New Complicated Joke
Well, the other night the ladies across the street and their friend Tristan had me over and I drank a whole LOT of gin, the consequence was, I have a new joke.
Somehow, creativity always seems to come upon me in the ebb tide of such events.
So the joke is that, home appliances should have a "bachelor" setting.
As in, the washing machine would have a "bachelor" setting, where it would know that the single male just crammed in all of his laundry unsorted. The dishwasher would have a "bachelor" setting where it knew to extra, extra rinse the dishes and that the bachelor might have even put hubcaps in there. Some appliances already have a "bachelor" setting, witness irons and coffeemakers that turn themselves off after a few minutes. The oven would have a "bachelor" setting that would automatically make frozen pizza, and it would remind the "bachelor" to take the pizza OUT of the WRAPPING. The refrigerator could detect mold spores and inform the Bachelor that milk is not supposed to be furry or green. The iron would refuse to iron the Bachelor's clothing while he is wearing it.
Now some people will object to this as nagging, if your appliances start telling you what to do. "If I wanted that, I would get a girlfriend," they say. But see, what I would do, is have the appliance start by distracting the Bachelor by conversations about sports.
Oven: Didja catch the Knicks game?
Bachelor: Yes, I did (blah blah, sports banter)
Oven: Yes, (appropriate sports banter for basketball game) Don't forget to unwrap the pizza!
So what else has been happening with me?
Y'all, I am just about to Give Up. Seriously. I was talking to this one dude online, and then I went to meet him, and he was like 300+ pounds, and in a wheelchair, and his apartment REEKED of pee. Like, even if he had been Vin Diesel? No way. It smelt way too bad. I thought the palsied guy was - a surprise- but God has more in store for me. Clearly. I'm just waiting until I meet up with Edith Massey's corpse.
But I keep pulling myself forward, because of the goddamn neighbours, giving up and having eleventy cats is not an option.
Now "Robin" has been interested, and I am too, but that is a very hypothetical thing what with him in Richmond and me being here. So that is all very theoretical. And I am thinking, although he is interested, and that would be good, I am not getting any cuter.
And I have applied for every job in the known universe, to no end. I don't think I've had an actual interview for an actual non-document review job since May of last year. I don't know what is going on.
What happened with you and that one attorney?
He gives me work very sporadically. I don't really understand it, and he's only paying me $11.25/hr, so - - - I had hoped it would develop into something, but it did not.
This is frankly rather depressing. I keep looking backwards over my life- and one thing that does give me hope is that most of the times that seem now golden in distant memory, were actually just as tough when I was going through them. So this is probably not as wretched as it seems right now. I'm just very, very tired.
Oooh, and I am MAD at everyone for not showing up to my birthday. I guess that's selfish and childish, but at a certain point- if you expect everyone to show up to yours, then you can do me the favour once a year of coming to mine. Actually, to say everyone didn't show up is a flat lie, but all of Alex's friends showed up and not a single one of mine. Although I would say that Alex's friends are my friends too.
Somehow, creativity always seems to come upon me in the ebb tide of such events.
So the joke is that, home appliances should have a "bachelor" setting.
As in, the washing machine would have a "bachelor" setting, where it would know that the single male just crammed in all of his laundry unsorted. The dishwasher would have a "bachelor" setting where it knew to extra, extra rinse the dishes and that the bachelor might have even put hubcaps in there. Some appliances already have a "bachelor" setting, witness irons and coffeemakers that turn themselves off after a few minutes. The oven would have a "bachelor" setting that would automatically make frozen pizza, and it would remind the "bachelor" to take the pizza OUT of the WRAPPING. The refrigerator could detect mold spores and inform the Bachelor that milk is not supposed to be furry or green. The iron would refuse to iron the Bachelor's clothing while he is wearing it.
Now some people will object to this as nagging, if your appliances start telling you what to do. "If I wanted that, I would get a girlfriend," they say. But see, what I would do, is have the appliance start by distracting the Bachelor by conversations about sports.
Oven: Didja catch the Knicks game?
Bachelor: Yes, I did (blah blah, sports banter)
Oven: Yes, (appropriate sports banter for basketball game) Don't forget to unwrap the pizza!
So what else has been happening with me?
Y'all, I am just about to Give Up. Seriously. I was talking to this one dude online, and then I went to meet him, and he was like 300+ pounds, and in a wheelchair, and his apartment REEKED of pee. Like, even if he had been Vin Diesel? No way. It smelt way too bad. I thought the palsied guy was - a surprise- but God has more in store for me. Clearly. I'm just waiting until I meet up with Edith Massey's corpse.
But I keep pulling myself forward, because of the goddamn neighbours, giving up and having eleventy cats is not an option.
Now "Robin" has been interested, and I am too, but that is a very hypothetical thing what with him in Richmond and me being here. So that is all very theoretical. And I am thinking, although he is interested, and that would be good, I am not getting any cuter.
And I have applied for every job in the known universe, to no end. I don't think I've had an actual interview for an actual non-document review job since May of last year. I don't know what is going on.
What happened with you and that one attorney?
He gives me work very sporadically. I don't really understand it, and he's only paying me $11.25/hr, so - - - I had hoped it would develop into something, but it did not.
This is frankly rather depressing. I keep looking backwards over my life- and one thing that does give me hope is that most of the times that seem now golden in distant memory, were actually just as tough when I was going through them. So this is probably not as wretched as it seems right now. I'm just very, very tired.
Oooh, and I am MAD at everyone for not showing up to my birthday. I guess that's selfish and childish, but at a certain point- if you expect everyone to show up to yours, then you can do me the favour once a year of coming to mine. Actually, to say everyone didn't show up is a flat lie, but all of Alex's friends showed up and not a single one of mine. Although I would say that Alex's friends are my friends too.
posted by SavageATL at 8:39 PM
1 Comments:
Cruella, as you consider the people in your life for 2012, I strongly encourage you to think about the person you are and the kind of person you want to be. Life is too short to be abused verbally, physically, sexually, emotionally, or psychologically. Friendship at any level should be reciprocal. If you are not receiving positive interactions from your friends, then you may need to love those friends from a distance. Your true friends will not take advantage or abuse you. Your friends will cost share. Your friends will love you unconditionally yet challenge you to improve yourself so you can reach your highest good or possibilities. Once again, life is too short to limit yourself to possibilities or to become stagnated right where some people, who are in misery, want you to be just so they can continue to manipulate or take advantage of you. Well, my sentences have become too long, but I'm so serious. You should want honest friendships. You are loved by people, but always ask yourself why so you can discern who really cares about you. Love ya!!!
Cheers,
nobreeze247
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