Cruella Dearest Answers Your Etiquette Questions
My friends, as you know, Cruella Dearest is a most Refined person. Cruella Dearest is a veritable paragon of exemplary behaviour (shut up Alex). So Cruella Dearest and friend, Sandy, are conspiring to write a book, "What is WRONG with these people?" That's because that's what we say all the time. Here are some excerpts for you!
O Cruella Dearest;
Yesterday I was pulling out of the Burger King parking lot, taking my son to school, and he saw a teacher at his school, so my son waved at him. Then you know how mornings are, we had just eaten two All-Star breakfasts at the Waffle House so that meant it was time for our morning cigarettes- and this teacher saw us and REPORTED US to DFACS! Now I'm no stranger to the DFACS system, so I think I should be able to get Quintarious back soon, but what is the best method of revenge on the teacher? Don't you think he should understand that it's better to see your children smoking rather than not see them? You Know?
An Angry Mother.
Dear Angry Mother:
When I was a child, I had two pet gerbils. My parents thought both of them were females (dunno why) but one day, I came home, and there were the two original gerbils, and then five tiny gerbils. Then the next morning, there were two again.
That should describe in as much detail as is necessary your parenting style, but I, being Cruella Dearest, feel the need to run this into the ground. I've heard it said that human beings are the only animals who commit murder and kill their own kind, but you're worse than that. I can think of several people I would like to kill because they deserve it. However, human beings, as exemplified by you, are also the only animals who deliberately teach their offspring counterproductive survival techniques.
Incidentally, human beings are also lying wads of sin, imperfect from birth and destined to stay that way. So when you see your son doing something, it's what the metaphorically inclined would call the tip of the iceberg and there's a lot more that you don't see that you are covertly telling him is acceptable behaviour.
I sentence you to teach a class of juvenile delinquents "Macbeth" until a girl throws a podium at you.
O Cruella Dearest;
I have a friend I have known for many years, but all of a sudden, he doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. We used to have a great time hanging out in bars and such and now he's just cut me off! Ok, he's got some kind of boyfriend, but they shouldn't be so codependent and want to do nothing with anyone else. I don't understand why he doesn't want to spend time with me and I feel hurt.
O Cruella Dearest;
I am really perplexed about what to do in the following situation. My friend and I went to a small bookstore recently. I went to go and look at the hardbound classics, only to discover he was urinating! In the Bookstore! Against a display table! What should I have done? I was too shocked to be properly graceful.
O Cruella Dearest;
My children and several other people are very upset at me. They just don't understand what it is that I have been through with having to take care of people and what not. My brother wants very badly to visit his mother in India. But he really can't afford this, so I'm going to have to help him. One problem is that if he goes, he will abandon his family in the States and probably start drinking again. But if he does not go, he will be like Elvis Presley. The only thing I know about Elvis Preseley is that his mother died, and he NEEEVEERR got over it. He regretted it for the REST of his Life. So if he does not go see his mother, he will get all depressed and his drinking problem will become worse. But if he goes to India, then he will abandon his wife and small children here and probably start drinking in India. I think that the best thing to do is find out how much of a hurry I should be in to resolve this issue, so I asked my mother "How much longer do you think you are going to live?" She didn't say anything. But how else am I supposed to ask this, I need to know! Why is everyone so offended?
O Cruella Dearest;
Cesar answers questions in an annoying voice, and he clicks his pen in class. Make him stop.
O Cruella Dearest;
When and how is it acceptable for a straight man to use the word, "choad"?
Mystified in Monroe
Dear Mystified;
I actually have no idea. It's Alex's fault for bringing this word to my attention, or really Alex's friend Justin's fault. I, surprisingly, had never felt the need to describe "it" before beyond "It's ENORMOUS" or "Oh! He was like Tom Thumb! I could get the WHOLE thing in my mouth! But I didn't want to be all like, that's IT?" Apparently, and Justin brought this word to my attention, there exists a whole range of terminology for size and shapes of "it"s. "Choad," Justin explained, refers to one that is short and fat. Oh, I said. How he knows this word, I have not been yet able to figure out, and I have been puzzling over this the way that mathematicians puzzle about the Riemann hypothesis, because it is such a mystery! And it also lets me think about one of my favourite things to think about. Because I do not know different words, although I know they exist, for differently shaped lady bits, so how would he know this word? He hasn't yet sprung any related vocabulary on me, so I don't know whether or not he has a whole arsenal of such vocabulary, ready to describe any and all comers (pun intended.)
It would be like this (make imagining sounds) It's like a police line up, only with less clothing, and he goes down the line? No, it wasn't like that, that's a *, no, it was more choady? Yes, that looks familiar! That's the one!
I don't know how he got into that situation, (I know how I could!) but if you make some more imagining sounds to yourself, I'm sure you can figure it out.
Or do straight guys (the kind I don't know) sit around and discuss this? Say, Sam (I don't know anyone named Sam, so this is safe) I have a choad! What's yours like?
But I doubt this because I spend a lot of time with straight people (I used to be one! Sort of) and even when they were VERY drunk they never did this.
O Cruella Dearest;
Yesterday I was pulling out of the Burger King parking lot, taking my son to school, and he saw a teacher at his school, so my son waved at him. Then you know how mornings are, we had just eaten two All-Star breakfasts at the Waffle House so that meant it was time for our morning cigarettes- and this teacher saw us and REPORTED US to DFACS! Now I'm no stranger to the DFACS system, so I think I should be able to get Quintarious back soon, but what is the best method of revenge on the teacher? Don't you think he should understand that it's better to see your children smoking rather than not see them? You Know?
An Angry Mother.
Dear Angry Mother:
When I was a child, I had two pet gerbils. My parents thought both of them were females (dunno why) but one day, I came home, and there were the two original gerbils, and then five tiny gerbils. Then the next morning, there were two again.
That should describe in as much detail as is necessary your parenting style, but I, being Cruella Dearest, feel the need to run this into the ground. I've heard it said that human beings are the only animals who commit murder and kill their own kind, but you're worse than that. I can think of several people I would like to kill because they deserve it. However, human beings, as exemplified by you, are also the only animals who deliberately teach their offspring counterproductive survival techniques.
Incidentally, human beings are also lying wads of sin, imperfect from birth and destined to stay that way. So when you see your son doing something, it's what the metaphorically inclined would call the tip of the iceberg and there's a lot more that you don't see that you are covertly telling him is acceptable behaviour.
I sentence you to teach a class of juvenile delinquents "Macbeth" until a girl throws a podium at you.
O Cruella Dearest;
I have a friend I have known for many years, but all of a sudden, he doesn't want to do anything with me anymore. We used to have a great time hanging out in bars and such and now he's just cut me off! Ok, he's got some kind of boyfriend, but they shouldn't be so codependent and want to do nothing with anyone else. I don't understand why he doesn't want to spend time with me and I feel hurt.
O Cruella Dearest;
I am really perplexed about what to do in the following situation. My friend and I went to a small bookstore recently. I went to go and look at the hardbound classics, only to discover he was urinating! In the Bookstore! Against a display table! What should I have done? I was too shocked to be properly graceful.
O Cruella Dearest;
My children and several other people are very upset at me. They just don't understand what it is that I have been through with having to take care of people and what not. My brother wants very badly to visit his mother in India. But he really can't afford this, so I'm going to have to help him. One problem is that if he goes, he will abandon his family in the States and probably start drinking again. But if he does not go, he will be like Elvis Presley. The only thing I know about Elvis Preseley is that his mother died, and he NEEEVEERR got over it. He regretted it for the REST of his Life. So if he does not go see his mother, he will get all depressed and his drinking problem will become worse. But if he goes to India, then he will abandon his wife and small children here and probably start drinking in India. I think that the best thing to do is find out how much of a hurry I should be in to resolve this issue, so I asked my mother "How much longer do you think you are going to live?" She didn't say anything. But how else am I supposed to ask this, I need to know! Why is everyone so offended?
O Cruella Dearest;
Cesar answers questions in an annoying voice, and he clicks his pen in class. Make him stop.
O Cruella Dearest;
When and how is it acceptable for a straight man to use the word, "choad"?
Mystified in Monroe
Dear Mystified;
I actually have no idea. It's Alex's fault for bringing this word to my attention, or really Alex's friend Justin's fault. I, surprisingly, had never felt the need to describe "it" before beyond "It's ENORMOUS" or "Oh! He was like Tom Thumb! I could get the WHOLE thing in my mouth! But I didn't want to be all like, that's IT?" Apparently, and Justin brought this word to my attention, there exists a whole range of terminology for size and shapes of "it"s. "Choad," Justin explained, refers to one that is short and fat. Oh, I said. How he knows this word, I have not been yet able to figure out, and I have been puzzling over this the way that mathematicians puzzle about the Riemann hypothesis, because it is such a mystery! And it also lets me think about one of my favourite things to think about. Because I do not know different words, although I know they exist, for differently shaped lady bits, so how would he know this word? He hasn't yet sprung any related vocabulary on me, so I don't know whether or not he has a whole arsenal of such vocabulary, ready to describe any and all comers (pun intended.)
It would be like this (make imagining sounds) It's like a police line up, only with less clothing, and he goes down the line? No, it wasn't like that, that's a *, no, it was more choady? Yes, that looks familiar! That's the one!
I don't know how he got into that situation, (I know how I could!) but if you make some more imagining sounds to yourself, I'm sure you can figure it out.
Or do straight guys (the kind I don't know) sit around and discuss this? Say, Sam (I don't know anyone named Sam, so this is safe) I have a choad! What's yours like?
But I doubt this because I spend a lot of time with straight people (I used to be one! Sort of) and even when they were VERY drunk they never did this.
posted by SavageATL at 10:23 AM
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