Ask Cruella Dearest!
O Cruella Dearest;
Have you read any different books recently? I'm tired of you recommending the same stuffy people that you read all the time.
Literary in Lilburn
Dear Literary;
First of all, the authors I read are not stuffy, and I do try to read new things occasionally, but some of the new things I read are not things that really could be recommended to others. If you are interested, for example, in reading "King Tiger (really) alarm owner's manual" you already know who you are and don't need my help. By the way, I have excellent and catholic literary taste; I will attempt to read anything, almost, except for things like "People" magazine or Jack Kerouac's "books."
So Daniel recommended that I read a book recently, and it was just about the stupidest book I ever almost finished reading. I still remember only one other book that I got disgusted with and did not finish reading; I even finished reading that idiotic Ya-Ya book. The other book I did not finish reading was "Lolita."
This book was almost as bad, except this book was called "The Ruins" and featured instead of a pathetic pederastic professor, vicious voracious vines. Yes, children, this book has made it to the top of the best seller list and I will ruin the plot for you so you don't waste your time or money. There are vines, and they eat people.
Anyway, I would go into a long critique of the book but when you get down to it, Vines that Eat People- - - that's all you need to know, isn't it? And trust me, it's even dumber than it sounds.
I told you pot made you stupid, and here's ample evidence of it.
O Cruella Dearest;
I have desperately fallen in love with a man who owns a coffee shop that I like to frequent. He is also attracted to me, and I feel like we really have potential! In fact, we've gotten together a few times and done a few things, as in, I don't know if I'm a vegetarian anymore, because can you still be a vegetarian if you just put the meat in your mouth and then take it back out? Without really eating it.
I really don't always feel comfortable in this relationship, because I'm really ready for love and want it from him, but he doesn't pay as much attention to me as I think he should, like when I go into the coffee shop, he doesn't say hi to me! And he doesn't send me cards, or flowers, or call me. What do you think I should do?
Anxious in Alpharetta.
Dear Anxious;
I am writing a reality check right now, made out to you, Anxious in Alpharetta, in the amount of Get the Hell Over Him.
What is with (some) women? There are men whom they would not look at twice if they weren't married, but then once these men are married, they suddenly become desireable.
The only good option here, truthfully, is to regretfully sigh and walk away and perhaps write bad poetry about this. There are a couple of other paths this could realistically take.
A) You could continue your position as The Other Woman for a while. The definition of being The Other Woman is that he'll see you how and when it's convenient for him! If you want a Real Relationship, defined by women as one in which the man is available when she feels like it to talk about her Feelings, that is hard to achieve with ANY guy. You are coming into his highly gossipy workplace and flirting with him; he simply cannot reciprocate in the way you want. Get over it.
If you are hoping that he will break things off with his wife and start a relationship with you- - - who are you trying to kid? Visit www. AIN'TGONNAHAPPEN.com for some more information. Even if men who, let us be charitable, are having marital difficulties, leave their wives, they don't end up with The Other Woman. The Other Woman may be the Catalyst which helps them along, but truthfully, way back in Men's brains they think if the woman would go out with a married man, she's a slut. OK? Not "respectable" not trustworthy, not the kind of woman they want to Marry. Watch some old Bette Davis/Joan Crawford movies. THE RULES STILL APPLY.
Honestly, you're a nice lady, straight men seem to find you attractive, you can do better. Yes, you are going to have to compromise. Cute, sexy guys don't always make a lot of money. Guys who make enough money aren't always sexy. Nice guys aren't attractive. Sometimes, people are late, or unreliable or whatever. Start with AVAILABLE and work with what you get.
O Cruella Dearest;
I want a tattoo, pony, a pair of cowboy boots, and a four-wheeler for Christmas. And a mohawk. I am 37 years old.
Silly/Sexy in Suwanee
Dear Silly/Sexy;
Wow! Cruella Dearest is going to have to reorder reality checks! She keeps having to write them, along with the regular checks!
First of all, you hate needles and your newer nipple ring STILL hurts. Tattoos are no longer an emblem of Fierce Individuality and Rebelliousness; Any poser can get a tattoo and often does. For example, John Roberts has a finely detailed tattoo of Antonin Scalia on his ankle; and lots of other really dorky people, like Bill Gates, and accountants, have tattoos. OK? Mr Rogers had a tattoo of the Make-Believe train encircling his upper right arm, and you really don't want to know about Dick Cheney's tattoos. Trust me. The last person who spoke about his tattoos, was that lawyer who got SHOT IN THE FACE for it.
If you really want a tattoo I will draw a nice bull on your arm with a Sharpie. FOR FREE.
You can't have a pony.
I guess you can have cowboy boots, but I hope I see some nice ones at Value Village between now and Christmas.
You have a vehicle with four wheels, a new minivan, and you should be happy. There is nowhere we can ride a four wheeler and they are dangerous besides.
Remember darlings, Christmas is a time to remember those Less Fortunate than us. (In all the world, there are currently only 3 people in Bangladesh and only one in lower Sudan who are Less Fortunate than we are, we are really scraping the bottom here.) What you might get for Christmas, if we are lucky, is I MIGHT pay the gas bill and we MIGHT continue to have heat.
O Cruella Dearest;
I need new friends. All of my friends are stone losers.
O Cruella Dearest;
How can I be more like you? I, too, want to be Piercingly brilliant, strikingly beautiful, and have a magnetic personality.
Don't wear brown shoes with a blue suit.
Don't eat at restaurants that feature singing animatronic rats.
Don't suffer fools gladly.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Don't wear clothes to school/work that you changed your oil in.
Don't twitch.
Don't mumble.
Don't make people divine what it is that you feel or what you want. You can't complain that you aren't getting it unless you come right out and tell them, often, and at full volume.
Your pets are NOT your children, OK? NOT. And you may love them, and that is wonderful! Really! But other people do not have to love your leaky cat or dog that farts. And are likely not to.
Don't go out of your way to be shallow and center your life around celebrities and the lives of people who don't actually exist, i.e., TV characters. If you can't gossip about people who you can actually get drunk and call at inappropriate times, you need to get out and meet some more people.
Have you read any different books recently? I'm tired of you recommending the same stuffy people that you read all the time.
Literary in Lilburn
Dear Literary;
First of all, the authors I read are not stuffy, and I do try to read new things occasionally, but some of the new things I read are not things that really could be recommended to others. If you are interested, for example, in reading "King Tiger (really) alarm owner's manual" you already know who you are and don't need my help. By the way, I have excellent and catholic literary taste; I will attempt to read anything, almost, except for things like "People" magazine or Jack Kerouac's "books."
So Daniel recommended that I read a book recently, and it was just about the stupidest book I ever almost finished reading. I still remember only one other book that I got disgusted with and did not finish reading; I even finished reading that idiotic Ya-Ya book. The other book I did not finish reading was "Lolita."
This book was almost as bad, except this book was called "The Ruins" and featured instead of a pathetic pederastic professor, vicious voracious vines. Yes, children, this book has made it to the top of the best seller list and I will ruin the plot for you so you don't waste your time or money. There are vines, and they eat people.
Anyway, I would go into a long critique of the book but when you get down to it, Vines that Eat People- - - that's all you need to know, isn't it? And trust me, it's even dumber than it sounds.
I told you pot made you stupid, and here's ample evidence of it.
O Cruella Dearest;
I have desperately fallen in love with a man who owns a coffee shop that I like to frequent. He is also attracted to me, and I feel like we really have potential! In fact, we've gotten together a few times and done a few things, as in, I don't know if I'm a vegetarian anymore, because can you still be a vegetarian if you just put the meat in your mouth and then take it back out? Without really eating it.
I really don't always feel comfortable in this relationship, because I'm really ready for love and want it from him, but he doesn't pay as much attention to me as I think he should, like when I go into the coffee shop, he doesn't say hi to me! And he doesn't send me cards, or flowers, or call me. What do you think I should do?
Anxious in Alpharetta.
Dear Anxious;
I am writing a reality check right now, made out to you, Anxious in Alpharetta, in the amount of Get the Hell Over Him.
What is with (some) women? There are men whom they would not look at twice if they weren't married, but then once these men are married, they suddenly become desireable.
The only good option here, truthfully, is to regretfully sigh and walk away and perhaps write bad poetry about this. There are a couple of other paths this could realistically take.
A) You could continue your position as The Other Woman for a while. The definition of being The Other Woman is that he'll see you how and when it's convenient for him! If you want a Real Relationship, defined by women as one in which the man is available when she feels like it to talk about her Feelings, that is hard to achieve with ANY guy. You are coming into his highly gossipy workplace and flirting with him; he simply cannot reciprocate in the way you want. Get over it.
If you are hoping that he will break things off with his wife and start a relationship with you- - - who are you trying to kid? Visit www. AIN'TGONNAHAPPEN.com for some more information. Even if men who, let us be charitable, are having marital difficulties, leave their wives, they don't end up with The Other Woman. The Other Woman may be the Catalyst which helps them along, but truthfully, way back in Men's brains they think if the woman would go out with a married man, she's a slut. OK? Not "respectable" not trustworthy, not the kind of woman they want to Marry. Watch some old Bette Davis/Joan Crawford movies. THE RULES STILL APPLY.
Honestly, you're a nice lady, straight men seem to find you attractive, you can do better. Yes, you are going to have to compromise. Cute, sexy guys don't always make a lot of money. Guys who make enough money aren't always sexy. Nice guys aren't attractive. Sometimes, people are late, or unreliable or whatever. Start with AVAILABLE and work with what you get.
O Cruella Dearest;
I want a tattoo, pony, a pair of cowboy boots, and a four-wheeler for Christmas. And a mohawk. I am 37 years old.
Silly/Sexy in Suwanee
Dear Silly/Sexy;
Wow! Cruella Dearest is going to have to reorder reality checks! She keeps having to write them, along with the regular checks!
First of all, you hate needles and your newer nipple ring STILL hurts. Tattoos are no longer an emblem of Fierce Individuality and Rebelliousness; Any poser can get a tattoo and often does. For example, John Roberts has a finely detailed tattoo of Antonin Scalia on his ankle; and lots of other really dorky people, like Bill Gates, and accountants, have tattoos. OK? Mr Rogers had a tattoo of the Make-Believe train encircling his upper right arm, and you really don't want to know about Dick Cheney's tattoos. Trust me. The last person who spoke about his tattoos, was that lawyer who got SHOT IN THE FACE for it.
If you really want a tattoo I will draw a nice bull on your arm with a Sharpie. FOR FREE.
You can't have a pony.
I guess you can have cowboy boots, but I hope I see some nice ones at Value Village between now and Christmas.
You have a vehicle with four wheels, a new minivan, and you should be happy. There is nowhere we can ride a four wheeler and they are dangerous besides.
Remember darlings, Christmas is a time to remember those Less Fortunate than us. (In all the world, there are currently only 3 people in Bangladesh and only one in lower Sudan who are Less Fortunate than we are, we are really scraping the bottom here.) What you might get for Christmas, if we are lucky, is I MIGHT pay the gas bill and we MIGHT continue to have heat.
O Cruella Dearest;
I need new friends. All of my friends are stone losers.
O Cruella Dearest;
How can I be more like you? I, too, want to be Piercingly brilliant, strikingly beautiful, and have a magnetic personality.
Don't wear brown shoes with a blue suit.
Don't eat at restaurants that feature singing animatronic rats.
Don't suffer fools gladly.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Don't wear clothes to school/work that you changed your oil in.
Don't twitch.
Don't mumble.
Don't make people divine what it is that you feel or what you want. You can't complain that you aren't getting it unless you come right out and tell them, often, and at full volume.
Your pets are NOT your children, OK? NOT. And you may love them, and that is wonderful! Really! But other people do not have to love your leaky cat or dog that farts. And are likely not to.
Don't go out of your way to be shallow and center your life around celebrities and the lives of people who don't actually exist, i.e., TV characters. If you can't gossip about people who you can actually get drunk and call at inappropriate times, you need to get out and meet some more people.
posted by SavageATL at 9:03 AM
2 Comments:
I've figured out about the 37-year old who wants a pony, blahblahblahblah... And I've determined: That's all about me! Except that I'm not yet 37 and want none of those things except the Mohawk. But even I understand that my hair just gets too fine at the crown to pull it off. DAMN YOU GENES!!!!! There's nothing like a curly mohawk, and I fully endorse one in whoever can grow one.
In the first answer: Really, Buquishra. How many people do you expect to know the meaning of the word catholic (as opposed to Catholic)? Don't you find using it just a bit precieux (not sure if there should be an accent there), considering that you KNOW that the preponderance of your audience isn't aware that it means 'universal.' Myself excluded, but only because this is a good day. Generally I am quite the dim bulb.
I require more blog entries from you. And don't turn it around and say I don't write anything either, because I can't write anywhere near as well as you and you know it and I know it and Sharon Stone would know it if she read these blogs and the crabs in my underwear know it, because that's what I tell them while I'm bitterly scratching. So post more frequently, dammit Janet!!!!!
Det var allt.
Beep! (That's Swedish for 'Beep!')
E
First of all, thanx for the comment. By the way, Silly/Sexy first got Cornrows, which looked Awful; he looked like a middle schooler, then he asked me to pull out his cornrows so now he looks like that sort of dinosaur which had a frill in the middle of its head.
And I expect my blog to be, like me, an EDUCATIONAL experience! Just because other people around me say things like "moldering isn't a word" and "meat doesn't have vitamins" doesn't mean that I shouldn't correct them. Even referenced person's GIRLFRIEND is frustrated when he doesn't know something. And you know I am precieux.
I do try to write more, but you see, my writing time is frequently taken up by students accusing each other's sisters of being "a slut with a capital L"
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