Why Don't You Go Date Some Nice White Guy?

Well, Sandi asked me this - the other day, at the most recent. Alex rather implied it.

Well, I didn't say I wouldn't, ok? But around my age, the white guys I tend to attract are gross. As in Simpsons comic-book guy looking. They are all huge with ugly spectacles and beards.

One dude hit on me a couple of weeks ago who weighed 340 lbs and had: A FIFTY-SIX INCH WAIST. Seriously. ONE MORE TIME: A FIFTY-SIX INCH WAIST.

Now I am willing to compromise but honestly, I have standards. Shut up, Sandi & Alex.

Also there's the whole- like last night. have you heard the expression, swatting a fly with a sledgehammer? This was like swatting a fly with a toothpick. Ima have to put up a sign, you must be at least this big to ride this ride. I don't like [that one thing] because then you have to look them in the face, and I never know what face to make. I apparently don't watch enough porn. Ask me for a demonstration of the faces I DO make. It is kinda sad.

I'm not being slutty, I'm PRACTICING. I am never going to achieve Excellence without Hard Work, or working on something Hard.

And do y'all remember how the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints used to put out public service announcements, like don't cheat in school? We need some, like:

If you want me to lick it, then get rid of the hair on/around it. It's gross. I am not a cat.
and:
Stop smelling musty next to me in class. Try to smell more Hispanic. They always smell nice and clean like soap
and
There is no such thing as a little patchouli. The stuff stinks. Stop it.

I thought I would entertain y'all with a Match the Professor with Halloween Candy giving out style- quiz. Fill in the blanks, and you might win a prize! (hee)

______________: Not so much the manner, as the types of candies: "Hello Kitty," "Eager Beaver," "Bug in a Rug."

_______________: demands children prove they are who they are costumed to be, and asks them, if you were, for example, carrying a dagger instead of a cutlass, would you still be a pirate?

______________: points out that when she lived on a farm in Buffalo, they had horehound candies which they did NOT buy on credit.

_______________: makes children point to section of Tax Code allowing a corporation to distribute assets without recognition of gain to recipients. Demands that they characterise whether it's a dividend or not and adjust basis accordingly. Then turns into a bat.

________________: makes them watch videos about model trick-or-treating, write an essay, and then gives them sticky mints picked up from the Burge luncheon.

________________: Frightens children with accent via voice synthesiser stuck on shop demonstration.

________________: frightens children with clothes of the zombie look.

________________: dresses like a small-time bigot pig farmer in response to trick or treaters.

________________: mumbles to self about whether the U.S. Supreme Court could have decided this is constitutionally protected under Freedom of Religion.

________________: demands of trespassers if they are invitee or licensee, then eats all the candy, saying, "No, no, I don't think so, you can't have any, that was not the right answer. mmm! It's tortlicious."

________________: only gives "candy" to the older teenagers with no costumes. Wears transparent dresses to answer the door. Guess what's the "treat."

Joke

So y'all I went to the Alpharetta High Homecoming, because they had something for the dearly departed teachers-

And I was hoping that I would see some of my former students, and then I could tell them a joke, as in, Did y'all think I was dead? I'm still ALIVE, just not here anymore. Did you think someone came up to me and mugged me for my French, as in, I have a gun, give me all your French or I'll shoot you, and then I didn't and they shot me and I died?

Well, I think it's funny.

O and I have another joke, which is, here's the punch line, elle ressemble a un- comment dit-on "backhoe" en Francais?

I haven't been really able to figure out what to do for Halloween. I thought I should be something from Regretsy, for example, a yarny vagina.

MTM did not like this idea.

Don't do anything too weird, she says.

Really. Now y'all know I LIVE for Too Weird. This deeply irked me because you would think after this long, she would have accepted me as her friend, right? or what?

So I said well I wanted to do something cheap and easy (yes I could go as That Girl, that would be weird, or myself, hee) and since I got talked into hosting the party, I need something that I can move round in easily. To pick That Girl up out of the basement.

Why don't you dress up as a cowboy, suggested MTM. I have a hat you can borrow.

I will let the lameness of this idea sink in for y'all. Really? a Cowboy?

It has to be witty, I said, trying to think of how to be nice about this.

You don't always have to be witty, she said.

No. I do too have to always be witty, otherwise I will turn into Alex and - did I tell you the other day at dinner he was expounding on the many uses of 9 in accounting? At length? After I said I was thinking about going as that chap who hijacked the airliner with the juice can with the little lights? Alex gave us a whole list of how 9 is used in accounting.

Fine, next time I'll MAKE UP SOMETHING ABOUT HIM, and see if y'all believe it. He did too do this.

Even Dad thought the cowboy thing was lame, and said exactly such, so there.

I did come up with an outfit but you'll have to come if you want to see it.

O and here's an exchange I need to have:
me complaining: I want to lie on the floor and shriek like Maria Callas
respondent: You wanted to be a lawyer
Me thinking: you wanted to be a fuckwit and have clearly achieved that goal.

Halloween!

Cruella, what are you going to do for Halloween?

Well, I wasn't actually going to do ANYTHING- that should tell you how stressed I am because Y'all know any chance I get to dress up and act the fool- meaning- get drunk and yell at children, and sing, etc., I love beyond anything ever. But I am just all stressed, so I wasn't going to do anything, and then Julio talked me into having a party. Besides, I really want to see "Robin," and probably- definitely- shan't have another chance until God knows when. (Note to "Robin:" That is NOT blasphemous. 'Cos I had told him, well, I would be coming between finals and Bar prep, thinking, Bar prep won't start until January, and then I discovered:

There is no Between Finals and Bar Prep; Bar Prep starts 21st Dec and last day of finals is 16th December. And I'm likely to extend my period of intolerability from oh, let's say NOW until I find a job in Nevember.

Wait, Cruella, what's going on with you looking for a job?

Hi! I have 17 hours! I- have decided there's no point in looking for a job if you either A) die beforehand, and I was thinking, but law school never actually killed anyone, and then I remembered that student got run over by a car and died, and also people have heart attacks and you know that one professor, she may not be dead, but - there might be worse things? and B) if I don't graduate and pass the bar, the whole job thing? Not happening. So, I've rather focused my attentions on the whole not-dying-from-business-tax thing. BTW, I love it when the Code says the OPPOSITE of what it means.

But you have time, Cruella, to -

Shut up. Y'all know I'm on the Cruella diet, right? Gotta have that third C.

Cruella, what are you going to dress as for Halloween? Are you going to reuse one of your fabulously witty costumes, like the Thrift Store or the Masque of the Red Death?

Hmmm. Since I am hosting the party, I have to do more than just be decorative and useless (remember how THAT worked out last year?) and so I need a costume that reflects A) my current interests and B) I can host a party in. Also "Robin" made me promise not to drink if he comes. (This could be a Good Thing.)

It would be very hard to dress up as a Small Block Chevy Twin Turbo Kit. It might be hard to dress as a Text From Last Night- Plan B pill, a bottle of vodka, and puke? (I could end up that way though, but you-know-who is probably not coming in the interest of her good behaviour) so I was thinking about dressing up as a Thing from Regretsy, Like a Yarny Vagina. I could just get an enormous electric torch and wave it around and declare that I'm a Shining Light, as in the Annie Lennox song, or I could think of something else witty.

What about "Robin?"

I really don't know whether he is coming or not. If he does, he will probably want me to wear something skimpy, like he was saying I should be a ballerina (No More I Love You's?)- but I want to be WARM, dammit. That's what I think! It's always cold on Halloween. I was thinking of Baby Jane in the interest of scaring the neighbourhood children, but no one will give me a dead rat.

Cruella, what are you making for Halloween?

Wait, do you mean what do I WANT to make or what will I ACTUALLY make?

I WANT to make punch, of which I can have none, (boo "Robin"), and I will probably make Jell-O shots, and then y'all do realise that I have incredible amounts of school? So Ideally I will make gougeres filled with ham mousse, and something with all that smoked salmon I bought, probably those lollipops (shut up Alex), rumaki is kinda a tradition and easy, those Jalapeno poppers that come from Sam's and maybe? Chicken wings, but the bones are a nuisance, and chocolate Mousse in dixie cups. Maybe ALCOHOLIC Chocolate mousse? Or Chocolate Mousse parfaits that are alcoholic, mmm!

What probably will happen is that I'll have class (seriously! Halloween should be a holiday, especially the day after) and then I'll wind up with those frozen meatballs which are kinda not that great and then serve them with barbecue sauce out of the Crock-pot. Then we'll have drinks.

Ironies

Y'all I had some fun ironies to share with y'all out of my email. Such as:

Kaplan Eenglish teacher needed,

and the invitation from Georgia State to attend the president's Investiture ceremony coupled with the announcement there will be no parking that day- so wait, how am I supposed to come then? How exactly is it an invitation, if there isn't going to be parking?

Y'all know I'm too pretty to ride Marta, and I smell too nice.

Anyhow, message to all the people who are chirpy and productive, and all like, ooo, I had a productive weekend and finished all five of my outlines: I hate you. I REALLY hate you. I HATE HATE HATE HATE you.

And I am STILL battling that stupid insurance company about the Cadillac. I just want it fixed. Now it is visiting the Grouchy African, who has NOT yet given me an estimate.

Then the office that I work at had a long weekend, and I am busy imagining what my supervisor did this weekend. I am thinking, he had a road trip with his college buddies and they went to Charleston for a pie-eating contest. No, I am actually thinking of things involving stupendous quantities of feathers. Like a carful of feathers, at least, and a party bus and corn syrup.

Y'all just don't believe how stressed out I have been, but I have been so stressed I haven't had time or energy to think up new plots to Intentionally Inflict Emotional Distress on Alex. Now you know things are bad when I don't have any interest in tormenting him. Even though he is going to Portsmouth and so that would be a perfect opportunity.

I guess he still hasn't found those (things that I put in his house), or maybe he just hasn't noticed? He didn't mention them - - -

Now y'all also know that Alex is looking for a job, and so he finally had to go suit shopping. Y'all will notice also that Alex has been dressing- well, sort of better, for the most part, he still makes some odd choices (yah Cruella! Like you're one to talk about odd choices!) No, I mean the kind of odd choices that it's hard to see exactly who they would be attractive on. Alex I think is very much in touch with his Inner Lesbian, and by that I mean the kind of Lesbian who looks like Construction Equipment. You know the kind when you go to their house you expect to see framed family pictures of backhoes and tractors.

To hear him tell the story, you would think I dragged him all over Atlanta for like 18 days comparison shopping something pointless like shower curtain hooks or something.

No. We went to a K & G, the one off of 78, (right next to the BEST FABRIC STORE EVER) Alex noisily refused to visit the Fabric Store. He thinks fabric stores are boring, but is going to South Carolina this weekend to sit in the rain and watch two teams he's never heard of play American football. Thus far I have not done anything sufficiently bad this year to justify this kind of punishment. Not even "Robin" would think I have been THAT bad.

But these were suits for HIM, so you would think he would have a stake in the matter. and I wanted him to get good value for his money. K & G had a special, 2 for 150, but we (I) didn't like their selection and didn't want him to pay $130 for one suit, so I made him go to another K & G. Also apparently Amber was concerned that I might recommend he purchase some sort of suit made out of purple fur.

No, I would wear a suit made out of purple fur, at least I would think about it, but I wouldn't insist that he buy one.

Don't you want to look nice, I asked him? This took Alex more thought than one would expect.

I hope that he does not wear shoes that Ma found in the garbage with this suit.
I'm also thinking that he will have to counteract this by actually buying the pig-farmer overalls and wearing them. I have some mixed feelings about this.

I did torment him a little by telling him I had to wash my hair Thursday night.
At first he didn't realise why I was telling him this. Did you get something in it? He asked, and then he realised what he said, and he complained bitterly, Aaagh, why did you tell me this, he said.

Now you know what? I have a good idea, which is, why don't I make homework into a sex game? Every time I learn a code section, I can lick (person)'s nipples, or something. Maybe, for business tax, as I'm reading the code, pick out key words and concepts. If it's a nonrecognition section, nibble ears. If the Code mentions gain, lick the right nipple, if it mentions loss, lick the left nipple. If the Code mentions transfer of property, tongue kiss.

Etc.

You could also make it a drinking game, or if you are a serious alcoholic, make Wills Trusts and Estates a drinking game where every time the UPC mentions "testator" you do a shot.