what it was like to be Alex, but I realised that I could have had the same experience for much less than $40. Do you know how many pears I can buy at Sam's for $40? A lot. Also the candies that were inside the box? Some sort of Chocolate covered cherries? Tasted just like Bubble yum. Not the sort of gift I want to give.
posted by SavageATL at 2:58 PM
2 Comments:
I've heard this about Harry & David!!! Someone actually told me once, "Have you heard the secret about Harry & David?" Then she leaned in and whispered, "It sucks!" I found that hilarious for two reasons: 1) Her wonderful conspiratorial manner and 2) The implication that Harry & David is "high-class," and that it's surprising that their stuff sucks. HOWEVER---I will say that when I see their gorgeously photographed pears, I just assume that they're overflowing with deliciousness. But still, it's not like you're ordering pears from Tiffany or anything. Of course, if you did that, they would probably taste worse--I don't think diamonds and silver have a lot of flavor. Or does it? Maybe it just tastes like money.
As for plastic surgery, to anyone who wants to get it: Hellx 2 teh f*****k yeah!!!! I'm all for it. Sure, people look like they're made of wax, but that's cool. At least it gives people something to remark on. What's more, if you're with someone middle class, you get to try to be subtle and oblique and dance around the issue when you mention it. And then exchange those knowing microexpressions. I recently worked with someone who had massive cheek implants and overinjected lips. She was pretty, in that Jocelyn Wildenstein kind of way, but the work was never mentioned. Either people had gotten used to it or were pretending it wasn't there. In either case it was the 800-pound gorilla-in-Max-Factor in the middle of the room. Finally I managed to bring it up to someone. Mmmm, I relish the moment. It was, to borrow a word from someone I recently met, tactacular.
Now let's all resume talking about pussy. That is what we were talking about, isn't it? No? What was it? Croissants??!! NO! I could have sworn it was pussy. Can we talk about that now?
"what about all the students I DIDN'T kill? There are way many more of those!"
That line is so very Gregory House.
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