Thursday, November 13, 2008

Halloween!

Someday I will put up pictures of Halloween but at the moment they are not all scanned so y'all will have to ask me to see them in person.

The parts of my party that I remember? Were fun but I frankly do not remember much of it. But a good deal of what transpired later was described to me by someone who should know, as he doesn't drink, and he was much surprised.

This was his first Halloween party ever (? how exactly does that happen?) and I do not think he had expected that level of debauchery; it was so extreme that even I do not want to discuss it. Let us also say that it was a Very, VERY Good Thing that Alex, etc., left when they did. I did what I had fully intended to do but then.

One more time: There were parts of what happened that even I refuse to talk about it, and Ian and I are "brilth," that is, brothers in filth. As in, my goal is to someday say something so vile people's hair will catch fire.

I thought I had no sense of shame, as in, it had all dried up and blown away? Or melted? But that turns out to not be entirely true. It may be rather small, and hiding, but it did hit me full force.

Then we did some other things for the rest of the weekend that I will not discuss, but I was talked into them, and at two places I spent a great deal of time contemplating my toes.

Suffice it to say, scrub and scrub and never feel clean, and "No More I Love You's" except old and fat. This was one of those things where- I always thought it would be kinda hot, but then- theory does not equal practice.

Kinda like lesbianism, where you are all like, you're into chicks, I'm down with that! but aren't chicks, like, the sex which wears makeup and dresses and is pretty, and ? - this is not a chick. This is Elmer Fudd.

At some point, before I (blank), I discovered that one is no longer allowed to use "diggity" to modify the word "bomb." Since I can relate this discussion in its entirety without fear of being disbarred, in advance, -

I mentioned Arts and Letters Daily.

I LOVE Arts and Letters Daily, said Rebecca!

Arts and Letters Daily is the Bomb Diggity, I responded.
This remark met with considerable derision. Apparently, while it is still acceptable to observe that something may be the bomb, it is no longer acceptable to modify this metaphor with “diggity,” lest people think you are all stuck in 1995 and are going to buy a pager to go with your Fubu.

Also Christmas is about to be upon us (no, it has already happened it this point, I have been stuck in law school finals HELL0) and apparently presents have to be purchased. After three visits (during each of which I managed to get drunk) Robin is broadly hinting at what I should buy him for Christmas.

“Mommie Dearest,” I responded.
“That’s only $12,” he answered, “that’s not much of a Christmas present.”

This is true, but Robin seems to be ignoring the fact that A) I am in law school and B) for him, some of the best things come in small, tight, smooth packages, i.e., my ass. That he can have.

“Why don’t you get me something you’d like to see me wearing,” he suggested.

Well, that would be fine, maybe, except to tell you the truth I do not much care what he wears. He is certainly a nice looking chap but you have to remember from whom I came, yes? He- um. Kinda dresses like my brother? Jeans and ancient sweatshirt kinda thing, and only since he asked did I pull out a blazer and suggest that but he said that was not his style, so fine. He is much more of the Nike shoes type, and so while he was here we went to Niketown at Lenox and – I was nonplussed by Niketown. I do not wear sneakers, they do not go with the kinds of outfits I prefer to wear, and- I don’t sneak, nor do I play tennis, because I cannot get anyone to want to play tennis with me, so where would I wear them? Also I am often at work. I am more of the clean metrosexual Eurotrash hipster type, I think.
So not wearing sneakers, I am not really qualified to evaluate them. I had heard of $100 tennis shoes and so forth before but I had never really contemplated them, like you hear of diamond collars for dogs? But have never actually seen them?

Anyway, I realised that these sneakers cost as much as- what I would consider a fairly expensive pair of dress shoes. One of the pairs looked to me like- if the Goodyear blimp were a shoe, that would be it, and another one looked like it was made out of flayed Spider-man and another one was a lurid shiny blue and had “Puerto Rico” emblazoned on the toes.

No, I do not know why.

If you wore these shoes, people would have to come up and tell you to turn them down.

Anyway, I got Robin yoga socks- did you know that there are special socks for yoga? I did not know this!

I am not really sure what yoga is, but I understand it involves stretching, I did not know it required special socks. Huh. And he wanted yoga pants as well, but-

He had many requirements. "they are like jogging pants, but somehow not jogging pants, and they can't have a certain kind of fly, and they can't have the drawstring on the inside, and they are like pajamas but not really - - -" he explained, so I abandoned that. I am not that picky about my clothing; I just want Alex to be as embarassed as possible.

And I made him a picture! It says, "trust in the lord with all your heart" and has a praying figure on the globe. And I got him "Mommie Dearest" and something called "The Transporter" which was Blu-Ray and everyone I have spoken to likes it. Also I gave him "The Fountainhead" and "Atlas Shrugged," which he is enjoying.

ooo IIED and Alex! Ask me about it. yes! As y'all know, I have been Plotting to Intentionally Inflict Emotional Distress on Alex for some time now.

Alex's cat caught a squirrel and ate it, all except for the tail. Ian and I found the tail.

Now you tell me you wouldn't think this was a perfect ingredient for a fun prank!

So I put it in a jar of peanut butter so that someday Alex would open it and aaah aaah aaah!

But he did not open it. Sailor Moon opened it, and we did not get the reaction we were expecting. He was more like, Huh! and then did not even shriek or anything.

Then the following week of course he went straight for Alex's fridge and Ian and I giggled at each other about this. Is your sandwich GOOD? We demanded, and tittered. Sailor Moon was unfazed.

Anyway, I did find something to up the ante, so wait until you hear about this one. He is really going to be Emotionally Distressed.

And then my water heater exploded twice, and that was not good.

O and I have two new funnies.
You know what would be funny? if Bobby from King of the Hill? Turned into a cockroach, like Gregor Samsa in The Metamorphosis.
Hank: you stop foolin around there bobby, right now, and change yourself back!

Or if the yip-yips from Sesame Street? Were introduced to K-Fed and they would be like, yip yip yip, douche-bag, douche-bag- yip yip yip aw haw- aw haw- douchebag.