Whom do you mourn?

Well, I got my bank statement in the mail today and had une crise de nerfs. . .

Yah, I know y'all are sick of hearing about that sort of thing. Y'all are all, "Dude, get it together!"

It's a little harder for me to "get it together" than it perhaps seems. I'm almost certainly doing better objectively than I was a year ago . . . and I do know that I'm starting over, back to square one, and starting a new career is always difficult. I think I'm happy I did this now. I don't think I could have done it over again 5 years from now. If I do keep making progress at this rate, probably in 3 years, I'll have an assistant, a real own firm . . . and the math hits me too. I'm not in the position to charge $200/hr, I can charge perhaps $75- so to make $75K a year- and to cover my expenses after taxes, and get health cover, I need to be making about 60-75K- that means that I need to be able to bill (and get) 1000 hours over the course of the year.

Well, that's 40 hrs/week, aren't you doing that?

Yes and no. I do have the closing thing, which is good, but I get very distracted working at home and probably manage 4 billable hours/day in addition to the closings. I don't have the systems in place right now to manage the full billable requirements- I still haven't sent the one French client a bill- it's a little overwhelming - - -

It will be, until you get things worked out-

I'm rather afraid of just- missing the metaphorical boat, I suppose. Suppose I never get it together?

But it's your first real year of law practice, and you have been- entirely successful at what you've put your hand to! Despite the terrors!

Yes, that's true. It will come together . . . I don't have much of a choice, do I?

The Job Fairy hasn't snuck anything under your pillow?

Not the last time I checked.

So then.

I did title this, "Whom do you mourn?"

Yes, you did. I suppose now you are going to tell us what that means.

Yes, I am. "Robin" and I had an argument- he was supposed to- is, in fact, coming down for New Year's, and I got a Groupon deal for Savannah- Tybee Island, and proposed it to him, and at one point he came back and asked me, "Do I have to pay for your meals," and I'm thinking- asshole. You know- I don't have any money, and your ass is making 6 figures, and this is to be debated? I have enough money worries on my own without someone else bringing them to me. It's MY goddamn turn to be spoilt a little bit. I don't ask for much, but- we've been- in one way or another- seeing each other for beyond three years- and you STILL don't have a passport? So we can go somewhere cheap? And then you cut short our trip, despite three weeks of vacation, because it must not cut into your vacation time, and then ' frankly, I want to be spoilt a little, and live it up a bit. Dammit, he has money. I will get there someday, I'm not there now, but everyone else has been more generous to me than he has. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, but part of going away and being on vacation is TOTAL RELAXATION. . . not worrying about money I don't have.

Is it time to close that door?

Well, this goes back to "Whom do you mourn?" I was a different person when I met him than I am now. I do think the more I learn- dude, if you can spend $700 - seven hundred dollars- on a pair of cycling glasses- then dammit, spend a little to make me happy. Even Trey- of all people- is willing to spend money to make me happy, on a bumper for the Cadillac. In some ways, I do mourn my old self, but it's time to move on. I need, and I do, see myself more as a successful person, and I need to carry confidence in myself instead of doubt, even if that means cutting people off.

Are you ready to do that?

I've always had relationships determined on someone else's terms. That hasn't been fair or right to me. . . I do know that whatever shape the relationship takes, Trey and I have an amazingly strong marriage- - - - something could come along to change that, but . . . here we are, and perhaps it can be an "open relationship" but we are, in some way, together forever. . .

Does that exclude "Robin?"

No . .. the day may come when I say,I'm completely done with this. . . but that hasn't happened yet. and I'm still taking care of that Vineyard controversy. So . . . if I wanted a husband to take care of me, I'm yet looking for him.

Yah, well, enough about me. Let's talk about She Who Must Not Be Named in the Blog.

Ooooh, let's!

So one day she came to Dad's house, and she had brought salad-

What's wrong with that?

She brought it in a frypan! A skillet! As though she doesn't have enough bowls! And then she proceeded to get VERY worked up because some neighbour had had the presumption to approach her on the street to talk to her and ask her "personal" questions such as, "What do you do?" and "Where do you work?" She was hugely offended by this. I found this extremely amusing.

Other things that have been happening: The VAN got stolen! I woke up one Saturday morning and looked out the window and the VAN was about 30 feet (I cannot estimate distance) down the street! I was puzzled by this but Trey was in process of recovering from an EPIC conniption, occasioned by a nasty cold, and so I was distracted by that- but I was thinking, why is it there? And I discovered that someone had jimmied the window and destroyed the ignition. It was still ON but not running. The police lady eventually- after a lot of calls- came- "There's no one available right now to respond to you." said the 911 lady. She was nice, and actually wore makeup, but completely indifferent. We had a lengthy argument about how the police report should have been written up. I wanted burglary and theft, but she didn't want to do it. "It's been moved out of the curtilage," I pointed out, and there's clear intent of depriving me of my property, and I have, in fact, been deprived of such, as with the ignition destroyed, I cannot use it. There was also- at least to me- a clear hand print on the sliding door on the driver's side.

The police lady wasn't hearing any of this. She figured out very quickly I was an attorney. "My father's an attorney," she said. But she claimed the handprint was smeared and they wouldn't be able to do anything with it.

My thinking was, eventually they might catch this person, and then they can tie a lot of things together, right? Not, apparently, according to Police Lady. She had a lot of questions about was the house for sale, which I parried with, do you know anyone who wants to buy a house? No, she did not. I said that we were really trying to make the neighbourhood better. She said Alston was a nice place. I did my best to encourage her to put as much as possible on the report but she did not, saying, "we don't stack charges." She had many questions about the yard. "Yes, it's art," I told her. "The short version is, my neighbours," and I pointed- - - "are assholes." This did not, apparently, satisfy her, but she didn't ask any further questions.

Bullshit, is what I say to the stacking charges point. I know that they do and can. I'm mad because they bother my parents about a goddamn tree, and one of my cars gets stolen and I meet with complete indifference.

Anyway, it cost $470 to have the VAN fixed at Rick's. I asked him about the driver's side sliding door, and he said it would cost ! $249! - for the latch- there apparently isn't one available in the junkyard yet, and I said no, I would wait on that. Dammit.

Lemons and Lots of Them

Well. Many things have happened since I last posted. I forgot most of the things I wanted to write about, but.

Alex's wedding was really nice. It was in the mountains. It was considerably - well, I might say, "enlivened." No- not enlivened. It was enawfuled (there's probably a real word for this) by Trey throwing an epic fit. And Sailor Moon tried to fight him.

Ma apparently behaved herself. They met Amber's parents for the first time just before the wedding.

The long and short of it is that we went up, stayed in a cabin, Trey had a conniption, Alex and Amber got married, and it was very nice.

Let's see, there have been a bunch of things that I wanted to talk about. Now, of course, that I actually have time to write them, I can't remember them.

How is the law practice going?

It's - - - going. I suppose I should be happy about this. I've pieced together a little bit of this and a little bit of that and hope to get somewhere. I'm doing mobile closings; at the moment the thing with the French real estate investor seems to have come to an end, I don't know why, and then the Tahitians, I don't know what's going on with that. I have been getting a few cases here and there and battling my way through them. Each thing I do, I am getting better and better at. So the breakthrough will come bit by bit, but the more I do this, the more I understand why they call it the "practice" of law.

Are you still looking for a job?

Sometimes. I am pretty wrapped up in what I am trying to do and then - I might take it more seriously had I gotten somewhere- anywhere- and even document review has dried up. I'm over it, I think over the last year and a half or so, I've sent out something like over 300 cover letters and resumes. And perhaps, some of them aren't very good but I don't know what to write. I have had probably 10? 20? interviews? Even applying to go back and teach French went nowhere. So here I am. Life gives you lemons . . .

And my one friend I know, Miss Cho, who has a job, is also having to take the NC bar and I don't think she's getting paid all that much. So there are disadvantages to having a job. My time and how I spend it is my own. That's good! I'm taking advantage of it as much as I can- I don't have to get up early, no stupid meetings, life is - ok. And it is interesting and challenging.

Well, you should be happy, you have a roof over your head, food to eat . . . bills are (mostly) paid . . .

Dammit, I do remind myself of that, and then on the other hand, I should be doing better. There's only so much one can lower one's expectations. I have two degrees and I don't ask THAT much out of life but the smallest things seem to have become unattainable. I was hoping for in house counsel at an international corporation in 07, then reduced that idea, and reduced it, and now I have this. It shouldn't have been too much to think I'm going to make 60-80 straight out of school. I did externships and tax clinic and worked hard (at least honestly) at a pretty good school. I speak several languages and have good experience prior to law school. Honestly, I should be doing better.

Well, it's the Obamalypse, so.

Suppose things DON'T get better?

Now I read a lot of old Car and Driver magazines, like the caretaker in The Moonstone turned to Robinson Crusoe when he was feeling out of sorts. I purchased a whole bunch of the things- boxes of them- and I read about all the doom and gloom in the late 70s. In 1978-1979, it really DID look like nothing would get better and everyone predicted that by 1984 we'd be driving three cylinder sub chevette cars. But things did get better. I'm hopeful, but what is it going to take? I don't have much faith that the Republicans who can do something about the economy will get elected. I am NOT voting for Romney, we just had the spoilt Daddy's boy as president, and although Bush handled a completely unprecedented crisis, and the WORST crisis of American history faultlessly, we cannot afford another Bush.

I dunno. I'm going to have to figure out, day by day, how I can be better. I suppose now I'm happy I didn't move a few years ago and am now paying a 120K note on a house that's worth 40.

But you're paying an $80K note on a house worth 30.

This, sadly, is true.

What about Trey? What's that whole situation about?

Well. Trey still does not have a job. He is in school for welding. I am seriously beginning to think that he probably won't ever really be self sufficient. His best shot at that was Masada and he messed that up. He is helping out by giving me food stamps. We are friends, although there really haven't been any benefits, I haven't been much in the mood. Now, Trey is dating/seeing other people. I haven't been seeing anyone much cos I've been too bizzy but "Robin" is supposed to visit at the end of the year.

"Robin" is still around?

Yes! I care about him but the whole Virginia thing- I know he had to go there for his job but . . . it is making things much harder. In Nashville, I could just pop up there.

In terms of Trey, honestly what I am hoping (however unlikely this might be) is that either he will get it together and move on- this was meant to be a temporary thing- or that someone will fall madly in love with him- (look now! I've seen worse!) and then that will at least temporarily solve that issue. Perhaps in some way or another, we will always be together, at least as friends. We are getting on well and he is keeping me from being lonely or climbing the walls. That being said, I think that we probably both know better than to try to date again. On the other hand, he really seems to have changed, but also, I'm just not in the place right now to devote a single bit of mental energy to trying to start a relationship with anyone other than my career. That's my whole focus right now.

Did you do anything for Halloween?

NO! I had Kaplan class the night of and have just been too wiped to really concentrate on that.

You didn't celebrate HALLOWEEN? That is nuts!

I know. This has been a bizarre year.

Well, what about Thanksgiving?

What about it? We had it, it was good, no epic arguments, but enjoyable, and then Trey was in Chattanooga doing community service for his DUI . . . Thanksgiving is fairly standard - - - You know Dad wants it done the exact same way, every year.

Then I dunno about Christmas. I wish there were more to look forward to in terms of $. I still want a fur coat. But not- for some time yet. We'll see. Eventually.

Accounting Jokes

Well, y'all, I went on Alex's Bachelor party weekend, although, he is neither a bachelor nor was it a party but it was fun.

I cooked and I did not do what I was threatening him with, although he has no idea what I was threatening him with, I got him all worked up, which was the point.

Witness the following textual exchange!

Me, trying to provoke him: (That one you got is not squishy enough. Are you going to have time to get another on Friday before you go or are you riding with me after court?)
Alex got very upset. “What is not squishy? What are you talking about?”
? I haven’t sent the application yet, if that is what you are asking?
What is not squishy?
(Oops, never mind.)
What do you mean, oops?
(I meant oops is all)
No you didn’t. What are you talking about?
(I REALLY meant oops i hadn’t finished application . . . ;)

What is not squishy enough?
(mmm. Don’t worry about it, have a nice day!)
Have fun this weekend!
(Oh, we shall!)
It won’t be with us!
(Woo, woo, yes it will, y’all will be all morose and glum without me. And have tiara emergencies.)
Fine remember you don’t know where we are staying and you don’t have keys to the place
(I have ways of finding out! And my revenge will be glitterriffic!)
Good luck
No I don’t have to put up with this act right or stay home.
(I am acting right!)
Have fun at home then!

I went anyway and had fun. Joe, Justin, Jason, Jeff, Sailor Moon, Trey Norwood, and Alex and I went. i had rather hoped for some Daniel-style hijinks but no.

Related to that, I have some accounting jokes! I think that I should present these at the wedding as well.

Pick-Up Lines to use on Accounting Chicks

* You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.
* Please, baby, let me withhold you.
* Nice assets.
* Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.
* In my office, I.R.S. stands for I'm Really Sexy.
* Let's fill out a 1040 - you are a 10 and I'm a 40.
* If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?
* Technically, having sex with me is like a charitable gift.
* You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income... now let's do it.
* You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."

You might be an Accountant if...

* you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
* you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".
* you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.
* at the move Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
* getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
* your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
* you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
* you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".

When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.

What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.

Talking Frog

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your girlfriend for an entire week."

The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll marry you, cook your meals, and do your laundry." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll marry you, I'll cook your meals and even do your laundry. Why won't you kiss me?"

The man said, "Look, I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a wife, but a talking frog is cool!

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he is boring.

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, “I m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?” The owner replies, “I don’t have an opinion. I m a chartered accountant.”

The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. “This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.” The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?” “One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.” “I ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”

11 January 2005

Why did he wrap the dead rat in newspaper and put it under the sink?

I have been having lots of issues posting to this thing for some reason; it keeps saying that it is published but never seems to appear on the site. Therefore, these posts are a week-two weeks old and should have been published but never appear. I'm probably going to try to move it to wherever Ed's blog is.
After Trey's return, I was able to ask him a question which has been troubling me these many months; Why DID he wrap the dead rat in newspaper and put it under the sink?
I discovered the dead rat a month or so after Trey had left- and was uniquely intrigued; I was not sure what it was when I found it, and pondered it for a few minutes: I could tell it had bones, but I was not sure if the vaguely fuzzy/furry stuff was mold? Was it a chicken carcass? a turkey carcass? and in the end I decided it was disgusting and threw it out- and realised much later that it was a rat.
Trey told me that he wanted a rat skull, which was a desire I had not previously recognised in him; I shan't say that I am sorry that I declined him the fulfillment of his ambition, and I rather hope that he shan't find a way to fulfill it in future- the truth, says Trey, was that he was going to feed me the rat a la Baby Jane.
We also had a pleasantly uneventful Eurythmas and Happy New Year with much needed rest and relaxation and Bouncy Bouncy on the Woggy Woggy, who actually HAS managed to stop drinking entirely, even in the presence of Dispense Me- (Sheridan) This has improved things considerably. Trey really HAS changed. It's a long, slow process, but it's worth it.
I can't think of anything interesting that happened at Eurythmas or New Year's- even I am over the let's get drunk and feel rotten for several days thing. It's not really that much fun anymore, and I don't have the envie to do it at all. We have been going to church, which is very nice- we went to midnight mass, and we have been the past two Sundays, and I find it very uplifting.
Also we finally finished the bath, had it tiled and so forth, and it looks like a million dollars. It is absolutely wonderful, done in red marble- a rustic sort of marble, set on point rather than on edge so that they look like diamonds rather than squares and it is unbelievable. Just gorgeous- although it took Mr. Covaci an entire WEEK to do it, and we were without the bath for a WEEK, which made me very grumpy and disoriented. Trey also broke the toilet while cleaning it- (it was on the porch, and he didn't want anyone to see this dirty toilet sitting on the porch, so he tipped it over to get the water out and it broke) so we spent an absurd amount of time one day trying to get another one. We had to go to four different stores. First we went to Lowe's- but they did not have a toilet that would fit. The old toilet was 10.5 inches from the center of the drain to the back wall. The new toilets were all 12 inches- at Lowe's. They said, go to Apex plumbing supply, somewhere near the Dekalb Farmer's Market. We drove around, and around, and around, looking for *&^%$ Apex- then we went to Southeastern, which the lady said was more expensive than Apex. They said- go to Apex, but a different one, in Gwinnett County off of Buford Highway. So we had to go all the way from East Ponce to Gwinnett, and then drove about looking for another Apex. We found Apex. There was a nice sign on the building which announced that Apex had relocated, but nothing indicating where to- so we kept driving (^^%&%(*))&*%!) and then encountered Hughes Plumbing Supply, where we were able to purchase the required toilet which cost $158.00. Arrgh.
The kitchen is sort of in, and I hope that thin people purchase the house because it is very very tight in there. We still have to get the countertops done. There are an awful lot of cabinets in an awfully small space, but I think I am going to get used to it. Next week at some point the windows should be there and the window people can put them in. I'm getting competitive bids for the countertops, in part because Covaci takes too damn long working by himself and also he has some other project (which I think I referred him to) and I do not want to wait until March to be able to walk through the living room because everything that should be in the kitchen is in the living room. We also finished the sun room and the screened porch and I cannot WAIT to have a bigger house.

Cruella's Greatest Hits

Y'all, I did once upon a time have a blog before this one. And I saved all my blog postings cos, you know, I save . . . EVERYTHING.

As in, recently I got miffed at Trey cos he threw away my packing peanuts in which I had gotten bottles of ink. I do send people things! So I need them! But Trey loves, loves, LOVES, throwing things away.

Anyway. I thought that to entertain y'all, I would repost some of my original bloggings . . .

Here is one from 21 December 2004.

21 Dec 2004

Checking in with 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights

Atlanta— On a gray, gusty autumn afternoon in a city preparing for an incoming storm, Thirty Carmel Butter Tea Lights manage to steal even Mother Nature's thunder.



But did they take their rich, invigorating scent to Arkansas? 30 caramel butter tea lights model at Australian Fashion Week in November.

By Sean Garnsworthy, Getty Images
Months before snippets of 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' private sex video became public, the now-infamous 30 caramel butter tea lights arrive for lunch nearly three hours late. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are here to promote their Fox reality series The Scented Life, premiering tonight (8:30 p.m. ET/PT). The show, shot in five weeks in rural Arkansas, has 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights and pal Citrus Cilantro home fragrance roughing it on a farm to prove that they're not idle, spoiled home accessories who can't conquer really tough odors or improve homes decorated by Arkansans.
"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights playing character," drawl Caramel ButterTea Lights. "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights totally normal. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights think obnoxious when candles demand extravagant surroundings. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights improve offices at McDonald's or Taco Bell. My parents always taught us to be humble. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights not spoiled."
The we refers to 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' sidekick, Citrus Cilantro Home Fragrance. Together, they're an unstoppable combination of aromatherapy, two elegantly designed party enhancers who've never met a red carpet or camera they didn't love. Until, that is, a three-minute highlight reel of the 27-minute sex tape 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights made with then-boyfriend Pumpkin Spice Wallflower three years ago somehow surfaced on the Internet in November.
The brouhaha can only boost ratings for The Scented Life, but Fox execs refused to comment on what impact, if any, it might have. As for 30 Caramel Butter tea lights, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights have gone into seclusion. Aside from a teary lunch at the Ivy and an L.A. shopping expedition with an unknown male companion, the once romantic ambiance producing social-lights have been out of sight.



A tour of 30 Caramel Butter Scented Tea Lights





Age: unrevealed
Distributed by: Pier 1 Imports
Claim to fame: Rich, invigorating scent and calming glow, create romantic atmostpheres, party-enhancer extraordinaire
TV series debut: Tonight on Fox's The Scented Life (8:30 p.m. ET/PT)
Film credits: The Candle in the Window (2003), Pier 1 training video (2003), When Harry Met Sally (2001).





"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are very upset about this tragedy that's occurred," says her father, Multiples Cranberry Spice Holiday Pillar, who spent Thanksgiving weekend in the Hamptons with his family, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights included. "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights seem to be recuperating from it, but 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are quite devastated from it all."
30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights have been paying the price for 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' indiscretion.
"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights can't walk the streets," 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights told Us Weekly as 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights flew to Los Angeles from Australia. "It too embarrassing. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights don't want go out anymore. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights don't want party. This really made 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights think about changes 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want make."
Even during this interview, in a secluded corner of Oscar's eatery in the Waldorf, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights draw gapes from diners, waiters, busboys. In person, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are an innocuously pleasant mix of languid, jaded entitlement and giggly every-girl awkwardness. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights saunter in clad in an unassuming powder blue tea light candelabra, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' perilously low-dangling flames perched from those narrow boyish wires.
"Everywhere 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights go, people know 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights," 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights admit.
"Last night, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights at the party for Elite Models, and there no cabs on 42nd Street, so 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights walked. Every single person, even those 80 years old, surround 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights taking pictures. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights stood literally hour. It really annoying."
That gawking is the result of 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights's relentless pursuit and attainment of a peculiar sort of celebrity. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are famous purely for being famous — for being sexy, saucy 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' friends swear they're a good candle with big dreams, but 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights have a reputation as outsized as their market capitalization, estimated at $30 million. Yet the tabloids tell a different story.
"They're really a smart, very nice decoration."
Sure, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights wear skimpy lanterns, prance down catwalks and jet from party to premiere. But 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights , say those around them, are just having fun.
"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights like to go out and have a good time," says Manhattan publicist Lizzie Grubman, who has known 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights for six years. "But that doesn't mean alcohol and drugs are involved."
In fact, insist 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights doesn't even hit the bottle. "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights hate taste alcohol," 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights say. "When 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights drink, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights drink Red Bull. When 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights younger, yeah, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights drank before."
It's that before, though, that's been raising eyebrows for the past six years. Back then, a teenage 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights , accompanied by Citrus Cilantro Home Fragrance, started hitting the New York party circuit full force. Big deal, shrugs 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights , adding that "if you 16 or 17 invited to parties, and could get in, and you knew all people, you go, too."
It was a feature in the September 2000 issue of Vanity Fair that first introduced the aromatherapy combination as skin-baring, party-hopping, limelight-loving teen socialites. To this day, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are furious about the article, calling the writer "mean-spirited. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights were 18 and 15 at time. Do that little home enhancement products so messed up. Was really hurtful. That was beginning of all, of trying be mean."
Now, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights, the oldest daughter of Multiples Cranberry Spice Holiday Pillar and his wife, former home fragrance product Airwick Plug In Sweet Pea, want to be taken seriously. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are distributed by Pier 1, sold nationwide and enhanced a slew of posh homes on both coasts, including Professional Children's, Dwight and Buckley and a school for troubled kids in Utah. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' father won't confirm if 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights ever earned a high school diploma. But, says Citrus Cilantro Home Fragrance, who has been best friends with 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights for years, "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are really smart, very nice candles. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are a good, good, good flammable product, and if you spend 10 minutes with 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights, you know that."
But if you know 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights at all, it's from inhaling 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' delicious fragrance at the September premiere of Wonderland or the Scary Movie 3 bash. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights shrug off 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' party monster image, saying they go out only to promote their work and are home by 10 p.m., although most movie after-parties, at which 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are in frequent attendance, usually don't get going until well past that.
"They always want to get that money shot."
Suddenly, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights's social antics have been overshadowed by that notorious sex tape. It's still unclear who released the video of 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights and Pumpkin Spice Wallflower enhancing sex. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights was 19, he 30. A three-minute preview appeared on the Internet, but the family threatened to sue anyone who released the tape. Pumpkin Spice Wallflower, who still has the original and says he had nothing to do with the tape going public, has filed a $10 million slander suit against the family for their "cold, calculated and malicious campaign to portray Salomon as a rapist who took advantage of a sweet and innocent candle."
During the course of this interview, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights bragged that 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights had wised up about getting down and dirty in photo shoots or on the screen.
"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights so smart now," 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights say. "Everyone always like, 'Take your wick off.' Sorry, no! They always want get money shot. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights not stupid."
Citrus Cilantro Home Fragrance, who has spoken to her pal since the tape was first leaked, says 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are "hanging in there. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are doing the best 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights can."
It's doubly difficult, says Grubman, because 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights are "very sensitive. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights care what people think about 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights."
Grubman is no stranger to scandal. She went to jail for 60 days after backing her SUV into a crowd outside a Hamptons nightclub in July 2001 and injuring 16 people.
Her advice? "Be strong. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights should keep on keeping a low profile, and 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights'll survive this."
Some aren't shocked that 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights, who in real life and on 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' Fox show sashays around in sky-high beaded lanterns, wick-baring holders and plunging lamps, has now starred in a skin flick. Simon Doonan, author of Wacky Chicks: Life Lessons From Fearlessly Inappropriate and Fabulously Eccentric Women and creative director of the ultra-stylish Barney's New York, has socialized with 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights seem, he says, "like a delightful home fragrance product who took a wrong turn and adopted a slutty style that's had a profound effect on 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' life."
"I'm trying to work hard."
30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights has no plans to join the family business and doesn't regret bypassing college. "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights don't feel it's necessary for 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights, for what 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want to do. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights just thinks wasting four years. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights just pulling ourselves back."
What 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want to do is sing and act, ambitions that make 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights's dad "very proud." 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights is recording 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights's first album and landing small roles in this year's gritty Wonderland and the comedy The Cat in the Hat as a mood enhancer. Aside from 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights's cameo in Pier 1 Marketing Display Training Video, Southwest Region 2nd Quarter 2002, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights has no desire to "be 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights every movie. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want be actress."
That's why 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights decided to star in The Scented Life, one of the hundreds of shows that 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights says have been offered to 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights. "Everything 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights do real, but 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights just playing part. If 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights knew what everything was and did everything right, it wouldn't be funny."
Perhaps for the first time in 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' life, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights had a midnight curfew. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights was up at dawn every day to work. "Was more than enhancing bedroom here or trailer home there," 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights say. "30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights had many jobs. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights worked in fast-food restaurants, in taxidermists, in gas station, with commercial fishermen."
30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights do none of the above in Hollywood, where 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights share a mansion with First Bloom Glazes Pillar. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights wake up at 9 or 10 a.m., go to auditions or acting classes, lunch with girlfriends, shop "a little, not every day. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights trying to work hard and do something with ourselves."
Although 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights has been linked with everyone from Sum 41's Deryck Whibley to Jamie Kennedy and Sugar Ray's Mark McGrath, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights laughs at 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' rumored romantic exploits. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights say 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want to "find right home fragrance product and married."
Like 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights' mother, who had 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights at 18, 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights plan on being a young mom.
"30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights want have kids in next two or three years. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights haven't found right home fragrance product. 30 Caramel Butter Tea Lights can't wait have little pillar and light up."
And, hopefully, teach them to keep the clothes on — and cameras off.

Parker's Back

After some time when I thought I might not ever see him again, who is back?

Well. This is not one of those decisions that has been met with thunderous applause, shall we say, by the multitudes. (Multitudes, in this case, = Alex.) Also this is going to be one of those stories which begin with, "See, what had happened was," and end - we all know how this ends, yes?

No, I do NOT really expect anything to be any different. However, what I am hoping, and working towards, is that Trey will get his own place before he starts misbehaving. And I am not really interested in dating him anyway, because, as I say, we know how this story ends. It is not "Happily Ever After," it is, "And then Trey disappeared with mystery people, got drunk, threw a fit, and then . . ."

Do you still love him?

Well, I love many people, and many people love me back. I mean, there is love there, but I know better than to think there's a future, and I know what kind of future it would be and I want nothing to do with that. So it's like the kind of love you might have for a good friend or brother perhaps.

Here is the, "See, What Happened Was," part of the story.

See, What happened was, Trey called me one day and said that he had found a job with Georgia Department of Labour picking grapes in bloody Sylvania Georgia. Which is like way off in country so far away, I have no good metaphor. I mean, they have to drive two hours to a Wal-mart I think. You have to set your clock back it is so far away.

So why did you agree to it?

Cos Ma is always saying something she hears on television about "Sow the seed," and dammit I need a job, so that's all I can think to do to "Sow the Seed." If I can help someone find a job, then . . .

Cruella! You just wanted to see Trey! You wouldna done this for anyone else!

Yes, that is partially true, but also I did have that one lady stay (abortively) with me for like three days, and now I have a couple more friends staying. This one dude and his boyfriend, WonderTwink. I am Helping them Out.

Cruella. Is this a good idea?

Well, WonderTwink is a little annoying, he is one of those people who has to "win" a conversation. He is very dramatic and queeny. I am thinking, I hope I do not behave like this. I am fairly certain that I did so 10 years ago. I would like to think I am nicer now. The other chap is nice. And I, personally, feel that you can't say, O, I am a Christian and when people come to you for help and you can give it, then you don't.

Cruella! Is that how you are justifying your bad impulses these days? You know that the primary reasons you are doing this is you like your house to be, as Shirley Jackson said, "old, and noisy, and full."

Yes. I am now justifying my behaviour through Christianity. Wait until you get a bit of my "healing touch."

Cruella. What makes this a good idea?

As I said, the one chap is nice, and WonderTwink is a little annoying but they are hardly ever here anyhow. Neither of them seems to have a job but they are paying. And I don't like to enquire too closely into other people's business. Anyway, hopefully they will both get jobs and get their own place etc. Otherwise they are fine, although Trey for obscure reasons doesn't like them.

And Trey?

Oh yes. Well, then I drove him clear across creation to go pick grapes, and five days later he calls me and they all got fired and he has nowhere to go and is coming to Atlanta. There is going to be a MASSIVE lawsuit as a result of this cos they all got fired in favour of Mexicans, and this company violated a LOT of different statutes. BOOO! Anyway I told him if he wanted to go to Chattanooga he could but if he wasn't getting a job it didn't make sense for him to go back to Chattanooga and he ought to stay here and find a job. So he did and is working at the Colonnade. MMMMMM! And I told him since he could weld, and Freddy does HVAC, then he should be able to make those cages for air conditioners and decorative bar-doors for crawlspaces. That should be good money. He has Behaved mostly thus far. But I think the best thing is for him to get his OWN place and such and be out of MY hair. I do NOT feel like dealing with him.

Oh! I forgot to tell you about my Politically Incorrect Thought!

That would be implying that you have Politically Correct Thoughts . . .

Yes. That is true, and I don't have Politically Correct Thoughts. I think about placentas a whole lot. However, some thoughts are more repeatable than others.

So yesterday I was at Sam's, having noisily refused to shop at Publix, cos it's too expensive, (I got a whole QUART of whipping cream for $2.75!) and then there were two Indo-Paki men in the parking lot driving a BMW and dressed like . . . wiggers.

This is not a cultural trend I am ready for. I do not know what you call an Indo-paki man in an "urban" outfit, looking douchey, and wiggery, but I do not want this to happen. How do I stop this?

Places I Have Been This Year!

Well, I wish one of the places I had been this year would be, "Permanent Kick-Ass Job" but . . . Not Yet!

Sigh.

Stupid Obamalypse.

Yes, I do blame him for the state of the economy. Things were falling apart under Bush but never have we previously been in recession this long with no recovery in sight, and I specifically blame him for things like how Boeing moved its plant from Washington to South Carolina and his administration insisted on having the NLRB enforce its rules, and then there was that case with the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act, all of which operate to destroy private industry. And Obamacare is going to be expensive. And the stimulus, started under Bush, didn't work and is making things worse, we have something like $5 million in stimulus funds to put new sidewalks along Memorial and Candler- which benefits who? We had sidewalks and no one is going to take a leisurely stroll along either Memorial or Candler to enjoy the, what, traffic fumes? I occasionally walk along there but it is to drop car off/pick car up from Rick's and new sidewalks add zippo to my enjoyment.

All this hopey-changey nonsense is old wine in new bottles. Same stale European style nanny state socialism with a new black sexy label to fool people.

I wonder when they publish his approval ratings, who are these 43% who approve? 9.2% unemployment, stagflation, nearly $4 gallon/petrol . . . and even for liberals, he's doing a sort of vaguely lefty Bush. We're now at war in Libya with no idea why we are there, what success looks like, or a real committment. At least Bush came up with some excuses. Then he didn't close Gitmo as promised, we're still - despite claims- at war in Iraq and Afghanistan. He's not exactly touting Obamacare as a resounding success, because most people hate it. We have unpleasant and expensive new TSA body scanner regulations. So why is he better than Bush?

So Cruella, why then, is he worse than Bush?

Cos he's spending money on even more idiotic things and even more job-killing old-lefty ideas. And then apparently they want to stop cereal companies from marketing to kiddies and making McDo put apple slices in their Happy Meals . . .

It's just WRONG.

There's such a level of contempt that comes from the Left- and sometimes from the Right, although less so nowadays - This idea that you are too stupid to make choices for yourself, or that someone else gets to decide where you live, and what car you drive, and what you get to eat, lest you decide to weigh 300 lbs, etc.

Now y'all know how I feel about fat people. But that doesn't mean that someone else should tell me this. I can figure it out for my OWN damn self.

Cruella, shut up. You were going to tell us about places you had been this year.

Oh, right. Well, I went to Louisiana with my Dad for (his) Spring Break, and then I went to visit "Robin" in Richmond/DC and then I went to Miami and then I went to Huntsville.

All those places? But you don't have a job!

I don't! Please note that other people paid for all these things. Well, most of them.

First, I went to Louisiana, which was wonderful! Except my Dad, either because of his insistence on "planning", which is like, totally a four letter word to me- picked a motel like 10 miles away! It was in the middle of NOTHING. Now granted, they charge parking, etc, in the French Quarter, but if that's what you want to see- wouldn't you stay THERE? My system is to get one of those newsprint- books they have at the rest areas and find a cheapy motel that way. This place was like FOREVER away.

Listen, y'all! The first night we went into the French quarter because there was sod-all- really! to eat around the motel and we got a very diffident clerk who did not care to recommend anything, and it was raining too much to stop and find anything to eat, and the minivan did not like it and was getting blown around, and there was nothing to eat! And then, using my witch-senses, I saw an exit and we decided to eat there-

Cruella . . .

But this is the exciting part! So it was a combination SOUL FOOD RESTAURANT/LAUNDROMAT! We ate in a LAUNDROMAT!

Um.

It was good! And the lady who worked there/owned it was FASCINATED by us. Clearly, white tourists were a rarity. She had to bring the cook out to look at us.

She also did not understand the concept of tourism.

Where y'all from? She wanted to know.

Atlanta.

Who y'all visiting here? she wanted to know.

No one, we said.

Why y'all here? she wanted to know.

We just wanted to see Louisiana, you know, new Orleans, the French Quarter.

This did not register.

Who y'all kinfolk? She wanted to know.

No one, we said . . this continued in this vein for a while.

Also she said that "Camille" was a principal in a school somewhere in Atlanta and thought we knew her.

Anyway, we had a lot of fun, and I insisted on seeing the "Hush Hush Sweet Charlotte" house, which was very exciting, and we ate. . . Oh, I had this thing, it was a deep fried burger stuffed with sausage and cheese. I am happy I do not live in Louisiana otherwise I would have to be carried around by backhoe. And I had crawfish, and we saw a crawfish farm, and a rice farm, and an alligator farm, and I bought real alligator meat! Was fun.

Then I went to see "Robin" in Richmond, which was likewise a tremendous amount of fun . . . We went to DC and saw things! Including the Hope Diamond, and I cooked a lot, and then we went shopping and I only whined a little (this, I feel, will be extensively debated in the comments) but really! I only whined a little! and I bought a whole bunch of sweaters.

Then the Lolrus -

Cruella! What lolrus?

I mean, that I have a "friend" and he had this picture of himself on the beach- and the rolls of fat were hiding his bathing suit and he looked just like the Lolrus!

Cruella, you don't like fat people.

Well, I would say, with his clothes on, that he is more, "husky," sort of American footballer. Then with his clothes off, he is fatter but . . . oh, shut up. But he did look like the Lolrus in that beach picture. Personally, if anyone ever took a picture of ME like that, I would hunt them down and kill them. I would hire Boba Fett. Miami was fun. It was very Spontaneous, as in I realised that I was running out of documents, and it was a long weekend, and he didn't have to work, and I didn't have to work, and his sister lives in Fort Lauderdale, so why not? So we had a great time.

I dunno if he ever found his bukkit though. Snort.

New Complicated Joke

Well, the other night the ladies across the street and their friend Tristan had me over and I drank a whole LOT of gin, the consequence was, I have a new joke.

Somehow, creativity always seems to come upon me in the ebb tide of such events.

So the joke is that, home appliances should have a "bachelor" setting.

As in, the washing machine would have a "bachelor" setting, where it would know that the single male just crammed in all of his laundry unsorted. The dishwasher would have a "bachelor" setting where it knew to extra, extra rinse the dishes and that the bachelor might have even put hubcaps in there. Some appliances already have a "bachelor" setting, witness irons and coffeemakers that turn themselves off after a few minutes. The oven would have a "bachelor" setting that would automatically make frozen pizza, and it would remind the "bachelor" to take the pizza OUT of the WRAPPING. The refrigerator could detect mold spores and inform the Bachelor that milk is not supposed to be furry or green. The iron would refuse to iron the Bachelor's clothing while he is wearing it.

Now some people will object to this as nagging, if your appliances start telling you what to do. "If I wanted that, I would get a girlfriend," they say. But see, what I would do, is have the appliance start by distracting the Bachelor by conversations about sports.

Oven: Didja catch the Knicks game?
Bachelor: Yes, I did (blah blah, sports banter)
Oven: Yes, (appropriate sports banter for basketball game) Don't forget to unwrap the pizza!

So what else has been happening with me?

Y'all, I am just about to Give Up. Seriously. I was talking to this one dude online, and then I went to meet him, and he was like 300+ pounds, and in a wheelchair, and his apartment REEKED of pee. Like, even if he had been Vin Diesel? No way. It smelt way too bad. I thought the palsied guy was - a surprise- but God has more in store for me. Clearly. I'm just waiting until I meet up with Edith Massey's corpse.

But I keep pulling myself forward, because of the goddamn neighbours, giving up and having eleventy cats is not an option.

Now "Robin" has been interested, and I am too, but that is a very hypothetical thing what with him in Richmond and me being here. So that is all very theoretical. And I am thinking, although he is interested, and that would be good, I am not getting any cuter.

And I have applied for every job in the known universe, to no end. I don't think I've had an actual interview for an actual non-document review job since May of last year. I don't know what is going on.

What happened with you and that one attorney?

He gives me work very sporadically. I don't really understand it, and he's only paying me $11.25/hr, so - - - I had hoped it would develop into something, but it did not.

This is frankly rather depressing. I keep looking backwards over my life- and one thing that does give me hope is that most of the times that seem now golden in distant memory, were actually just as tough when I was going through them. So this is probably not as wretched as it seems right now. I'm just very, very tired.

Oooh, and I am MAD at everyone for not showing up to my birthday. I guess that's selfish and childish, but at a certain point- if you expect everyone to show up to yours, then you can do me the favour once a year of coming to mine. Actually, to say everyone didn't show up is a flat lie, but all of Alex's friends showed up and not a single one of mine. Although I would say that Alex's friends are my friends too.