Well, I got my bank statement in the mail today and had une crise de nerfs
. . .
Yah, I know y'all are sick of hearing about that sort of thing. Y'all are all, "Dude, get it together!"
It's a little harder for me to "get it together" than it perhaps seems. I'm almost certainly doing better objectively than I was a year ago . . . and I do know that I'm starting over, back to square one, and starting a new career is always difficult. I think I'm happy I did this now. I don't think I could have done it over again 5 years from now. If I do keep making progress at this rate, probably in 3 years, I'll have an assistant, a real own firm . . . and the math hits me too. I'm not in the position to charge $200/hr, I can charge perhaps $75- so to make $75K a year- and to cover my expenses after taxes, and get health cover, I need to be making about 60-75K- that means that I need to be able to bill (and get) 1000 hours over the course of the year.
Well, that's 40 hrs/week, aren't you doing that?
Yes and no. I do have the closing thing, which is good, but I get very distracted working at home and probably manage 4 billable hours/day in addition to the closings. I don't have the systems in place right now to manage the full billable requirements- I still haven't sent the one French client a bill- it's a little overwhelming - - -
It will be, until you get things worked out-
I'm rather afraid of just- missing the metaphorical boat, I suppose. Suppose I never get it together?
But it's your first real year of law practice, and you have been- entirely successful at what you've put your hand to! Despite the terrors!
Yes, that's true. It will come together . . . I don't have much of a choice, do I?
The Job Fairy hasn't snuck anything under your pillow?
Not the last time I checked.
I did title this, "Whom do you mourn?"
Yes, you did. I suppose now you are going to tell us what that means.
Yes, I am. "Robin" and I had an argument- he was supposed to- is, in fact, coming down for New Year's, and I got a Groupon deal for Savannah- Tybee Island, and proposed it to him, and at one point he came back and asked me, "Do I have to pay for your meals," and I'm thinking- asshole. You know- I don't have any money, and your ass is making 6 figures, and this is to be debated? I have enough money worries on my own without someone else bringing them to me. It's MY goddamn turn to be spoilt a little bit. I don't ask for much, but- we've been- in one way or another- seeing each other for beyond three years- and you STILL don't have a passport? So we can go somewhere cheap? And then you cut short our trip, despite three weeks of vacation, because it must not cut into your vacation time, and then ' frankly, I want to be spoilt a little, and live it up a bit. Dammit, he has money. I will get there someday, I'm not there now, but everyone else has been more generous to me than he has. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, but part of going away and being on vacation is TOTAL RELAXATION. . . not worrying about money I don't have.
Is it time to close that door?
Well, this goes back to "Whom do you mourn?" I was a different person when I met him than I am now. I do think the more I learn- dude, if you can spend $700 - seven hundred dollars- on a pair of cycling glasses- then dammit, spend a little to make me happy. Even Trey- of all people- is willing to spend money to make me happy, on a bumper for the Cadillac. In some ways, I do mourn my old self, but it's time to move on. I need, and I do, see myself more as a successful person, and I need to carry confidence in myself instead of doubt, even if that means cutting people off.
Are you ready to do that?
I've always had relationships determined on someone else's terms. That hasn't been fair or right to me. . . I do know that whatever shape the relationship takes, Trey and I have an amazingly strong marriage- - - - something could come along to change that, but . . . here we are, and perhaps it can be an "open relationship" but we are, in some way, together forever. . .
Does that exclude "Robin?"
No . .. the day may come when I say,I'm completely done with this. . . but that hasn't happened yet. and I'm still taking care of that Vineyard controversy. So . . . if I wanted a husband to take care of me, I'm yet looking for him.
Yah, well, enough about me. Let's talk about She Who Must Not Be Named in the Blog.
So one day she came to Dad's house, and she had brought salad-
What's wrong with that?
She brought it in a frypan! A skillet! As though she doesn't have enough bowls! And then she proceeded to get VERY worked up because some neighbour had had the presumption to approach her on the street to talk to her and ask her "personal" questions such as, "What do you do?" and "Where do you work?" She was hugely offended by this. I found this extremely amusing.
Other things that have been happening: The VAN got stolen! I woke up one Saturday morning and looked out the window and the VAN was about 30 feet (I cannot estimate distance) down the street! I was puzzled by this but Trey was in process of recovering from an EPIC conniption, occasioned by a nasty cold, and so I was distracted by that- but I was thinking, why is it there? And I discovered that someone had jimmied the window and destroyed the ignition. It was still ON but not running. The police lady eventually- after a lot of calls- came- "There's no one available right now to respond to you." said the 911 lady. She was nice, and actually wore makeup, but completely indifferent. We had a lengthy argument about how the police report should have been written up. I wanted burglary and theft, but she didn't want to do it. "It's been moved out of the curtilage," I pointed out, and there's clear intent of depriving me of my property, and I have, in fact, been deprived of such, as with the ignition destroyed, I cannot use it. There was also- at least to me- a clear hand print on the sliding door on the driver's side.
The police lady wasn't hearing any of this. She figured out very quickly I was an attorney. "My father's an attorney," she said. But she claimed the handprint was smeared and they wouldn't be able to do anything with it.
My thinking was, eventually they might catch this person, and then they can tie a lot of things together, right? Not, apparently, according to Police Lady. She had a lot of questions about was the house for sale, which I parried with, do you know anyone who wants to buy a house? No, she did not. I said that we were really trying to make the neighbourhood better. She said Alston was a nice place. I did my best to encourage her to put as much as possible on the report but she did not, saying, "we don't stack charges." She had many questions about the yard. "Yes, it's art," I told her. "The short version is, my neighbours," and I pointed- - - "are assholes." This did not, apparently, satisfy her, but she didn't ask any further questions.
Bullshit, is what I say to the stacking charges point. I know that they do and can. I'm mad because they bother my parents about a goddamn tree, and one of my cars gets stolen and I meet with complete indifference.
Anyway, it cost $470 to have the VAN fixed at Rick's. I asked him about the driver's side sliding door, and he said it would cost ! $249! - for the latch- there apparently isn't one available in the junkyard yet, and I said no, I would wait on that. Dammit.