What I should have written Version 2

Once again I distributed hand written cards to each of my students, thanking them for being in my class this year, hoping they had learnt a lot, complimenting them briefly and then wishing them much success in the future.

This really touches them- - - which absolutely flabbergasts me. I'm so out of touch with being a teenager, I just don't see how writing each of them cards gets this outpouring of gratitude from them. Even the BOYS (especially the boys?) are enthused.

I am not certain how I would have reacted in high school if my teachers had given me cards but I don't think I would have been as excited as all of my students seem to be. And they go and tell all the other classes, so that the other classes eagerly anticipate this.

I want my card, said the German boy who looks like Ashton Kutcher. When are we going to get our cards?

Are we getting cards, asked the tall new wave girl. The other classes got cards.

Of course I wrote the cards in French. The compliment was worded, more or less, You are a very _______ young man/woman. insert intelligent, agreeable, talented, personable, pleasant-

But here's what I should have written for some of them-

You are an extremely fidgety and annoying child, like a hyperactive cicada. I wish you had been a bug so I could have squished you.

You talk more than any human being I have ever encountered in my life. You are the opposite of Calvin Coolidge ( I could have written that, actually.) You have no chance at a social life because you drive everyone away.

You have gotten much, much gayer since the beginning of the year. You are almost as gay as the big flaming mop-headed boy I had last year. If being gay were contagious, Aristide would have a bad case of it now.

You are just flat ignorant, and that is sad.

You actually are as cool as you think you are (I could have written that, but it just didn't seem professional)

Get used to people calling you Aardvark.

You are dumber than most root vegetables. You have proven that blonde isn't really a stereotype, there's quite a bit of truth to it.

You know that stereotype that Asians are smart and hard working? You totally trashed it!

No one ever thinks of Filipinos as smart, though, and you reinforce that idea.

Your head is shaped like a lumpy, upside down pointy pear. It is truly unique.

There has been exactly one Monica so far famous in history. Why are you trying so hard to follow in her footsteps?

Your whole blue eye-brown eye thing? Not as cool as the kid I had last year.

Someday, you shall write a tell-all memoir about all the things you did in high school. You shan't have to make any of it up, either.

It's a good thing that in life, looks are more important than brains. Just find some rich guy who thinks really, really dumb people are hot, and you've got it MADE.

You look really funny when you get mad, like you're going to cry.

You have some of the dumbest ideas I have ever heard in my life, and I am related to someone who tried to glue a live tree back together after it broke during a storm.

Your personality is repulsive and whiny. It's too bad you don't have the looks to compensate.