Cruella Dearest Answers Your Senator Craig Questions!
O Cruella Dearest;
What do you think about that Senator from Idaho?
Doesn't that say it all? I - - da - - ho. Yes, Senator Craig, apparently you really are.
O Cruella Dearest;
What is your mother thinking about this?
if you know my mother, you know exactly what she is thinking. She is wondering how often I have done this hook-up-in-the-loo thing.
Now how do I know this?
Because, I was 23, and going to visit my friend in NY and she tells me, now don't go and catch any diseases!
So apparently she thought (let HER explain why she thought this) that I was going to spend the entire trip in the Newark men's room exchanging crack for sexual favours, which NO I DID NOT DO THIS. Ok? I just played a whore, once, at Halloween. NOT in real life. No. I did not have sex at all in NY.
Also she has that motherly personality which prevents you from ever thinking your child is going to accomplish anything good in his/her life- like she thinks I take out my Dayplanner and write in it, HOW TO DISAPPOINT MY MOTHER TODAY.
Here is what my schedule looks like to her:
7:30 smoke,
8:00 get up late,
8:30 miss work,
8:45-5:30 stay home and drink Aqua Net,
5:45 get fired,
6:15 go around with a black man
7:00 spend my savings on crack
7:45 get into a lot of debt to buy crack
8:15 get fat
9:45 go play in a men's room
10:15 contract a disease
She's like a Jewish mother without the culinary ability. She also thinks the car is part of this plot; I purchased this car just to disappoint her. Anyway, just for those of y'all who know her? I have NEVER done anything like that in a men's room and you should tell her. Seriously. She's all worried about it, and she will feel better.
O Cruella Dearest, How does this work anyway?
Like I said, I've never done it, so I have no idea. Not only that but whatever these signals are that are supposedly well known? I missed that day in "turning you GAY" school, along with the day on how to keep your house clean. But it's crowded enough with one dude and a toilet and then two men and a toilet and apparently a piece of luggage- how do the mechanics work? Because all of the positions I can think of- there just isn't enough space to accommodate. Is it like how many people you can cram in a phone booth? And for me- I can't have SEX where people have been peeing! smelly, hard concrete floors and all. EWWW. I do not understand how this works, and also how do you KNOW all these 'signals?' If someone were signaling to me- it would have to be extremely obvious, as in, I want to fuck you right now they would have to actually tell me. If someone tapped their foot and waved their hand under the door - I wouldn't think anything of it, I don't sit around and meditate in loos. It is safe to say I am fairly oblivious too. They just go and hook up, right there? In a literal (pardon me delicate-minded readers, I do not like to write this-) shithole? I suppose one aspect of this which never fails to amaze me is that the people getting caught are always people who should bloody well know better. Like some principal a few years ago was caught trolling for kids he met on the Internet in Northlake Mall. There's enough publicity about this that even in -I-da-ho- everyone should know better.
O Cruella Dearest- I am considering becoming a policeman. How do I get/avoid this duty?
Well, now we're really venturing into I'm clueless territory. I've never been a policeman or really known any very well- and then I've never had any out of the ordinary dealings with men's rooms, but I would be a little conflicted about -you know- having to sit in a men's loo all day and bust potential pervs, instead of, you know, arresting really dangerous criminals and protecting the public from say, jaywalkers. Are they assigned this duty when they are bad? As in, Fletcher! You wrecked another squad car! You know what that means! No sir, I promise! I won't do it again! My insurance will pay! Honest! Fletcher! Another word and I'll make it a whole month of loo duty! And then do they get mocked (what sort of question is that, of course they do) by their colleagues? Ooo, Fletcher, you're on LOO duty again! You must really like it, etc. And how do they explain this to their families? Hi, honey, I'm home, O hi dear, how was your day, why do you smell like piss? Well, they put me in the airport loo again and I tried to arrest this guy but he turned out to be a peeing mime and was just - miming.
In all seriousness, I'm surprised at someone's career being shot down in flames when- really- there's no substantive crime being committed here. No one ever had sex in this case, like Mark Foley- although that doesn't really justify what Foley did- it's unprofessional to send dirty chat to pages who know who you are - but my understanding is that the grounds for the moral offense convictions are that they were thinking about it? There aren't any ACTUAL sex acts here; just some lewd discussion in the one case and toe-tapping in the other. So should we be able to convict someone for embezzling money on the grounds that say, they regularly visited the websites of purveyors of luxury goods they can't afford- showing some sort of intent? I think we're treading onto dangerous Big-Brother grounds here.
What do you think about that Senator from Idaho?
Doesn't that say it all? I - - da - - ho. Yes, Senator Craig, apparently you really are.
O Cruella Dearest;
What is your mother thinking about this?
if you know my mother, you know exactly what she is thinking. She is wondering how often I have done this hook-up-in-the-loo thing.
Now how do I know this?
Because, I was 23, and going to visit my friend in NY and she tells me, now don't go and catch any diseases!
So apparently she thought (let HER explain why she thought this) that I was going to spend the entire trip in the Newark men's room exchanging crack for sexual favours, which NO I DID NOT DO THIS. Ok? I just played a whore, once, at Halloween. NOT in real life. No. I did not have sex at all in NY.
Also she has that motherly personality which prevents you from ever thinking your child is going to accomplish anything good in his/her life- like she thinks I take out my Dayplanner and write in it, HOW TO DISAPPOINT MY MOTHER TODAY.
Here is what my schedule looks like to her:
7:30 smoke,
8:00 get up late,
8:30 miss work,
8:45-5:30 stay home and drink Aqua Net,
5:45 get fired,
6:15 go around with a black man
7:00 spend my savings on crack
7:45 get into a lot of debt to buy crack
8:15 get fat
9:45 go play in a men's room
10:15 contract a disease
She's like a Jewish mother without the culinary ability. She also thinks the car is part of this plot; I purchased this car just to disappoint her. Anyway, just for those of y'all who know her? I have NEVER done anything like that in a men's room and you should tell her. Seriously. She's all worried about it, and she will feel better.
O Cruella Dearest, How does this work anyway?
Like I said, I've never done it, so I have no idea. Not only that but whatever these signals are that are supposedly well known? I missed that day in "turning you GAY" school, along with the day on how to keep your house clean. But it's crowded enough with one dude and a toilet and then two men and a toilet and apparently a piece of luggage- how do the mechanics work? Because all of the positions I can think of- there just isn't enough space to accommodate. Is it like how many people you can cram in a phone booth? And for me- I can't have SEX where people have been peeing! smelly, hard concrete floors and all. EWWW. I do not understand how this works, and also how do you KNOW all these 'signals?' If someone were signaling to me- it would have to be extremely obvious, as in, I want to fuck you right now they would have to actually tell me. If someone tapped their foot and waved their hand under the door - I wouldn't think anything of it, I don't sit around and meditate in loos. It is safe to say I am fairly oblivious too. They just go and hook up, right there? In a literal (pardon me delicate-minded readers, I do not like to write this-) shithole? I suppose one aspect of this which never fails to amaze me is that the people getting caught are always people who should bloody well know better. Like some principal a few years ago was caught trolling for kids he met on the Internet in Northlake Mall. There's enough publicity about this that even in -I-da-ho- everyone should know better.
O Cruella Dearest- I am considering becoming a policeman. How do I get/avoid this duty?
Well, now we're really venturing into I'm clueless territory. I've never been a policeman or really known any very well- and then I've never had any out of the ordinary dealings with men's rooms, but I would be a little conflicted about -you know- having to sit in a men's loo all day and bust potential pervs, instead of, you know, arresting really dangerous criminals and protecting the public from say, jaywalkers. Are they assigned this duty when they are bad? As in, Fletcher! You wrecked another squad car! You know what that means! No sir, I promise! I won't do it again! My insurance will pay! Honest! Fletcher! Another word and I'll make it a whole month of loo duty! And then do they get mocked (what sort of question is that, of course they do) by their colleagues? Ooo, Fletcher, you're on LOO duty again! You must really like it, etc. And how do they explain this to their families? Hi, honey, I'm home, O hi dear, how was your day, why do you smell like piss? Well, they put me in the airport loo again and I tried to arrest this guy but he turned out to be a peeing mime and was just - miming.
In all seriousness, I'm surprised at someone's career being shot down in flames when- really- there's no substantive crime being committed here. No one ever had sex in this case, like Mark Foley- although that doesn't really justify what Foley did- it's unprofessional to send dirty chat to pages who know who you are - but my understanding is that the grounds for the moral offense convictions are that they were thinking about it? There aren't any ACTUAL sex acts here; just some lewd discussion in the one case and toe-tapping in the other. So should we be able to convict someone for embezzling money on the grounds that say, they regularly visited the websites of purveyors of luxury goods they can't afford- showing some sort of intent? I think we're treading onto dangerous Big-Brother grounds here.
posted by SavageATL at 11:44 AM
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