I Want to be a Nutball Commie Dictator.
Everybody knows that Kim Jong Il claims to have exploded a nuclear weapon and they are all getting their collective panties in a wad about it. The Official World View is that he is some kind of Nutball, frequently indicated in the Western media by references to his "platform shoes" and "bouffant hairstyle."
Huh. I don't think that having a "bouffant hairstyle" or "platform shoes" are clear indicators of insanity, although they do go some distance towards explaining the '70's. I think part of the privilege of being a shunned commie dictator is that you can wear whatever the hell you want. If I were a commie dictator, I would wear platform BOOTS, especially the kind that go clip-clop, and as bouffanty a hairstyle as possible. MY hair would be practically a beehive, or some long spiky mohawky thing. He's got some kind of fabulousness going, but he needs to ditch the huge wire rim glasses for some huge plastic frame glasses, preferably in bright red, a la Sally Jessy Raphael, and wear less drab clothing.
I really don't get the he-so-crazy part. He's actually a better dresser than Fidel Castro with his two-larks-and-a-hen beard, and he looks sort of better than, say, Saddam Hussein did in his questionable glory days. I really don't think he's as nuts as some people think he is. Yes, he has nuclear (I should have a television just to hear Bush say, in Eisenhowerese, nucular) weapons, but that's, um, his bargaining tool to keep getting China and everybody else to give him money. It makes sense. Here you are, the bouffant haired, platform shod, opera writing dictator of a country in which people eat tree bark- if he were African, he would be eating them a la Idi Amin and his people would be killing each other, so you have to say he must be doing something right.
I'm not really concerned about the nucular weapon thing, actually; I'm more concerned about the fact that North Korea doesn't export anything, except for counterfeit US currency, and that can only get you so far before people really don't believe in your money anymore. You may not have noticed this, because only really old and sort of crazy people like my mother only pay for things with cash anymore, and money they've hidden around the house in odd places over the years at that, so they haven't seen how our currency has degenerated. But money has gotten really f*d up. It's now strange colours, like barfed-up smarties, and has random things printed on it, like "We the People." I honestly would not have accepted the last $10 bill I got, except that I got it from SunTrust and made the cashier promise (I kid you not) that it was real, and I could go spend it. Y'all, American money is supposed to be ONE colour, GREEN, and say only the things it is supposed to say on it, like the Ten Dollar Bill is supposed to have, on the back, the Treasury with the little car in front of it. OK? And the dollar is supposed to have the pyramid with the eye over it, OK? So the point to this is that I am much more concerned with this Kim Jong Il person f*cking with our cash than I am with his nucular weapons (say it like Bush, isn't that fun? Nucular. Nucular!) This guy could make us print money with practically ANYTHING on it, like Europe does where they have "windows and bridges" on their money. Next week we'll take Andrew Jackson off of the 20 and substitute Rosa Parks and put a bus on the back and make it rainbow coloured, and it will say, How do you spell relief? R-o-l-a-i-d-s.
I also don't think we have much to worry about because he hasn't started demanding, as far as I know, really off-the wall things. He says, and this makes sense to me, Look! I have a nucular weapon! Give me money, and food, or I will use it on you! I bet Castro is all envious, because the best he can do for support is that equally tinpot dictator from Venezuela.
I wish I were a Commie Dictator, and I could have huge airbrushed pictures of myself everywhere, and, like Kim Jong Il, I would also write operas. Ewww, can you imagine what an opera sounds like in Korean? I would write operas like To the Eternal Glory of the Woggy Husband! and Lo! Shine Forth the Revolutionary Struggle of the Woggy Husband! and Ha ha Americans! We are Making Your Money Look Stupid and You Can't Stop Us! and Let Every Brother of this Country Be as Valiant in Bed as the Woggy Husband!
They would have songs like this, only we would sing them in a foreign language so that they would rhyme and not sound too stupid.
How glorious is the Woggy Husband!
He is all brown and soft! His skin is like the finest silk!
His muscles are like big rocks!
Oh! The Woggy Husband's head is fuzzy!
And woolly, like a soft and gentle sheep!
His laugh is like the soft chuckling of the buck!
And there would be lots more like that, several hours worth. And I would make people dance and do gymnastics too, or I would feed them to my crocodiles.
Huh. I don't think that having a "bouffant hairstyle" or "platform shoes" are clear indicators of insanity, although they do go some distance towards explaining the '70's. I think part of the privilege of being a shunned commie dictator is that you can wear whatever the hell you want. If I were a commie dictator, I would wear platform BOOTS, especially the kind that go clip-clop, and as bouffanty a hairstyle as possible. MY hair would be practically a beehive, or some long spiky mohawky thing. He's got some kind of fabulousness going, but he needs to ditch the huge wire rim glasses for some huge plastic frame glasses, preferably in bright red, a la Sally Jessy Raphael, and wear less drab clothing.
I really don't get the he-so-crazy part. He's actually a better dresser than Fidel Castro with his two-larks-and-a-hen beard, and he looks sort of better than, say, Saddam Hussein did in his questionable glory days. I really don't think he's as nuts as some people think he is. Yes, he has nuclear (I should have a television just to hear Bush say, in Eisenhowerese, nucular) weapons, but that's, um, his bargaining tool to keep getting China and everybody else to give him money. It makes sense. Here you are, the bouffant haired, platform shod, opera writing dictator of a country in which people eat tree bark- if he were African, he would be eating them a la Idi Amin and his people would be killing each other, so you have to say he must be doing something right.
I'm not really concerned about the nucular weapon thing, actually; I'm more concerned about the fact that North Korea doesn't export anything, except for counterfeit US currency, and that can only get you so far before people really don't believe in your money anymore. You may not have noticed this, because only really old and sort of crazy people like my mother only pay for things with cash anymore, and money they've hidden around the house in odd places over the years at that, so they haven't seen how our currency has degenerated. But money has gotten really f*d up. It's now strange colours, like barfed-up smarties, and has random things printed on it, like "We the People." I honestly would not have accepted the last $10 bill I got, except that I got it from SunTrust and made the cashier promise (I kid you not) that it was real, and I could go spend it. Y'all, American money is supposed to be ONE colour, GREEN, and say only the things it is supposed to say on it, like the Ten Dollar Bill is supposed to have, on the back, the Treasury with the little car in front of it. OK? And the dollar is supposed to have the pyramid with the eye over it, OK? So the point to this is that I am much more concerned with this Kim Jong Il person f*cking with our cash than I am with his nucular weapons (say it like Bush, isn't that fun? Nucular. Nucular!) This guy could make us print money with practically ANYTHING on it, like Europe does where they have "windows and bridges" on their money. Next week we'll take Andrew Jackson off of the 20 and substitute Rosa Parks and put a bus on the back and make it rainbow coloured, and it will say, How do you spell relief? R-o-l-a-i-d-s.
I also don't think we have much to worry about because he hasn't started demanding, as far as I know, really off-the wall things. He says, and this makes sense to me, Look! I have a nucular weapon! Give me money, and food, or I will use it on you! I bet Castro is all envious, because the best he can do for support is that equally tinpot dictator from Venezuela.
I wish I were a Commie Dictator, and I could have huge airbrushed pictures of myself everywhere, and, like Kim Jong Il, I would also write operas. Ewww, can you imagine what an opera sounds like in Korean? I would write operas like To the Eternal Glory of the Woggy Husband! and Lo! Shine Forth the Revolutionary Struggle of the Woggy Husband! and Ha ha Americans! We are Making Your Money Look Stupid and You Can't Stop Us! and Let Every Brother of this Country Be as Valiant in Bed as the Woggy Husband!
They would have songs like this, only we would sing them in a foreign language so that they would rhyme and not sound too stupid.
How glorious is the Woggy Husband!
He is all brown and soft! His skin is like the finest silk!
His muscles are like big rocks!
Oh! The Woggy Husband's head is fuzzy!
And woolly, like a soft and gentle sheep!
His laugh is like the soft chuckling of the buck!
And there would be lots more like that, several hours worth. And I would make people dance and do gymnastics too, or I would feed them to my crocodiles.
posted by SavageATL at 1:29 PM
2 Comments:
You're wrong about the new money. Color is fantastic, and we need more of it. The next thing, however, will be video money, and then money you can personalize. There will be designer money.
Stop mentioning Pauly Shore--people haven't thought about him in years, and he's no longer a punchline. And the fact that I'm saying this to you, when I don't listen to any post-1999 music, is sad. Sad indeed.
Ok, I fixed it. It now should read "Robin Williams" instead of "Pauly Shore".
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