Sunday, August 28, 2005

The Truth About Why You Like Me

I had a wonderful thought I should share with everyone: When I look inside myself, I see Timeless Beauty and Endless Love.

Monday, August 22, 2005

In Which Trey's Friend Steve Shall NOT be Tempted to Visit Again.

Ed may appreciate this, it is a long story about Sheridan and I behaving badly.
But first the boring things: I have been fighting with Trey because he is irresponsible (quelle surprise!) and mainly because I cannot stand his one friend, this Jamie girl. I met her once and she was most reminiscent of a lamprey, which if you do not know what it is I will tell you, or you can look it up. It's a really horrid sort of fish which doesn't have jaws and instead has a round mouth with horrible circles of pointy teeth and what it does is latch onto other fish and suck their blood until they die. This girl has borrowed the lawnmower for several weeks now and also ran over the cord and has not replaced the cord, nor has she returned the lawnmower. Of course she hasn't- she doesn't have a car either, so not only does she borrow the lawnmower, but it has to be brought to her. O wait, I have an update on the lawnmower situation. The update is that now the lawnmower has "exploded' and I just had it repaired, which was not cheap- - - Jamie is going to have to pay for its replacement. Well, Trey does not know this, but I let "someone at work borrow" his digital camera until the lawnmower either returns or is paid for. Trey seems to think this is unfair. "You don't need the lawnmower all the time to have fun," is his argument. You can imagine how well that goes over with me. Oooh, I do not like Jamie. One useless screw up is more than enough without having to drag around a whole bunch of useless screw ups.
And here's another unexciting bit- I really shouldn't post this here because I don't think it's a good idea for other teachers to read this bit, and then read the next- (that's what you call a teaser, Alex) but I came up with a really good game for the students to talk about family members. The way it works is I have a form on the overhead with blanks the students are supposed to fill in, like My mother's name is ________ and My cousin's name is _____________ . Now the way this works is each student gets a card with a name written on it, like Rebecca Valette, and on the back of the card are two clues, like You are Marc Valette's mother and You are the Daughter of Francois Du Bois and they are supposed to figure out all the people they are related to from this. They enjoyed it and want to do it tomorrow.
Well, here's the bit about Sheridan- - - Sheridan was all upset because Guty (Julio's brother) was in a car accident this weekend and had to be helicoptered to Grady, although we did not know until later that he really wasn't that badly hurt- I suppose - but the driver of the car is brain dead and is waiting, more or less, to be taken off of life support. So Sheridan solved this in the usual way- which is to get stupid drunk with me- on Sunday night. She was also upset because her new boyfriend, who is a Dom and they get into the whole whips and chains thing- except he does it ALL the time - did not want her to come down and drink because he said she's a lush. Well, we all KNEW that, and really, it doesn't seem to have hurt her very much- but he got mad and beat her and left. Then she came down, and we drank a little gin and then started on the beer and I think because he had been around she was feeling, um, excited, so she thought she would show me some of the things that she had learnt. So this was like non-sexual sex- she sucked on my fingers, and then thought it would be a good idea if I played with her breasts. Why not? I thought. So I did, and discovered, I don't really know what to do with breasts, so I thought, let me do what I usually do with parts that I am interested in, and I started licking her breasts. This had gone on for a few minutes when Trey walked in the door with some friend Steve which he said he worked with. Trey was, to put it mildly, somewhat surprised. Rather than being ashamed or embarrassed, I thought it was hysterically funny- I still do- and laughed about it. Trey pretended to be amused but he had that look on his face that your mother got when you ran through the house with the baseball bat- put those things AWAY already. Both of us sat on the floor and shrieked with laughter, and Sheridan wanted EVERYONE to play with her breasts, so Trey did so somewhat gingerly, because she insisted, in the way you would touch a dead thing to see if it were still alive or not. "We're respectable people in real life!" I insisted to Steve, whom I don't think will be coming to visit us again, and if he does, I shan't allow it. I've never before walked into anyone's house for the first time and been forced to witness a middle aged drunk woman and a youngish gay schoolteacher messing with each other on the floor., and if he isn't disturbed by that, well, he ought to be.
A couple of days after this (Tuesday) Trey asked me if I liked Steve. What do you mean, do I like him, I asked. In what way? Well, says Trey, I was lying when I said that he worked with me, because he's really homeless. Good, I said, then he shan't want to come live here, and if he does, I'll buy some vodka and bring Sheridan down again. He's a Hare Krishna, said Trey- not in the way I would have said it- which would have been in the way you make reference to something revolting- but proudly, as though this were some sort of accomplishment. O no, I said. Absolutely not, I am not having any homeless Hare Krishnas living over here. Trey was oblivious to this. They chant, he said. That's what I need in my life. I said. I need you to find someone dumber and more useless than yourself and keep them as a pet. And I do not want anyone chanting any Hare Krishna, or chanting anything, unless it is How Great Is Alan, we shall Obey his Every Command.
Perhaps I should start a cult and brainwash people but that hasn't worked out very well with Trey, and believe me, there isn't a whole lot to wash. And those kinds of things always seem to end up as suicides, and that's not what I really want, I want to live to a ripe old age and hit people with my walker and get away with it and have minions. Hmm.

Sunday, August 21, 2005


Freddy and Sheridan

Cabin

Julio

Saturday, August 20, 2005


Laurel

Paulinos

Heather

Lily

I was having a long discussion with Sandy on the telephone about why she was mad with Daniel this time and then I thought of something that would be a good business idea. This is not quite as good as Ed's business ideas that he posted recently, but I still think it is a good idea.
I think I should start a Time-of-the-Month salon/spa for women. There is a real need for this, I think; you could have a spa, with massages, and facials and body toning and people to smear goo on you in various places and body waxing and what not, and a hair salon, and chocolate and tea and codeine and play "The Joy Luck Club" on continuous loop, and you could have a special Throwing room where women could throw cheap plates at the wall, and you could have a special room with Jacuzzi bathtubs and a special room where women could scream at men who would stand in for their husbands. These would have to be men who were used to taking lots of abuse, like retired umpires or referees. You could serve those dinky finger foods, or tapas, and have fake weddings so the women could cry a lot. (I wonder if I'm going to cry at Saniel's wedding. The last wedding I went to- many, many years ago- I wept uncontrollably. I was so embarrassed.) You would have to play Sheryl Crow all the time, too, or any of that kind of earnest music played by lesbians who have learnt three chords on the guitar. You could serve girly drinks, like Kamikazes or Mimosas and wine coolers, and you could organise Competitive Shopping Trips to a local sponsor, like Saks or Bloomingdale's. Hats would be involved, I think, and the interior would be decorated in soft pastels, and the air would smell like gardenia and tuberoses. A good many of the attendants would be large, Mother Earth/Brunnhilde type women. You could call it Lily.
Actually, I think this idea is worth investigating further; I will have to ask some other women what it is they would like in one of these salons.

Sunday, August 14, 2005

Avoiding Lesson Plans

Right now I'm avoiding making lesson plans- I should be doing that now but I don't feel like it. Also I have a lot to talk about.
The first thing I would like to mention is that you know how you have one friend who is sort of manipulative and demanding and needy at the same time and par consequent you really don't care for this person all that much- like you've known this person for a long time, but you don't really KNOW them all that well. You're not really open and sharing with them. But out of the goodness of your wizened little heart, or the need to rack up karma points in case you really MIGHT go to hell for all those things the Bible thumpers are carrying on about- you accompany this person to the same boring stuffy Decatur bar that they like to go to for no perceptible reason when they ask- and then when you invite them to your dinner party, they don't come. And you are mildly miffed about this, even though you don't particularly like this person. And your partner absolutely hates them. . I suppose the point is that even though we don't like someone, if we invite them, we are unhappy when they do not come.
Oooo, I have to talk about Alex. He is in need of an intervention AGAIN. What happened was Sandy hooked him up with this chick she works with, Sara. Now those of you who know Sandy know that Sandy doesn't really like other people, particularly women, and so she is very picky about whom she approves of. Sometimes she'll point to people she doesn't know (this is NOT an exaggeration) in the mall and say I don't like those people, they look boring. So for Sandy to have approved of her is - well, nothing short of amazing. Also keep in mind that women are not exactly throwing themselves at Alex's feet on account of he is a shaved ape robot. Alex and Sara went on one date, and he required extreme intervention to call her again, and then they went on half a date, because she took him to a friend's wedding- and then- apparently alcohol was involved- she "kept telling me that she had made some mistakes in the past." Alex did not realise this was an obvious cue- "since she kept saying it, finally I asked, what kind of mistakes." Brilliant prediction: Alex is not ever going to open a salon to rival Mme de Stael's. Alex was horrified to discover that she had had SEX! Previously! With GUYS! He was so horrified he was playing his leg like a harp- if you would like, ask me and I can demonstrate this in person for you. Apparently, she had had sex in college, and with MORE THAN ONE PERSON- but not in the same night. Julio and I decided, in the summer of my singlehood, that I would be a ho if I had sex with more than one guy in the same night. Sshe apparently mentioned something about she was going with one guy, and then cheated on him with another guy, and you would all have paid good money to witness Alex's utter astonishment that she seemed to be BRAGGING about it. He was at least as shocked as you would have been to find out, a la Funky Cold Medina, that she was a man. Keep in mind Alex is 24.
Now my response was the usual, which is to say derisive, and I tried to explain to Alex that people commonly call sowing their wild oats "mistakes" even though that isn't what they really mean by them. A Mistake was, for example, the time I tore up the door on the Calais, because I would NOT want to do it again. Driving around with Julie in February in the convertible and sleeping with different guys was not a Mistake because I thoroughly enjoyed it although I might not necessarily need to do it again at this stage in my life. I know why she was bragging about it because as far as I can tell women are just as liberated (read: horndogs) as men are; gay men can't be buying ALL those dildoes, they have boyfriends for that. So why shouldn't she be happy she got some in college? From what I can tell she was telling Alex that she had fun in college and is now ready to settle down with a nice guy (it would seem him, because otherwise she wouldn't be telling him that).
Alex conferred with Jen on this subject, which is like asking me for advice on sports betting or how to be more butch. Jen is the last person to ask for advice on dating, having narrowly escaped getting involved in some Laci Peterson style fiasco. Seriously, you could ask the Dallases for fashion/beauty tips or Freomi for financial advice first, or Trey for career advice first. Jen told him that girls don't like guys with less experience - -she must have run down the batteries I bought her for her birthday- and then do you know what Alex did? HE CALLED SARA UP AND TOLD HER THIS! Which is basically saying, in fancier language, that she is a ho.
Oooo! I was MAD, because it would be nice to see someone carry on the genes in our family, even if their children will probably be twitchy and strange. I want to babysit the children so I can teach them things like No more Wire Hangers EVER! and how to appreciate Eurythmics, and drink tea, and all the lines in Baby Jane, since Alejandro has gotten somewhat old for those things.
And I don't think, as Freomi were hypothesising, that this is because he doesn't like her. As far as I can tell, he does; I just think that where normal guys stash the porn, he has a stack of now-obscure Victorian novels in which women are ruined by holding hands with their uncle in public or something. All of us roundly criticised him, so we made him apologise, which he did not want to do because according to him, "you have to treat girls mean." That may work for someone who can more convincingly cut a bad-boy figure but Alex has a hard time working himself up to mild-mannered. He's an ACCOUNTANT, for God's sake. Where did he get this idea, I wanted to know. From Brandon, he said. So he's taking relationship advice from Jen, directly, and Brandon, by example - - - we should shut the curtain on this sordid little perversion of morals.
But not before we point out that he steadfastly declined to follow my example. You and Trey fight all the time, he said, about stupid stuff. Actually, I don't think we fight very much, and we don't fight about stupid things, as he claims; we fight about things like why doesn't Trey come home some nights. Well, that's what married couples DO for the most part. They can be blissfully happy and still bicker; if we weren't blissfully happy, Trey would have been out on his shapely rump ages ago. Perhaps deep down inside Alex's little moralising heart, he believes we CANNOT possibly be happy.
At any rate, he went with Sara and Saniel - I think he should have supervised dates with her until he learns how to do it- to the baseball match today and I told him to take her flowers and be nice. I hope he does.

Sunday, August 07, 2005


Lavarus Essay 1

Lavarus Essay 2

Thanksgiving

Angleterre 2

Angleterre 1

Meat Buttons were revealed and probed.

Trasmine moved to a new apartment, on Peachtree just above Baraonda, and we went to go see it on Saturday. Daniel thought that since he was in a high-rise type building it would be a good idea to yell "sheboygan" out of the window at people in the street. keep in mind he was the oldest out of the people present and also the most educated. Their apartment is really nice if you absolutely insist on living in Midtown, but I really don't see what the appeal is. There really isn't THAT much within walking distance, especially now Backstreet is gone- once you've gone to Baraonda a few times there isn't much else there, and I don't think they go to the Fox much. Perhaps they're really superheroes and have to respond to the Trasmine signal faster or something. They also had a friend who- - - someone is going to resent this- reminded me of the off-brand version of Sailor Moon. Just in terms of appearance. Let me also point out that their apartment is like half the size of my house- which is fine I suppose, most people probably don't have this compulstion to hold on to old junk that makes me want so much space-, and everything is white, and they have a white couch which they should have asked me about before purchasing. White couches are for people who never actually sit on the furniture, or people like Joan who have armies of maids- armaidas. Ha!
Joe broke one of their shelves after which he was then mercilessly mocked by Daniel.
Meat Buttons were revealed and probed.
I wanted to write something else, but I'm going to let Ed hear a version of it first and then publish it if he doesn't want to use it.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Alpharetta, here I come!

I'm really excited about going to Alpharetta on Monday, and the Invention Essay may give you some indication of WHY. It will be really nice to teach at a school where the students can read and write. Some people are going to take issue with this, and say why did you become an educator if you did not want to educate. I spit on those people! Pah! Seriously, I will teach anyone anything but I can't teach you to read and write in SAT class. That doesn't work. See if you don't get a headache from reading this.
Well, in other news, we went to a party a couple of weekends ago with Karen's son Chris (!) who is a jerk- to put it politely- and an expulsory orifice not exposed in public to put it not so politely. I was hugely impressed by the fact that this party was at someone's house and there must have been at least 300 people there; I estimated based on counting the number of people on the deck and then considering that there were equal numbers of people in the living room, dining room, basement, bedrooms, and carport, and a lot of people were coming and going. Also no one got extremely drunk (except for the aforementioned Chris) and acted stupid, which surprised me; when I had parties with my college age friends they could always be counted on to get very drunk and act silly, especially me. Well, I didn't drink anything, because they didn't have anything but Icehouse and PBR to drink, and all the people there were like 20 or 21, and nice, but- very young. Chris DID get drunk, or drunkER, and then wanted to fight people (as usual) and I thought we should go home. Trey agreed, but then when we got to the car Trey says, the Party's just starting! No, it wasn't, it was two in the morning and time to take Chris home before he annoyed anyone further. Chris then wanted to stay, but I coaxed them both into the car, and then on the way home Trey kept pointing out bars and other places they could go, and thought they should go then. No, that would not have been a good idea. We also had a nice dinner party at home last week; several people came, like my Mom, Dad, Alex, Ian, Trasmine, Freomi, Sandy, and Pam and Bob. Daniel was having some kind of fit, possibly related to the fact that I cook better than he does and he knows it. We had salad, duck with Chicken liver pear and candied orange stuffing, cauliflower broccoli flan, polenta with bacon wrapped shrimp, cheese tortellini, and peach cobbler and Pam and Bob brought a cheesecake. Sandy also told the neighbour where to step off and we discovered, hitherto unknown to us, that you can park in front of their house as long as you do not block their driveway . Heh heh. I wanted to invite Rob and his boyfriend but Trey said if I invited Rob, he would ask him all the explicit details of our sex last summer in front of my mom and dad so I thought that might be a less than stellar idea.
O and the difference between men and women- summed up- one weekend Cathy called me and wanted to go to Lake Burton. Fine, I said, I wasn't really doing anything else. So we get in her car and drive all the way up to Lake Burton, and Cathy is hungry. We look for a place to eat on the lake. The first place we see is a pizza place, and to me it looks nice, andthere are many cars in the lot which is a good sign. But Cathy wants to eat ON the lake, or so she says. So we look some more and stop at some bar-food type place called Joni's but it is hot and rather expensive. So we look for the restaurant Cathy was thinking of, but that has burnt down, according to the owners of a Texaco. I suggest the original pizza place. What do you think Cathy does? She makes a moue of disgust and says- quite seriously- I don't want to eat in a YELLOW building.
I suppose I really don't need to point out that no man- on earth- would EVER utter that particular sentence.
We also got frogs, from Freomi's house, and they are very cute and sit in a little tank in the kitchen. I had not previously considered this deeply, but people pay good money for frogs! They had them for sale at PetSmart, where the same sort of frogs we got cost $20.00. EACH. And Naomi wanted to give them away for FREE. (She does not like frogs.) The only problem with the frogs is that they have to be fed crickets, and now I am paying good money for bugs, which everyone knows we have in abundance around the house. It's hard, however, to catch the roaches without smashing them, and the frogs won't eat things that don't move.
We also went to some restaurant for Naomi's birthday called Chow Baby. It's somewhat peculiar- it's something like a salad bar, but instead of just salad, you pick a starch, like noodles or rice, and then pick vegetables, sauces, a meat, seasonings, and then they stir-fry it for you and bring it to your table. I had a few issues with this concept because I did not know what would taste nice together or how much to use- how do I know whether Asian Pesto goes with Hoisin Ginger? So mine was not very nice; I made two things and they were both too salty but it's an interesting concept.
We have also had refrigerator drama- I was going to say we have had all manner of refrigerator drama, but there isn't really any variation on refrigerator drama. Either it works, or it doesn't. Well, ours stopped working, and so this caused my mom to get all upset and worked up. I tried to buy a new one, which I did not want to do, since when Freddy returns from vacation he can repair it. I can live with a broken refrigerator; however, she cannot live with the thought of my refrigerator being broken. I think Trey's Zen has rubbed off on me. Zen being used in this instance for shorthand for forgot to give a care. Anyway, so I got dragged into buying a new one, which cost 538 including delivery, and then they tried to bring it but didn't want to bring it around the side of the house and so abandoned the project and left me with the old refrigerator, and I promptly called someone and they came and sort of repaired it, which cost 224. It still isn't getting as cold as I think it should. This resulted in a long argument with Ma (what doesn't?) She seemed to think, for some reason, a broken refrigerator is some sort of insurmountable crisis and that no one could fix it and that it was a huge tragedy or something. She seemed to think if they could not deliver the refrigerator through the back door, the thing to do would be to put the refrigerator in the living room. That is daft; would you put a toilet in your living room? She would. Then she got mad because I got all sarcastic with her when she went on and on about retrieving the food from Alex's fridge, and she made some comment about how "these sort of things only happen to you," so I said, do you mean that because of my depravity and or stupidity the refrigerator took umbrage (that's a big word, Alex, look it up) and decided to cease functioning? What do you mean? So she didn't understand why I was talking nonsense (!) . . . .

Invention Essay

Invention Essay