Ask Cruella Dearest!

Cruella Dearest;

When you wrote that Timmons makes you want to look at car porn (NOTE: PROFESSOR TIMMONS, I DO NOT ACTUALLY DO THIS IN YOUR CLASS, BECAUSE IT LIKE ALL VIOLATES THE HONOUR CODE AND YOU WILL YELL AT ME, AND SO I DON'T DO THIS, BUT YOU MAKE ME WANT TO) do you mean that kind of thing with the dragons? Or what?

Answer: That is a very good question, and I mean no not the thing with the dragons, I mean sort of lingerie-type items for the car. Like you know how there is Victoria's Secret? I mean I like to look at Kirban's and think about all of the fancy chrome bits I could put on my car. Like I would love a chrome turbo shield, or a chrome downpipe. Sigh. Or big Power 6 stickers.

Like see, this is the kind of car porn I am talking about. That thing that you are looking at is the throttle valve cable adjustment and the fuel pressure regulator, which stock is not adjustable but a lot of people who have this car have it adjustable, and I have spent a lot of time looking at it on my actual car, because people always stop me and want to see what the engine looks like and we open our hoods and compare engines and turbos. (Y'all are all shaking your heads in disbelief, aren't you? But it is true. People see my car and make me pull over and open my hood to see my turbo. And mine's always bigger and more powerful. Yes, that was supposed to sound dirty. ) Mine's the intercooled one, I point out to the chap with the hot air car I stopped and saw Wednesday.

Ah, he says, that's the fast one.

Indeed it is, and it runs better than his does, which may or may not be dead. This is the gray car that I have been driving past for several weeks and piqued my interest. He had the jacket, which I do not have.

And y'all I am considering what I am going to buy when my grades improve. One thing I want is this: But they're $259, and I cannot really justify that kind of expense while in school. or another fur coat since this one seems to be losing its fur.

O Cruella Dearest;

What did you do for V-Day?

Well, Trey came over and we had dinner, courtesy of Sam's Club. I don't like going out on V-Day 'cos restaurants jack up the prices and then - it's crowded and long waits and all the places I want to go are booked up. Julio took Iris to Red Lobster, surprisingly she did not get mad about that but she did get mad when he told her Guty was coming over. This was because Guty actually got a girlfriend, which- I don't know what life is like in Dahlonega but let us all consider at the moment that Guty is 30, a (temporarily! he insisted!) cook at Ryan's, doesn't have a car as far as I know, and I think he's about to go to jail for 4 and a half years (he wouldn't tell me why) Guty when I saw him at Julio's party looked like he had been dragged backwards through several hedges, so she doesn't even have the OMG he's so hot excuse. Yah! What about Pablo?! Sigh, I wish I had a gay-ray. Anyway y'all were asking me what I did for V-day, I overcooked some steaks-see that is a large part of why I do not grill, I do not know how. I am more of the glop-in-a-pot type cook. And then we had twice baked potatoes and salad and Trey drank some wine and we Had Some.

Now y'all are all confused because y'all are like OMG they're going to get back together and next month we'll be hearing about how Trey did something he wasn't supposed to do and Cruella will be complaining again.

No, most emphatically no, three times no, foxes with chicken honey no.

I am not at all getting used to the whole being single thing because I haven't -honestly- been really single, I have been on a couple of interesting dates and - we don't need to write about that- (the whole fan thing)- and I am too busy to notice whether I am single or not. And then the way things were going, I'm much better off. In a way, I would like to see us work things out but then on the other hand, I know better, and I've put what I'm going to put into this in. Trey doesn't want to be married and now he isn't. But that doesn't mean we can't be friends- with benefits- . I feel a little sadder when I meet someone new that it looks like things might possibly work out with because it really feels like abandoning something meaningful, we have 6 years of experiences together, sort of. But you do what you have to do, now I have to work on Torts.

O Cruella Dearest;

What's with the going places you have no business going?

I don't know! I seem to keep getting strong armed into going places and joining things I really don't have any business at, like the RPCV - returned peace corps volunteer thing my dad does, and the GAWL- georgia Association for Women Lawyers- I've never been in the Peace Corps and I'm not interested in going, ever, any place where they don't have Wal-Mart. Frankly I am still amazed and highly gratified when I turn on the tap and hot, clean water comes out of it. Somewhere inside me is some of that inner conviction that if I am not careful, all of this will disappear and I'll end up eating taro root or something and scrabbling in the mud. I have no idea why I go to these Peace Corps things because all of the people there are extremely liberal also.

And y'all, the last one we went to was this Thai restaurant- which was terrible, I thought. I have eaten Thai food like three times and each time I thought it was expensive and very little food for the $. I ordered something called Crispy Basil Duck and- I liked the Basil part, but the Duck was Crispy to the point of Jerky. Duck is not supposed to be like that. Duck is supposed to be rich and moist and soft. This was not nice at all, and it was expensive, and not enough food.

And then Jessica talked me into joining GAWL, which is the Georgia Association FOR Women Lawyers at this event I went to ?last month? I did meet one lady who works in the field which I am interested in working. So that is good, but she works/lives in Powder Springs (?)

You know when people tell me about other places (presumably) in Atlanta- I feel like a Manhattanite when asked about the outer boroughs-

Where the hell is Powder Springs? I have gone (once) as far northeast as Flowery Branch- I have been to Marietta- I have gone as far south as McNair- once I went to Villa Rica- and I have been as far east as South Dekalb Mall. Ok? I do not generally need to venture OTP except when I go to Freddy's house. There are all these other places in Atlanta to which I have never been and have no desire to go. Braselton? McDonough? Fayetteville? I have no clue, they might as well be in Connecticut.

Anyway, I was convinced to join GAWL by several of the ladies. We have men! They insisted, we like men! Everyone can join!

I don't think anyone has ever before so eagerly solicited my participation in anything. But I am thinking, that will look rather odd on my resume. But you're not a woman, the interviewer will say, and then I will have to explain how I joined and that will be difficult. I'm just really confused, I could say, but I think that would not go over well either.

And then Saturday I went to a Francophone thing Claire invited me to but I was all shy, and then I went to my Turbo Buick thing, there were only three of us there.

Every time I go they ask me what have I done to my car.

Frankly, I have not even washed my car, and I would like to say it is all on account of the water-conservation thing, but it is not. It is on account of even the cheap car wash costs $4 and you can get 10 lbs of chicken leg quarters at Wal-Mart for $4, and I can eat on that for two or three weeks, vs getting the car washed and it will immediately get dirty again. Also I am thinking the car certainly looks less desireable with her protective layer of grime. Then in terms of mechanical things, ha! I'm using the excuse that it will be more valuable to keep the car stock- but y'all know I'll never sell it, especially after that one chap's car got stolen- but I don't feel like replacing the fuel pump and the injectors and what not. I'll go and harass Alex while he's fixing his awful car. So no, this other chap who goes he has a roll cage and all kinds of very car porny things on his car, but mine- does not.

O Cruella Dearest; What kind of revenge are you plotting to inflict on your brother for buying that awful car?

I cannot tell you, because then he would not be Shocked and Awed, but I can tell you that it involves a song, and two Special Outfits. But do y'all know what happened yesterday? (obviously not) I used my psychic powers while sober, my mother was talking about vaccine trials and wanted us to guess where- and I said Hyderabad- because I used my psychic powers- and not only was I right but that was also where the people who were doing the trials were from, so I was very proud of my psychic powers. I wonder if I could use them during oral arguments, would that work? But I would have to be drunk, too, so no, that would not be a good idea.

O Cruella Dearest;

What should I do if I met a guy that I think I might like, but he likes really really AWFUL music?

OMG, do you mean, like, Britney Spears and the Backstreet boys?

Yes, I mean that kind of "music", and he also likes Nickelback and Green Day and Mariah Carey.

Ooooh, that is in fact very bad. Never ever ever ever let him drive anywhere where he can pick the music.

That being said, is he good in bed?

I don't know yet! But he was a great kisser, and he was- cute enough, and he's a nursing student and helped me study all day yesterday. He makes me feel old though.

Umm, you could- have him and Sailor Moon have a sing-off! When Sailor Moon sings those kinds of songs, there's some irony value though. I don't think I have an inner 13- year old girl, so, or if I do, she's Emily Dickinson, so I can't appreciate that kind of "music" at all- and then I don't think enough time has passed to appreciate that "music" ironically, like it's safe to like ABBA now. But it will never be safe to like the A-teens. At least I hope not. Also I think irony is passe, so I hope we never see the day when people will find Irony in liking Britney Spears.

I think you have to find out if he's good in bed first. (first before what? First before you dump him? That is totally wrong to dump someone for liking bad "music") I do not know if it is possible to educate people about music at this age (I hope you are not talking about Pablo, but you are not, because yes Pablo is a total hottie! Yes he is! Mmm! I'd like to spool up his turbo! But he is also, 20 and Julity's brother so you know he is crazy! and he was talking about the Killers so- definitely different.) but probably not. But then you do not want to turn into one of those old bitter people who make duck faces either so you will just have to ask your brother how to tune people out.

O Cruella Dearest;

Aren't you supposed to be working on your homework and looking for a job and lawyery things?

Yes I am! This semester SUCKS. I do not understand the difference between the two CNOF tests - Ok dmitri doesn't understand it either. No, he does. you have the overlap of evidence, and then spose the cop beats you up and calls an ambulance and the ambulance runs you over, there might be a logical relationship in the latter case but no evidence in the former. And I am so far behind in Crim Law and in all my classes. And then today, I have to go to the farmer's market and buy ingredients and get ready to cook.

O Cruella Dearest; How was Julio's party?

Y'all I had so hoped Perla would be there- because she is the fattest person I know- (The Wide Bride) and she was! And she was so big I could not get my arms all the way around her.

My fur coat was much admired by all.

I stayed until 2 in the morning hoping someone would get drunk and make a fool of themselves but no one did, not even Trey, and I was sorely disappointed, but see that's what happens when all you have to drink is Bud Light. Also everyone I know quit drinking, although I only gave it up for Lent. Dammit. Julio got some ugly clothes too for his birthday (I gave him a bottle of Captain Morgan's, which he did NOT open) with horizontal stripes! I have never seen Julio wear horizontal stripes. I'm not seeing it.

Ooooh, and he got a wicked looking decorative kind of knife and he was practicing stabbing people - well he was making stabby sort of gestures with the knife.

This made me think, do you know what would be a good song? Julio, no! julio no! Julio ya! Julio ya! Like that song in the barber of Seville.

Guty did not believe me when I insisted that mole contains chocolate, dumb spic. He should know better.

And then we had like the nerdiest conversation ever about atom bombs and E=MC2. I felt oddly uncomfortable, like Captain Egghead.

The dangers of Chantix

Chantix is a stop-smoking drug, for those of y'all who have forgotten or don't care.

First of all, I am not interested in quitting, because I don't smoke that much- maybe 4-5 cigarettes a day, so this product has never appealed to me.

I have an academic question, though, can they test this product on animals? Do monkeys have nicotine receptors? How would you tell if the drug causes problems in animals like the alleged problems that it is causing in people?

This question may be easier to answer than the last fan- based conundrum.

RWA Hell.

Y'all something smells funny over here and I do not think it is me (at least I hope it is not me, I will certainly do laundry this weekend, K thx bye.) it smells like food, which is fine if it IS food but not so much if it is me. And I am typing in Ga State.

Damn you Otu, someday I will meet up with you and I am going to kick your probably scrawny 58/59 year old ass with the pointy toe of my boot.

UPDATE: PAPER FINISHED AT MIDNIGHT SATURDAY NIGHT, MTM WILL NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN BECAUSE I MISSED HER BIRTHDAY TO FINISH THIS BRIEF.

I celebrated thereafter, and I cannot (or will not) tell you exactly how I celebrated but surprisingly it did not involve gin (I gave that up for Lent) but I do have one question, k? How can someone be so poor that they only can afford two blades on their box fan? That is a whole new definition of poor. How do three of the blades get broken behind the plastic grill? Inquiring minds want to know.

Ooh I am so mad, she refused to read my brief, saying she would only read parts of it because it was "late." Well, if the building doesn't open until 10, then how is it supposed to be in at 10? Hmmm? I haven't developed the power of walking through solid walls yet. She said well the box was checked at 10:15- I went up there at 10:15, and there were no staples, so I had to go back downstairs and put it in at 10:20. So now she'll only read the "important" parts.

Well, to me all the parts are important because my memo was a major milestone of suckage and I do not care to repeat that experience. (Ga State may MAKE me repeat that experience should this assignment not be better) I am bitter and I know of at least one other person to whom this happened, so out of 5 people with that deadline, at least 2 had the same problem, so that is at least 40% of us. Major disadvantage because we do not have the window that the other students do.

Yes, I would like some cheese with my whine, do you have any Camembert, or a nice Stilton? Manchego?

Y'all! People are reading my blog!

Y'all, I was told today that people are reading my blog!

This was told to me in extreme confidence by a lady who said I could only mention her if I also said how fabulously hot she is, even after having had three kids. I confess that I had not given much thought to this before, since she is like

a) all married and

b) a lady,

so- my vectors of interest do not point in that direction but I had previously noticed her impeccable fashion sense. Ok? If this whole law school thing does not work out AND the whole Wide Bride boutique thing does not work out, and I launch a fashion line for not-wide brides- I will be calling her up to be a model. Yah.

And this is not at all a coerced-type statement. And, unbidden, I admired her shoes.

She was all- very secretive. We have to talk, she tells me. O? I said?

Yes, she said, and she told me to lean down and whispered - PEOPLE ARE READING YOUR BLOG- she told me. This is in the same tone of voice you would tell someone that like, their zipper is down and they are all hanging out and people are nicknaming them "needle dick."

Anyway, this is like, good! I always wanted people to read my blog, but then it is not good, because I feel like Harriet the Spy when she got found out, but then I realised that shouldn't care what people think, because we're not in 6th grade anymore.

Except for everyone else because law school seems to be fairly cliquish.

Anyway I went back and edited some of my posts, but I had not written that much that was bad about people.

I think, besides the Fashion Report- did I tell you I was thinking about doing a 2 girls one cup with professorial fashion? I could intersperse shots of me licking an apple sensuously with shots of professors dressing- yah- like professors. And it would be like 2 girls 1 cup- y'all know there's a market for it, there are all kinds of screwy fetishes- and I'd probably get kicked out of law school, so perhaps this is not such a good idea- I did not write very many bad things about people, except that I wrote that one gentleman had sexy arms. Well, if you really want me to apologise I shall.

I tend to be fairly insensitive- remember, once that boy, Killie, said I was a cake eater and I had to ask the other teachers what it meant? And that was one of the milder insults- so I don't always realise when I am insulting people and also I did not know anyone was reading this.

See, I was a teacher before I came and no one did what I wanted them to do, so I am not used to people reading my work.

Then again, if I had written for the students that M. le (how do you say coach in french?) le directeur de l'equipe de baseball est tres sexy mais il a des serpents chez lui alors c'est impossible- they might have read that.

I wonder if that would make a good opera. Mr. Thomas and the baseball coach, Bo RXXXX (watch him show up here next year so I'd best not put his name) and the love that could not be because Mr RXXXX kept snakes at his house and probably wasn't same vector inclined. That would make a good opera, I think, Like Mme Butterfly only it would be Mr. Baseball.

At least one song would be about athletic cups.

(Oooo, should I mind if someone reads that? I perhaps should. But I have no sense of shame.)

Well, I can be the Perez Hilton of Georgia State- No, wait, eww, I don't want to be Perez Hilton, because he is- well, let's say he's like the Truman Capote of the 21st century, except without the talent. Maybe I can be the Instapundit of Georgia State except I am not going to write boring things about policy, but interesting things, which means I am going to keep making fun of people.

Only I am not going to use their names! So y'all can't get mad at me. You will have to play a guessing game so when I say the boy who wears a baseball cap every day and I can understand why because he's real nice looking with the cap but one day he came without it and then his hair was like! Aaagh! Normally I am against baseball caps but this is one exception and then also I am still thinking about the baseball cap with the light-up Buick logo on it - well, I tried to find it on eBay but couldn't. I know it exists. Y'all have to figure out who that is.

I am thinking there are roughly 200 people at the law school and I have got 9 more weeks this term, and then 28 next year and 28 thereafter- if I make it through- so if I mention one person a week, then 65 people will not like me at the end of school, and their friends, so that potentially could be the entire law school class. I do not know who else does not like me, but I do know that one lady already does not like me for wearing fur (O yah? Well, the little bunny foo-foos are spending a ?happy? afterlife in law school- and think of how hard it is to get into law school!) and one girl already does not like me for eating an apple while answering [that one professor]'s question.

Well, I still stand by my statement: [that one professor] makes me hungry.

Bat Disrupts Council Meeting

But after they tried to capture it, they found it was just Hillary Clinton making a campaign stop - - -

An American Tragedy

Y'all, moment of silence- I just learnt- and this has just RUINED my day-

Rapper Pimp C overdosed on "syrup" ingredients. (actual headline from CNN)

If any one of y'all needs consolation in this time of heartbreaking loss- you know where to turn. I will be there for you in our time of grief- -

Jesse Jackson needs to come on television railing against the dangers of syrup.

UPDATE: I told several of my classmates I might not be able to make it through class.
They did not feel the tragedy as I do. They are well on their way to being cold, heartless bastards.

What my Birthday looked like

So this was my birthday, which was lots of fun, as you can see. I had several martinis and general good times.

This is the last picture Trey and I took together before we broke up- he went and got a tattoo instead of paying his share of the expenses, and also did the disappear-and-get-drunk act AGAIN so I kicked him out. I can't take this anymore especially while in school. It's too stressful to have to deal with school AND all of his unnecessary drama and stupidity. If he wants to be in a relationship he's going to have to buckle down and do right or forget it. And then Friday night, he lost the phone Saniel gave him while clubbing, so I am thinking, I AM better off out of this. That kind of irresponsibility is not salvageable into a relationship.

But then what do I really want? Overall, I don't like dating, because you have to meet people who are generally icky, and it's generally a lot of work. The parts of dating that I like are the parts where guys bring me presents and then we have hot wild sex. I don't like the part where I have to make a good impression on someone else, and get all fixed up, and watch what I say carefully and all. I think I should just be a whore.

I have been dating- not like, seriously, but just getting out and seeing what's out there, which has not been a huge success but then again, I've only had two dates.

Not bad for such a short time! One chap was all right but even queenier than I am and here I have actual pictures of me wearing a tiara and a feather boa in public, and also I don't think he liked me because I haven't heard from him since, and then the other chap- you know, it all adds up on paper and he's really sweet and kind and considerate and intelligent and interesting and I DON'T WANT HIM TO TOUCH ME. That sux, doesn't it? You meet someone who should be great for you and the physical thing just is NOT there. Sigh. I suppose Ed will have to come down here and take Trey's place. But I still plan on keeping the house at like 55 degrees. So then what will he do?

Trey is living with Alex at the moment and allegedly paying, and then I have to refinance the car to get it out of my name.

I don't know how I feel about this.

On the one hand, of course I am very sad because we spent 6 years together trying to make it work, and both of us worked on it, and I really do love Trey. I will always love him. But that doesn't mean that he's good for me and that we can be together. We are on two very different pathways and we tried to put them together but sometimes that does not happen.

What I am really hoping for is that Trey learns some lesson from this and decides to grow up. It happened to Freddy so it can happen to him too. Perhaps if Trey actually has to take care of himself for a while, then he will understand about not being so difficult. Or not, or he'll learn his lesson and then go with someone else.

Anyway, I watched the Super Bowl with Alex and Daniel and Sailor Moon and Torry and his ?mother? Susan.

Daniel had some kind of football pool going with 10 questions you were supposed to answer- he claimed that one did not have to know anything about football but I read the questions and they were like, who do you think is going to be MVP? What do you think the first play will be, Pass or interference? All I knew is none of the questions could be answered with, "Britney Spears," so I declined to participate. Also I know Daniel well enough to know that even if he doesn't MEAN to do it- he will have engineered the questions so that he can answer them better than anyone else. So I thought no.

Despite the fact that there was no drinking, Sailor Moon said, I have a dancer's body! and offered to show us- No I do NOT want to see, thank you, and then he also waxed eloquent on the subject of Alex's nipples. I want to braid Alex's nipple hairs, he said, or wouldn't it be great if they had cornrows?

Well, it would be FASCINATING, but things that fascinate me are usually bad for the person doing the fascinating, reference: The Wide Bride. I am going to now have to ask Alex often about his nipple corn rows.

O and Torry was admiring some chap's arms in an advertisement and I told him he was having a homo moment, and he objected loudly to this.

I was NOT having a homo moment, he exclaimed.

Dude, you were admiring his arms and saying how big they were. When I gaze at men's body parts and comment on how big they are- definitely a homo moment.

Then I said that if he had any more homo moments Alex could sit next to him instead of me.

All the football players were really cute! Except for the fat ones. I think I'm going to stop making colour-based predictions and now begin to make predictions based on the cuteness of the players. One of the players was named "Plaxico"- why would you name your child "Plaxico?" Do you have a serious obsession with dental hygiene? It sounds like some kind of manufacturer of electric- toothbrushes. "kid friendly, mother approved, your kids will love to brush with the ToonsForTykes electric brush- only from Plaxico! Or perhaps it's a country supposed to stand in for Mexico, but renamed by a really bad writer.

I flew into Plaxico City Airport at 11:30 at night. The fumes from the city's unending traffic hung in my nostrils like the smell of football player underarms. Ahh, Plaxico City. City of Light, City of Night.
Yo quiero pelear con los toros, I told the taxi driver, who was squat and had a mustache that reminded me of uncombed sawdust.
There arrr no more boools een Plaxeecoh, senyor, he sneered.
I shot him with my .38 and dumped the body behind the Plaxico City government compound.

And y'all, Hillary Clinton is CRYING on the campaign trail in an apparent effort to show some other emotion than overweening, Lady MacBeth style ambition?

Two words: Crocodile tears.