How to Tell You Are Getting Old!

Yes, kiddies, I am getting OLD, and not the good kind of old, not the kind of old that means I can retire and enjoy the rest of my days somewhere sunny on a cruise ship, but the kind of old that means that I am no longer Cool or likely to set any Trends. Yes, I am the kind of old that is the broken-down Ford Tempo on the Shoulder of the Highway of Life while everyone else, the Young and Beautiful, pass me by. *sniff* Well, you'll be there too someday! And Young People (defined as people who are not You) will ask you what school was like in the days before electricity, and you will have to hit them with your Medicare forms.
So just so you know, I thought I would come up with a short guide to getting older so that you all will know what to expect.

One sign that you are decrepit and ancient is that Christmas ceases to be about Loot and is about People. You no longer care what people give you, probably because you have become finally numb from years of receiving craptastic gifts. You no longer really care about what you get people either; you're more interested in their company. Also at this point you have a house full of stuff anyway.

Another sign that you are getting older is that stories about projectile vomiting induce expressions of sympathy from your friends instead of hysterical laughter.

9 A.M. starts seeming like a good time to get up on Saturday morning rather than go to bed.

You pay more attention to stock charts than to your favourite band's chart placement.

Your clothes no longer reek of cigarette smoke because you don't spend time in smoky bars anymore.

What kind of food is served at parties starts to take precedence over what kind of drinks are served.

Waffle House is no longer one of the four food groups.

You can carry on conversations with other people at parties and be heard above the music.

You have been inside of a furniture store of your own volition and you may have even purchased something; the furniture you picked up from the side of the road returns to its rightful home.

You start caring about what gets spilled on the rug.

You are acquainted with the produce section of the supermarket, not just the beer and chips aisles.

You start going to the dry cleaner because you can no longer get away with wearing jeans and a t-shirt every single day of the week.