Congratulations! You're a Cat Lady!
Y'all, I am, like all not supposed to write this! So if I end up dead or something, then you know I suffered the fearsome wrath of Alex, "and stuff" but you see, journalistic truth has to prevail, and I do not know if you have suffered Alex's wrath, but I am married to someone who threw the dining table on more than one occasion so- yeah. I am trying to think if Alex is capable of darning anyone to heck, probably, but I haven't noticed Alex roused out of his lizard-like complacency recently and you know how I am about rattling the gilded cages of the bourgeois. Just wait until his next cookout. We plan to dress Extra Up for it.
Anyway, so I am going to make you read all the way to the end for the parts I am extra not supposed to say.
Cathy (notice, please, that her name already has Cat in it, so she is a prime candidate for Cat Lady)
(and stuff) <-- (please note Alex's contribution to this essay) and I are planning on going on vacation, much to Trey's disgust.
You never told me about this, he pouts.
Yes, I did, I've been asking you about 4th of July for weeks.
Well- and he tries to think of what objection he can raise- I don't see why you have to go with her.
Because you can't go! I say!
You didn't give me the dates, he says.
This is a lie. I told him, and actually I was wrong, because dates involve numbers (and stuff) that school starts on the 14th of August and ANYTIME, like the entire summer, from the 29th of may until the 14th of August would be fine. Trey forgets and asks for the 13-20th August off. Then while we were in North Carolina for Memorial Day, he asks me, What month is the 4th of July in?
So Cathy and I are trying to plan a vacation for the 4th of July, because last time I went and we had fun. Now what I would like to point out to you gracious readers is that Cathy wants to stay in a place which costs !$245 a night, which was nice but, really, it wasn't $!245 a night nice. for that price I want 24-hour servants and hot and cold running gin. I found several other places in the same area for- well, less, about 150-180 a night, which is fine with me, I think fancy NY hotels don't cost that much. (not that I would know)
Cathy did not like several of these places. Ewww, the decor, she observed. They have RED WHITE AND BLUE inside their house, EWWW, it's so tacky! I could never stay there! I want to stay in a place with good feng shui. Cathy points this out as though I had suggested we stay in a very recently vacated abattoir.
Frankly, the feng shui I am most concerned about is the feng shui involved in not emptying my wallet unnecessarily. As those of you who have been to my house know, decor is not one of my things. We have crammed into this house the equivalent of ten gallons of books into a 5 gallon pot, plus assorted mannequin heads. I'm not going to pay any extra for whatever decor this is. I'm going to the beach, and I plan on buying some law school textbooks and previewing them at the beach. She's definitely barking up the wrong tree when it comes to decor, because my family (this is true) decorates their houses in Yard Sale plus things they find on the side of the road.
Cathy badly wants to know where to meet single men. I have no idea what delusion has convinced her I know this. I don't KNOW any single men; at least, I don't know any that would be appropriate for Cathy, or anyone at all as a matter of fact. All the men I know are married or in couples, so I offer her some limp suggestions, which she rejects.
You could drive my car for a week, and see who tries to pick you up, I suggest, because men are very interested in my car.
She does not seem to appreciate this.
You could go to Trackside, because the people are always friendly and will talk to you, but they are a little peculiar, by which I mean they have metal parts sticking out from them in unexpected places and are generally well tattooed.
She does not like this idea either.
You could walk your dog in Piedmont park, I offer. You could go to the Laundromat, there might be single guys there, but actually in my Laundromat days I only saw women with lots of small children.
Cathy does not accept this. You must know lots of single guys, she tells me. Y'all are hip and go places.
I have no idea where she gets these notions. Apparently I am leading some fabulous invisible life that I am unaware of. We do not go anywhere, at least I don't, and I don't think she's likely to appreciate the sort of chaps Trey likes to hang about with. I go to Work, about 70 hours a week during the school year, and then work some more during the summer, and make beer and run around like mad trying to bring order into chaos, which means fixing all the things that are broken and making abortive stabs at cleaning the house.
So here we have a stellar candidate for Cat Lady. Also we have two others whom I am not supposed to talk about, but you know who they are, and we are just going to have to see who is going to wind up in their forties living with Trey and myself and ducking incomprehensible arguments.
Anyway, so I am going to make you read all the way to the end for the parts I am extra not supposed to say.
Cathy (notice, please, that her name already has Cat in it, so she is a prime candidate for Cat Lady)
(and stuff) <-- (please note Alex's contribution to this essay) and I are planning on going on vacation, much to Trey's disgust.
You never told me about this, he pouts.
Yes, I did, I've been asking you about 4th of July for weeks.
Well- and he tries to think of what objection he can raise- I don't see why you have to go with her.
Because you can't go! I say!
You didn't give me the dates, he says.
This is a lie. I told him, and actually I was wrong, because dates involve numbers (and stuff) that school starts on the 14th of August and ANYTIME, like the entire summer, from the 29th of may until the 14th of August would be fine. Trey forgets and asks for the 13-20th August off. Then while we were in North Carolina for Memorial Day, he asks me, What month is the 4th of July in?
So Cathy and I are trying to plan a vacation for the 4th of July, because last time I went and we had fun. Now what I would like to point out to you gracious readers is that Cathy wants to stay in a place which costs !$245 a night, which was nice but, really, it wasn't $!245 a night nice. for that price I want 24-hour servants and hot and cold running gin. I found several other places in the same area for- well, less, about 150-180 a night, which is fine with me, I think fancy NY hotels don't cost that much. (not that I would know)
Cathy did not like several of these places. Ewww, the decor, she observed. They have RED WHITE AND BLUE inside their house, EWWW, it's so tacky! I could never stay there! I want to stay in a place with good feng shui. Cathy points this out as though I had suggested we stay in a very recently vacated abattoir.
Frankly, the feng shui I am most concerned about is the feng shui involved in not emptying my wallet unnecessarily. As those of you who have been to my house know, decor is not one of my things. We have crammed into this house the equivalent of ten gallons of books into a 5 gallon pot, plus assorted mannequin heads. I'm not going to pay any extra for whatever decor this is. I'm going to the beach, and I plan on buying some law school textbooks and previewing them at the beach. She's definitely barking up the wrong tree when it comes to decor, because my family (this is true) decorates their houses in Yard Sale plus things they find on the side of the road.
Cathy badly wants to know where to meet single men. I have no idea what delusion has convinced her I know this. I don't KNOW any single men; at least, I don't know any that would be appropriate for Cathy, or anyone at all as a matter of fact. All the men I know are married or in couples, so I offer her some limp suggestions, which she rejects.
You could drive my car for a week, and see who tries to pick you up, I suggest, because men are very interested in my car.
She does not seem to appreciate this.
You could go to Trackside, because the people are always friendly and will talk to you, but they are a little peculiar, by which I mean they have metal parts sticking out from them in unexpected places and are generally well tattooed.
She does not like this idea either.
You could walk your dog in Piedmont park, I offer. You could go to the Laundromat, there might be single guys there, but actually in my Laundromat days I only saw women with lots of small children.
Cathy does not accept this. You must know lots of single guys, she tells me. Y'all are hip and go places.
I have no idea where she gets these notions. Apparently I am leading some fabulous invisible life that I am unaware of. We do not go anywhere, at least I don't, and I don't think she's likely to appreciate the sort of chaps Trey likes to hang about with. I go to Work, about 70 hours a week during the school year, and then work some more during the summer, and make beer and run around like mad trying to bring order into chaos, which means fixing all the things that are broken and making abortive stabs at cleaning the house.
So here we have a stellar candidate for Cat Lady. Also we have two others whom I am not supposed to talk about, but you know who they are, and we are just going to have to see who is going to wind up in their forties living with Trey and myself and ducking incomprehensible arguments.
posted by SavageATL at 12:01 AM
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