Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Thanksgiving Memories

I am sure that this is the most, um, whatever it is story to emerge from anyone's Thanksgiving adventures - - -

Among the other excitements we had this Thanksgiving was a visit from my aunt from England. She came to visit my mother, but Eva's visit coincided with the visit of one rat and its relatives. Ma has been trying to get rid of the rats but they are as persistent as Al Sharpton.
Here is the story.
Occasional readers of this feature may recall that I make my own beer, and also mead, from time to time. The result of this is delicious beer and also a sludgy muck at the bottom of the carboy composed of brewer's yeast, spent yeast whatever (probably yeast poo), spices, and hops. I am told that people, more particularly Australians and stringy health nuts, pay good money for this stuff so I thought I would save some of it and give it to my mother, on the grounds that she is the only crazy person whom I will talk to semi-willingly. I did, and put it in a jar and gave it to her and she kept it for a long time.
Then Eva came and threw it, and lots of other things, out in the yard in an attempt to clean up. Later on that day Ma and Eva are in the kitchen making abortive stabs at cleaning and then here comes the rat; however, instead of skulking and scurrying, as rats usually do, this one is staggering along in the middle of the floor and moving very slowly. Ma and Eva are more horrified than usual; they could not figure out what was wrong with it for some time until finally they realised that the rat was drunk.
Eva managed to coax the rat onto the glue trap and it began to flutter about. Eva tried to hit it with the shovel, but it squeaked and that intimidated her, so Ma had to get a bucket of water and detergent and they tried to drown the rat. The rat, still partially attached to the glue trap, managed to float in the bucket (rather like a raft) and then they had to figure out what to do- Eva hit on the idea of pouring not just water on it, but BOILING water. Ma rejected this idea as being too cruel, which I agreed with; it's bad enough to have to kill it but to scald it also seems really awful. The rat struggled mightily, which confused Ma, who then wondered if they were doing the right thing. Finally they filled the bucket more and put a heavy tray on top of it in the idea that it would eventually turn over and drown.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

GM's woes

Much has been written in other circles about GM's current unfortunate situation and the impending layoffs, but I thought I'd add my two cents.

No company has ever been able to shrink its way to profitability as far as I know. GM's current financial woes, exacerbated by carrying three retirees' benefits for every currently productive worker, are only going to get worse by making more of its workforce unproductive. GM has been steadily downsizing since the early '90's and only succeeded in alienating its remaining customers with a string of Products that Suck and abandoning some of the markets/products it was good at (full size cars) to throw a lot of money at doing things it isn't particularly good at (small cars).
I don't think Rick Wagoner should have dumped Olds- that cost $1 billion - which at least made one car, saddled with an idiotic name (Alero) that was a good product. But no matter; he should have dumped GMC instead which produces the same trucks as Chevy but requires its own marketing and brand identity.
GM is allegedly in the business of selling vehicles, and that's what it needs to get serious about doing. I cannot currently think of a single GM vehicle, save the Corvette, that is better than the competition. Why does GM turn out one after another mediocre product? Why do they still attempt to compete in the minivan market with hideous and outdated products, confusingly sold by Saturn, Chevrolet, Pontiac, and now Buick?
If I were running GM, I would take a page from the Chrysler pagebook and exploit areas in which the competition is weak. The Japanese, for all intents and purposes, have the car-as-appliance market locked up. People looking for comfort and bland durability will buy Camrys and Accords. Chrysler makes more convertibles than anyone else, thanks to the strength of the Sebring; Chrysler invented the PT cruiser; Chrysler made the minivan and kept it better; Chrysler makes affordable, roomy, AMERICAN style rear wheel drive cars.

GM does some of these things occasionally but then will also execute them poorly; witness the SSR. It's a toy/image vehicle, but costs what a luxury car should cost. It probably would have appealed wildly to people who would buy Miatas, but their masculinity is threatened by them, and at that price would have been successful to El Caminoites.
The Solstice may prove successful- but that's ONE car, and GM also doesn't need to dilute its success by throwing it at every single division. GM has NEVER built a good small car in America, and the Cobalt is too small to change anyone's mind, unlike the Neon which felt roomy. The Malibu's sole reason for existence is to be sold to Hertz and Avis; likewise the Impala/Lumina. And putting a v-8 in a FWD platform may satisfy DeVille owners, but not "sporty car" intenders.
Chevrolet should remake the Impala on a combined platform with Pontiac's next GTO and make them classy, exciting cars. The next large Buick car could share this RWD platform and represent an alternative to the cookie-cutter transportation module. It would be big and comfortable and well made.

Why can't GM make- something else distinctive? What about bringing the Cadillac BLS to America as a Buick/Pontiac? At least someone could find the most distinctive GM cars of the past and try to find something that people want to buy. The Crossover craze is not the answer.

I know what I would buy; a convertible, like the '93 cutlass, that seats four adults comfortably; a large station wagon, a Buick Grand National but not one made in Australia. A rebadged Citroen.

But shrinking further- without shedding the associated fixed costs- is not the solution.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Ask Cruella Dearest!

Many people have written me in recent weeks asking me for advice, certainly based on my ability to be Thin and Fabulous. I have provided, for my readers' enjoyment, their letters and my responses here. Just remember dear readers; there is no problem in your life that cannot be solved by purchasing a 1987 Buick Grand National with less than 60,000 miles and T-tops and sending it to Cruella Dearest. I live in Decatur, Georgia.

Cruella Dearest;

Christmas is coming, but the bonus check isn't. My husband hasn't been working the shifts we've been used to at the twine factory, and unless we subsist on a diet of rancid Gummi Bears from now until Christmas, we aren't going to be able to buy Christmas presents for anyone! Not even crappy ones. What should I do?

Desperate in Dacula

Dear Desperate;

Your problem is a common one. Many husbands become used to laziness during the holiday season, and as worldwide twine demand has fallen to a 47 year low, I don't see the situation getting any better. But here's how Cruella will help you. Instead of buying a bunch of crappy presents no one wants, buy ONE present no one wants, and then when they reject it, pass it to the next person on your list. An exciting gift idea is a boar's head (they can be purchased at the Wal-Mart on 78). Find a large box to put your boar's head in, and then buy makeup and artificial flowers from Dollar Tree. Make the boar's head up to look like Tammy Faye Bakker, and then put the artificial flowers in the eyes, ears, and snout of the pig. This will truly be the gift that keeps on giving, as once your intended recipients have rejected it, you may boil it up and have a delicious respite from rancid Gummi Bears!

Cruella Dearest;

There's a girl I like, and I think she likes me, but I don't know what to do! Sometimes we try to hang out together but it's kind of awkward.

Shy in Stone Mountain

Dear Shy;

It is not easy to break the ice with some people and I can understand why you are feeling shy! Fear of rejection and the attendant shame is not a happy feeling, plus, she looks like a four-door beeyotch. (that's twice as beeyotchy as a two-door beeyotch). But she is probably just as lonely and desperate as you are. Let her "take it to the next level" by inviting you somewhere, or plan a double date with people whom you can believably claim cancelled at the last minute. Do something to put her off her guard, like serenading her with a sousaphone and she will be too surprised to say no. Then get her drunk. If this doesn't work you can keep picking up skanks at wedding parties until your desperation overcomes your fear.

Cruella Dearest;

I have trouble getting dates. I am in my mid twenties and am seriously considering marrying either a mail-order bride, or a yak. What should I do?

Anxious in Alpharetta.

Dear Anxious;

Were I you, I should divide my leisure time between the zoo, and gated apartment complexes. Young, single ladies are known to frequent gated apartment complexes, and yaks are known to frequent the zoo. You can then decide what is more appealing. Make up the name of a country, and pretend to be the ambassador thereof (you could be, for example, the ambassador from Moldavia) to a yak-infested country, the ruling government may very well give you a yak. It worked for Nixon, and now you know why there were no little pandas resulting from China's gift.
Now to obtain a young lady, have your friends hold a yard sale and dress you up as a garden gnome. When a likely young lady comes along, stand very still. Have your friends convince her to purchase you.
You can then make up your mind more easily.

Cruella Dearest;

I am really dreading Christmas this year because all of my family are right wing Republicans, replete with Bush/Cheney and W stickers all over their cars. They are paleolithic neo-cons, and last year, when I tried to have them watch "Fahrenheit 9/11", they set me on fire and covered me in pureed turnips. I keep trying to explain to them the injustice of the system we are living under and how it oppresses the poor and disenfranchises the weak, but they just chant about their tax cuts and cheer when they see Karl Rove. Even my mother won't listen when I talk about the international conspiracy involving Halliburton. What can I do?

Liberal in LaGrange

Dear Liberal;

You are a deranged moonbat. You should read "Atlas Shrugged" at least 5 times, or more than that if you still don't have any sense.

Cruella Dearest;

I am a ham. What should I do?

Delicious in Dunwoody.

Dear Delicious;

Well, you have two choices here. One of them is to accept your impending mortality, and live up to the challenge of making a great Christmas for someone else. The somewhat unlikely alternative is to hook up with a nice Orthodox Jewish girl who will feel guilty about throwing you away, but also not be able to eat you and then will stick you in the back of her freezer and forget about you, allowing you many years of blissful slumber.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Conversations with Mr. Squirrel

Cruella fans, bring out the gin, because this entire post is Cruella drinking game worthy, as it features Mr. Squirrel - - -

Yesterday I was having something of a discussion with Mr. Squirrel, and we hope he shall not object to our publishing this because he did the last time. I'm going to leave out some of the parts he could potentially object to.

I don't really feel like thinking hard enough to remember how it came up, but I asked him how was something or other and he said, o it was all right.
You say that about EVERYTHING, I responded. When do you experience things that are NOT all right?
Mr. Squirrel had to think about this. Well, you know, he said, sometimes.
Like what? I insisted. Give me an example.
Mr. Squirrel hemmed and hawed, but Cruella was not to be put off! No!
Finally he remembered something. That rat, he said, (he was referring to my mother's house being currently infested) I really didn't like that. It was disgusting.
O is that as strong as it gets? I asked? You really didn't like that? Wow. How does it feel to have an emotional range like this - and I put my fingers close together to indicate a very small amount, like a millimeter.
Well, he said, you have to be Existentialist when things happen.
What do you mean, existentialist, I asked.
He didn't know, so he hemmed for a bit more- and then he said, well, you have to be like Sartre or Camus.
You mean Dead, I asked?
No, he said, I mean like, you know.
Like miserable and depressed?
No he said, like stoic and unaffected; when things happen to you you should like, not get all worked up and ponder them.
O I said. and then what do you do after you ponder them?
That's it, he said.
Huh. Well, I don't think I much like this, I think I should found a school of philosophy called Dunaway-Crawfordism in which one behaves just like Faye Dunaway portraying Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest and shriek loudly when one is displeased. I firmly believe in being in touch with my emotions and also making sure other people are in touch with my emotions and that there is never any doubt in anyone's mind about what I EVER think and feel.

O and Cruella did a Good Thing yesterday! Imagine! I read online that Volvo has agreed to replace the electronic throttle system in some of its cars, and I emailed the story to Cathy, who had to have some of those bits replaced- she's getting $157 back! Yay for me!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


Eurythmas last year

Friday, November 11, 2005

Fabriquer Une Automobile

http://www.psa-peugeot-citroen.com/fr/matin.php

If you click on the upper right hand corner, you can visit a car factory. I would like to develop an activity for my 2nd year students but I think it is too complex for them.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

I forgot

I meant to put this in yesterday's entry, but didn't - - -
It would greatly amuse me if one went to the car dealer, preferably with one's significant other, and explained very seriously to the salesman, I am looking for a car with some Flavour, and then went about licking the cars with one's significant other. O! I don't like THAT one, it tastes nasty, honey come try this one! It tastes like grape! You could use wine snobbery language. "It's oaky, and not at all pretentious, with hints of cassis and chocolate." "It's unassuming, but has real depth to it, I think it will mature well in a couple of years."

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Cadillac CTS review

Before I get to the CTS review, let me discuss two things;

First of all, I have a rival in the blog world; there is ANOTHER mean teacher; http://hthemeanteacher.blogspot.com I challenged her, via comment, to a mean-teacher-off. I wager I win; I am MUCH worse. I post my students' crowning, um, achievements on my blog for all to admire, and so far this week: I made one girl in Honours cry because I gave her a 0 on her project because she didn't put her name on it, and I smirked; I have used the Spoon of Stupidity several times; I mocked one child in front of the class when he whined about running out of lead for his pencil and not having enough money to purchase lead for his pencil; I still have that iPod because the child did not write a sufficiently groveling letter; and I mocked that student's pictures on his poster in front of all the classes and then cut them out, scanned them, and put them in the Museum of Idiocy. I laughed at Irene when she shrieked Oh My God! It LEAKED on me! (meaning my pen) That's DISGUSTING! (and then another student recorded me laughing on his cell phone and showed all the other classes; he also recorded me saying the word "Deutsch" which he thinks is funny). So I think I am worse, and it is only Wednesday.

You all know I have previously made reference to the one friend that I have who is needy and demanding and somewhat annoying, but I still try to be nice to her, partially because it is inspiring to know someone with that claw-your-way-to-the-top ambition. Now she is whining about o I don't spend time with her, etc., and she feels all lonely or whatever, and I think, well, let me try. So last week she called me on Saturday when I was changing the coolant in my brother's car, and wanted to know did I want to hang out with her. I try to explain to her that I am busy. She gets huffy. So I called her up on Sunday and invited her to go to Lowe's with me so I could buy some plants. She said fine, and while we were at Lowe's she bought a new smoke detector and I installed it for her. I explained to her, or I thought I explained to her, that I worked until 7:30 last Friday, I am very busy during the school year, I do not have the time or the interest to hang out with anyone (particularly drink in bars, which I HATE) so it has nothing to do with her, I am busy and do not see anyone but will try to still do things with her when I can. I mean, I put in a new smoke detector for her, which is nice.

Then look at what she sends me.

Hey Alan:
That was fun going to Loew's on Sunday and thanks so much for
installing my new smoke detector. The red light is not on, so I
can't tell if it's really on or not. Usually a red light stays on.
Do you want to go out after work on Friday?

Did she just not get it? Do I have to be really blunt (apparently so)? I think I will just have to tell her that I am sorry but I do not drink in bars, I have no interest in "going out" and that if she wants she can come over and have a couple of beers and talk while I grade papers. I do not mean to hurt anyone's feelings but I don't know how to say this any other way.

We were discussing car repairs and she said that she went to the Volvo dealer because her car broke down and they came back and said that it was the computer (basically) and it would cost $1,400 to fix. She started crying (not on purpose, she said) and they then reduced the price to $1,000. I am envious.

Cadillac agreed (they'd better) to fix the car and gave me a CTS as a rental car. Well, I've driven it home and then back to work and here are my overall impressions.

I like the Omega/Catera better. The CTS has a lower roofline than the Omega; it feels squat and is wider but not taller or longer. But the seats, particularly the driver's seat, are narrower and somewhat pinchy and uncomfortable. The car is faster than the Omega, but the Omega has a better dash layout, with a large speedometer in front of the driver with the tach to the left. The controls in the Omega are less confusing and better placed.
The CTS lacks the Omega's feeling of stability. It also clearly was intended to sell at a lower price point than the Omega; the headliner in the CTS is made out of an odd polyester leisure suit sort of material whereas the Omega's is standard fuzzy cloth; The CTS lacks the rear seat air ducts, nice trim, and has weird pimply hard touch vinyl surfaces that apparently came from the Malibu and remind one of cow tongues in place of the Omega's smooth and elegant soft touch surfaces. The CTS has a foot brake instead of a hand brake, and I read that the hand brake actually works differently somewhere. The console in the Omega is better finished and more functional. The CTS lacks the Omega's handy door bins. The example I am driving lacks the sunroof, and I miss it.

At any rate, it was NOT a particularly inspiring car to drive. For that price, I think one should feel captivated; but it was blandly competent without the luxurious feeling of the Omega.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Meet Me In St. Louis

Well, it looks like I may buy a Grand National after all; http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=4586949166&sspagename=ADME%3AL%3ARTQ%3AUS%3A1

I did not tell everyone about the recent Cadillac idiocy but most of you know that the last time I took the car to Hennessy, they claimed the drain plug was stripped. Well, yes; I took it to Classic last Saturday. Yes, it's stripped. They claimed they must replace the entire oil pan, and that would have cost $485, and the service writer was not noticably helpful. I do not see why I should continue driving a car in which I cannot get the OIL CHANGED, DAMMIT. I have to go and complain at Hennessy today, and make them fix it, and then I think I will trade this on this Grand National. I do not have time to deal with all this idiocy. I think I may get a good deal on the Buick and now, I will own the fastest production car ever made- and I mean real production car, not a Koenigsegg or whatever. Now I will be able to, um, sit in traffic on 400 faster than I could in say, a Ferrari.

Monday, November 07, 2005


Wall O Shame 2

Wall O Shame 1

New Exhibit in the Museum of Idiocy

We have a new exhibit for the museum of idiocy, culled for your enjoyment: I told my 2nd year students to prepare a poster showing ten animals in silly situations- - there is a pig in the bathtub, the cow is taking a bicycle ride, etc, and label them. This was so that they would know the farm animals.

Now look at what two of the students in the HONOURS classes came up with. Any number of the animals were, um, PATHETIC, but for your delight and mockery I have culled some of the choicest specimens. There are 9 pictures I have scanned; Can you match the animals with the descriptions? There are two squirrels, a duck, a rabbit, two cows, a bird, a chicken, and a pig. Bear in mind these are high school students, and I told them in advance that if they did not have artistic ability, they could cut the pictures from magazines, or print them from the internet, which a good many of them did.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Work news

O look at what one child wrote me this week:


dear mr.thomas,
I am haveing alot of trouble in your class and some of the reasson i think is because u treat me a lil un fiarly.I asked you for help but you said I should have been paying attention. I was paying attention diana just took my pencil from me. I think you should have helped me cause i still do not get some of the activities on the work sheet you gave me.some times what I say what i dont get this you tell me to shut up in french and that dosent make any sense.if i dont get something you should come to my desk and help me.I am not the only one who thinks u treat me a lil un fairly basically the whole class thinks so too. now that color gaurd is over I will probably be going to your help session alot to bring up my grade. I also think that I am a lil distruptive in your class at times and I apoligize for that. but u will seea drastice change in my behaver in class. thank you
from (said child)



Does anyone really wonder why said child is not doing so well in my class? She can't write English. No wonder she has trouble in French. Also it is true that she gets on my nerves, but that is because she comes in and plays, constantly, throughout the entire period. The reason she doesn't understand is because she's playing in class. At least she did "apoligize".

I probably shouldn't be making fun of her, but frankly I ran out of things to write and I thought that those of you who spend your days dealing with moron adults who constantly annoy you for silly things should know how we deal with the people who annoy us. They flunk. Isn't that GREAT? Wouldn't you love to do that?

But of course they also have to not do their work, which makes them flunk, which is likewise annoying. Believe me I do not flunk students, they have to flunk themselves.

We played a game today,, which meant they shrieked bloody murder at each other; it is an easy game to set up and play, and that is good because it was rather a spur-of-the moment activity. Take any book grammatical exercise and divide the class in half - geographically is best - and then let them run up to the board and write the answer. They can't use their books so their teammates have to scream the answers at them. Whichever team gets the answer written on the board correctly first gets a point. (One girl in first period wanted to know what they got if they won, and so a boy told her "respect." She replied she didn't want any respect, and I told her that could certainly be arranged.) Third period claimed to be surprised that they had fun; they complain a lot, so I get snippy, and then they get snippy. Example : "Do you know Mr. Radford? He's a good teacher! " Then I say, "You wouldn't know he was a good teacher, and you wouldn't appreciate him, unless you had me, the bad teacher." Also: "How did you get this job if you don't like kids?" Me: "Because I'm mean, and unfair. (those are things they can say in French.)

O I forgot, I got to see Julio's Lexus last week. It is the biggest Lexus, the LS400. It was nice inside but very SMALL! It was smaller than my car on the inside, and my car is small! It wasn't all THAT spectacular either, I don't see why they cost what they did/do new. Hmmph. The DeVille is larger, and more comfortable, but then I've had such a bad experience with Cadillac- - -