Ask Cruella Dearest!

O Cruella Dearest;

My house is infested with wiggers! What can I do?

Wigger infestations have grown increasingly common in America's moderately affluent suburbs. People with houses larger than 4 bedrooms, constructed out of brick, in two parent households in which at least one parent makes above the median income are especially prone to wigger infestations. Truly rich people and only moderately middle class people are fairly immune, but less affluent people can also be afflicted. But it's not your fault, and there's a solution. The first thing to know is that if you see one wigger, that means you have a whole bunch more where you can't see them. To tackle your problem, get rid of anything that attracts wiggers; a family of wiggers can live off of just one 3 second Tupac sample for up to a month. So you have to get rid of:

All basketball related items
Any oversize article of clothing
Any sneakers that are moderately expensive. Wear penny loafers.
Any records that could even possibly be considered to have any black involvement. You have to play Kenny G, Judy Garland, and Barry Manilow. Nonstop. Yes, your cat may become gay or something, but- you can't cross the river without bouncing a few cookies.
Cook strange things out of Bon Appetit, the weird things that real human beings won't eat unless they live in dire poverty, like yucca. Wiggers subsist on wings, ribs, pizza, and drive-thrus, with occasional trips to The Olive Garden or Red Lobster.

Now once you have eliminated anything that could attract them, you have to stamp out the infestation.
Attract emo children; the emo is the natural enemy of the wigger. Play Death Cab for Cutie, or opera, which is like blues/country for people who can only enjoy very high pitched sounds, and wear really tight clothing and floppy hair and mascara, and try to dress like Marilyn Manson would if he had some imagination and wasn't a poseur.
Read Sylvia Plath, aloud, and write poetry about how you wear black/because it's how you feel inside/and when I go to my room/I just want to hide.

Hint: if your house is infested with emos, then you can just do the opposite. Buy several '80's Cutlasses, put Dubs on them, and paint them colours that would be considered garish for whore nail varnish and park them in the yard, wear long white t-shirts with visors, etc.

What is law school like?

Scientists claim that the brain has no nerve endings itself, and therefore cannot feel pain.

These scientists have never been to law school. My actual brain does indeed hurt; and this is not like a headache, this is actual brain ache, all over, and it feels the way people tell me your muscles feel after working out (like I would know). Also it is a whole world of frustration, especially RWA, which asks you basically to dream the impossible dream. If it's impossible, how can you dream it? People fond of zen puzzles will enjoy this. If you can imagine the sound of one hand clapping, there you go.

O Cruella Dearest,

Why are you not a doctor?

First of all, I have a hard time with people sometimes, particularly if they are sick and whiny, and I do not want to get near their smelly orifices and stick my hands into their icky insides.

I would totally be like Dr. Kevorkian, except worse, and for everything I would recommend euthanasia. Instead of asking about your family history and what medications you are on, i would ask things like:

Do you walk around with their bluetooth headset shouting inanities into apparent thin air like you are some kind of schizoid Lt. Uhura?

Do you subscribe to People magazine?

Have you ever read people magazine, and not just 'cause you were really desperate for reading material, because the only other thing to read was Actuarial Tables, 1979 edition, and you had read that TWICE?

Do you collect plates (and here I mean not like, Depression Glass or plates that belonged to Napoleon III, those are fine) I mean, plates with horses on them or Red Indians or Thomas Kinkaid paintings. Ok? Not even if the plates have pictures of my car on them. Well, maybe.

Can you use Art, and Thomas Kinkaid, ever in the same sentence?

Do you wear sweat pants without shame?

Have you ever entertained the idea of buying a Honda Sedan and spending a whole bunch of money to make it look stupid?

Do you shop in overpriced "boutiques" and pay 5 times as much for the same thing bought at Pier 1?

Do you have an interest in anything ending in -ball and actually care about this, like you never bothered to find out what your brother does for a living really or whether or not he likes it but you know all the statistics for some player?

Do you have plastic floral arrangements in your house?

Do you have carpet on your toilet?

Do you give people really awful gifts, the kind that no one in their right minds wants?

Do you use the words "separation anxiety" and "my cats" in the same sentence?

Do you generally have the opinion that if you were to stop existing, the world would be suddenly thrown into crisis?

Are you Donald Trump?

Do you believe what the newspaper/television news media tells you?

Do any of your joints hurt?

Not even a little bit?

Not even a little tiny bit?

Do you own a top 40 anything compilation?

Have you ever served your family a meal that required the assistance of an animated spokescharacter?

Do you eat Ez- cheez?

Have you ever consumed anything described as "lite"

Do you think pink is an acceptable colour for wine?

Have you conflated the lives of celebrities with your own life? (If you don't know what conflated means, put Yes.)

Have you ever taken anyone to Red Lobster or Olive Garden for any reason other than immediate death?

If they answered yes to even one question, then I would ease them gently into that good night. I mean, really.