What Cruella Has Been Doing

Well let's back up as far as I can remember, which was Kim invited me to karaoke somewhere in East Point, and she was the designated driver, so.

I remember everything that happened except for the ride home and it was a lot of fun. Y'all can just imagine, or if you can't, take me and I'll be happy to reenact it for you.

Anyhow this week I am in Nashville with "Robin," not the Robin and Sheela Robin but my not-romance Robin, because I thought everything was pretty much patched up? But he keeps insisting that we are not a couple. Ok fine, but then how come you reminded me of our anniversary? I suppose we can have an anniversary and not be a couple. It's also his birthday.

What do you want for your birthday/anniversary? I ask him.

I dunno, he says, and then after some thought he says I want you to dress up because you always bring everything but never do.

Fine, I say, then I go buy him a breadmaker. He really appreciated the things I bought and did for him, as in candles and balloons and a banner in the garage, I would have made a clafoutis but I broke the oven again.

And this is the first time in a long time I have been able to come up here and not have my head buried in schoolwork, so that is good.

"Robin" also has been having some difficulties at work and has decided to take vacation, rather suddenly, to get over it, so next week we are going to Florida. This is very complicated.

"Robin" wants to go to Miami, which I acquiesce to, I am not sure what there is in Miami but fine. He has a newfound appreciation and interest in "nightlife," which I do not understand, because he does not drink, and do you know any people who don't drink and are interested in "nightlife?" I hope what he means by "nightlife" is not he is going to get his mack on and have me watch and get upset. "Nightlife" to me generally = alcohol. Well if I am in for a nasty surprise let everyone all remember that I (ooo, I'm saving that one) ok- am capable of and willing to put squirrel tails in peanut butter. So there. He wants to go shopping, which they have in Miami, but not in the other places I suggested like Savannah, Charleston, Gulf Shores- that were close to Atlanta. His indicator of good shopping is is there a Diesel store there? He is the worst person in the WORLD I have ever been shopping with because it takes him 4 days- I kid you not- to buy one pair of idiotically expensive jeans. Trust me. He (we have discussed this) buys jeans and polos but pays stupid prices because he wants to look "different." Also he likes to shop at "American Apparel" which has some of the worst quality clothes I have ever seen, I have never seen t-shirts which manage to tear from being breathed on before.

Well I think I shall have to learn how to knit. Anyway I want to stay in hotels on the beach, with a Jacuzzi, because I am generally cold. This might have something to do with my diet, claims "Robin," "You have poor circulation and your arteries are full of plaque because of what you eat." That is quite possible. One word: Popeye's.

"Robin" does not seem inclined to stay on the beach or in a hotel with a Jacuzzi.

"I'm in cheap mode," he announces, "You haven't seen how cheap I can be."

O really. This is making me a little anxious. He was talking about budgeting for the trip and he had budgeted $50/night for hotels and then (!) $10 a day (each) for food - - - (!)

(MAKE IMAGINING SOUNDS NOW, READERS)

(friend, probably Sandi) "How was your trip?"

(me) "It was good! I learnt to knit while watching "Robin" shop!

(friend, probably Sandi) "What did you knit?"

(me) "See, I made y'all a baby blanket."

(friend, probably Sandi) "Exactly what shape were you intending this to be? Do you know anyone who has a long, narrow sort of triangular-shaped baby?"

(me) "ummm, I didn't say I was any GOOD at knitting. For Julio and Iris I knitted a baby sweater, which would be great if their baby had one arm which is 24 inches long and one arm which is 18 inches long and a square neck."

(friend, probably Sandi) "What else did you do?"

(me) "We ate at McDo a lot."

(friend, probably Sandi) "I thought you hated McDo?"

(me) "Well, what we did is "Robin" got this large jar of paste from Costco, and then we would run into the McDo and get a bunch of paper towels from the loo and then we put ketchup on the paper towels and ate paste and ketchup and paper towel roll-ups. They're full of carbs! You should try one! - - - -"

We were originally supposed to fly to Florida but "Robin" prefers to drive and it will be cheaper. I don't know if 14 hours of driving is ok by me, but we are going to break it up into shorter intervals. I asked "Robin" is he going to bring the GPS.

"I wasn't sure," he says, "I thought you didn't like it."

I like it fine, I say, you just never listen to what it says!

"That's because it's a woman!" he exclaims. (Isn't that funny!, ha ha!) I think the GPS should have a programmable voice like - James Mason, that would be good, or Margaret Thatcher, and then it would say things like Keep going straight! No turning now! This lady's not for turning!, and then you'd end up going off the Continental Shelf.

Cruella, it does not sound like you are having fun in Nashville!

Actually, I am but we have not gotten up to our usual antics. Remind me to tell Alex about the lemons.

What lemons?

O "Robin" for some reason does not like lemons, and y'all know you can't cook without lemons. I don't know what he eats ordinarily. He said that he has been on this diet and has been subsisting on sandwiches, two for lunch and two for dinner, for weeks and I don't think that- never mind, I KNOW I could not do that. So I have to hide the lemons and then hope he does not come in the room when it comes to any crucial lemon-step. Like this.

"Are you busy?" I ask.

"Yes," says "Robin."

"How busy?" I ask. "Are you going to be busy for several minutes or what?"

"Robin" is confused. "Why," he asks, and of course I cannot tell him- "I can stay out for a while."

Why, Cruella, what happens if you use lemons?

Last time he found them and tied me up and squeezed them all over me.

O.

And for his birthday/anniversary he wanted "That thing you made."

Then we played 20 questions to figure out what it was.

Did it have wings? I ask.

No, said "Robin."

Was it a mollusk? I ask. Was it a crustacean?

"Robin" gets very confused. It turned out what he wanted was lobster thermidor, which- because I broke his oven (AGAIN) I did not make but we ended up with boiled lobster.

"Robin" was not aware that lobsters are purchased live and boiled alive. I thought he would have seen enough television to know this, or - even if you haven't eaten one, that's just- you know this, right?

But the lobsters were cooked without incident and were extremely tasty. They did not shriek or whatever when they went into the pot. I can also tell you that ONE 1.75lb lobster is more than enough for two people with sides.

Logic Game II

Cruella and "Robin" wish to purchase matching t-shirts, because they are Dorks with a capital D. The following rules of selection must apply.

Cruella's shirt must be size S and "Robin"'s shirt must be XL.

"Robin" will not wear any shirt made out of that stretchy nylon type stuff although he wears cycling spandex.

Cruella feels stupid wearing shirts endorsing athletic wear, such as "element," "Billabong," "Quiksilver," because as y'all know Cruella is about as athletic as a rutabaga and is only interested in perpetrating fraud if there is some financial gain to come out of it.

"Robin" will not wear any shirt which is black or gray. Except sometimes.

"Robin" will not wear any shirt depicting skulls, crossbones, etc., because they are "satanic."

1) Which of the following shirts can Cruella and "Robin" purchase?

a) a black and white small shirt with "Tap-Out" emblazoned on the front and a black and white XL shirt with "Tap-Out" emblazoned on the front
b) a white viscose small shirt with nothing emblazoned on it and a white viscose XL shirt with nothing emblazoned on it
c) a small red Ed Hardy shirt and an XL red Ed Hardy Shirt
d) a small white shirt which says "How can I miss you if you don't go away?" and an XL white shirt which says "How can I miss you if you don't go away?"
e) a small blue tweety bird shirt and an XL blue tweety bird shirt.

2) Where can Cruella and "Robin" purchase their shirts?

a) T.J. Maxx
b) Burlington Coat Factory
c) some museum at Monte Alban in Oaxaca, Mexico
d) Macy's
e) Forever 21

3) Which of the following is an initially acceptable purchase that is complained of later?

a) a small cotton t-shirt and an XL cotton t-shirt which have Margaret Thatcher quotes saying "The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run our of other people's money."
b) a small black cotton t-shirt which has a picture of an eagle and something unreadable on it and an XL cotton t-shirt which has a picture of an eagle and something unreadable on it.
c) a small blue cotton t-shirt which has the number "32" on the shoulder and an XL blue cotton t-shirt which has the number "32" on the shoulder
d) a small white cotton t-shirt depicting "Mixtec Gods" and an XL white cotton t-shirt depicting "Mixtec Gods."
e) a small white cotton t-shirt with "Tap-Out" emblazoned upon it and an XL white cotton t-shirt with "Tap-Out" emblazoned upon it.

Answers and explanations:

1) Cruella does not know what "Tap-Out" is but "Robin" explains that this is some sort of ultimate fighting thing and anyway T.J. Maxx is cram-full of "Tap-Out" merchandise. If Cruella is going to endorse a failure, Cruella would like to do it ironically, like, "Mondale for President 2012." Some exec lost their job because of this "Tap-Out" fiasco.

b) Those are too plain and "Robin" will not wear viscose, as that is like the nylon. Cruella fails to understand this as Cruella <3 synthetics but then "Robin" explains that they accentuate the wrong bulge. O ok.

c) Ed Hardy is no longer fashionable as everyone except for Alex is wearing it now, and it has skulls and crossbones. It's officially over when Kmart carries it.

d) would have been acceptable except the t-shirt vendor could not produce them exactly the same so no.

e) Cruella decided that Cruella was not sure if Cruella was prepared to endorse what Tweety Bird stands for. Is "I Tawt I Taw a Puddy Tat!" the right direction for Cruella? Upon deep reflection, Cruella thinks not. Also Cruella remembers a lot of the obnoxious girls at Tri-Cities wore Tweety Bird t-shirts. (Alex thinks Cruella is obnoxious and frequently girly but he will have to admit that other than the bling, Cruella is not Ghetto Fabulous. Well, perhaps a little.)

2) a) Cruella and "Robin" decide not to purchase anything endorsing "Tap-Out" so T.J. Maxx is not going to work.

b) Burlington Coat Factory has buzzy fluorescent lights. We all know how Cruella feels about fluorescent lights. Also everything is Ed Hardy or an imitation.

c) This is acceptable.

d) Macy's is full of Ed Hardy or viscose/nylon.

e) Cruella had high hopes for Forever 21 but "Robin" does not seem interested in wearing ironic clothing, like a t-shirt depicting a tie, so he declines.

3) a) Cruella and "Robin" both love their Lady Thatcher shirts and Cruella wears this EVERYWHERE, prompting objections from "Robin." "I thought we were supposed to only wear them together," he grumbles. Cruella thinks the wisdom of Lady Thatcher is too valuable to not spread as widely as possible, including at the Turbo Buick meeting where Cruella's t-shirt attracts more attention than the Hooters girls. This is deemed inappropriate by the Turbobuickers.

b) and c) These are t-shirts which inexplicably feature buttons partway, so are unacceptable to go with the athletic (?!) shorts "Robin" purchased. No one apparently makes tiny shorts designed for cooking or reading a book.

d) These oddly fit both Cruella and "Robin," which is good provided he does not discover that "Diosos Mixtecos" means "Mixtec Gods" and condemns them as "satanic" or "idolatrous."

e) These weren't acceptable to begin with.

Mexico Pictures!

O! O! This is where I ate Grasshoppers in Oaxaca.




I'm holding a baby sea turtle, which does not like that.




Here I am drinking something called a >>Coco Loco<< on the Pacific Ocean.




Look! on this mountain there is SNOW. This could be Pocopa0 that thing, I can't spell it, and there is my Dad and our rental car.



Here is a picture of the plants in the Botanical Garden, I thought it came out interestingly.


Here is a picture of <> in Toluca which used to be their market, but now is a botanical garden, and is a humanist view of man's struggle against evil. There is very little secular stained glass of note that I can think of. It was built in 1909 under the Porfiriato.




Y'all I had the best time EVER in Mexico and I will have to tell y'all all about it but in the meantime here are some pictures to keep y'all happy.