Really Ugly Beds!
Y'all did not know this, (or more truthfully, y'all totally do not care) but my Friend is supposed to visit from Nashville for Halloween so I am making vague stabs at making the house look more like one college educated human being lives there and less like a large family of alcoholic badgers lives there or it has been ransacked by goons. (there must be a collective noun for a bunch of badgers, like an unkindness of ravens? Or a pride of lions? Look it up). Part of this involves- well, I have sheets and so forth on the bed I ordinarily sleep on but that bed is small so I want to buy sheets and make the other bed look- well, normal. Yes.
First of all, did y'all know how much sheets cost? A LOT. I had no idea! Like a nice suit? Each piece? Can cost less than a set of sheets and I'm thinking, now what exactly is there to a set of sheets. It's like, some fabric with some hemming. I'm used to paying $3 a yard for really fancy fabric so.
Let me list several things that cost less than a set of sheets, but I think should cost more.
Many electronic things cost less, despite being full of Magic. (O yah? How do YOU think a CD player works? Just ask Alex and see) Sheets do not have any Magic in and of themselves.
Kittens can be frequently obtained for FREE and I want to know what is more full of Magic and Adorableness than a kitten.
Books! You can get whole piles of books for less than a set of sheets.
Same thing with CDs or music, I think you could probably buy the entire Michael Jackson catalogue for the price of a set of sheets.
In a few weeks you might be able to buy a majority stake in GM or Ford for the price of a set of sheets.
You can probably buy a whole house in some parts of the country for less than the price of a set of sheets.
You can probably buy every bit of Joe Biden branded memorabilia for less than the price of a set of sheets.
You can probably buy Calista Flockhart for less than the price of a set of sheets.
A tire costs less than a set of sheets, and that's WITH mounting and balancing. Like seriously, y'all!
And y'all know about my parents (no wait, y'all know about the lady who insists she not get named in my blog) and like she has about 8 million sets? But I am thinking, that A) I want them to match- in the hope that gradually, bit by bit, my house will improve- fighting back, you know- and then eventually it will all be tasteful and reasonably attractive B) I want them to fit, because this certain lady has no concept of "size" or "fit" or "didn't come from the trash" and C) like, they shouldn't be spotted or stained or tacky or anything? And I realise that they will shortly become stained (hee) but I do not want previous stains?
Shut up! I am making vague stabs in the direction of being normal.
But anyway, so I have been trying to buy these things and look at the really, really ugly beds I found for you! There are a whole pile of these so if you are not busy you can find your personal favourites and think of snarky things to say (does not work for Alex.)
Y'all! I am NOT making these up and I did not find them in a JCPenney 1978 catalogue. Fine, if you think that I am, you can click on the title to see them for yourselves.
This was the first picture I saw and I was like, AAAAH! Just the thing for someone who craves waking up with their face in a deer's ass.
But suppose you don't want to wake up with your face in a deer's ass? Suppose you think, that's great, but I'd rather wake up with my head in a bear's ass, and can't find big fat hairy gay guys where I live? (then you're living in the wrong place, but still)
There's also this, and surprisingly, the painting of the dogs playing poker is not offered as a mandatory accessory. The fools!
This bed features the type of setting featured in "The Shining," or "The Blair Witch Project." Guaranteed nightmare-fodder.
This bed is called the "Glamour Bed." Before I saw this bed, when I imagine "Glamour," it was more Fanny Ardent? Now, after having seen this bed, when i imagine "Glamour," all I can imagine is so violently purple.
This was the bed on which Strawberry Shortcake had her first, and fatal orgasm. She immediately exploded.
This is the ideal bedding ensemble for someone with a severe explosive digestive problem, someone who poos the bed on a VERY regular bases. You should put it in the same room with the Strawberry Shortcake bed and see if the world ends.
This bedding ensemble is called the "Jive" Bed, and if you can figure out what connection it has with "Jive," please let me know.
This one is called the "Southwestern Bed." Somehow, when Dad and I went to visit the Southwest in '96, we missed the shades/tints of fuchsia parts of the Southwest.
The violent cabbages depicted here, in black and white, should star in a film noir. Please note the foreboding.
Someone who is - well, not entirely right in the head apparently lives here because they have apparently crammed all the furniture they could find into one corner of the room; else the furniture is huddling in the corner and trying to make itself invisible because the owner has an axe AAAH AAAAH AAAAAAH!
First of all, did y'all know how much sheets cost? A LOT. I had no idea! Like a nice suit? Each piece? Can cost less than a set of sheets and I'm thinking, now what exactly is there to a set of sheets. It's like, some fabric with some hemming. I'm used to paying $3 a yard for really fancy fabric so.
Let me list several things that cost less than a set of sheets, but I think should cost more.
Many electronic things cost less, despite being full of Magic. (O yah? How do YOU think a CD player works? Just ask Alex and see) Sheets do not have any Magic in and of themselves.
Kittens can be frequently obtained for FREE and I want to know what is more full of Magic and Adorableness than a kitten.
Books! You can get whole piles of books for less than a set of sheets.
Same thing with CDs or music, I think you could probably buy the entire Michael Jackson catalogue for the price of a set of sheets.
In a few weeks you might be able to buy a majority stake in GM or Ford for the price of a set of sheets.
You can probably buy a whole house in some parts of the country for less than the price of a set of sheets.
You can probably buy every bit of Joe Biden branded memorabilia for less than the price of a set of sheets.
You can probably buy Calista Flockhart for less than the price of a set of sheets.
A tire costs less than a set of sheets, and that's WITH mounting and balancing. Like seriously, y'all!
And y'all know about my parents (no wait, y'all know about the lady who insists she not get named in my blog) and like she has about 8 million sets? But I am thinking, that A) I want them to match- in the hope that gradually, bit by bit, my house will improve- fighting back, you know- and then eventually it will all be tasteful and reasonably attractive B) I want them to fit, because this certain lady has no concept of "size" or "fit" or "didn't come from the trash" and C) like, they shouldn't be spotted or stained or tacky or anything? And I realise that they will shortly become stained (hee) but I do not want previous stains?
Shut up! I am making vague stabs in the direction of being normal.
But anyway, so I have been trying to buy these things and look at the really, really ugly beds I found for you! There are a whole pile of these so if you are not busy you can find your personal favourites and think of snarky things to say (does not work for Alex.)
Y'all! I am NOT making these up and I did not find them in a JCPenney 1978 catalogue. Fine, if you think that I am, you can click on the title to see them for yourselves.
This was the first picture I saw and I was like, AAAAH! Just the thing for someone who craves waking up with their face in a deer's ass.
But suppose you don't want to wake up with your face in a deer's ass? Suppose you think, that's great, but I'd rather wake up with my head in a bear's ass, and can't find big fat hairy gay guys where I live? (then you're living in the wrong place, but still)
There's also this, and surprisingly, the painting of the dogs playing poker is not offered as a mandatory accessory. The fools!
This bed features the type of setting featured in "The Shining," or "The Blair Witch Project." Guaranteed nightmare-fodder.
This bed is called the "Glamour Bed." Before I saw this bed, when I imagine "Glamour," it was more Fanny Ardent? Now, after having seen this bed, when i imagine "Glamour," all I can imagine is so violently purple.
This was the bed on which Strawberry Shortcake had her first, and fatal orgasm. She immediately exploded.
This is the ideal bedding ensemble for someone with a severe explosive digestive problem, someone who poos the bed on a VERY regular bases. You should put it in the same room with the Strawberry Shortcake bed and see if the world ends.
This bedding ensemble is called the "Jive" Bed, and if you can figure out what connection it has with "Jive," please let me know.
This one is called the "Southwestern Bed." Somehow, when Dad and I went to visit the Southwest in '96, we missed the shades/tints of fuchsia parts of the Southwest.
The violent cabbages depicted here, in black and white, should star in a film noir. Please note the foreboding.
Someone who is - well, not entirely right in the head apparently lives here because they have apparently crammed all the furniture they could find into one corner of the room; else the furniture is huddling in the corner and trying to make itself invisible because the owner has an axe AAAH AAAAH AAAAAAH!
posted by SavageATL at 5:54 PM
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