When is "Man-Whore" going to be a Stage of Grief?

Thank God they seem to have ceased talking about football; nothing makes my head hurt and irritated like listening to people talking about sport. And my usual strategy is to counter discussions of sport with Boring Law Facts but in this case that would not have worked.

I do have more disturbingness for you.

There’s a Martha Stewart commercial for Wal-Mart? Featuring some ladies at an outdoor wedding and they are oohing and aahing about well- I thought she was going to have a simple wedding and the other lady says, she got everything at Wal-Mart and the other lady says, but it looks just like Martha Stewart. And then Martha Stewart comes in and says, That’s because it is. AND SHE HAS NO LEFT HAND. Seriously, y’all, it’s like- a dangling sleeve with NO HAND AT THE END. I saw this at a friend’s house who was Tivoing whatever program this was part of and I was- highly disturbed. At that point, that was all the television I could take for one day and I went home.

I also told him when the television went out (due to the storm) That’s God’s way of telling you turn off the damn TV and let’s get busy.

Anyway, in non-disturbing news-

I got my hair cut in anticipation of fall interviews- of which I have gotten exactly none- but it looks great! See? Are you not glad? I was really dreading the whole cutting my hair thing- because previously- I had never gotten a hair cut that I had been happy with, but this is such a better look for me. Mmmmm this means I will get many dates, and not just with guys who taste like Formula 409. (and if you object to that, just imagine all the things that I DON’T tell you, and there are a LOT.)

Alex is happy, so I have to do something about this, as in, I am still plotting to buy a wig. But I need assistance picking one. Any volunteers?

Also I am still plotting long elaborate revenge on him, after which- just wait and see how much he’s going to twitch. Any volunteers?

Ok, now for the not-so-fun part of my blog.

First of all, look at missdoxie, who got all kinds of commiseration and sympathy upon her breakup. Did I get one single expression of condolence posted? No I did not. You all collectively suck, and not in the good way that I suck.

Although people have been- all right in person. I don’t know if I’ve really gotten expressions of condolence from a lot of people. I have gotten expressions of- you seem to be handling it rather well.

Now. Did you really expect me to wail and gnash my teeth and rend my hair? And act like Lady Macbeth or what? Or go on a several week bender like- Madonna or- I dunno, what is the modern equivalent of wailing and gnashing my teeth, etc,- well, I did buy my own dismobile to console myself. I’m not callous, and I really do care and am quite sad and wistful and depressed, but I am putting on a brave face- hee, or that other face that I can demonstrate for you- and trying to get through this.

Can we add “man-whore”- to Kubler-Ross’ Stages of Grief? Like between depression and acceptance?

Agreed, it might have been entertaining had I wailed and gnashed my teeth, but- sorry. Besides, I did all my wailing and gnashing of teeth and rending of hair a) internally and b) prior to the actual breakup. I am-trying to be rather philosophical about the whole thing.

One thing that is helping is that- it’s hard to feel a hole when you are managing to constantly fill it with substitutes, and you know exactly how I meant that. I’m still grieving – but I’m trying my best to put it behind me. Trey was not right for me as he was and that’s the only way it’s ever going to be. I really admire people like Sandi and Sheela who are able to live through seemingly insurmountable problems in their marriages- but also in those cases they frequently only have ONE problem to deal with at a time, instead of a whole bunch of problems. It’s harder when I come across a picture- or an object- and I’m doing my best to get rid of all of his things but it has been difficult- he moved almost all of it but then there are still objects lurking in the background. I can’t yet look at the last set of pictures that we took around Christmastime because it’s too painful. Overall, I’m still a little sad and there’s still quite a bit of missing him- but I realise that I’m more missing the Idea of what Trey could have been- his potential- rather than what he actually was and I remind myself of the reality and then I do not miss him so much. Also I am focusing more on the future- and what I SHALL have- more than what I did have.

I am still not sure whether I regret this or not. I don’t necessarily feel like I wasted 6 years, I feel as though I did learn some important lessons in that time, particularly What Your Parents Tried to Tell You About Suitability in Marriage and Don’t Fall in Love with Potential. And I Tried. Should there be some sort of commendation for that? Wasn’t it good in a way, that I tried to patch the thing together- and he did his best too, but his best was actually- really crappy. I wouldn’t do it again, but then, I’m never going to be 25 again and I’ll never really get the same chance. At the same time, I know quite well- I’ll never have another love that will be quite the same- not the same degree of passion, but not the same degree of frustration. It was a valuable and interesting experience. So- well, it is what it is, it was what it was.

I did have to go and get the minivan from him a few weeks ago. I did understand better when I went up there why and how he fell down and broke his teeth; the ground is very uneven with many steps and it was very dark, so that was- somewhat understandable- but still, he’s continuing with the same pattern of party party fun fun and that’s too much for me. He isn’t going to change. Also y’all know he had that job with Masada, and then he lost it when he broke his teeth- drunk- and then he got a job with some restaurant- and the restaurant closed after he had worked there 2 weeks due to nonpayment of taxes, so he didn’t get paid.

Now part of that is not Trey’s fault, but in a more abstract sense it is; he shoulda stuck to the job he had and behaved himself. At any rate, I’m really happy I’m not having to deal with this. The saddest thing for me I suppose is that he’s surely going to end up homeless in a few years, and I would hate to see that happen to him, but- he certainly has had the opportunity to make other choices. He’s a good person, he deserves better than that. But if those are the choices that he’s making, that’s what you end up with.

Now I’m even further right-wing than ever.

We did have a nice visit, and we talked for a while, and I spent the night. Since then, of course his phone has been cut off. That is almost certainly- the last time I’m ever going to see Trey and quite likely I may never hear from him again.

This may well be a good thing, but it’s hard to cut someone out of your life after 6 years, over half of my independent adult life. I am still wrapping my head around, or unwrapping my head from the idea of never speaking to him or seeing him again, and not voluntarily. I have been cleaning out the house, which does involve giving away a lot of his things which keep reappearing.

Then Dean rang me up the other night, and I got all wistful about all the things that I’m missing, like-the way my friends used to be and come over and have fun, all of my twenties, and where I am now, and I felt very lonely and wistful.

Until I realised that that I was just hungry, and after I ate, I felt better.

But I suppose I’m going through one of those transition periods in my life and trying to shed people who are causing me problems, and it’s sad because some of these relationships have been built over many years and I always feel as though- I should be there for my friends. On the other hand, I have to be there for myself, and I’m trying to rebuild my life and push it in the right direction.

Madonna, for one is a relationship I am letting go, and I am not ready to talk about that now but I will.

So! Fun!

Ooo this dude in my Kaplan class, he is so cute! And he looks bi-sexual as in, buy him something, specifically several drinks, and he’ll be sexual. The ‘dar thing, is all pingy. Course it could just be wishful thinking. But today he asked me if I had lost my mojo after I cut off all my hair- which was what I thought was going to happen but no. “mmm, I’m not sure if I’ve lost my mojo,” I should have said, “Why don’t you come feel it to see?” He has one of those lowered Jettas and last time after class I told him, It’s cute how you think your car is fast.

I don’t think he got it.

Anyway so at least I am doing my best to Learn from My Mistakes which means I am setting out to make entirely new and different mistakes. So now I am going to Athens this weekend to meet someone different, because all the chaps I seem to be meeting are Determined to be Disposable, as in Single-Use-Only.

Except for the types that I do not want to sleep with, like Dean- who is a lovely person and we are considering writing one of those chick-lit books together, calling ourselves Amy and Kate. Because, there isn’t much to a chick-lit book, we have four women, one of them going through an unexpected divorce, one of them a starry-eyed-recent-college-graduate who works in publishing, one of them a Slightly Butch Free Spirit and one of them a Shallow-Seeming-But-With-Unexplored-Inner-Depths-Junior-League type. Then throw in some sufficiently middlebrow literature, which they spend a weekday reading, large quantities of wine and laughing and crying and some Discovery of Inner Strengths In the Face of Adversity Together and you’re done! And then you can make piles of money.

Anyway, I do really like Dean but- in some senses and not in that very key sense. We even tried Gin Blossoming.

Now guess who is mad at me that I am going to Athens this weekend.

MTM. I ring her up and tell her that we’re going to the opera, and I’m reminding her of when it is, and she gets very snippy when she hears I went to Nashville and Athens this weekend. “Well, if you have time to go to Nashville and out of town for the weekend, you can’t be as busy as you said you were. I knew you weren’t, I just quit calling you ‘cos you always said you were busy.”

I immediately tell her that a) I can take my books with me and study there, which is- true, and b) I am teaching one of those classes that I teach on Saturdays and Sundays in September, all Saturday and all Sunday, which is also true- so I do not get dragged into going to something I am sure to detest. “I hope you are not becoming like [redacted],” she says. No, I say, I woulda gone to see Mr. Nashville again but he is going to visit his parents.

She sniffs again. “Oh yeah right,” she says, “you believe this?”

Well, YES, it’s quite logical and entirely within the realm of possibility that someone would go to visit their parents over a three day weekend! Why would it be a lie? I daresay there will be a lot of parent visiting. Even if he is visiting someone else, so? It’s not like after one meeting we’re exclusive.

She is being all Possessive and trying to make me into her Play Boyfriend, a Hag Fag, if you will, which I refuse to do. I do not want to give up my own life to become one of those Sex-in-the-City chaps who go around with a bunch of women to give them makeup advice and is the sort of- donut spare? Not exactly the fifth wheel but definitely the least of the four?

She likes to tell me, o, I went to such and such a “cool” restaurant and you would love it, which is a flat and absolute untruth; you are all very much aware of my fondness for meat- so to go to “Cakes and Ale” which I find pretentious and horrible, because their fried okra is !$5 and they have Goat-Cheese Crostini, which is- zweiback with some cheese? and cherry tomatoes? And this costs what again? And yah, like, no meat? Hello? And the menu features half a free-range roast chicken for !$18!

Now when I go out to eat, I insist on A) excellent food, that is too difficult to prepare at home myself ,of the meat and two veg type B) lots of it C) at a reasonable price. I am much happier with a box of Church’s chicken for $7.99 that I can make 3 or 4 meals out of. I cannot fry chicken at home. However, I can ROAST a chicken, that is easy, so there is no roast chicken, ever, anywhere, that is worth $18. And the rest of the trendy-dollhouse food, no.

My favourite restaurants are A) the Colonnade, which has delicious and inexpensive Southern food of the kind I cannot prepare at home, plus drinks and fabulous bread B) Buford Highway which likewise, delicious and inexpensive food- ooo, Korean Barbeque! C) that soul food place around the corner which is too grim and disgusting to actually eat IN but the food is EXCELLENT and for $9 you get like, about four pounds of home cooked oxtails, three veg, corn muffins, and tea, and D) like that barbeque place- Wyatt’s? Which see above about you can’t eat there but the food is excellent.

I am still a Man, after all, and Men do not care for dollhouse food and that kind of muck. I also refuse to be open minded. I know what I like, and I like what I know. That, to paraphrase Ayn Rand, is why Men have Judgment; they accumulate experiences and are able to make rational decisions based on past experience about what they will like and dislike. Being “open-minded” means that you are going against your judgment and have learnt NOTHING.

You may all expect a highly edited report on Tuesday of Athenian Fun!