No Petrol and A Corpse

I don't THINK anyone reads this from anywhere else, but if you do, y'all know I live in Atlanta (SavageATL, right?) And so did y'all know we have no petrol?

First of all this is NOT my fault. Ok, some of you may try to blame this on me because I recently resurrected the above car and started driving it, and as you may have noticed, said car is about the size of a NY Studio apartment. But no, this is not my fault.

Frankly, I do not know whose fault this is, but I do NOT LIKE THIS ONE BIT. Ok? Not one little bit! I have gotten used to having to pay $4 a gallon for petrol, but I am not used to no petrol at $4 a gallon, and y'all, Marta is NOT in my vocabulary. Right. Like I'm going to schlep my 8 bags on a bus and then a train and get mugged. Of course, wearing my fur, I would fit right in with the crazy bag ladies, but still. Y'all, this is JUST NOT RIGHT. You are going to have to pry my cars out of my COLD DEAD HANDS.

I do not know what the options are, so let's make some up.

I could fix the demand side by not leaving the house, which I will do gladly! But there is this little thing called work, and school, and I do not think it will be very much fun to stay at home without heat or power or running water, and I also do not think Wells Fargo would be very happy with my own personal contribution to the foreclosure crisis. I would have to decorate my shopping cart with mannequin heads, which - have you seen what a Damien Hirsch (sp?) goes for these days? Hmmm. (note to self: find shopping cart, decorate with mannequin heads, take to school, ruin chances of career)

Wait, I am at work. A DERANGED HOMELESS PERSON JUST WANDERED IN HERE, and asked me, are you Columbian? I just smiled and nodded. This is one of the things I have always feared about the Midtown centre. I have yet another reason not to be happy today.

So let's work on the supply side. Other people have oil. What does America have too much of?

Lawyers, we could export lawyers in exchange for oil. Fine, I'll practice law in Uzbekistan or wherever, provided I get to take all my cars and my mannequin heads. But they won't let me do that, so no, and I do not care to learn how to say "Statutory interpretation within the bounds of the Constitution according to legislative intent" in Uzbek.

We DEFINITELY have too many celebrity seeking individuals, people who are willing to go on Fear Factor and daytime talk shows. Now, have you noticed that many oil producing nations have a severe dearth of celebrity seeking individuals? Like, name 10 celebrities from Saudi Arabia. Name one. Wasn't Charo of Love Boat fame from Venezuela? See, this is a Good Idea, we can export Tila Tequila, and in the spirit of bipartisanship, let's export Michael Moore, Rush Limbaugh, and Al Franken.

Now see, there's ANOTHER thing that America has entirely too many of: fat people. Let's export them, and in these oily countries, they could- well, I'm not really sure what fat people are good for. Singing opera, I think, and being Orson Welles, and amusing me on rare occasions, but- my fellow Americans: I am willing to sacrifice some things to maintain my key values. Don't they have sex with, like, goats in some of these oily countries? Wouldn't a nice fat person be better?

Now what about whales? Didn't we used to burn whale oil? So, we could do lipo and convert people blubber into petrol, right? Maybe? I saw somewhere on a display of synthetic transmission fluid that regular transmission fluid was/still is made out of pork fat. So, yes. Or we could just go back to killing whales, which I am all for, because it a) produced a great work of literature that no one has ever read and b) honestly! What has a whale done for you recently? Majestic intelligent blah blah blah my ass. You don't hear anyone raving about giant squids, do you?

Anyway, someone had better fix this petrol thing, and fix it NOW. So with that in mind, I watched the debate last night, chez Saniel.

My mind wasn't changed, I prefer McCain because he seems like more of a known quantity, and I Trust him. That being said, I didn't see much difference between the two candidates. I don't know that I would terribly mind Obama as president; he doesn't appear slimy like the Clintons, or evil like Al Gore, or waffly like Kerry. But I have to ask a couple of questions: Both candidates talked a lot about reining in spending, but Obama also talked about we need $ for alternative energies and several other programs, so- where exactly is he going to rein in spending?
And did y'all notice Obama saying that I'm going to have cross-border attacks into Pakistan? Like bombing raids? Because that worked so well in Cambodia? And then McCain said, well, If I were going to do that, I wouldn't tell anyone, so he'd SECRETLY bomb Pakistan?

I think whomever we get- most likely to be Obama- is going to end up looking a lot like Bush III.

Anyway, completely randomly- this morning on the way to work, there were a whole bunch of police cars outside one house on Memorial, and after I noticed that the 500/Taurus can now be purchased as a police car- I was thinking, this isn't an accident- and then I noticed crime scene tape, and then I noticed someone lying flat on their face in someone's yard, and I realised someone had apparently been killed.

Ooo and I have this feeling that American football season is upon us, so what I have to do is arm myself with a compendium of stupendously boring law facts which I can retaliate with if anyone tries to tell me about American football. I have been working on a memo for my externship involving the constitutionality of state regulations and some of those cases are really, really awful. They contain pages and pages of language like this. "statute granting statutory immunity to counties for non-contractual acts and omissions relating to flood protection was not impliedly repealed by statutes abrogating common-law statutory immunity."

And yesterday I had a blowout on the freeway and my brother and Dad came and helped me, which if you really want to know about I can describe in great detail, but muchos thank yous to everyone involved. I am almost so thankful as to abandon my plan to Intentionally Inflict Emotional Distress on Alex and reveal all, but I am thinking, at least one of the ideas is too good to entirely abandon, so what I will do is just reveal part of it now, and part of it in a later post. Vaseline.