Eccentric v. Batshit Insane

So I went on this date the other night which was interesting because: first of all, it was an actual date the way my brother defines dates. Like with conversation and all, which turned out to be something of a mistake, and this was Unlike my Saturday night hookup (yay! I was outside smoking and this guy comes up and was basically like, you're hot, let's fuck and I'm like, YAY! Because I went to this party- and it was supposed to be young professionals for equality or something, and you know how Emmanuel taught us to analyse element by element? Well they definitely had the professional part down, and I'm sure they were busting nuts with enthusiasm for equality (ooh that was vulgar, but that's why you read this, isn't it) but the young thing- this was a whole new definition of young, they had totally STRETCHED it out of recognition, you know? Like how Gigli was defined as a romantic comedy but was neither romantic nor a comedy? Yah. They were- - - not what I would call young. The gray hair was definitely much in. The midlife crisis had definitely been survived. They were the types to be driving their Own Lexuses, not their parents' Lexuses. You coulda invaded with Just for Men or Miss Clairol to the rescue (now why isn't she a superhero(ine)? Couldn't she be like Kool-Aid man and bust through the wall and then dye (re-dye) everyone's hair? Yah. So. A good time was had by me and other guy.

Anyway, so this date. First of all, this chap wants to go to R. Thomas, and I did not know this, but you can look up their menu on line? They have all kinds of grains I cannot pronounce, and I'm sure in 30 years spelt and quinoa and amaranth are going to be tripping off my tongue, but I do not like menus which take me as long to decipher as Moby Dick. (hee I said Dick) And I do not want to have to have a dictionary to figure out what is spelt? What the hell's wrong with rice anyway? I ate chicken wings.

He is only eating raw food for an entire YEAR, and y'all know I did not make it all the way through Lent without drinking- although I did try very hard. It was that PILA auction. So that kinda makes the whole I'll cook you dinner thing- not going to happen, I guess I could just cut up some pears, but then weird diet things- no.

Then he is telling me something about how all other people are stupid, and how he can cure cancer and AIDS by herbs and Chinese spices, and he is more concerned about spermicides and lubricants and latex and allergic reactions than HIV.

OK! Public service announcement! I am NOT going to have sex with him, ever! Just so y'all know, because: maybe the condom industry is big and powerful? And they are trying to deceive us like big pharma and oil by telling us rubbers keep us from getting diseases and HIV can be cured through Chinese herbs and spices?

But I do not believe this. If HIV could really be cured through Chinese herbs or whatever, big pharma would find a way to isolate the active ingredients and tack on an extra atom or whatever so they could patent it and then sell it for bazillions of dollars. Of course, then they would lose the $ from long term treatment- but anyway.

My point is that there is a fine line between Eccentric (How proudly we wave) and Batshit Insane, and he jumped that line a LONG TIME AGO.

I wish I knew how to insert a chart here but I have come up with a handy guide for y'all, so when y'all go on dates, you can be like, Is s/he Harmlessly Eccentric? Or Batshit Insane?

Eccentric: All Black outfits. Batshit Insane: All Black walls

Eccentric: Sex using whipped cream. Batshit Insane: Sex using chili Sauce.

Eccentric: Fantasies of being a cowboy. Batshit Insane: Fantasies of being a cow.

Eccentric: Weekend camping. Batshit Insane: Lifelong camping.

Eccentric: Collecting Objets d'Interet Batshit Insane: Collecting Newspapers and old mayonnaise jars.

Eccentric: Wearing purple socks on your feet. Batshit Insane: Wearing purple socks on your hands.

Eccentric: Treating your pets like children. Batshit Insane: Treating your pets AS children.

Eccentric: Collecting ugly Hummel/Precious Moments figurines. Batshit Insane: Collecting Nazi/Serial murderer figurines.

Eccentric: Having a crush on Barack Obama. Batshit Insane: Having a crush on Al Sharpton.

Eccentric: Clothes that are 5 years too young. Batshit Insane: Clothes that are 35 years too young.

Eccentric: Living in your parents' basement at 17. Batshit Insane: Living in your parents' basement at 37.

Eccentric: Crying publicly at sad movies. Batshit Insane: Crying publicly on street corners or at work.

Eccentric: Abuse of recreational drugs. (NOTE: I DO NOT CONDONE THIS!) Batshit Insane: Abuse of prescription drugs.

Eccentric: Herbs and crystals to generally improve your well being. Batshit Insane: Using Herbs and Crystals exclusively to treat major illnesses.

Eccentric: Posters of your favourite star/singer/sports team
Batshit Insane: Having a lock of hair/entire room/shrine dedicated to your favourite star/singer/sports team.

Eccentric: organic foods diet. Batshit insane: unpronounceable foods diet.

Eccentric: Ancient and highly desireable car Batshit insane: Ancient and highly crappy car (you know who you are, but you don't know what I'm going to do)

Eccentric: Being involved in your kids' homework. Batshit Insane: Doing your kids' projects entirely for them and getting competitive with the other parents about them.

Eccentric: Homeschooling your kids because area schools are straight outta Compton.

Batshit Insane: Homeschooling your kids according to "survivalist curriculum predicated on end times philosophy."

Eccentric: Too much Estee Lauder. Batshit Insane: Too much Hai Karate.

Eccentric: Drinking too much with friends on weekends.

Batshit Insane: Drinking alone during the day.

Eccentric: keeping a detailed account of everything you ever ate.

Batshit Insane: keeping a detailed account of every bowel movement you ever had.