Ask Cruella Dearest!
Many people have written me in recent weeks asking me for advice, certainly based on my ability to be Thin and Fabulous. I have provided, for my readers' enjoyment, their letters and my responses here. Just remember dear readers; there is no problem in your life that cannot be solved by purchasing a 1987 Buick Grand National with less than 60,000 miles and T-tops and sending it to Cruella Dearest. I live in Decatur, Georgia.
Cruella Dearest;
Christmas is coming, but the bonus check isn't. My husband hasn't been working the shifts we've been used to at the twine factory, and unless we subsist on a diet of rancid Gummi Bears from now until Christmas, we aren't going to be able to buy Christmas presents for anyone! Not even crappy ones. What should I do?
Desperate in Dacula
Dear Desperate;
Your problem is a common one. Many husbands become used to laziness during the holiday season, and as worldwide twine demand has fallen to a 47 year low, I don't see the situation getting any better. But here's how Cruella will help you. Instead of buying a bunch of crappy presents no one wants, buy ONE present no one wants, and then when they reject it, pass it to the next person on your list. An exciting gift idea is a boar's head (they can be purchased at the Wal-Mart on 78). Find a large box to put your boar's head in, and then buy makeup and artificial flowers from Dollar Tree. Make the boar's head up to look like Tammy Faye Bakker, and then put the artificial flowers in the eyes, ears, and snout of the pig. This will truly be the gift that keeps on giving, as once your intended recipients have rejected it, you may boil it up and have a delicious respite from rancid Gummi Bears!
Cruella Dearest;
There's a girl I like, and I think she likes me, but I don't know what to do! Sometimes we try to hang out together but it's kind of awkward.
Shy in Stone Mountain
Dear Shy;
It is not easy to break the ice with some people and I can understand why you are feeling shy! Fear of rejection and the attendant shame is not a happy feeling, plus, she looks like a four-door beeyotch. (that's twice as beeyotchy as a two-door beeyotch). But she is probably just as lonely and desperate as you are. Let her "take it to the next level" by inviting you somewhere, or plan a double date with people whom you can believably claim cancelled at the last minute. Do something to put her off her guard, like serenading her with a sousaphone and she will be too surprised to say no. Then get her drunk. If this doesn't work you can keep picking up skanks at wedding parties until your desperation overcomes your fear.
Cruella Dearest;
I have trouble getting dates. I am in my mid twenties and am seriously considering marrying either a mail-order bride, or a yak. What should I do?
Anxious in Alpharetta.
Dear Anxious;
Were I you, I should divide my leisure time between the zoo, and gated apartment complexes. Young, single ladies are known to frequent gated apartment complexes, and yaks are known to frequent the zoo. You can then decide what is more appealing. Make up the name of a country, and pretend to be the ambassador thereof (you could be, for example, the ambassador from Moldavia) to a yak-infested country, the ruling government may very well give you a yak. It worked for Nixon, and now you know why there were no little pandas resulting from China's gift.
Now to obtain a young lady, have your friends hold a yard sale and dress you up as a garden gnome. When a likely young lady comes along, stand very still. Have your friends convince her to purchase you.
You can then make up your mind more easily.
Cruella Dearest;
I am really dreading Christmas this year because all of my family are right wing Republicans, replete with Bush/Cheney and W stickers all over their cars. They are paleolithic neo-cons, and last year, when I tried to have them watch "Fahrenheit 9/11", they set me on fire and covered me in pureed turnips. I keep trying to explain to them the injustice of the system we are living under and how it oppresses the poor and disenfranchises the weak, but they just chant about their tax cuts and cheer when they see Karl Rove. Even my mother won't listen when I talk about the international conspiracy involving Halliburton. What can I do?
Liberal in LaGrange
Dear Liberal;
You are a deranged moonbat. You should read "Atlas Shrugged" at least 5 times, or more than that if you still don't have any sense.
Cruella Dearest;
I am a ham. What should I do?
Delicious in Dunwoody.
Dear Delicious;
Well, you have two choices here. One of them is to accept your impending mortality, and live up to the challenge of making a great Christmas for someone else. The somewhat unlikely alternative is to hook up with a nice Orthodox Jewish girl who will feel guilty about throwing you away, but also not be able to eat you and then will stick you in the back of her freezer and forget about you, allowing you many years of blissful slumber.
Cruella Dearest;
Christmas is coming, but the bonus check isn't. My husband hasn't been working the shifts we've been used to at the twine factory, and unless we subsist on a diet of rancid Gummi Bears from now until Christmas, we aren't going to be able to buy Christmas presents for anyone! Not even crappy ones. What should I do?
Desperate in Dacula
Dear Desperate;
Your problem is a common one. Many husbands become used to laziness during the holiday season, and as worldwide twine demand has fallen to a 47 year low, I don't see the situation getting any better. But here's how Cruella will help you. Instead of buying a bunch of crappy presents no one wants, buy ONE present no one wants, and then when they reject it, pass it to the next person on your list. An exciting gift idea is a boar's head (they can be purchased at the Wal-Mart on 78). Find a large box to put your boar's head in, and then buy makeup and artificial flowers from Dollar Tree. Make the boar's head up to look like Tammy Faye Bakker, and then put the artificial flowers in the eyes, ears, and snout of the pig. This will truly be the gift that keeps on giving, as once your intended recipients have rejected it, you may boil it up and have a delicious respite from rancid Gummi Bears!
Cruella Dearest;
There's a girl I like, and I think she likes me, but I don't know what to do! Sometimes we try to hang out together but it's kind of awkward.
Shy in Stone Mountain
Dear Shy;
It is not easy to break the ice with some people and I can understand why you are feeling shy! Fear of rejection and the attendant shame is not a happy feeling, plus, she looks like a four-door beeyotch. (that's twice as beeyotchy as a two-door beeyotch). But she is probably just as lonely and desperate as you are. Let her "take it to the next level" by inviting you somewhere, or plan a double date with people whom you can believably claim cancelled at the last minute. Do something to put her off her guard, like serenading her with a sousaphone and she will be too surprised to say no. Then get her drunk. If this doesn't work you can keep picking up skanks at wedding parties until your desperation overcomes your fear.
Cruella Dearest;
I have trouble getting dates. I am in my mid twenties and am seriously considering marrying either a mail-order bride, or a yak. What should I do?
Anxious in Alpharetta.
Dear Anxious;
Were I you, I should divide my leisure time between the zoo, and gated apartment complexes. Young, single ladies are known to frequent gated apartment complexes, and yaks are known to frequent the zoo. You can then decide what is more appealing. Make up the name of a country, and pretend to be the ambassador thereof (you could be, for example, the ambassador from Moldavia) to a yak-infested country, the ruling government may very well give you a yak. It worked for Nixon, and now you know why there were no little pandas resulting from China's gift.
Now to obtain a young lady, have your friends hold a yard sale and dress you up as a garden gnome. When a likely young lady comes along, stand very still. Have your friends convince her to purchase you.
You can then make up your mind more easily.
Cruella Dearest;
I am really dreading Christmas this year because all of my family are right wing Republicans, replete with Bush/Cheney and W stickers all over their cars. They are paleolithic neo-cons, and last year, when I tried to have them watch "Fahrenheit 9/11", they set me on fire and covered me in pureed turnips. I keep trying to explain to them the injustice of the system we are living under and how it oppresses the poor and disenfranchises the weak, but they just chant about their tax cuts and cheer when they see Karl Rove. Even my mother won't listen when I talk about the international conspiracy involving Halliburton. What can I do?
Liberal in LaGrange
Dear Liberal;
You are a deranged moonbat. You should read "Atlas Shrugged" at least 5 times, or more than that if you still don't have any sense.
Cruella Dearest;
I am a ham. What should I do?
Delicious in Dunwoody.
Dear Delicious;
Well, you have two choices here. One of them is to accept your impending mortality, and live up to the challenge of making a great Christmas for someone else. The somewhat unlikely alternative is to hook up with a nice Orthodox Jewish girl who will feel guilty about throwing you away, but also not be able to eat you and then will stick you in the back of her freezer and forget about you, allowing you many years of blissful slumber.
posted by SavageATL at 8:54 AM
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