Boldly Going Where Everyone Else Has Already Been
You know, that was not INTENDED to be a pun, but I guess it turned into one? So, no, I did not have sex with you-know-who.
Anyhow, I am back! So today the tax professor asked what happened to my code book, and I said, it hasn't come yet!
And only much later did I realise, I should have said, that's what he said!
Now the title of this entry refers to Martha Stewart's June 2009 magazine, which I just discovered was subtitled, "Take it Easy."
Now Martha Stewart has been duly and deservingly mocked, but I could not really let this lie fallow, so let us ponder what Ms. Stewart considers taking it easy.
Immediately inside the front cover is a rather frightening picture of a lady with an enormous red hair barrette sitting on a cushion, with her knees up, wearing white overalls, a red t-shirt, and Converse, laughing in - do y'all remember that Lily Tomlin character of the little girl in the enormous chair? Or Roseanne Roseannadanna? This lady looks profoundly whatever the current politically correct word for mentally retarded is. The photo spread is an advertisement for Armstrong flooring, which promises, "It only looks like the real thing."
Well I can't say that for anyone I ever slept with, so there.
I can't think of anything of which I ever said, "It only looks like the real thing" as a term of praise. To outline Ms. Stewart's calendar, which she places on the second inside page of her magazine, would be too much bother but nothing in there looks like anyone is "taking it easy." Ms. Stewart includes items such as, on the 23rd, "Yoga," "Friesans and minature donkeys get their annual checkups," and "Leave for London." I do not know what "Friesans and minature donkeys" annual checkups involve, but I would rather hope Ms. Stewart will have to stick her hand deep in their behinds. Then I would suggest reversing the order of "Yoga" and "Friesans and minature donkeys get their annual checkups," because I would think that Yoga would relieve the feelings that you get from conducting annual checkups on Friesans and minature donkeys. Ms. Stewart includes on her calendar items such as "Dinner with the Booth-Clibborns-" Why? Are her readers going to crash the party? She also has listed, "open all windows to circulate fresh air throughout the house," for the 11th, which makes one wonder who exactly Ms. Stewart is writing for and when. June to me seems rather late to begin such a thing, and are her readers so daft this would not occur to them unless she suggested it? Are they saying, Martha opens her windows on the 11th of June, therefore I shall do the same? Ms. Stewart, sadly, has failed to include entries such as "bondage with pool boy," "buy new D-size batteries for vibrator," "drink a whole bottle of vodka," or "make leather restraints for BDSM orgy."
Although the first two or three featured recipes could arguably count as "taking it easy," the third (or fourth) is "cream puffs with lemon curd and blueberry sauce" which features three individual recipes which all look like they take forever to actually prepare.
There is an article on page 44 for "the quest for a good hand soap," which suggests a (hopefully) rarely imitated level of neurosis and boredom. I would rather hope I do not know people who "quest" for a good hand soap, as though this required a concerted effort comparable to questing for the Holy Grail or questing for Eldorado instead of walking into any store and purchasing such a thing. "Most of us pick hand soap based on how it smells or how the container will look beside the sink," derides the article.
I have not even been guilty of this sin; Hand soap is not one of those conscious choices I make, but if I did, it would be soaps I took from EconoLodge.
"But to get the job done- without rubbing hands raw in the process-"
I object to this. Are there large numbers of Ms. Stewart's readers using Lava soap? Are there (ladies, presumably) walking around with raw, bleeding hands waiting for her advice on choosing a hand soap? I hope never to have to shake their hands if this is the case. Is she writing for Lady Macbeth?
Ms. Stewart suggests making a card shaped like a jacket lapel for a pocket square, claiming it is a "gift Dad is sure to appreciate," and features a green and white gingham looking pocket square, and I would love to know whose Dad would appreciate this exactly, because A) no straight white (aw come on, Ms. Stewart can count her black readers on her non-raw hands) man I know would ever wear a pocket square B) my Dad wears velcro sneakers from Kmart and appreciates alcohol and C) theoretically, even if your Dad did appreciate a pocket square? Green and white GINGHAM? How much, exactly, do you hate men? And now we know.
The next page features making a "sack sleeve to match your kitchen decor" for used plastic bags with something called "twill tape."
But the following page suggests several items which strike me as perfect for a really fun and unpleasant practical joke: "Infused liquors are perfect for parties and gifts."
Now that would be fine if she suggested flavours that people would be likely to, you know, ENJOY, but she has suggested, SERIOUSLY:
Fennel vodka and beet-cucumber vodka.
I would like to know, who WANTS fennel vodka? Or what sort of drink exactly would you make with beet-cucumber vodka? (other than a bullshot) Everyone I know is noisy in their denunciation of beets and I can't imagine anyone- and y'all know some of the people I know- saying, yes, let's have some more of that beet-cucumber vodka, mmm!
Ms. Stewart, on the next page, suggests the little black dress as a "new basic," which- who doesn't know about that? That, combined with the beet-cucumber vodka, suggests a reader clueless to the point of imbecility with a serious Sadist streak.
I didn't bother to read the rest of the magazine, so I have run out of criticism, but I would really like (no, I actually would NOT) to meet the person who:
* will copy Ms. Stewart's calendar and open her(his?) windows on 11th June because, "that's when Martha opens her windows!"
* was unaware that the "little black dress" is a basic
* has the level of hostility towards men to gift a green-and-white-gingham pocket square to her (his?)father, in an elaborate jacket card
* will inflict fennel and beet-cucumber vodka on anyone at a party, or as a gift.
* thinks "it only looks like the real thing" are words of recommendation.
Anyhow, I am back! So today the tax professor asked what happened to my code book, and I said, it hasn't come yet!
And only much later did I realise, I should have said, that's what he said!
Now the title of this entry refers to Martha Stewart's June 2009 magazine, which I just discovered was subtitled, "Take it Easy."
Now Martha Stewart has been duly and deservingly mocked, but I could not really let this lie fallow, so let us ponder what Ms. Stewart considers taking it easy.
Immediately inside the front cover is a rather frightening picture of a lady with an enormous red hair barrette sitting on a cushion, with her knees up, wearing white overalls, a red t-shirt, and Converse, laughing in - do y'all remember that Lily Tomlin character of the little girl in the enormous chair? Or Roseanne Roseannadanna? This lady looks profoundly whatever the current politically correct word for mentally retarded is. The photo spread is an advertisement for Armstrong flooring, which promises, "It only looks like the real thing."
Well I can't say that for anyone I ever slept with, so there.
I can't think of anything of which I ever said, "It only looks like the real thing" as a term of praise. To outline Ms. Stewart's calendar, which she places on the second inside page of her magazine, would be too much bother but nothing in there looks like anyone is "taking it easy." Ms. Stewart includes items such as, on the 23rd, "Yoga," "Friesans and minature donkeys get their annual checkups," and "Leave for London." I do not know what "Friesans and minature donkeys" annual checkups involve, but I would rather hope Ms. Stewart will have to stick her hand deep in their behinds. Then I would suggest reversing the order of "Yoga" and "Friesans and minature donkeys get their annual checkups," because I would think that Yoga would relieve the feelings that you get from conducting annual checkups on Friesans and minature donkeys. Ms. Stewart includes on her calendar items such as "Dinner with the Booth-Clibborns-" Why? Are her readers going to crash the party? She also has listed, "open all windows to circulate fresh air throughout the house," for the 11th, which makes one wonder who exactly Ms. Stewart is writing for and when. June to me seems rather late to begin such a thing, and are her readers so daft this would not occur to them unless she suggested it? Are they saying, Martha opens her windows on the 11th of June, therefore I shall do the same? Ms. Stewart, sadly, has failed to include entries such as "bondage with pool boy," "buy new D-size batteries for vibrator," "drink a whole bottle of vodka," or "make leather restraints for BDSM orgy."
Although the first two or three featured recipes could arguably count as "taking it easy," the third (or fourth) is "cream puffs with lemon curd and blueberry sauce" which features three individual recipes which all look like they take forever to actually prepare.
There is an article on page 44 for "the quest for a good hand soap," which suggests a (hopefully) rarely imitated level of neurosis and boredom. I would rather hope I do not know people who "quest" for a good hand soap, as though this required a concerted effort comparable to questing for the Holy Grail or questing for Eldorado instead of walking into any store and purchasing such a thing. "Most of us pick hand soap based on how it smells or how the container will look beside the sink," derides the article.
I have not even been guilty of this sin; Hand soap is not one of those conscious choices I make, but if I did, it would be soaps I took from EconoLodge.
"But to get the job done- without rubbing hands raw in the process-"
I object to this. Are there large numbers of Ms. Stewart's readers using Lava soap? Are there (ladies, presumably) walking around with raw, bleeding hands waiting for her advice on choosing a hand soap? I hope never to have to shake their hands if this is the case. Is she writing for Lady Macbeth?
Ms. Stewart suggests making a card shaped like a jacket lapel for a pocket square, claiming it is a "gift Dad is sure to appreciate," and features a green and white gingham looking pocket square, and I would love to know whose Dad would appreciate this exactly, because A) no straight white (aw come on, Ms. Stewart can count her black readers on her non-raw hands) man I know would ever wear a pocket square B) my Dad wears velcro sneakers from Kmart and appreciates alcohol and C) theoretically, even if your Dad did appreciate a pocket square? Green and white GINGHAM? How much, exactly, do you hate men? And now we know.
The next page features making a "sack sleeve to match your kitchen decor" for used plastic bags with something called "twill tape."
But the following page suggests several items which strike me as perfect for a really fun and unpleasant practical joke: "Infused liquors are perfect for parties and gifts."
Now that would be fine if she suggested flavours that people would be likely to, you know, ENJOY, but she has suggested, SERIOUSLY:
Fennel vodka and beet-cucumber vodka.
I would like to know, who WANTS fennel vodka? Or what sort of drink exactly would you make with beet-cucumber vodka? (other than a bullshot) Everyone I know is noisy in their denunciation of beets and I can't imagine anyone- and y'all know some of the people I know- saying, yes, let's have some more of that beet-cucumber vodka, mmm!
Ms. Stewart, on the next page, suggests the little black dress as a "new basic," which- who doesn't know about that? That, combined with the beet-cucumber vodka, suggests a reader clueless to the point of imbecility with a serious Sadist streak.
I didn't bother to read the rest of the magazine, so I have run out of criticism, but I would really like (no, I actually would NOT) to meet the person who:
* will copy Ms. Stewart's calendar and open her(his?) windows on 11th June because, "that's when Martha opens her windows!"
* was unaware that the "little black dress" is a basic
* has the level of hostility towards men to gift a green-and-white-gingham pocket square to her (his?)father, in an elaborate jacket card
* will inflict fennel and beet-cucumber vodka on anyone at a party, or as a gift.
* thinks "it only looks like the real thing" are words of recommendation.
posted by SavageATL at 11:29 PM
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