Cowonomics
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more.
To get away with murder, you get the White House involved and hire million dollar paper shredders.
When shit hits the fan, you hire experts to eliminate witness with accidents and heart attacks.
The public buys your bull. Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?
==========================================
CALIFORNIA HAPPY COWS
Crowd herd of happy fun loving cows into a small dirt lot.
Feed cows weeds.
Hire Hollywood to show commercial of HAPPY COWS in green pastures.
Smoke weed left over from cow feeding.
Make millions selling "HAPPY MILK."
CALIFORNIA #2
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
==========================================
CORPORATE LIFE in the USA....
AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
The state has previously told you how to milk your cows, when to milk your cows, how much to milk your cows and the most that you can charge for the milk.
The state now leads you to believe that you will be allowed to actually manage your cows yourself.
You propose a plan to do so, but the state insists on continuing to tell you how much you can charge for the milk.
You agree, since under the plan, you'll still make a profit.
However, the price of feed skyrockets and you go broke.
The state spends millions buying feed on your behalf, and blames you for the current milk shortage.
FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
ARKANSAS
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
==========================================
American Political Parties....
REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So what?
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
==========================================
Corporations around the world....
CHINA:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
FRANCE:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch. Life is good.
GERMANY:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years eat once a month milk themselves are all blond drink lots of beer give excellent quality milk and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
GREAT BRITAIN:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
INDIA/HINDU:
You have two cows.
You worship them.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
ISRAEL:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights.
They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
So, who needs people?
ITALY:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
JAPAN:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.
NEW ZEALAND:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
POLAND:
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
RUSSIA:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have 5 cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your tenth 5-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
SWITZERLAND:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
TALIBAN:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
==========================================
"...ISMs"....
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, then shoots you.
FASCISM, I:
You have two cows.
The government allows you to keep your cows, but tells you when, where, to whom, and for how much you may sell the milk, and you may not sell your cows without government permission.
FASCISM, II:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
FEUDALISM:
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
COMMUNISM, I:
You have two cows.
Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.
COMMUNISM, II:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
SOCIALISM, I:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
SOCIALISM, II:
You have two cows.
You keep one, but must give the other to your neighbor.
TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army.
Milk is banned.
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on six more.
To get away with murder, you get the White House involved and hire million dollar paper shredders.
When shit hits the fan, you hire experts to eliminate witness with accidents and heart attacks.
The public buys your bull. Now do you see why a company with $62 billion in assets is declaring bankruptcy?
==========================================
CALIFORNIA HAPPY COWS
Crowd herd of happy fun loving cows into a small dirt lot.
Feed cows weeds.
Hire Hollywood to show commercial of HAPPY COWS in green pastures.
Smoke weed left over from cow feeding.
Make millions selling "HAPPY MILK."
CALIFORNIA #2
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn't.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help "working cows".
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm "for the children".
Gray Davis signs a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times' analysis shows your business failure is Bush's fault.
==========================================
CORPORATE LIFE in the USA....
AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
The state has previously told you how to milk your cows, when to milk your cows, how much to milk your cows and the most that you can charge for the milk.
The state now leads you to believe that you will be allowed to actually manage your cows yourself.
You propose a plan to do so, but the state insists on continuing to tell you how much you can charge for the milk.
You agree, since under the plan, you'll still make a profit.
However, the price of feed skyrockets and you go broke.
The state spends millions buying feed on your behalf, and blames you for the current milk shortage.
FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.
NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows.
You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
ARKANSAS
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
==========================================
American Political Parties....
REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So what?
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor.
You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
==========================================
Corporations around the world....
CHINA:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.
FRANCE:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch. Life is good.
GERMANY:
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years eat once a month milk themselves are all blond drink lots of beer give excellent quality milk and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
GREAT BRITAIN:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
INDIA/HINDU:
You have two cows.
You worship them.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go in hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
ISRAEL:
So, there are these two Jewish cows, right?
They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights.
They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors.
So, who needs people?
ITALY:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
JAPAN:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide.
NEW ZEALAND:
You have two cows.
That one on the left is kinda cute...
POLAND:
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
RUSSIA:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have 5 cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your tenth 5-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
SWITZERLAND:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.
TALIBAN:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them.
Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.
==========================================
"...ISMs"....
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
DICTATORSHIP:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, then shoots you.
FASCISM, I:
You have two cows.
The government allows you to keep your cows, but tells you when, where, to whom, and for how much you may sell the milk, and you may not sell your cows without government permission.
FASCISM, II:
You have two cows.
The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
FEUDALISM:
You have two cows.
Your lord takes some of the milk.
COMMUNISM, I:
You have two cows.
Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.
COMMUNISM, II:
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.
SOCIALISM, I:
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
SOCIALISM, II:
You have two cows.
You keep one, but must give the other to your neighbor.
TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows.
The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army.
Milk is banned.
posted by SavageATL at 10:06 AM
1 Comments:
Hello,
The last time I saw anything like this was a documentary on TV but the detail on this site has been worthwhile waiting for. The TV programme hardly mentioned any of the staff that you have included in your website. Thanks for making it possible for me to access this information.
Regards,
spiffy
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