Accounting Jokes
Well, y'all, I went on Alex's Bachelor party weekend, although, he is neither a bachelor nor was it a party but it was fun.
I cooked and I did not do what I was threatening him with, although he has no idea what I was threatening him with, I got him all worked up, which was the point.
Witness the following textual exchange!
Me, trying to provoke him: (That one you got is not squishy enough. Are you going to have time to get another on Friday before you go or are you riding with me after court?)
Alex got very upset. “What is not squishy? What are you talking about?”
? I haven’t sent the application yet, if that is what you are asking?
What is not squishy?
(Oops, never mind.)
What do you mean, oops?
(I meant oops is all)
No you didn’t. What are you talking about?
(I REALLY meant oops i hadn’t finished application . . . ;)
What is not squishy enough?
(mmm. Don’t worry about it, have a nice day!)
Have fun this weekend!
(Oh, we shall!)
It won’t be with us!
(Woo, woo, yes it will, y’all will be all morose and glum without me. And have tiara emergencies.)
Fine remember you don’t know where we are staying and you don’t have keys to the place
(I have ways of finding out! And my revenge will be glitterriffic!)
Good luck
No I don’t have to put up with this act right or stay home.
(I am acting right!)
Have fun at home then!
I went anyway and had fun. Joe, Justin, Jason, Jeff, Sailor Moon, Trey Norwood, and Alex and I went. i had rather hoped for some Daniel-style hijinks but no.
Related to that, I have some accounting jokes! I think that I should present these at the wedding as well.
Pick-Up Lines to use on Accounting Chicks
* You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.
* Please, baby, let me withhold you.
* Nice assets.
* Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.
* In my office, I.R.S. stands for I'm Really Sexy.
* Let's fill out a 1040 - you are a 10 and I'm a 40.
* If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?
* Technically, having sex with me is like a charitable gift.
* You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income... now let's do it.
* You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
You might be an Accountant if...
* you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
* you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".
* you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.
* at the move Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
* getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
* your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
* you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
* you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.
Talking Frog
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your girlfriend for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll marry you, cook your meals, and do your laundry." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll marry you, I'll cook your meals and even do your laundry. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a wife, but a talking frog is cool!
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he is boring.
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, “I m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?” The owner replies, “I don’t have an opinion. I m a chartered accountant.”
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. “This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.” The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?” “One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.” “I ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”
I cooked and I did not do what I was threatening him with, although he has no idea what I was threatening him with, I got him all worked up, which was the point.
Witness the following textual exchange!
Me, trying to provoke him: (That one you got is not squishy enough. Are you going to have time to get another on Friday before you go or are you riding with me after court?)
Alex got very upset. “What is not squishy? What are you talking about?”
? I haven’t sent the application yet, if that is what you are asking?
What is not squishy?
(Oops, never mind.)
What do you mean, oops?
(I meant oops is all)
No you didn’t. What are you talking about?
(I REALLY meant oops i hadn’t finished application . . . ;)
What is not squishy enough?
(mmm. Don’t worry about it, have a nice day!)
Have fun this weekend!
(Oh, we shall!)
It won’t be with us!
(Woo, woo, yes it will, y’all will be all morose and glum without me. And have tiara emergencies.)
Fine remember you don’t know where we are staying and you don’t have keys to the place
(I have ways of finding out! And my revenge will be glitterriffic!)
Good luck
No I don’t have to put up with this act right or stay home.
(I am acting right!)
Have fun at home then!
I went anyway and had fun. Joe, Justin, Jason, Jeff, Sailor Moon, Trey Norwood, and Alex and I went. i had rather hoped for some Daniel-style hijinks but no.
Related to that, I have some accounting jokes! I think that I should present these at the wedding as well.
Pick-Up Lines to use on Accounting Chicks
* You've got a lovely pair of W-2's.
* Please, baby, let me withhold you.
* Nice assets.
* Lady, you make my pants file for an extension.
* In my office, I.R.S. stands for I'm Really Sexy.
* Let's fill out a 1040 - you are a 10 and I'm a 40.
* If I help you screw Uncle Sam, can I be next?
* Technically, having sex with me is like a charitable gift.
* You're entitled to a $5,000 tax break on your municipal bond income... now let's do it.
* You're the kind of girl I could take home to mother - which is good, since I still live with her.
If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."
You might be an Accountant if...
* you refer to your child as Deduction 214.
* you deduct Exlax as "Moving expenses".
* you have no idea that GAP is also a clothing store.
* at the move Indecent Proposal you did a NPV calculation.
* getting to sleep is an exciting event that you look forward to all day long.
* your idea of trashing your hotel room is refusing to fill out the guest comment card.
* you are doing it now because you checked the file and found that you did it last year.
* you decide to change your name to a symbol and you choose the double underline "======".
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
What's an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he is talking to you instead of his own.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He couldn't budget so he had to work it out with paper and pencil.
Talking Frog
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your girlfriend for an entire week."
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll marry you, cook your meals, and do your laundry." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you that I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll marry you, I'll cook your meals and even do your laundry. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a wife, but a talking frog is cool!
What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? The accountant knows he is boring.
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, “I m a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?” The owner replies, “I don’t have an opinion. I m a chartered accountant.”
The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. “This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.” The patient is pleased. He asks, “What were their jobs?” “One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.” “I ll take the accountant’s heart,” says the patient. “I want one that hasn’t been used.”
posted by SavageATL at 8:18 PM
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