Wednesday, December 20, 2006

It's About Time

Most forms of discrimination in the United States are prohibited; you can't make jokes about people based on their sex, you can't make jokes about people because they are black, you can't make fun of people because they are handicapped. The world is almost no fun anymore.

But you can still mock people because they are old, fat, ugly, stupid, have bad taste, are crazy, or can't get any, and now here is proof that the Chinese are ready to become the world leaders of the 21st century; they now OFFICIALLY discriminate against these people. (at least 5 of the 7 categories.)

Yes! You cannot go to China and adopt a baby if you are old, fat, ugly, are depressed, or single. I think this is a step in the right direction, and all that needs to happen next is that people should have to score at least a 2200 on the SAT and have a really tastefully furnished house to adopt a child. If they own a Thomas Kinkaid painting, they should be shot.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

More Ask Cruella Dearest!

O Cruella Dearest;

How did you learn to cook so well? You know how to keep a man happy!

Bewildered in Buford

Dear Bewildered;

I learnt to cook because my mother is an abysmal cook. Her food is- well, let's just say it's the reason I have come to fear and loathe surprises. Trust me, you would too. Just to cite one example: instead of preparing tea the way normal human beings do, she begins with the same unwashed pot she uses every day. Then she dumps a handful of tea leaves into it and boils the tar out of the tea. Apparently she has ambitions for it to become coffee or something. Also, I know that at least once she made something called "carrot Cake" and she was slicing the carrots into large pieces the diameter of quarters and the thickness of a pencil eraser. "I want to TASTE the carrots." she explained. She puts yogurt in cakes. You can modify her honey with the adjective, "busy."

Anyway, this weekend Alex and Sara went to a restaurant called Nava, and we were discussing how we did not like foo-foo cuisine. This is a Buckhead Life restaurant and is all expensive and foo-foo (where does that term come from anyway?) as in they charge three times as much for a third as much food as, say, the Colonnade. And it is all strange food, like "organic pesto with mung bean reduction served over quinoa pasta and farcelets of free range lamb." And then it is very little food fancily arranged and usually these restaurants are dimly lit, so you have to take a lighter or an electric torch with you to read the menu, and loud so that you can ignore your dining companions. So I said I would rather have a Checkers' burger, because they have some really awesome burgers! And my mother said, o really, well, I think I will buy some and then maybe I will make them into a stew.

Yes, friends, she is planning on buying Checkers' burgers and making them into a stew. I'm really, really afraid. And that is how I learnt how to cook.

Out of fear. Out of desperation. Out of the need to eat things that had been conceived by a human being, anywhere, somewhere, instead of conceived by Satanic gnomes.

O Cruella Dearest;

How was that movie that you saw recently?

Which one, darling? I saw two movies recently, The Bridesmaid, which was ok- but I was too familiar with the story and it was late, so I was sleep. Senta wasn't really as ravishing as I had hoped, and she didn't have silver hair! Arrgh! Also I thought the guy should be more a sheltered, well meaning doofus, not Benoit who was less striking than in the Piano Teacher but still striking. Also Farewell My Concubine, which was excellent. Much better than expected. Brokeback Mountain was totally stolen from Farewell My Concubine. You know, I don't think that it's promoted the way it should be- the cover prominently features Gong Li and not the Concubine, who is played by a MAN. It is actually about a Chinese Opera- which is called Farewell my Concubine and two men who play a king and his concubine and fifty years of their playing together. It also features a lot of Chinese Opera, which sounds really stupid.

O Cruella Dearest;

Tell us about your transmission adventure.

Well, I thought my transmission was broken, because the car was acting just like it, and then it turned out not to be! I'm tired of writing now.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Make Sure All Your Body Parts Look the Same Age

So I'm in the hall today and here comes a vice principal (not the one I dislike, but one I don't have any particular feelings about either way.) and he tells Mrs X, well, this parent called and complained- she says you didn't have elections in your club this year.

Is this completely insane? or what? I would tell the parent to go soak their head- politely of course, saying that the administration does not interfere in such matters, but honestly! This is why this school is crazy. The administration meddles in really stupid things. They never tell the parents to go stick it. Which they should. As I told Laurie, what about all the students I DIDN'T kill? There are way many more of those!

I am delighted, by the way, because one student wrote a book about me called "Le Grand Vert Monstre" (it should have been Le Grand Monstre Vert) which means the Big Green Monster, and I am depicted as the titular big Green Monster. In it, I am evil and eat babies, because my evil ponytail tells me to do so.

Also I forgot to write this: Y'all, when y'all show up all like crippled and stuff, and you have to be wheeled around in a wheelchair and have this giant cast on and are generally pathetic because you hurt your leg- or like another teacher who had surgery and then returned to school THAT DAY- you make the rest of us look really bad when we're like, um, I have a bug? So I am not coming to school? Because that makes the standard for calling in something like, I have the bubonic plague! Blisters and all! Can't come in, took pics on my cell phone, see?
That is bad, so stop it. Your bids for sympathy are only partially effective.

In unrelated news: I went with Sheridan to go buy her a corset yesterday from a lady named Martha, who lives in Lilburn and was talking about how she had cosmetic surgery recently.

"I went to Costa Rica," she said, "because it's so much cheaper down there. I got $45,000 dollars worth of work done for 7 grand."

O really, and this whole time I thought you WANTED to look like Katherine Harris. And since y'all have probably only seen pictures of Katherine Harris online (if that) - - - let me tell you- in person, much, much scarier. I kind of wanted to poke her to see which parts of her felt real and which didn't, but then I didn't want to touch her either- - - ewww. I guess you get what you pay for, although American doctors can screw up too.

"I'm much older than I look," she told us. Well, which parts of you are much older than they look? Because- those parts of you that you think don't look old - look plenty old, they just now look fake in addition to looking old. If any of y'all ever get cosmetic surgery - - - wait, who reads this? Alex doesn't care what he looks like NOW- Ed looks fabulous and has hair that arouses my envy, besides, he probably never will be able to afford cosmetic surgery, not even in Costa Rica, and besides, it hasn't made a difference as far as I can tell-. I don't know if Rob still reads this but he doesn't seem likely to either. Sara might in the far distant future get cosmetic surgery, (note: this is not meant as an insult, ok? But you are, like, a girl and care about your appearance and stuff like that! And since someone has to be targeted for this useful advice, it might as well be you!) so my advice on that front: For Sara: Make sure that they make all your body parts look the SAME AGE.

Also don't buy those Harry and David boxes, they aren't very good and are very expensive. (If you ask, I'll tell you how I know) I somehow fail to be impressed by a box containing a pear. Wait, that's not true. I was actually impressed by the pear-in-a-box, and opened the box, and took the pear out, and then I put the pear back in, and then I opened it and took the pear out. Then I put it back in again. Then I knew what it was like to be Alex, but I realised that I could have had the same experience for much less than $40. Do you know how many pears I can buy at Sam's for $40? A lot. Also the candies that were inside the box? Some sort of Chocolate covered cherries? Tasted just like Bubble yum. Not the sort of gift I want to give.

Monday, December 11, 2006

a Fabulous Christmas Gift

Y'all, this is the gift every man alive wants. And even some dead men.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Y'all have to go see this movie!

I don't often go see movies in the cinema because of several things; I like to drink beer and mess with Trey and make him go Mmmmmaaahh! I'm trying to watch the movie! while watching movies and those are just not good things to do in a cinema. So we do them at home. Also don't you think the movie watching experience is enhanced by snuggling with a shirtless hunk? I know so! Try it and see! (but not with Trey)

The other two reasons we don't go to movies in the cinema very often is the cost- for two people $16? I can get a bottle of gin for only a little more than that! Or a bucket of chicken and a rental movie. and also there are very few new movies that I want to see badly enough to leave the house. Normally, for me to leave the house I have to get paid. I think the last cinema movie we saw was "Brokeback Mountain." The third reason is that most newer movies suck. I'm going to pay $16+, fight traffic, struggle for parking, and listen to people take inane phone calls in the film or shriek at each other to see moving cinematic masterpieces such as, um, "Deck the Halls?" Or "Santa Clause III". No, thank you.

But y'all have to go and see the movie that I linked to above, preferably with me, because it is only going to be like the second best movie of all time. Seriously. The last combination of Chabrol/ Rendell resulted in my absolute favourite movie of all time, La Ceremonie, which was like Hitchcock, but much better- Hitchcock never really got the motivation down all the way in all of his films, whereas Rendell's stories really have Psycho- level craziness. Hitchcock is great at setting up suspense and situations, but the characters are not so interesting. Anyway, I haven't read The Bridesmaid in a long time but it did have some seriously creepy people in it.

So on the work front- there are a few pieces of news.

A) I haven't finished my applications yet, I need to finish those this weekend and send them off. Not all my Letters of recommendation are in but I'm just going to go with what I have.

B) Latest news in Teacher Abuse: Perdue is going to (considering) cutting retiree health benefits to , um, zilch. (see Article)

I'm not going to have you read the entire article if you con't care to, but I just want to point a few things out. Unlike, for example, GM which has many many more retired workers than current employees, we have about 4 times as many active workers as retirees. That's a very healthy ratio.

$1.5 billion estimated per year out of this year's budget of 18.6 billion is very manageable, particularly considering that this guvner got reelected by crowing about how the government was in surplus. Georgia makes more money every year in taxes. Also, $1.5 Billion divided among $100,000 retirees is $15K per year per retiree. How are retired teachers expected to come up with this money?



Perdue considering cuts to state retiree benefitsRetired teachers, other state employees could lose promised health coverageBy Shannon McCaffreyASSOCIATED PRESS
ATLANTA - Georgia faces a mounting price tag that could reach $20 billion in the coming years to cover health benefits already promised to tens of thousands of retired teachers and other state employees.
The cost is so staggering that Gov. Sonny Perdue is considering increasing premiums or eliminating health-care benefits altogether for state retirees, according to e-mails obtained by The Associated Press through an open records request.
Perdue spokesman Dan McLagan said the state is awaiting a report from an outside actuary detailing the full costs of the benefits over the next 30 years.
"At this time, it would be irresponsible to rule anything in or out," McLagan said Wednesday.
A draft analysis issued in March and obtained by AP through an open records request estimated the price tag for the non-pension health benefits at $17.6 billion over the next three decades. To put that figure in perspective, it's just $1 billion less than the state's total budget this fiscal year.
Another estimate placed the cost at between $15 billion and $20 billion. The draft report said that an annual contribution of $1.5 billion is needed to fund the benefits.
The cost of retiree health care and other non-pension benefits - like vision, dental and life insurance - is coming to light in Georgia and other states because of new standards from the federal Government Accounting Standards Board. They require that states provide a look at future costs of retiree benefits, initially as a footnote on the state budget next year. The rules do not require states to come up with the money all at once. Instead, they're designed to provide greater transparency to the mounting costs of benefits for public employees. Those benefits seem certain to grow even more as baby boomers retire.
There are more than 414,000 active and retired state employees in Georgia. About 100,000 retirees are on the state health benefit plan, state officials said.
Parry Young, a credit analyst at Standard and Poor's, called the non-pension benefits "a runaway train."
"This may be the fastest growing component of any government's budget and states may discover that these benefits are not at a level that's sustainable," Young said.
Young said that Georgia is in relatively good shape because the state's pension plan is on solid fiscal footing. Some other states are facing pension shortfalls as well.
Still, the failure of states to show that they have a plan in place to pay for non-pension health benefits could hurt their bond ratings, which would impact the rate at which they borrow money. Georgia currently enjoys a AAA rating from Standard and Poor's, one of only nine states to earn the highest rating.
McLagan said that Perdue has assembled a group of experts to study the potential budget impact and the best ways to comply with the new rules.
Placing aside $1.5 billion annually for a fund to pay for the benefits could make Wall Street happy. But that money won't be easy to come by. Revenues have shown recent signs of slowing in Georgia, and state lawmakers in Perdue's own Republican party are clamoring to enact more tax cuts.
Cutting benefits for retirees in Georgia could also be politically tricky for Perdue, who has said he wants to make the state more attractive for senior citizens flocking to neighboring Florida. During this year's re-election campaign, the governor pledged to eliminate the state income tax on retirement income.
Key state lawmakers involved in the budget process said they don't expect retiree benefits to be slashed.
"I don't think that will happen," said state Sen. Jack Hill, R-Reidsville, chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee.
That's not easing the worry of state employees. The issue has become a hot topic in e-mails fired back and forth between teachers.
"We don't want the state to balance their books on the backs of educators, retired or current," said Tim Callahan, of the Professional Association of Georgia Educators.
An Oct. 5, 2005, e-mail from Neal Childers, then legal counsel of the state Department of Community Health, said that he had been instructed to prepare draft legislation authorizing the state to set different premiums for retirees than for current state employees.
Childers also went on to say in that e-mail that the state Office of Planning and Budget "is now considering elimination of benefits."
And Perdue appears to be actively involved in the process. A Nov. 30, 2005, e-mail from another health department employee, Carie Summers, said that Perdue asked in a budget hearing when the state would be getting an opinion from the Attorney General's Office on benefit changes for retirees.
The question remains as to what the state may legally do to change benefits for its retirees.
In November 2005, Tim Burgess, then-commissioner of the Department of Community Health, asked the Attorney General's Office for "advice regarding the nature and scope of the state's legal obligation to provide health benefits to retirees under Georgia law."
E-mails obtained by AP show that the draft analysis was completed in September but new DCH Commissioner Rhonda Medows withdrew the agency's request for the opinion.
Amanda Seals, a spokeswoman for Medows, said that state lawyers were still refusing to turn over the opinion after 10 months of delays, prompting the commissioner to withdraw the request.
It was not immediately clear what the opinion said.
*****
AT A GLANCE: Georgia is tallying the future cost of paying for retiree health benefits as required by the Government Accounting Standards Board. Early estimates expect the costs to range from $15 to $20 billion over 30 years.What it means: Failure of the state to outline how it plans to pay for the ballooning benefits could hurt the state's credit rating. The Perdue administration is weighing cuts to benefits for retirees as it considers its options, but says no decision has been made.What's next: The state is awaiting a study from an outside actuary which will pinpoint Georgia's liability over the next 30 years. Officials must then decide how to fund those costs.


Today I told the students, Every time you complain, you get a pimple.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Are You Prepared For This Much Cuteness?

Friday, December 01, 2006


Pacer again, notice the similarities in the front end to the honda concept

Gremlin, for those fortunate enough never to have seen one

Pacer Rear

Newsflash: The word "inbred" now applies to cars!

Behold . . . the unholy spawn of an AMC Gremlin and an AMC Pacer- note the Gremlinesque high beltline, upswept rear window and flared fenders and the bubble front and rear of the Pacer. Honda should get some sort of award for coming up with the first car that automatically brings to mind the word "inbred." In the early days of German and Japanese cars, they were frequently 3/4 scale versions of American cars, but they started with decent cars- This is a throwback to that era, but they have somehow managed to pay homage to two unhomageable cars-

Honda Remix Courtesy of AutoBlog

Honda Remix Courtesy of Autoblog

Honda Remix Courtesy of Autoblog