The Wide Bride

So here is what (has happened,because I'm finishing this, like, weeks later) in Traland. (new word! Is that not cool, y'all?)

Wednesday Trey had tickets to see some band- these were some people whom he sees at every concert he goes to, and apparently they have a band, so we went to see them at the Masquerade.

That was a lot of fun, because I wore my action Transvestite outfit and blonde twins who looked like UGA cheerleaders hit on me and one of them lifted my shirt and licked my nipple! 'Can I have your face?" she asked. So there, action-transvestite doubters!

Also Friday we went to a party for some dude who works at Trey's gym and is moving to the Florida Keys.

This was held at some place called Amsterdam Walk, and I honestly have never been so glad to be married in all my life, because all the guys there were seriously old and yucky looking. I hope that poppers or something is what makes you look that old, at least I hope that something that I have never done makes you look old like that because they made Jessica Tandy look like Paris Hilton.

What is the deal with gays? They're like 25 and then all of a sudden, one night they wake up and like Rip Van Winkle they are old trolls? Seriously, you almost never see decent, middle aged looking gay dudes. Maybe, like cicadas, they go underground for 17 years. O and it is not nice at all when you don't got it and you flaunt it, or you did have it like during the Carter administration, and you still think you got it, and - - - no.

For example, the guy who was going away- Dan- he is a vegetarian- and I am thinking, this is not a good way to promote vegetarianism, because if this is a demonstration of the health benefits of working out and eating vegetables, I am going to sit on my couch and eat 24- ounce bloody porterhouse steaks.

AND then he tried to give Trey a HICKEY, and I so wished I had been wearing my action transvestite heels, because then I stuck my action-transvestite pointy heel right up his ass.

I think I would have been angrier if he had been (attractive) no, make that humanoid, but I do not have to worry about Trey having found this an enjoyable experience. These dudes were not, let me repeat, even attractive in a kind of mature-successful-distinguished Bob Lutz kind of way. And I don't like gay club music, either. Let's hope that a steady diet of that has made them old and icky looking.

Then Saturday, we went to a wedding, so we have had quite the social life recently! I imagine when I start law school I'll crawl back (under my rock) into my bathtub and read a lot so I'd best bestow the blessings of my presence now, as liberally as possible.

I did not know the people getting married; this was on a horse pasture out in Canton, and somewhat unromantic. Now I am going to make a lot of fat jokes.

Why, you want to know? How could you partake of these kind people's generous hospitality and then jejeunely mock them?

Because, dear friends, I am fascinated by the morbidly obese, bad wigs/toupees, and the variety of disasters that people choose to inflict upon themselves. Sylvia Plath was fascinated by a dead baby in a bottle, but the dead baby didn't CHOOSE to be in the bottle; it is much more interesting to contemplate why, for example, someone would choose to wear a really awful wig, or get plastic surgery which you think makes you look younger but just makes you look like Katherine Harris, or achieve the same size as a national monument. Tattoos, I think, do not count, because tattoos are not done with the idea of improving one's appearance. So they are only kind of gross, but really more stupid.

But seriously, y'all, she was like The U.S.S. Perla. I mean, I did not know whether to hug her in greeting or to christen her, she was like, an aircraft carrier stuffed into a bridal gown.

It was like the Weekly World News! GIGANTIC BRIDE marries, then devours spouse! Nom nom nom!

I guess her mother had spent her days of confinement watching Orson Welles advertise Gallo Wines, and very, very recent Marlon Brando movies. Or maybe she had been frightened by the Michelin Man while carrying Perla. Or maybe all she had to watch was Ghostbusters and watched the Sta-Puf man over and over, because y'all, she had gotten to the point where- you know how when people get really big, their arms get shorter? Her arms- they were like the flippers- of the penguin.
I honestly did not know that you could BUY a wedding dress in a triple-digit size. How many girls do you think get married who have no neck and trapezoidal heads?

I think after they get married, then her wedding dress will have a long and happy after life as a car cover. Or she could send it to Sally Struthers and have it shelter at least a family of four in more comfort than a Katrina Trailer. The Dionne Quintuplets (look it up, Alex) could have gotten married in that dress.

I suppose the groom is thinking, I really would like to have a fivesome! every day of my life! Although thus far he has been sadly disappointed in his quest. He has bravely soldiered on by having sex every day with a woman who is the EQUIVALENT of 5 different women! Imagine! (Or don't) Her pussy- could be so huge- it would be like DIFFERENT pussy every day, because you'd never hit the same place twice. 5 times the pussy of an ordinary woman, but the same mouth, and it's stuffed with food most of the time! I bet you could hide in between her folds of flab and make it into some kind of sex game. I (seriously) wondered if they were going to be able to have children, because in order to be able to conceive, it has to be close enough to put the little sperms into the hole, right? And they can't be deposited, like, in the desert of her gigantic thighs and wander around like the Jews after they left Egypt because they will all die.

It's a good thing she's not a lesbian because for her to have a baby, they could not use a turkey baster. No. They would have to use a garden hose. Also I do not think it is physically possible for her to get any larger, she would then be seriously a national monument.

I hope Alex is reading this on his lunch break.