Ask Cruella Dearest!

Cruella Dearest;

When you wrote that Timmons makes you want to look at car porn (NOTE: PROFESSOR TIMMONS, I DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THIS IN YOUR CLASS, BECAUSE IT LIKE ALL VIOLATES THE HONOUR CODE AND YOU WILL YELL AT ME, AND SO I DON'T DO THIS, BUT YOU MAKE ME WANT TO) do you mean that kind of thing with the dragons? Or what?

Answer: That is a very good question, and I mean no not the thing with the dragons, I mean sort of lingerie-type items for the car. Like you know how there is Victoria's Secret? I mean I like to look at Kirban's and think about all of the fancy chrome bits I could put on my car. Like I would love a chrome turbo shield, or a chrome downpipe. Sigh. Or big Power 6 stickers.

Like see, this is the kind of car porn I am talking about. That thing that you are looking at is the throttle valve cable adjustment and the fuel pressure regulator, which stock is not adjustable but a lot of people who have this car have it adjustable, and I have spent a lot of time looking at it on my actual car, because people always stop me and want to see what the engine looks like and we open our hoods and compare engines and turbos. (Y'all are all shaking your heads in disbelief, aren't you? But it is true. People see my car and make me pull over and open my hood to see my turbo. And mine's always bigger and more powerful. Yes, that was supposed to sound dirty. ) Mine's the intercooled one, I point out to the chap with the hot air car I stopped and saw Wednesday.

Ah, he says, that's the fast one.

Indeed it is, and it runs better than his does, which may or may not be dead. This is the gray car that I have been driving past for several weeks and piqued my interest. He had the jacket, which I do not have.

And y'all I am considering what I am going to buy when my grades improve. One thing I want is this: But they're $259, and I cannot really justify that kind of expense while in school. or another fur coat since this one seems to be losing its fur.

O Cruella Dearest;

What did you do for V-Day?

Well, Trey came over and we had dinner, courtesy of Sam's Club. I don't like going out on V-Day 'cos restaurants jack up the prices and then - it's crowded and long waits and all the places I want to go are booked up. Julio took Iris to Red Lobster, surprisingly she did not get mad about that but she did get mad when he told her Guty was coming over. This was because Guty actually got a girlfriend, which- I don't know what life is like in Dahlonega but let us all consider at the moment that Guty is 30, a (temporarily! he insisted!) cook at Ryan's, doesn't have a car as far as I know, and I think he's about to go to jail for 4 and a half years (he wouldn't tell me why) Guty when I saw him at Julio's party looked like he had been dragged backwards through several hedges, so she doesn't even have the OMG he's so hot excuse. Yah! What about Pablo?! Sigh, I wish I had a gay-ray. Anyway y'all were asking me what I did for V-day, I overcooked some steaks-see that is a large part of why I do not grill, I do not know how. I am more of the glop-in-a-pot type cook. And then we had twice baked potatoes and salad and Trey drank some wine and we Had Some.

Now y'all are all confused because y'all are like OMG they're going to get back together and next month we'll be hearing about how Trey did something he wasn't supposed to do and Cruella will be complaining again.

No, most emphatically no, three times no, foxes with chicken honey no.

I am not at all getting used to the whole being single thing because I haven't -honestly- been really single, I have been on a couple of interesting dates and - we don't need to write about that- (the whole fan thing)- and I am too busy to notice whether I am single or not. And then the way things were going, I'm much better off. In a way, I would like to see us work things out but then on the other hand, I know better, and I've put what I'm going to put into this in. Trey doesn't want to be married and now he isn't. But that doesn't mean we can't be friends- with benefits- . I feel a little sadder when I meet someone new that it looks like things might possibly work out with because it really feels like abandoning something meaningful, we have 6 years of experiences together, sort of. But you do what you have to do, now I have to work on Torts.

O Cruella Dearest;

What's with the going places you have no business going?

I don't know! I seem to keep getting strong armed into going places and joining things I really don't have any business at, like the RPCV - returned peace corps volunteer thing my dad does, and the GAWL- georgia Association for Women Lawyers- I've never been in the Peace Corps and I'm not interested in going, ever, any place where they don't have Wal-Mart. Frankly I am still amazed and highly gratified when I turn on the tap and hot, clean water comes out of it. Somewhere inside me is some of that inner conviction that if I am not careful, all of this will disappear and I'll end up eating taro root or something and scrabbling in the mud. I have no idea why I go to these Peace Corps things because all of the people there are extremely liberal also.

And y'all, the last one we went to was this Thai restaurant- which was terrible, I thought. I have eaten Thai food like three times and each time I thought it was expensive and very little food for the $. I ordered something called Crispy Basil Duck and- I liked the Basil part, but the Duck was Crispy to the point of Jerky. Duck is not supposed to be like that. Duck is supposed to be rich and moist and soft. This was not nice at all, and it was expensive, and not enough food.

And then Jessica talked me into joining GAWL, which is the Georgia Association FOR Women Lawyers at this event I went to ?last month? I did meet one lady who works in the field which I am interested in working. So that is good, but she works/lives in Powder Springs (?)

You know when people tell me about other places (presumably) in Atlanta- I feel like a Manhattanite when asked about the outer boroughs-

Where the hell is Powder Springs? I have gone (once) as far northeast as Flowery Branch- I have been to Marietta- I have gone as far south as McNair- once I went to Villa Rica- and I have been as far east as South Dekalb Mall. Ok? I do not generally need to venture OTP except when I go to Freddy's house. There are all these other places in Atlanta to which I have never been and have no desire to go. Braselton? McDonough? Fayetteville? I have no clue, they might as well be in Connecticut.

Anyway, I was convinced to join GAWL by several of the ladies. We have men! They insisted, we like men! Everyone can join!

I don't think anyone has ever before so eagerly solicited my participation in anything. But I am thinking, that will look rather odd on my resume. But you're not a woman, the interviewer will say, and then I will have to explain how I joined and that will be difficult. I'm just really confused, I could say, but I think that would not go over well either.

And then Saturday I went to a Francophone thing Claire invited me to but I was all shy, and then I went to my Turbo Buick thing, there were only three of us there.

Every time I go they ask me what have I done to my car.

Frankly, I have not even washed my car, and I would like to say it is all on account of the water-conservation thing, but it is not. It is on account of even the cheap car wash costs $4 and you can get 10 lbs of chicken leg quarters at Wal-Mart for $4, and I can eat on that for two or three weeks, vs getting the car washed and it will immediately get dirty again. Also I am thinking the car certainly looks less desireable with her protective layer of grime. Then in terms of mechanical things, ha! I'm using the excuse that it will be more valuable to keep the car stock- but y'all know I'll never sell it, especially after that one chap's car got stolen- but I don't feel like replacing the fuel pump and the injectors and what not. I'll go and harass Alex while he's fixing his awful car. So no, this other chap who goes he has a roll cage and all kinds of very car porny things on his car, but mine- does not.

O Cruella Dearest; What kind of revenge are you plotting to inflict on your brother for buying that awful car?

I cannot tell you, because then he would not be Shocked and Awed, but I can tell you that it involves a song, and two Special Outfits. But do y'all know what happened yesterday? (obviously not) I used my psychic powers while sober, my mother was talking about vaccine trials and wanted us to guess where- and I said Hyderabad- because I used my psychic powers- and not only was I right but that was also where the people who were doing the trials were from, so I was very proud of my psychic powers. I wonder if I could use them during oral arguments, would that work? But I would have to be drunk, too, so no, that would not be a good idea.

O Cruella Dearest;

What should I do if I met a guy that I think I might like, but he likes really really AWFUL music?

OMG, do you mean, like, Britney Spears and the Backstreet boys?

Yes, I mean that kind of "music", and he also likes Nickelback and Green Day and Mariah Carey.

Ooooh, that is in fact very bad. Never ever ever ever let him drive anywhere where he can pick the music.

That being said, is he good in bed?

I don't know yet! But he was a great kisser, and he was- cute enough, and he's a nursing student and helped me study all day yesterday. He makes me feel old though.

Umm, you could- have him and Sailor Moon have a sing-off! When Sailor Moon sings those kinds of songs, there's some irony value though. I don't think I have an inner 13- year old girl, so, or if I do, she's Emily Dickinson, so I can't appreciate that kind of "music" at all- and then I don't think enough time has passed to appreciate that "music" ironically, like it's safe to like ABBA now. But it will never be safe to like the A-teens. At least I hope not. Also I think irony is passe, so I hope we never see the day when people will find Irony in liking Britney Spears.

I think you have to find out if he's good in bed first. (first before what? First before you dump him? That is totally wrong to dump someone for liking bad "music") I do not know if it is possible to educate people about music at this age (I hope you are not talking about Pablo, but you are not, because yes Pablo is a total hottie! Yes he is! Mmm! I'd like to spool up his turbo! But he is also, 20 and Julity's brother so you know he is crazy! and he was talking about the Killers so- definitely different.) but probably not. But then you do not want to turn into one of those old bitter people who make duck faces either so you will just have to ask your brother how to tune people out.

O Cruella Dearest;

Aren't you supposed to be working on your homework and looking for a job and lawyery things?

Yes I am! This semester SUCKS. I do not understand the difference between the two CNOF tests - Ok dmitri doesn't understand it either. No, he does. you have the overlap of evidence, and then spose the cop beats you up and calls an ambulance and the ambulance runs you over, there might be a logical relationship in the latter case but no evidence in the former. And I am so far behind in Crim Law and in all my classes. And then today, I have to go to the farmer's market and buy ingredients and get ready to cook.

O Cruella Dearest; How was Julio's party?

Y'all I had so hoped Perla would be there- because she is the fattest person I know- (The Wide Bride) and she was! And she was so big I could not get my arms all the way around her.

My fur coat was much admired by all.

I stayed until 2 in the morning hoping someone would get drunk and make a fool of themselves but no one did, not even Trey, and I was sorely disappointed, but see that's what happens when all you have to drink is Bud Light. Also everyone I know quit drinking, although I only gave it up for Lent. Dammit. Julio got some ugly clothes too for his birthday (I gave him a bottle of Captain Morgan's, which he did NOT open) with horizontal stripes! I have never seen Julio wear horizontal stripes. I'm not seeing it.

Ooooh, and he got a wicked looking decorative kind of knife and he was practicing stabbing people - well he was making stabby sort of gestures with the knife.

This made me think, do you know what would be a good song? Julio, no! julio no! Julio ya! Julio ya! Like that song in the barber of Seville.

Guty did not believe me when I insisted that mole contains chocolate, dumb spic. He should know better.

And then we had like the nerdiest conversation ever about atom bombs and E=MC2. I felt oddly uncomfortable, like Captain Egghead.