The Unibrow Whore

I could tell y'all about my first week of law school? But although it's personally thrilling for me, I don't think I can make it interesting for y'all, except for two things:

I did a good deed, which was that one of my classes was changing, and the book of the girl who was sitting next to me vanished, and I FOUND IT. YES. I tracked it down by asking the chap who had just vacated the seat. He had - - DA DUH DUHHH! Taken the book and put it in his locker. So, I'm like Superman and singlehandedly stop crimes.

Bet you'd never thought I'd liken myself to Superman.

Ha! Perhaps once Alex gets his C.P.A. then we can be like superheroes, only actually, I don't have to be boring like I had previously thought. Alex can be boring. Perhaps, even better, I can be an Action-Transvestite-Superhero Tax Lawyer. I can defeat crime with pointy heels and a murse and well reasoned legal arguments. Does that thought not excite you? Do you not want to see me poke holes in opposing counsel with my brilliant legal mind and stiletto boots?

Of course you do.

Anyway, we were going somewhere last night- which I will tell you about later but y'all are more interested in hearing about Unibrow Whore- and Trey is inventorying the contents of his murse, which is an adorable little lunchbox-type thing. But smaller. So think lunchbox crossed with Evening bag.

What does Trey have in his murse?

I have cigarettes, he says proudly, I have my wallet= = = have some change - - - I have Altoids - - I have a frog (he did indeed have a plastic toy frog in his murse) - - - and a golf ball.

Now what I want to know is how can you not just adore a man who carries a toy frog and a golf ball in his murse. It is hard to stay angry at someone like that.

So about Unibrow Whore- There's this whore, in the neighbourhood, and her distinguishing feature is this- UNIBROW, which as far as I have heard is not a common enough fetish to warrant a magazine.

Assignment for the week: Research "Unibrow Fetish" and get back to me.

She has of course bleach blonde hair, which is not bad for a whore, and then these huge beetly black eyebrows that meet in the middle, so the effect is quite strange. And her face is Edward G. Robinsonesque, not to speak ill of the dead though. And I saw her leaving the neighbourhood at 8 in the morning and I'm like, she must be putting in some serious overtime! Could it be on account of her unibrow? Is there such a fetish?

There was Frida Kahlo, so - - - .

I suppose it's like her trademark, like Tammy Faye's eyelashes, and not to speak ill of the dead but when you start drawing parallels there you just can't stop. "Ill-considered and horrifying" are just two of the words that come to mind.

At any rate, I have composed some SONGS! Really! That you can- no y'all. You Must. It is incumbent upon you to sing along to in honour of Unibrow Whore. (wouldn't that make a good name of a band? We're going to see The Unibrow Whore at the Tabernacle)

There was a whore who had a unibrow.
E-I-E-I-O
With a blow job here and a crack pipe there
Unibrow, unibrow, everywhere
There was a whore who had a unibrow.
E-I-E-I-O

'Twas morning, and the Unibrow Whore
Did ply her trade on Alston Drive
All cracked out, was the one-browed whore,
But how she could fellate.

Do you know the unibrow whore, the unibrow whore, the Unibrow whore
Do you know the unibrow whore, who works on Alston Drive?

Twinkle Twinkle little whore,
How I wonder what's your score
Working on the streets all night
Flaunting your unibrow in daylight
Twinkle twinkle little whore
How I wonder what's your score.

I. Am. Too. Young. For. All. Of. My. Landmarks. To. Disappear

I know y'all want to hear all about the Dominican Republic but I will just sum it up by saying A) it was exquisite B) Delta SUCKS, next time we're driving to Charlotte or Birmingham to fly some other airline- they made me take my luggage in BOXES and I am really- do you know how I said I have no sense of shame? Well, I ALMOST did. C) Do you know how, in the Atlanta airport, there are museum type displays of what you cannot bring back into the country? Like python skins, and turtles? So I was showing Trey the display of Traditional Chinese Medical Articles you cannot bring back into the country? And there were several bottles with a cobra and scorpion inside, pickled in alcohol? And what do you think Trey asks? Three guesses and I'll tell you at the end of the less interesting story.

O and cheers to Sara for commenting on my blog, because that is the only way that I know people are reading it and like it. You REALLY don't want me to write about what I'm learning in law school. So comment, because I have some Totally Inappropriate Questions for y'all that y'all will like.

So- I am feeling all at sixes and sevens, because all of the landmarks of my youth are disappearing-

Let me explain what this means. In your youth, in your childhood, there are certain things, objects, people, that you mean to achieve or that you set as sort of guiding lights, right? Think about it. There are things that become embedded for you that you set your compass by-

Part of it is a little bit of me; I always wanted to be either a French teacher or Lee Iacocca, and Lee Iacocca having become out of reach, I decided to be a French teacher, which didn't work out. I suppose there's an inherent failure in that vision itself- but we didn't have a vast panoply of role models growing up to choose from. Honestly, the most powerful people I had in my field of vision were: teachers and Lee Iacocca, and the most beautiful thing I could imagine was French, and then as far as I could tell Lee Iacocca didn't (doesn't) speak French so - - -

And now I'm having to move away from that to something I'm - trying to be sure of, and doing well with being sure of, but it's still a drastic change. I didn't know any lawyers growing up so this is a completely new field of reference, and as I say, all the landmarks have changed.

Now the other thing: I am absolutely obsessed with automobiles; you may have noticed, hence the whole Lee Iacocca thing. Hence the Grand National, hence the fact that I'm somewhat knowledgeable about cars that most people haven't ever heard of.

But those landmarks are disappearing, rapidly.

Let me be the first to say that the cars of the '80's, the 600s and Cutlasses and Centurys and Custom Cruiser wagons and Cadillac Broughams- - - were not in Consumer Reports kind of ways better than the cars of today. A Camry today is much more reliable, less rattly, larger, more powerful, etc. than the Camry of my youth.

But I didn't care for the Camry of my youth, (who really did) and I don't care for the Camry of today.

And that's all that we have today.

Automobiles have become soulless transportation appliances tricked up with incomprehensible technology no one understands, and less benefits from.

20 years ago, BMWs were famous for athletic ability; today, BMWs are famous for iDrive, a system nobody wants and doesn't enhance the driving process.

Buicks then were great cars, comfortable, luxurious in the boudoir-on-wheels paradigm. Oldsmobiles were like that, hugely powerful with whore's drawers pillow tufted interiors, beautifully finished. Find the Camry today with that personality, find the Camry today without the hard, cheap, scuffable plastic interior. My Buick has SOUL. Name for me the affordable car for today, and the future, with that kind of SOUL- itself an indefinable quality- but with the quality of materials and design that went into that Buick.

Those cars were works of art in a way that cars are no longer. There WAS a "special feel in an Oldsmobile." You would "really rather have a Buick."

I don't want keyless ignition in a car, I can start a car with a key.

I understand what Bluetooth is, and I can't understand why that's considered a desirable feature.

I can open a door myself; I don't need power sliding doors, I don't want television in my car; I don't WANT a fancy computer interface to change my radio station or change the climate control from "Hi" to "Lo", I can slide a switch.

I want a Riviera with the padded landau roof and the pillow tufted colour coded interior and the opera lamps with the R in script in the middle and a cushy ride and immense power.

I want a big, formal roofed, black Cadillac which projected power and stateliness in a way that no other car does anymore.

And all those things are gone.

Who is Lindsey Lohan? What has she DONE to warrant the gigabytes of data (I'm struggling here to be contemporary) devoted to her? What has she ever produced of note?

We did have - then- some celebrities who were distinctive for one reason or another. Name three celebrities of today- say, this current decade- who have really done something no one else has done before, in a way no one else has done before. Name one.

The fashions of this decade are- well, what are they? Crocs? Gardening Clogs under a different name? Back then we had Jellies, and Leg warmers, and fluorescent clothing and checks and big hair and what do we have now?

The last of the great trio- Thatcher, John Paul II ( correct me in the comments if I got the number wrong) and Reagan- is about to step off the stage- following the two others. Who do we have to compare to that?

Hell, we don't even have Sam Walton anymore.

So this loss of my landmarks- and from what I can tell, there's no one and nothing to replace them- remember, in 1986 the Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme was the best selling car in America. You could buy it in innumerable variations, from secretary special to Total Luxury Sport Automobile (it shall not be denigrated by calling it a vehicle) and today we have the - - Camcord- is deeply disturbing.

Y'all, there's a Brave New World out there, and it is soulless and definitely frightening. Is this the sun setting on the Anglo American Empire? I don't think I want to be the architect of it, but rather the architect of what Was.

I want to return a sense of Grandeur to American Industry. I want to return a sense of Grandeur to the American People.

I want Americans to understand that they have created something distinct and valuable in Opera Lamps and Formal Rooflines and the Pillow-Tufted Interior rather than slavishly following something Japanese, and don't get me started on how Bling currently expresses itself, in the form of Big Dumb Trucks.

No.

There is a particularly American form of Grace and Elegance that is allowed to expand Here, and only here, that needs to be taken hold of. The Swabians understand it, largely because the Swabians comprise so much of American Culture.

We're not a Bauhaus, Berliner Kultur. We're a Swabian, Gemutlichkeit Kultur, and we need to Embrace that.

Before all of my Landmarks, all that was worthy and Distinctly Anglo-Swabisch-American- disappears.

O! Now you have read to the end of the diatribe! So Trey asks; Is it alive?

Water Sports

So last week we did three intensely water involved things, but I've already forgotten one of them. One of them was I took the kids to White Water, (no now I remember, the third thing was we went to the Aquarium) but White Water was- well, EXPENSIVE. We paid with tax $30 each to get in, and then they charged parking (!?) on top of that, and I was fully prepared for ridiculously priced theme park concessions but Seriously! $9.00 for chicken fingers and fries? And we had to rent a locker for $20 on top of that. I did ride several of the water slides but we waited in the queue for Tornado, then I got a closer look at it and changed my mind. Also I refused to go on the ride that makes you slide straight down or close to it. It was fun, although to tell you the truth I much prefer Malibu Grand Prix. Once a year should suffice. At least we went on a weekday! I do not care to see what it would be like on the weekend, especially after having seen the aquarium.

And the second water related thing I did was drown some rats for a family member who is not myself. I have done this previously, for Freddy, who probably will not mind that I mention him in connection with rats but this other person does not want me to say anything. So I am, in a way, not. This particular family member has a small problem with rodents- and I am very much lying here, this particular family member has a very serious rodent problem- and so this particular family member catches them in one of those Hav-a-Heart type traps and then the problem is they are still alive and have to be, you know, not so alive. There isn't anywhere to release them- wait, I can think of several places- that I wouldn't get in trouble- so the last time the rat was fed D-con and died, but in the meantime while it is in the trap this particular family member wants to give it water because it is suffering.
But you can't do that, I told her. The D-Con works by dehydrating the rat to death.
But it's suffering and looks so thirsty, she says.
You can't work at cross-purposes like that, I point out.
She finally agrees to let me drown the rats. I'm having to beg other people to let me drown their rats. Something is wrong with this- - -
So I did.

And then Sunday we went to the Aquarium because a lady this particular Family Member works with got something called a Citipass which lets you see several attractions, including the aquarium for only $64, but neither of them were interested in seeing the aquarium.

Y'all, I did not know this, but they make you go through SECURITY at the aquarium! Which I did not like at all, and had I not had the free ticket, I would have turned around and gone elsewhere. They don't let you carry matches/lighters into the aquarium because- you're going to set the fish on fire? Or what exactly?

And it was seriously packed. There were just way too many fat people there. I did not go there to see fat people, I went there to look at the fish, which I did not see enough of. Overall, I was disappointed. I might have enjoyed it on a day when there were not so many fat people though, and then the Home Depot had unimaginatively ripped off Finding Nemo and made the orange fish into THEIR mascot, Deepo- Which was sad. I was thinking they should be more along the lines of Barracuda or Hammerhead shark- now that would make sense for Home Depot, the Hammerhead shark or the sawfish or the file fish- but no, it was pathetic.

And full of fat people.

O and next week? Like practically tomorrow? We are going to the Dominican Republic for 8 days and I am already thinking about all of the things I am going to drink while I am there. I already am going to drink Bahama Mamas and Mojitos and Sex on the Beach (you try to make that plural) and Daiquiris. And several other things, as soon as I discover them.