I've Got a Lover Back in . . . Nashville
Dad: How was Nashville?
Me: It was fun! We did many different things [involving rope and clothespins.]
(the bracketed part is the part I did not say)
Dad: Who did you go with?
Me: That girl I met in Sorrento.
(that was a total lie, I went to see a guy that I met online)
Another conversation:
Alex: youre going to nashville (he speaks without punctuation)
me: Yes!
Alex: what are you going to do in nashville
Me: Have sex!
Alex: aaargh why did you have to tell me this everybody else would have just said you know stuff
Me: A) Because you asked and B) you should be happy that I am not describing this in any more detail.
Alex: (resumes moaning for a while), then- what is he like (hopes I won't like him)
Me: He seems really nice, car, job, he works in IT.
Alex: (really cheered by this fact; practically chortles) then hes a nerd
Me: But you have not made the connection between IT- Renaissance Faire/Star Trek and Kinky Sex
Alex: (forgets the entire conversation)
Let me point out that this was planned out in great detail, as in- "and then you dress up like the Lion King, and then sing that song, and I put ostrich feathers on my head and then we strew flour on the floor and pretend to be cutlets and roll around, and then we re-enact the Ghost scene from Hamlet, etc., etc."
It only took me about 3 and a half hours to make it back to Atlanta from Nashville, which is not bad, and driving is nice, I get to listen to my music and set the cruise at 80 and relax with my own thoughts.
Now why would Cruella go to Nashville? Can’t Cruella get some here?
The truth about that is- I have been trying here, but I do not remember if I told you about one of my recent dates or not, but the chap was very nice etc, but OMG! I’ll say this. In 20 years, he won’t have aged a bit. The guys who are hitting on me, are like, OLD, daddy types. And as y’all know, I have a dad. I love my dad. I spent 7 weeks in Europe with my dad.
But I do not have any kind of Electra complex/Oedipus/socrates thing, that’s just gross. Nor do I fantasise about Wilford Brimley or Burl Ives.
And then some of the guys who are hitting on me are very much YOUNGER- which is nice- but then I am thinking, you work at Blockbuster? You got kicked out of Whitewater for wearing a speedo? You are going to a frat party with high schoolers? Remember that thing about not making the same mistakes twice? Yah.
I talked to this chap a bit over the phone and decided, this is a definite possibility, and let me tell you; it was worth the drive. And it was just fun to get out of Atlanta for a while. And I bought a whole pile of books.
So because, like, future references and employers and all are reading this, I will redact this highly, but I will just let you know that there were clothespins involved. Also I set some butter on fire, which- did you know that an absolutely STUNNING quantity of flames are involved in 2 tablespoons of butter? I mean, it was practically like gasoline. I strongly advocate trying this at home, especially, as I did, someone else’s. Get a cheap pan really hot- and then put your butter in it, and BAM! Fire!
I handled this very well, I will point out to you.
Actual quote: Hmmm, I had not expected that to happen.
And y’all, I had the presence of mind not to put water on it, but I just put the pan in the sink and let the fire die out. I do not know how amused host was by this. Probably not very. I was also naked while cooking, so there’s a whole new mental picture for you to draw.
Ha! that should keep you busy for a while. Me naked, cooking, with flaming butter. Picture that!
Yes, I had a protein shake for breakfast, a protein shake for lunch, and then a sensible (if somewhat flambeed dinner).
Let us also tally up the people who are not happy that I went to Nashville.
Dad, I think, is rather resentful of this. He asked Saturday what time we were going to eat Sunday and I said I wasn't, I was going to Nashville.
he was not pleased. You could have told me, he said.
I DID tell you, I told you right now, I said.
Hmmph, he said. Dad's Planning is- rather annoying sometimes. Given his druthers, he'd be Planning New Year's Dinner about now.
Which is only understandable if we're entertaining the internationally prominent, like a State dinner for 250 and the G-8 summit, but there are just four of us and Sailor Moon and an occasional other guest. And the food is uncomplicated and I generally prepare vegetables and a dessert, so what's with the complicated Planning? He plans these things with the kind of precision NASA ordinarily dedicates to Space Shuttle launches.
Now he wants to know if I'm Planning to eat with him on Sunday.
I don't Plan to eat; right now I'm Planning to do my Con Law homework and Planning to get the Cadillac to shift by bitching at the Grouchy African and Planning how to work my schedule and my externship and what I'm going to say about that Memo that - - - ooooh.
The other person who was irked was - guess? MTM who was upset that I didn't want to do anything with her this week. First she wanted me to go to some kind of fundraiser for Chinese teachers and A) I had something else to do and b) if anyone's going to raise funds it should be for ME and C) I hate all that liberal do-gooder nonsense.
Then she wanted me to go with her to a bluegrass festival and- bluegrass is not my thing. I have curtains to make and beer to fool with and cars to fool with and [redacted]! So she sends me this.
Ok…..i’ll just wait to hear from you next time you want to do something.
Seems innocent enough but there's a whole world of passive aggressive tied up in there.
Anyway, I had another question: do y'all think God throws parties? Is he all like, OM wait, Me- my Son's birthday is coming up again this year, and I have to get him a really good present to make up for last year? And then that whole Crucifixion thing, after 2,000 years, you'd think he'd be over that, but no.
And Jesus is like, Oh Dad, my birthday is coming up again, and last year He got Me - - - a really crappy gift, it was another new kind of sin, involving a Pentacostal Minister from Louisiana, a stuffed woodchuck, a woman's size 9 dark blue high heeled pump, and a Black and Decker cordless screwdriver? And then the year before, he got me a New Testament with all My words in red? And I'm like, but I know what I said. And Dad's like, but in case you forget. I'm like, and how is that going to happen?
And He kind of shrugged.
Who does God talk to on the phone? Is He all like, you would just not BELIEVE what those people in that place just did! Wait, gotta go, call coming in from Dial-a-Prayer. You know I do handle all those calls myself, I'm OMNIPOTENT.
And about the Greek/Roman gods. You know how Zeus is always coming to earth, like in the form of a swan or something, and impregnating someone? IT'S ALWAYS A CHICK. Now the Greeks like Invented Homosexuality, so weren't there instances in which Zeus- did a guy? And why don't we know about them? Hmmm?
I have much more to tell you but Planning alone is not going to get my Con Law work done.
Me: It was fun! We did many different things [involving rope and clothespins.]
(the bracketed part is the part I did not say)
Dad: Who did you go with?
Me: That girl I met in Sorrento.
(that was a total lie, I went to see a guy that I met online)
Another conversation:
Alex: youre going to nashville (he speaks without punctuation)
me: Yes!
Alex: what are you going to do in nashville
Me: Have sex!
Alex: aaargh why did you have to tell me this everybody else would have just said you know stuff
Me: A) Because you asked and B) you should be happy that I am not describing this in any more detail.
Alex: (resumes moaning for a while), then- what is he like (hopes I won't like him)
Me: He seems really nice, car, job, he works in IT.
Alex: (really cheered by this fact; practically chortles) then hes a nerd
Me: But you have not made the connection between IT- Renaissance Faire/Star Trek and Kinky Sex
Alex: (forgets the entire conversation)
Let me point out that this was planned out in great detail, as in- "and then you dress up like the Lion King, and then sing that song, and I put ostrich feathers on my head and then we strew flour on the floor and pretend to be cutlets and roll around, and then we re-enact the Ghost scene from Hamlet, etc., etc."
It only took me about 3 and a half hours to make it back to Atlanta from Nashville, which is not bad, and driving is nice, I get to listen to my music and set the cruise at 80 and relax with my own thoughts.
Now why would Cruella go to Nashville? Can’t Cruella get some here?
The truth about that is- I have been trying here, but I do not remember if I told you about one of my recent dates or not, but the chap was very nice etc, but OMG! I’ll say this. In 20 years, he won’t have aged a bit. The guys who are hitting on me, are like, OLD, daddy types. And as y’all know, I have a dad. I love my dad. I spent 7 weeks in Europe with my dad.
But I do not have any kind of Electra complex/Oedipus/socrates thing, that’s just gross. Nor do I fantasise about Wilford Brimley or Burl Ives.
And then some of the guys who are hitting on me are very much YOUNGER- which is nice- but then I am thinking, you work at Blockbuster? You got kicked out of Whitewater for wearing a speedo? You are going to a frat party with high schoolers? Remember that thing about not making the same mistakes twice? Yah.
I talked to this chap a bit over the phone and decided, this is a definite possibility, and let me tell you; it was worth the drive. And it was just fun to get out of Atlanta for a while. And I bought a whole pile of books.
So because, like, future references and employers and all are reading this, I will redact this highly, but I will just let you know that there were clothespins involved. Also I set some butter on fire, which- did you know that an absolutely STUNNING quantity of flames are involved in 2 tablespoons of butter? I mean, it was practically like gasoline. I strongly advocate trying this at home, especially, as I did, someone else’s. Get a cheap pan really hot- and then put your butter in it, and BAM! Fire!
I handled this very well, I will point out to you.
Actual quote: Hmmm, I had not expected that to happen.
And y’all, I had the presence of mind not to put water on it, but I just put the pan in the sink and let the fire die out. I do not know how amused host was by this. Probably not very. I was also naked while cooking, so there’s a whole new mental picture for you to draw.
Ha! that should keep you busy for a while. Me naked, cooking, with flaming butter. Picture that!
Yes, I had a protein shake for breakfast, a protein shake for lunch, and then a sensible (if somewhat flambeed dinner).
Let us also tally up the people who are not happy that I went to Nashville.
Dad, I think, is rather resentful of this. He asked Saturday what time we were going to eat Sunday and I said I wasn't, I was going to Nashville.
he was not pleased. You could have told me, he said.
I DID tell you, I told you right now, I said.
Hmmph, he said. Dad's Planning is- rather annoying sometimes. Given his druthers, he'd be Planning New Year's Dinner about now.
Which is only understandable if we're entertaining the internationally prominent, like a State dinner for 250 and the G-8 summit, but there are just four of us and Sailor Moon and an occasional other guest. And the food is uncomplicated and I generally prepare vegetables and a dessert, so what's with the complicated Planning? He plans these things with the kind of precision NASA ordinarily dedicates to Space Shuttle launches.
Now he wants to know if I'm Planning to eat with him on Sunday.
I don't Plan to eat; right now I'm Planning to do my Con Law homework and Planning to get the Cadillac to shift by bitching at the Grouchy African and Planning how to work my schedule and my externship and what I'm going to say about that Memo that - - - ooooh.
The other person who was irked was - guess? MTM who was upset that I didn't want to do anything with her this week. First she wanted me to go to some kind of fundraiser for Chinese teachers and A) I had something else to do and b) if anyone's going to raise funds it should be for ME and C) I hate all that liberal do-gooder nonsense.
Then she wanted me to go with her to a bluegrass festival and- bluegrass is not my thing. I have curtains to make and beer to fool with and cars to fool with and [redacted]! So she sends me this.
Ok…..i’ll just wait to hear from you next time you want to do something.
Seems innocent enough but there's a whole world of passive aggressive tied up in there.
Anyway, I had another question: do y'all think God throws parties? Is he all like, OM wait, Me- my Son's birthday is coming up again this year, and I have to get him a really good present to make up for last year? And then that whole Crucifixion thing, after 2,000 years, you'd think he'd be over that, but no.
And Jesus is like, Oh Dad, my birthday is coming up again, and last year He got Me - - - a really crappy gift, it was another new kind of sin, involving a Pentacostal Minister from Louisiana, a stuffed woodchuck, a woman's size 9 dark blue high heeled pump, and a Black and Decker cordless screwdriver? And then the year before, he got me a New Testament with all My words in red? And I'm like, but I know what I said. And Dad's like, but in case you forget. I'm like, and how is that going to happen?
And He kind of shrugged.
Who does God talk to on the phone? Is He all like, you would just not BELIEVE what those people in that place just did! Wait, gotta go, call coming in from Dial-a-Prayer. You know I do handle all those calls myself, I'm OMNIPOTENT.
And about the Greek/Roman gods. You know how Zeus is always coming to earth, like in the form of a swan or something, and impregnating someone? IT'S ALWAYS A CHICK. Now the Greeks like Invented Homosexuality, so weren't there instances in which Zeus- did a guy? And why don't we know about them? Hmmm?
I have much more to tell you but Planning alone is not going to get my Con Law work done.
posted by SavageATL at 10:27 AM
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